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Reviews
Ghost Adventures: Idaho State Reform School (2018)
Trapped in a Cell, Munching Organic
I told myself that I wouldn't give my -DEBUNKED- Bois that high of a rating because they're popularizing things that do not exist and play-pretend at knowing how to do the one thing they clearly do not: actual gosh-dang science with a scientific method and not inferring words from a static box that, if there were spirits, they probably wouldn't know how to use it. Nevertheless, this is the episode where Zak traps Aaron in a confinement cell for the entire night and then abandons him to go continue the investigation with Billy.
This is comedy gold because of the ongoing narrative throughout the entire series of how much Zak is mean to Aaron, who is so frightened and starts going crazy because he is stuck in a dark, former confinement room all night with no door handle and a tiny slit of a window for him to look into the hallway with. Then, Zak goes to check on him and instead of being like, "hey buddy, I'm walking towards you, how ya doin?," he just walks towards the cell holding his camera and Aaron gets back at him with a jump scare. I cannot tell you how satisfying it is to see this. I just imagine that Zak has to be extra careful with the laundry in the morning.
I think it's fairly definitive that Zak is a very weird man. I mean, he's been weird since he was on an episode of Wheel of Fortune before making it big. Nevertheless, when trying to lure fictional, ambiguous child spirits, Zak brings out a dish of candy and he explains the type of candy and goes, "and gummies... -whispers- they're organic." Just... the line delivery is so beautiful. I cannot overstate this.
And these two high points push it over the edge to a failing grade of 50%. Truly, I should be more angry with how Zak believes that autistic people are more sensitive to the supernatural or how children and their memories from decades ago are reliable, but AARON GETS TRAPPED IN A CONFINEMENT CELL AND OH MY GAWD IT IS HILARIOUS.
Ghost Adventures: Cape Disappointment (2018)
Native Americans Should Represent Themselves
The funniest part of this episode is when the psychic claims that there are old spirits near the lighthouse and Zak goes, "Old, do you mean... ~ancient~??" Zak knows synonyms, but I also love that something being "ancient" has the rhetorical impact of being evil for ghost hunters.
The most frustrating parts of the episode are when they fetishize Native American culture without any Native Americans to talk about their culture and history and whether or not this dang forest is haunted and/or evil. Now, this is a pretty common problem in the paranormal industry in which some place is old so it must have something to do with Native Americans like some weird boogeyman scapegoat. Jay also does research into the Chinook tribe and how they have disappeared.
Fun fact: They have not. The Chinook Nation was recognized by the federal government for a whole 18 months after over a century of trying to get the rights of other recognized Native American nations and tribes, but then the Bush 2.0 administration said, "nah man, let's screw over the Native Americans some more because we have a history of doing that and we might as well follow precedent."
So amidst the ghosts and suicides and angry spirits found in every other episode of Ghost Adventures, they just participate in some straight up racism against Indigenous Peoples that is such a problem with ghost "hunters" and other colonizers since the dawn of the United States but particularly from the notable Westward expansion of the Lewis and Clark expedition.
I did like one thing about the episode. I found all of the recreations and creepy scenes particularly inspired. The color grading was all over the place, but creepy people standing on beaches and climbing up giant rock cliffs and stuff was pretty entertaining for the split seconds they were shown. 1/10 stars, though, because even some goofy b-footage can't save the blatant racism.
Ghost Adventures: Commander's House (2018)
Split Investigation to Fill Space
Ultimately, I hate to break it to you: Ghost Adventures is a long running program that requires evidence to be found in every episode to keep themselves on the air. Unfortunately, this means that they have to combine two locations into one episode because there was no "evidence" in just one story and they have to pay the producers about a fraction of Zak anyway because travel and airfare is hard to come by nowadays. To be fair, there's no such thing as evidence of the paranormal because there's no such thing as the paranormal, but hey potato, tomato, right?
The episode starts out with a famous shipwreck on the Oregon Coast, the metal frame of the Peter Iredale; the site of many tourist's Facebook profiles in 2010. Zak then decides to ruin the site by saying that the supernatural caused a bunch of shipwrecks along the Pacific Coast or something, and I'm not sure if he's ever seen an underwater rock... much like the ship captains!
We are then given a back and forth investigation of Fort Stevens and the Commander's House for those who commanded at Fort Stevens. There has to be a "haunted" house because a semi-underground Fort, albeit super cool, looks kind of generic around every corner.
How do I know this? Because I've been to Fort Stevens half a dozen times and been inside those forts that the intrepid crew briefly walks through and abandons Billy in at one point where he finds no evidence. They're creepy, dark, damp, and easy to get lost in. The perfect place for your mind to trick you into seeing things like when Aaron sees a figure. Also, side note, I was a child and my parents thought I was kidnapped when, in actuality, I was just hunting for frogs. This is very Oregonian and most definitely tracks.
