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Reviews
Journey to Promethea (2010)
New Lease on Life
My 12-year-old nephew chose this film off our NetFlix suggestions list. I find this suggestion extremely frightening because it proves the Internets, or NetFlix at least, are now self-aware and have the ability to read not only into your mind, but your soul. In the opening scene of the film I was skeptical; were these 'medieval' costumes so clean because they were rented and needed to be returned later that afternoon? were there actually three Snow White figures in each town? is chrome armor so effective you don't need pants? do six soldiers make an army?
As the piece continued, however, my disbelief lifted like a fog and I began to really get a feel for the characters. There was a woodland hunter, so human, so fallible, who did not realize he could not kill anything with his crossbow because there was no point on the arrow. This touch of subtlety in the creation of this work of art indicates a master's hand. The 'hero' character, young, naive, beautiful, wore knee-high boots with tassels that were as new to walking as he was to battle in a stunning display of symbolism. The greenish-yellow troll thing spoke with an electronically-altered voice rendering it completely impossible to understand and his floppy rubber hands warned me: DO NOT TRUST THIS TROLL. (I did not.)
In London I saw Ian McKellan and Patrick Stewart perform Samuel Beckett's "Waiting for Godot," but never before have I been blown away by a performance than last night when I saw Billy Zane's interpretation of the King (I forgot the king's name). His mannerisms: pure royalty. His face: a mirror into my own decadence. His hair: well, I think it was a wig. It would be criminal for me with my rustic intellect to even attempt a worthy critique. Like a sunrise after a storm or the birth of an angel, you must see it to fully understand its beauty and its effect on the human spirit.
Many of you can appreciate a spectacular smile on a young woman, and boy does this film deliver. The filmmakers were well aware of the little-known tactic 'Amazon' warriors used with great effect: distract your enemy with the nearly-exposed female form. The grace and fluidity in movement of these lady-soldiers complement their skill as orators. When a supple young bodyguard tightens her delectable abdomen and draws a deep breath before pledging her very life to protect the princess, you find yourself hoping the situation never calls for blood, because she. is. serious. SPOILER: She lives like 2 more minutes.
I realize this review must gloss over much of the film, but the one scene that cannot be overlooked, the culmination of hours, maybe days of writing, setting up, filming, is the final epic battle between good and evil. The King's general, Fat Round-Faced Bald Man with No Pants, finally confronts our hero and his sexy entourage. With an army of at least 6 men, No Pants Man boldly dispatches everyone in his way, even our hero's beloved mentor who was supposed to be an awesome warrior. Fortunately, our hero is reminded through (rather ill-timed) flashback to "Remember his Destiny!" and soundly defeats No Pants Man by knocking tobacco juice out of his mouth. Our hero and his semi-buff, shirtless brother, accompanied by super-hot princess run to thrust the glowing sword into a pile of cardboard. I am not sure why the film crew chose cardboard, but it worked. Miles away, Billy Zane burst into flames (much like my eyes had done during his performance) and that was pretty much it. All the 'townsfolk' in their very clean costumes walked towards their dazzling castle, painted on the sky in the far distance.
In conclusion, this film, this commentary on the human condition, has started me on a new path. I no longer overlook starving homeless people. Now I look on with pity. I pick litter up off the street (as long as there is a trash can nearby). Please, take 84 minutes to watch this film and let's make the world a better place. One Star for only being 84 minutes long.
Tron: Legacy (2010)
Pretty colors and a cool soundtrack, but sorry, no plot.
Problem #1. This movie would have been awesome had they hired a writer at any point. The whole film felt like it had been created by children selecting randomized clichés from a hat: Main character loses parents, becomes angry. Main character is a rich badboy/risk-taker. Main villain/fighter used to be a good guy. Villain is *shocker* reprogrammed/brainwashed good guy! Reprogrammed/Brainwashed good guy remembers he is a good guy! (And just in time to save the day!!!!!!!) Father sacrifices himself to save son. Female role is played by a really hot actress. Why not Kathy Bates? Betty White? The ISO plot line was like a bunch of mumbo-jumbo thrown in, like adding packing peanuts to your breakfast cereal to make it go further. Sorry, but 90% of the dialogue would not have made it through a freshman Creative Writing course.
