This wasn't the worst mockumentary I've watched, but not the worst. In my opinion, this and found footage are two genres that could forever disappear without a care from me, so either of those two are going to start low in my book. However, the acting was at times impressive (in SOME of the characters), considering it's obviously small budget. I was surprised at the director's choices and (although their name escapes me now) I think they are talented. I would like to see them work in a different horror sub-genre. (Please stop making pseudo-docs/found footage. Please!) I wouldn't pay to watch by any means, but if you're into the genre I would recommend it. If you share my feelings about this tired format, skip it.
Reviews
4 Reviews
Jake's Closet
(2007)
Depressing Divorce Device
30 January 2023
This film kept popping up in my recommendations and I finally gave it a shot. Really wish I hadn't. It's not bad by any means. The acting is satisfactory, the writing is neither remarkable nor terrible. But the adults, particularly the mom & friend, killed me every time the poor boy is subjected to their grown up divorce. I don't want to watch a movie where a child is being psychologically torture the entire time. Jake should have taken his chances with the closet! Maybe, this can serve as a PSA if one or two divorcing couples watch this movie and recognize themselves and what they do to their child. That would be it's the most redeeming quality by far. I'd say it's more than WATCHABLE and less than ENTERTAINING. I give Jake's Closet a SLIGHTLY ENTERTAINING rate. Watch if you have nothing better to do.
Contracted
(2013)
The grossest Zombie movie yet, but not in a good way
30 January 2023
Warning: Spoilers
I like zombie movies. I watch everything zombie-ish I can. This seemed to be heading down the Zombo Lane, and I suppose the end result was a zombie movie. However, it is really about a selfish and vain girl breaking down into the monster she is on the inside. There were parts that made me want to wash my eyeballs (and not in a good way) , but in the end I'll write this WATCHABLE. Actually, I'll upgrade that to SLIGHTLY ENTERTAINING. There was enough happening to keep my attention to a degree. Don't bother with the second one. It's basically a duplicate of this one, using a boy instead of a girl. I watched it hoping it would expand from the original story into a pandemic/apocalyptic scenario but it literally just repeated itself.
Seizure
(I) (2016)
B-Team "Snatch" mixed w/Horror
30 January 2023
It reminded me of a feeble attempt to recreate snatch with a witch instead of a diamond. Although with none of the talent of Guy Ritchie in the directing department. (Most of)The actors aren't half bad and, to be fair, the director does a decent - job given his/her undoubtedly low-budget. This was not the best movie I've seen but it definitely wasn't the worst. Maybe I was just in the right mood, but I rate this at Watchable. It does not come close to Great or Fantastic in any way, but I was able to stay entertained enough for 85mins. I hate to compare it to snatch yet again, but if you like that gangster POV with a dash of silly supernatural, it's WATCHABLE Folks!
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