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kavazuma
Reviews
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (2008)
Indiana Jones and Alvin and the Chipmunks
First of all, what the heck is going on with the ratings at IMDb? Over 48,000 votes and a movie this lousy is sitting at 7.3/10? How is that possible?
*** SPOILERS AHEAD ***
I knew I was in for a bad time from the moment the Paramount logo dissolved into a mound of dirt with a "cute" CGI gopher popping out and staring at me. Oh god, no ...
Then the pointless drag race with "Hound Dog" playing that went on and on and on and on as I wondered if I'd wandered into the wrong movie.
Things picked up a little bit at the military warehouse, but then came another pointless sequence involving a rocket sled, only to be followed by a creepy trip into a faux 50s suburb and the now infamous "nuke the fridge" baloney.
Almost everything about this movie was wrong, wrong, wrong, from the story to the dialog to the acting to the new characters. Lucas and Spielberg completely blew the big reunion scene btwn Indy and Marion Ravenwood. I was excited to see Karen Allen return to the series, but she looked glassy eyed and her character seemed more insane than John Hurt's babbling hobo did.
Harrison Ford didn't show a lick of interest in his character and didn't seem to believe a word of what he was saying. He struck me as someone who's simply lost interest in acting and wanted to be somewhere else, maybe flying his airplane or trying on earrings with Ally McBeal.
I found it particularly unsatisfying (and odd) that, after so much was made of Ford's age, almost nothing was done to take advantage of it, not counting his obnoxious illegitimate son referring to him as "old man" several times. Why not at least one scene in which Indy is out of breath? He complained more about aches and pains in "Raiders" when the character was 25 years younger!
The movie ended with a heinously goofy, unbelievable wedding scene that rang totally false and out of character with the rest of the movie and the rest of the franchise, replacing the bad taste in my mouth left by the flying saucer only moments before with something even worse.
I wanted to like this movie. I really did. And I wasn't expecting much. I figured if it was equivalent in quality to "T3" in the Terminator franchise, I'd be happy. If only.
The CGI gophers, the CGI ants, the CGI monkeys, the CGI cacti whomping "Mutt" repeatedly in the groin as he sword fights with Natasha while straddling two vehicles racing through the jungle for hours ... on and on it goes. Avoid it.
The Fountain (2006)
lost opportunity or just lost?
I wanted to like this movie. I really did. But it just didn't work for me.
It's been less than a week since I watched The Fountain and I can hardly remember any of it now. I recall a few very nice visuals, a handful of interesting moments, and some intriguing concepts that were introduced and then left undeveloped, squeezed out in favor of the same teary, dreary terminal illness / love story melodrama we've all seen a hundred times before.
I might have enjoyed it anyway if any of the characters were particularly likable or compelling. They weren't. The very wonderful Ellen Burstyn was wasted in an underwritten role that could have been played by anyone. My Name is Earl's goofy brother kept lurking around in the background and throwing off my concentration. Rachel Weisz, who demonstrated no acting skill other than the ability to look luminous, was nearly insufferable as the earthbound angel / saint. Wolverine seemed semi-conscious and totally confused (not that I could blame him), except when he was blissed out and tumbling through space in full lotus (impressive).
I didn't really care one way or the other what happened to anyone, who died or who didn't (it was hard to tell). The non-linear presentation of the 3 timelines / stories was frustrating and incoherent; the attempted spiritual revelations and insights were trite and fell flat.
I generally enjoy being challenged by movies that play with time, space, presentation, the rules of reality, and the conventions of storytelling, but The Fountain was so short on substance that it was almost entirely empty of meaning for me as a result. I don't anticipate ever watching it again, or even thinking about it again once this review is posted.
Love Thy Neighbor (2006)
Hilariously bad ...
... or should I say unintentionally hilarious? Either way, this is one of the best comedies I've seen in a long time. I was laughing throughout at the antics of some of the dumbest fictional characters this side of Homer Simpson. It's just one forehead-slapping, painfully stupid scene after another as the clownish, dim-witted cardboard cutouts substituting for actual humanoid characters push, pull, and drag the "plot" to its inevitable and obvious conclusion.
If I had to describe this movie to someone, I'd call it a mutated hybrid of Fatal Attraction, Dumb and Dumber, and the Three Stooges, with a "climax" uncannily similar to the episode of Family Guy in which the whole family gets into a knock-down fistfight in the living room.
Advice to Benson family: next time you get a new pet, do the poor animal a favor and DON'T name it Fred!
El laberinto del fauno (2006)
NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition!
And I didn't expect what I got when I saw Pan's Labyrinth, either. Based on the marketing, the reviews, the previews, the buzz, etc., I was looking forward to a moving, visually rich mythopoetic tale that would feed my spirit and inspire my imagination. What I saw instead was a bloody, disgusting, depraved, amoral, aspiritual, nihilistic, and ultimately pointless horror film that fried my nervous system, left me furious, and made me fearful for any culture that embraces this sort of psychotic trash as art.
I signed up with IMDb just now for the sole purpose of warning others like me away from this soul-abusive celebration of torture, blood lust, killing, and graphic ultraviolence. I'm so glad I didn't see this in a movie theater, as it would have been severely traumatizing. Thankfully, this nightmare was a rental DVD from the local video store and I'm headed out the door to return it as soon as this review is posted. I don't want this sadistic violation of my senses and my spirit in my home any longer than necessary.
If you are a sensitive person with a kind heart, a vivid imagination, and a rich inner life, do yourself a favor and do NOT expose yourself to this psychotic splatterfest.