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MadMagicMike
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The Poughkeepsie Tapes (2007)
The "meh"est of all the found footage films I've ever seen
I've heard for years that this is "one of the most brutal found footage movies ever made" and that a lot of people had to turn it off due to how messed up it is, so I put it off until I was in the mood to watch something with that kind of reputation.
I won't get into spoilers, but everything I heard about this movie was wrong. There is only one scene that stood out as being mildly disturbing; the rest of the movie is basically a montage of light BDSM, women crying, and implications of bad things happening to children (none of it is actually shown). When they finally reveal the killer, he is cartoonish to the point that it detracts from the seriousness of his actions.
Even if I hadn't believed the hype, this movie would have been laughable with the way it presents itself. It feels like a really long YouTube video cobbled together by high school film students, with only slightly higher production value. The VHS filter they use is noticeably fake and hard on the eyes, and the mockumentary crew acted as if they were telling an inside joke the audience isn't a part of - at least until you realize that the movie itself is the joke.
If you're reading this before watching the movie, do yourself the favor of skipping it unless you're terrified of crying women and orgy masks.
House of Clowns (2022)
This movie is super-duper ridiculously not good
I like clowns. I like B-movies. I thought this was a B-movie with clowns; I was wrong. What this actually is, is the worst thing I've ever wasted 83 minutes on.
When the main characters first go into the haunted house, one of them says "this looks like something out of a children's public access show" and I think that accurately sums up this movie; it should have rolled credits after that line. There is exactly one person in the entire movie who could convince me that they've had acting lessons; everyone else's acting is about as convincing as the average porn intro. They stumble through their lines with lots of "ums" and can regularly be seen looking off camera to read cue cards. Similarly, the special effects are practically nonexistent and the sets are akin to a high school play which is fitting, since it feels like it was written by a high school special ed class. The movie is regularly interrupted by a wannabe Elvira who makes an edgy, I'm-so-dark-and-mysterious comment before the movie continues to disrespect your time.
I cannot understate how much I hated this movie. I would rather snort broken glass and staple my dong to the floor than watch this again. Thankfully I didn't pay to see it - if I had, I would consider going to small claims court to get my money back.
Terrifier 2 (2022)
Top-notch clown violence
I'll preface this by saying that I have always loved violent clowns; something about the juxtaposition of a children's entertainer murdering people just does it for me. I also love movies that take place during Halloween and have sets that reflect that time of year (jack-o-lanterns, trick-or-treaters, leafless trees, etc).
Terrifier 2 is about a clown murdering people on Halloween, exactly a year after his last killing spree. There's technically more to the story than that, but that's not what I watched this movie for. I watched it for the over-the-top violence, gore, and Halloween/killer clown aesthetic; in that regard, it was exactly what I wanted.
The acting is about what I expected from a low-budget indie horror movie. The storyline is pretty basic (a clown is murdering people and must be stopped, kid knows what's going on but grown-ups don't believe him, etc). If you want to be wowed by great actors and compelling writing, look elsewhere. But if you want to see the messiest, most brutal violence perpetrated by a clown in horror movie history, look no further.
The only reason I'm giving it 9 stars instead of 10 is because of the runtime; some of the character-building scenes dragged on a bit longer than they should have for this type of movie. I loved everything else about it though, and will definitely watch it again.