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Reviews
Mine (2016)
This movie tried so hard
That it became painful. But I can't deny that it had some good points.
First off, accept that the portrayal of Marines (military) was terrible. Others have tabulated the cascade of errors - just know, if you were ever in the military, you're going to shout at the screen a few times.
Also the various plot devices/gimmicks were over the top. We are not going for subtlety here. They could have worked if the director wasn't force-feeding them to the audience.
Flashbacks were good until at some point I realized, I'm getting tired of this. TOO MANY.
By the end of the movie, everything was wrapped up in the most saccharine of ways. Still and all, it kept my interest, although I did start wishing the mine would just go off already.
Napoleon (2023)
Well that was painful
So here is a film about one of the greatest warlords of history, and what do you suppose it emphasizes? If your guess is the yucky "relationship" he had with Josephine, you're not far from the truth.
Here's what this movie contains:
- dark, murky lighting throughout
- Napoleon waving his arm and magic happening on the battlefield
- Stupid and gratuitous sex, like watching a couple of dogs
- Long closeups of Napoleon's face twitching
What it does not contain:
- A plot
- An editor
- Any idea of why Napoleon succeeded and then failed
- Any meaningful and/or normal relationships
- Historical accuracy
Avoid at all costs.
Shooter: Don't Mess with Texas (2017)
Someone help me
...understand the decisions made by our plucky band of Marines and company.
They're transporting a high-value person (in a ridiculously under-manned convoy) and come up on a stranded vehicle. OF COURSE THEY STOP - that way the enemy will have a stationary target to engage! I won't waste our time on smaller details, but a) there's no way that wound was caused by a bullet [where's the exit wound?], b) the vetting process for ride-along doctors is pretty pathetic, c) who taught these salty Marines to keep peeking out at the enemy from the exact same position, d) the two staggering, sheet-covered individuals wouldn't be hostile, would they??? E) and so forth.
Then, at the trailer fight, a) why aren't the good guys firing through the trailer walls where the bad guy is hiding? That flimsy trailer wouldn't stop a determined BB, b) what's with Bob Lee's friend completely losing it and c) what are the two of them doing, anyway? Law enforcement would be down on them pretty quick.
But, you know, good dramatic stuff with the wife, fun action scenes, and decent use of flashbacks pulls this episode up to a solid 6.
Designated Survivor (2016)
7 stars first two seasons, 1 for the third
I was bopping along, enjoying the ride, when I suddenly collided with season three.
Remember how Pres. Kirkman was an independent, a centrist, neither blue nor red? I could *almost* buy it in the first two seasons, although at times it was a struggle. But let's see what happened next...that is, which political party the President actually supported.
NOTE: This is not about which party is right. It is about the ludicrous conceit that Pres. Kirkman is anything but a solid Democrat.
Free Speech. Kirkman pardons a criminal who incited violence that resulted in deaths. Don't all law and order politicians do that?
Racism. Candidate Moss, the evil schemer of the show, is a Republican. Even worse, he says non-white students are pushing white students aside in college admissions. This gives Kirkman the chance to nobly proclaim that no one is being kept from college, which is true, but which wasn't what evil Moss said.
More race. Some wicked person is poisoning people with a deadly virus. And...he's just targeting brown people! He's probably a Republican.
LGBQetcl. Suddenly we have a beautiful trans woman and gay guy sex scenes, all completely normal and unquestioned.
Eugenics. Hitler and other terrible people are mentioned as using genetics to create a better race. Unmentioned was Margaret Sanger, a hideous eugenicist who wanted to purge black people from the population, and who saw abortion as a means to that end. (She founded Planned Parentood, in case you missed the irony.)
Drug and substance abuse. The Democrat dream of free clinics and needles for all is lovingly presented. Not presented: the streets of San Francisco, Seattle, and any other of many progressive cities.
Immigration, especially the illegal kind. A dying child's plight is shamelessly milked for sympathy. And don't forget how awesome and important it is that Aaron's skin is brown and he can speak Spanish and everything! He's like a...what's the word...a latinx! (Also in the show.)
The penal system. America's full and growing prisons are lamented, without too much concern for the repeat offenders who, upon release, resume their chosen lifestyle.
Teachers and education. Teachers' low salaries are a point of major concern. What is not a point of major concern: the tremendous overhead of the American primary and secondary education systems; the per-student expenditures in America, among the highest in the world; the unfortunate fact that education majors have lower ACT/SAT scores than almost every other major.
Ok, fine, I'm done. But President Kirman is a Democrat, Moss is at the very least a Ku Klux Klan insurrectionist - I mean Republican - and the other candidate was just served up to be ignored.
The 100: Spacewalker (2014)
Just piling on here...
...but Finn was a mass murderer, and deserved to die. In fact, he needed to die, to right the scales of justice and show some respect to the 16 people he killed.
One might say he's just a young guy who got caught up in the moment and started mowing people down. Well, hello. Lots of young guys and girls have been shattered by tragic events without KILLING A WHOLE VILLAGE!
Not to mention that the morally ambiguous sky people keep confusing motive with responsibility. You say he was not himself? That he was temporarily blinded by tears? Guess what? He still did it! And the people he murdered don't care why.
Oh and in passing, are all the macho leaders slender, beautiful women, while all the temporizing, rationalizing wusses are men?
The 100: Day Trip (2014)
So about those guns...
Young Adult shows can be pretty tiresome, with all the immature love triangles, illogical decision-making, characters contradicting themselves, and magical escapes. And also the flawless hair. But I'm ok with all that.
What brings me here today is the guns.
The guns would have rusted solid after 97 years in a humid bunker. But wait - the writers anticipated this difficulty, and solved it rather well - by having the guns be packed in grease. That's actually believable...
...until...the Young Adults start shooting their new weapons. And guess what? The ammo is bad - again, believable - but the guns work fine. And that, my long-suffering reader, is impossible. The guns have to be meticulously cleansed of grease, or they WILL NOT WORK.
The end.
Chill Factor (1999)
As long as I'm here...
...being bored and watching garbage movies, I might as well offer a brief review of this amazing film in the form of several of my pet peeves:
1. Cuba Gooding Jr is one of those guys that always plays himself (think Tommy Lee Jones). It's just Cuba, mugging for the camera, screeching some expletives, and generally being a pain in the butt. I've never thought he was funny, except for maybe in Rat Race. Good on him for scoring an Oscar for his act however!
2. McGuffins are annoying. This one is especially so, like when Mason gives the bad guy a fake one. All I could think of was a hot potato. And who didn't know the dumb thing was going to go off in the tunnel?
3. Speaking of which, predictability is probably impossible to avoid in formula action/buddy/comedy efforts like this, but really. Did anyone anywhere ever believe there was a snowball's chance in hell that the McGuffin would kill a bunch of people? Of course not. That leaves just watching the movie for the humor and special effects, and as for the humor, see #1.
So yeah. Watch "The Rundown" instead, or maybe treat yourself to some ice cream.