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Reviews
Invasion from Inner Earth (1974)
My faith has been restored.
Once upon a time, I naively believed that a film could be THE WORST simply by its own dubious merit. Years of hearing people describe "Seven Mummies" or "House of the Dead" as THE WORST eventually changed my mind... these are notably bad movies, but are enjoyable enough despite/because of this, and thus cannot possibly be THE WORST. 'No,' I reasoned, 'a movie can only truly be called THE WORST by disappointing its audience. The many sub-subpar giallo attempts must truly be THE WORST for offering a glimmer of tasty material, tricking us with what seems like a tense build-up, and finally, cruelly, robbing us of any payoff.' This philosophy carried me through many a night of terrible-movie-watching.
Then... I saw "THEY".
I had no expectation, unlike my viewings of "Kill, Baby, Kill" or "Silent Night, Bloody Night." Had I been less than entertained, I would have thought nothing of it. I received the movie as part of a 50-movie pack (from Mill Creek) and only put it on to pass the time.
And yet, something happened.
Aside from the plot and effects there was nothing overtly laughable about this movie. The acting was far from the worst I've seen, and the locations were believable if a bit cheap. Nothing immediately sparked my interest (aside from a mention of "bizarre creatures" in the DVD blurb) nor pointed out that this movie would be shockingly, horrifying dull. But this was far from Middle Of The Road bad. It was abysmal. It both terrified and sedated me. I suppose many could have slept through this, saving themselves the trouble of figuring out why such apparently total devastation resulted from such minor vandalism (perpetrated by such teensy, frail saucers). Only the bearded hippie's mind-scrambling "logic" kept me awake long enough to witness the utterly flabbergasting ending. A few questions remain: -What was that light? -What caused the humorous loss of motor control exhibited by various character? -Where was Eric crawling to for half an hour? -Why did God not mercifully strike me down before witnessing the last minute? -Who--dear god, WHO would fund this??
I've been enlightened. This is THE WORST movie I have ever seen, despite my lack of expectations. I'm infected with rage at how bad it was. My girlfriend is literally showing symptoms of poisoning. Even a Torgo couldn't salvage this boring, sniveling, half-assed, hick/hippie-oriented sack of filth.
Goonfactor: practically nonexistent, spiking to extremely high in the last ten seconds.
Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street (1936)
Commendable
There couldn't possibly be a more charming movie. Much of it is incongruous--the "natives attack" scene, the use of "Danny Boy" in the score--but all of it is entirely forgivable. Tod Slaughter and Bruce Seton's performances entirely make this movie. The plot's shortcomings are minimized by the snappy pacing (a short running time doesn't hurt, in this case). Costumes are wonderful, the grotesquerie of what's actually going on is suitably hinted at without on-screen gore; a stickler could complain about various points but it would only be to kill everyone's mood. Once you've watched this you'll see why nobody attempted a remake in seventy years. Burton's version might have cleaner production values, but I doubt it will have any of this film's class.
Goonfactor: virtually no unintentional gooniness. A model of appropriate goonage.
Seven Mummies (2006)
Not, in fact, the worst movie ever. Just recently.
There are numerous things wrong with this movie, of which I'll just point out a few.
The soundtrack was intrusive and borderline-offensive. You can tune out a John Williams score if you don't like it, but nu-metal or mexi-rap-rock so loud it drowns out the (dubious) dialogue doesn't have that option. If you don't like it--and most people don't--it kills the movie.
The plot... what can I say? There were moments where it seemed a plot might emerge, but they inevitably turned out just muddying the waters further. My theory is that Thadd Turner woke up from a drunken stupor and simply wrote down what he'd dreamed while under the influence of alcohol poisoning. You can practically smell the stale beer and vomit in some scenes. The gosh-golly-we're-in-the-Old-West-but-won't-question-it situation was absolutely laughable. And correct me if I'm wrong, but don't people mine gold in order to spend it, not so they can hide it forever? Are these Jesuit priests actually Smaug the Dragon? Where did they acquire elite kung-fu skills? The motives throughout are completely baffling. I'm still unclear on whether the sheriff was one of the seven mummies, whether he wanted the gold for himself or to protect it, or why he was after the amulet at all. Speaking of which, where did the other six amulets go? And the other three or four mummies? What are the chances that a gassed-up, operational Harley Davidson would be found under a mass of cobwebs in an Old West shanty? How did the dehydrated self-mutilator find the town, and why did he cart along a corpse? Whose corpse was it? Did the "heroes" ever return to burn that godforsaken town to the ground and claim the gold? Does anyone even care? The production values weren't bad, aside from sound and lighting. It seemed the camera operators and editors had extensive practice in the adult film industry. Only a few moments really dragged on, mostly Sheriff Dusty's monologues to his horse and Danny Trejo's self-amused chortles. It was a -horrible- movie, but it wasn't -unwatchable-. Those who claim so clearly haven't seen just how bad movies can be. At the very least, there was no shortage of eye candy. Teenage boys would probably prefer this to a blank screen... maybe.
Goonfactor: extremely high, but much of the gooniness was derived from equally goony but less atrocious pieces.
War of the Colossal Beast (1958)
War of the Colossal Buzzkiller
I must say, parts of this movie are a breath of fresh air in a jaded age. What Hollywood now considers utter necessities had not yet become established stereotypes. For example: the government phone tag/runaround scene took only a few minutes rather than hours and involved no "Agents" of any kind. The Mexican policeman has well-mannered and didn't call anyone "esé" or steal their kidneys, no matter how richly the loutish Mr. Swanson deserved it.
The Colossal Man, Col. Manning, was more Quasimodo than King Kong. It's hard to respect a "monster" who keeps being captured so easily, and there were easily three times more backstory than action. It's just a sad, sad movie about a guy who happens to have a horrific facial deformity and an intimidating style of grunting. There is no easy classification for this movie--it seems to straddle the divide between monster movie and... whatever '50s emo kids would watch to slit their wrists to. At least the pacing was good.
Goonfactor: 2.5 out of 5 goons. Depressing but watchable.
Earth vs the Spider (1958)
Good spider, bad teacher
"Earth vs. The Spider" is one of those charmingly dated monster movies that's still entirely watchable despite its shortcomings. The spider itself was less than creepy, slowly walking from place to place, apparently taking the occasional break to bludgeon some dawdling, inattentive passer-by. As spider monsters go, it lacks the mystery of "Beast From the Haunted Cave" or the winning personality of Spiga from the Godzilla mythos, but in forced perspective or alongside the acceptably detailed miniatures, it certainly looked good enough to earn its pay. The rest of the cast performed comparably well. A stand-out newcomer, unfortunately uncredited, was the wailing, bloodied baby who was briefly seen wandering through the spider's trail of destruction. That one scene had more impact than the rest of the movie in total.
I have to wonder how well-paid Mr. Kingman, the science teacher, was. Not only does he repeatedly refer to spiders as insects, he also fails to consider that the ground itself may be electrically conductive, or perhaps even grounded. The town's abundant supply of dynamite is never considered as a weapon, a possible alternative to Kingman's zany schemes.
Despite all this, the movie is still very watchable. The underground scenery is the best I've seen in black and white. There are few places where the pacing seems to lag and very little time is wasted on extraneous details. If you've ever wanted giant vermin to break up an impromptu sock hop, this is the movie for you.
Goonfactor: surprisingly un-goony.