So the Commander's House? Um... Not much happens. I mean, Aaron perceives that he was almost pushed down the stairs, but there's no real evidence to show his body being pushed. It is all very circumstantial. Then the lights flicker on and off, which is fairly common in old homes (mine is over 100 years old and this still happens) and especially along the Oregon Coast. There's some old woman-ghost of which there were no historical records presented during the episode that there ever was an old woman in the house who could potentially be a ghost. I guess when a ghost isn't given a name, they can't be fact checked, right? "BoOOooooOOO I'm the ghost of a generic person with no real distinguishing features but I could also be someone who once worked here, or lived here... let me get back to you on that one... BOOOOooooOOooo!"
Anyway, I rated this episode higher than the others I've rated, arbitrarily because I felt bad and there wasn't anything outside the norm of a normal episode of Ghost Adventures in any major leap or bound to make me think, "oh wow, they really have something to (dis)prove here." So I guess that's a Bagans and Co win! 4/10 stars, let that fictional old woman ghost clean your heart out.
Ghost Adventures: Norblad Hostel (2018)
Packed in a Truck Like Sardines
This episode had thrills, chills, and compelling evidence. The thrills came from all of their cameras continuing to turn off despite them not being able to invest in better cameras, the chills came from Astoria being a very cold and misty place, and the compelling evidence comes from Zak dropping an F-Bomb.
Oh, and another thrill was Zak yet again straight up saying that Aaron is bait. Poor Aaron, always going into dark places because the host is too scared to himself, even though he readily admits in the episode that he's more susceptible to causing "paranormal" things to happen. Seems ineffective.
The funniest part of the episode, because over half of it is dedicated to talking again about some arbitrary Lovecraft episode despite Lovecraft barely having any connection to Oregon, is when the crew sets up their home base in an Ocean Beauty Seafood Truck. How do spirits affect them on the city street?
The SLS-XBox Kinect Camera is always the funniest conduit of "evidence" in any episode, considering that the stick figures only appear in open spaces that don't intersect between different objects or planes in the background because it's programmed specifically to force human like shapes to appear when possible. It is a truly ineffective tool, but at least this stick figure dances for Zak while "going down" the stairs. In addition to faulty devices bringing out arbitrary evidence, I'm really curious as to what the vocabulary list is for the talking EVP device. Like, are "bleu cheese" or "fraud" some possible words for it to choose from?
Again, nothing is funnier than the -DEBUNKED- crew being stuck in a former fish delivery truck as their home base. It is both very Oregonian and very "the producers are looking for any possible memorable image of this completely forgettable episode."
Ghost Adventures: Enchanted Forest (2018)
I Cried in the Haunted House When I was 9
Upon watching another Oregonian episode of Ghost Adventures, I was reminded once again that we are really weird people. Like, who builds an enchanted, storybook-like amusement park outside of Salem, Oregon? I fondly remember eschewing the rides (that this episode mostly did not show, unfortunately) during Halloween while my grandpa gleefully aimed to scare me in the "haunted" house. I walked behind him, held his shirt to my face and cried...
...much like the Ghost Adventures crew does whenever a brushed fern or crunch of a pinecone screams evil spirits!
Honestly, the attraction to the Enchanted Forest is with truly how weird a clearly bored man with just enough money for concrete and amazing finishes and touch-ups to 40 year old paintings fulfills his dream to create a truly unique experience. And hey, an extra boost of cash flow from a popular show now hitting its stride through streaming isn't a bad reason to stretch a few bedtime stories.
Did I go down the Witch Mouth slide and have the time of my life? Yes! Because every Oregonian child in the Portland and Salem area has. I was genuinely scared by things meant to scare me created by weird humans, not ghosts.
Back to the episode: I liked it when the park owner rode up on a scooter to boost advertising for the place. I also liked the incredibly pixelated photo of some light effect in a currently, at-the-time operating ride really brought out the fear in Zak's eyes. I also liked when horrors of Aaron's past were brought up, but he was still enthusiastically checking out all of the areas in the dark. I'd go around a dark corner for you, buddy.
Much like the statues and rides throughout Enchanted Forest, the goal of this episode is all fiction.
Ghost Adventures: Astoria Underground (2018)
Zak, My Dear...
This is the most Oregonian thing I've ever seen. The sarcasm goes over the -DEBUNKED- crew's heads.
As appreciative as I am of referencing a horror(?) film no one watched, the abstract connection to an outdated (albeit influential) author whose inspirations did more to outshine his actual work seemed more like filler for an episode that was short on ghosts, spooks, and ghouls, of which there are no such thing but I will endlessly watch people who believe that naturally, historically, and evolutionary scary things are signs of the nonexistent paranormal. Plus, what's more fun than yelling at things in the dark and play-pretending scientist?!
Back to the episode, I liked the history of Astoria that wasn't Goonies-related, and the butchers were earnest and genuine of their perceived experiences. Creepy things are truly creepy. I don't like going down into dark tunnels, but also I'm tall and my forehead scars easily.
Lastly, to bring it back around to the star of the show, the woman working at the theater may be a believer, but she is clearly messing with Zak, from a fellow Oregonian-perspective, for half the episode. Were there any demons with this one, or just that woman's she-devil wit? Amen.