Problem #2. A great portion of the film was 2D. They added a disclaimer at the beginning explaining that this was done on purpose, but when 45 minutes of a 2-hour '3D' film are in fact NOT in 3D I want 40% of my money back.
Problem #3. I think that most of the loosely-connected action sequences were trying to support some plot line about the hot female lead "changing everything" back in the real world. Something about her perfect, disease free, succulent body being able to revolutionize the human race. OK, kind of a big deal. However, she decides to 'remove herself from the equation' by fighting the bad guys alone. This is a bit like John Connor trying to save his mother and the Terminator by shooting himself in the face. Sure, you removed yourself from the equation, but now there isn't much reason to go on. Not only that, but once they make it safely back to the real world after so much sacrifice, what does Sam Flynn do? He puts her on a motorcycle with no helmet. Even in the artificial grid people wore helmets! And this isn't some smokey chick from Tony's Wings and Billiards, this is, once again, the only survivor of a race of perfect beings and the potential key to saving billions of lives. "Hey, this is the cure for AIDS, cancer, Lou Gehrig's disease, everything you can imagine! Watch me juggle it over this volcano!" All in all, 5 stars. Jeff Bridges' voice is cool, the grid world looked pretty sweet (for the first few minutes, then you kinda take it for granted) and the soundtrack was pretty rad.
Resident Evil: Apocalypse (2004)
Helps me justify stealing movies off the Internet.
I would have felt like a douche if I had paid for this movie; hell, I felt stupid for wasting the time it took to watch it. I almost quit watching during the scene in which Jill begins shooting people in the police station. (Don't get me wrong, she was hot, but you can see hot chicks anytime you want. Just Google Rosie O'Donnell.)
A few questions... Where does Jill hide her cigarette pack? It sure isn't in her pocket.
Why does Alice choose a tank-top covered by a net when she knows she is about to face zombies which will infect you with a single bite? The same goes for Jill, whose tube-top and miniskirt don't offer a high degree of protection. Personally, I would go with the suit of armor, welder's attire, rattlesnake-wrangler's gear, or buy the Halloween make-up kit and pretend to be part of the 'undead' crowd.
Why is the action overdone to such a great extent? I like sugar, but I don't eat it straight out of the bag.
Was there any action cliché that was not incorporated into this movie?
Was this movie a comedy on purpose?
Rocky IV (1985)
Singlehandedly Ended the Cold War
Nuclear war was eminent until this film came along and proved once and for all that a 'roid-raged captain in the Russian Army is no match for an American near-GED recipient with a little guts and a whole lotta heart. While Drago juiced it up and trained in a state-of-the-art facility, Rocky pumped some wood and ran in the snow. He also knew the secret of growing a beard in order to fool his government-appointed chaperons.
Perhaps the most valid lesson of this movie is the use of montage to help build muscle and skill. As seen in Rocky IV, 80s Metal has many attributes, from the sports car music video that helps Rocky come to terms with what must be done regarding Drago, to helping him get into shape in about four days. Many people claim Rocky cannot win without Adrian's support, yet actually it is the 80s Metal.
Rocky-No 80s Metal-Lost to Apollo
Rocky II-80s Metal-Beat Apollo
Rocky III(1st Half of movie)-No 80s Metal-Lost to Mr.T
Rocky III(2nd Half of movie)-80s metal-Beat Mr.T
Rocky IV(Apollo vs Drago)-James Brown/Soul instead of 80s Metal-Apollo gets killed
Rocky IV(Rocky vs Drago)-80s Metal-Rocky defeats Drago
Rocky V-Some pseudo-rap soundtrack- Even though Rocky beats Tommy Gunn, he has lost his money and respect. Also the final fight doesn't even take place in a ring, and the film was inarguably the worst movie in the series due to the lack of 80s Metal.
Rocky Balboa-Paid homage to 80s Metal-Rocky lost to Mason Dixon-Damn, he's sixty years old, what do you expect?
Oh, and for my Rocky IV spoiler, Rocky wins.