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Reviews
The Pope's Exorcist (2023)
Van Helsing would be proud
As for most movies with God and Jesus in the background I tend to look at them as JUST movies. In this one tho, we have a real life person - Father Gabriel Amorth. I came across this movie as someone who only heard more or less about Father Amorth. AFTER watching this movie tho, I am surprised as to why exactly did they use him in this production?
Real life Father Amorth was indeed an exorcist but he became one very late in his life. He never claimed to be possesed by any demon of any kind, never went to Spain to exorcise anyone. It makes me think they used Father Amorth in this movie mostly to priase his life as well as give a simple and ready-to-go background for their main character. Because things that were true to the real Father Amorth were for example: him fighting in the resistance during the war, him being a laywer, etc.
As to the movie itself, it's easier if you know nothing about real Gabriel Amorth, because movie Amorth seems more like a Van Helsing type of exorcist. AND I LOVE IT!
I was expecting something very casual, very predictable. Seeing Gabriele Amorth as this badass exorcist, who's funny, knows what he's doing, is not perfect was so refreshing to witness.
Every scene with Russell Crowe was a gem. Everything else was... kind of boring. Not because the scenes themselves were boring, but because the charisma of Russell Crowe in previous scenes made our expectations so high, everytime he WASN'T on screen I was just waiting for him to come back.
The only flaw that I immediately see is the last act which was way too long. There were 3 or 4 climaxes and you never knew when the movie was gonna end. When you think it's over - BOOM - something else happens that drives you to the next climax. As spectacular as some scenes can be it definetely dragged a little for too long.
Nonetheless the movie is refreshing. Of course we have some of the usual exorcist tropes - but that's given. It's energetic, it keeps you on edge and when it doeasn't - you're just happy to see Russell Crowe on screen.
Elevator Game (2023)
Promising but with inconsistencies galore
I decided to watch this movie being certain that it'll allute to the Elisa Lam case (if you don't know the case I reccommend learning about it. It's sad and tragic) which many scare-seekers thought she played that exact Elevator Game. To my surprise the movie isn't about that. But also isn't about... anything else.
That's the main problem. The movie doesn't know what it wants to be and has so many inconsistencies that it's hard to decifer. At the same time it has a lot of creative and nice touches. So I'll go through with them chronologically.
- The movie starts way too slow. The first "scary" thing happened along the 30-40 minute mark.
+ They are using real-life apps (like TikTok or YouTube) instead of making fake ones for no reason.
- We have a token group. A dumb jock, a stupid blonde, a token nerd, a token beliver in ghosts, a token good girl and a sorta-main-protagonist.
+ The design of the monster FROM A FAR is great. Suddenly in all this chaos I saw TekeTeke-esc, japanese monster-like creature. It was uncanny, it was weird and it was perfect. The movement, the sound. *chef's kiss*
- The design of the monster FROM A CLOSE UP is terrible. Then we get the close up. The makeup on the creature looks cheap and isn't anything creative nor scary. Makes me wonder why did they even bother with the close-ups.
+ (AND IT'S A BIG PLUS) Characters act like real-life people. If someone has no real proof of the monster - they won't react as we expect them to in stereotypical horror way. If characters saw the monster they will - correctly so - overly freak out as we would upon seeing an out of this world thing.
- No matter what I said above, the characters don't TALK like real-life people. They act correct, but the dialogue is stiff and is really a hit or miss.
- The monster attacks are inconsistent. We don't know what to expect from the ghost but not in a good way. Does she teleport? She must, 'cause she's seen attacking different people far away from each other. Does she muliply? She must, 'cause we've seen her attack multiple people at the same time. What are her powers? Everything? It must be, 'cause sometimes she's invisible. Sometimes she attacks like a Mind Flier (from Stranger Things) would. Sometimes she can stand away from you to hurt you. Sometimes she has to phisically touch you to do any harm. Beacuse of that she seems overpowered.
+ movie is self aware. Which is nice and they don't cross the mockery line at any point. Nice touch of realness.
- people die at weird timing. Why did the ghost take sweet sweet time trying to get to some of them, only to find and murder the rest almost immediately? I don't know. It was confusing at best, and a little distracting at worst.
- The backstory of the ghost comes a little too late and a little too out of nowhere. There is no time for the new information of such relevance to really sink in.
- The movie doesn't know if it wants to be gory. Some deaths are very PG, off screen. Some have bowels ripped from the stomach. After few deaths the first gory death really took me out and not in a good way. I was surprised and confused. Agaon - not in a good way.
- The actions of the last two surving protagonists are so out of
+ The movie end the same way it started. With an unknowing idiot who tries to play the Elevator Game. You could argue the last one being more stupid, because at this point several people "dissapeard" in this place so... natural selection I guess. I like how it says that people will never change. That they will always go out of their way to chase clout and risk themselves which - again - is a realistic part of the movie.
I can appreciate the effort and some of the details. The biggest problem for me tho, is the pacing. The movie starts too slowly, making you lose interes in the story and fates of the characters. Some flaws can't be fixed but I feel that with a few editing decisions we'd have a much better, remade movie that could maybe even reach a 7 in rating.
As Above, So Below (2014)
It stumbles upon itself but I love it!
I'm an absolute sucker for found-footage movies. I just love them and tend to give them more credit.
It didn't stop me from seeing some faults here and there. The conclusion as to what they have to do in order to escape (confessing the sins) was a little on the nose. Also the choice of who escapes is... a little confusing. Watching this I was like "Ok, main girl, main guy... and some random dude, fine".
BUT! They DID survive! I adore horror movies with "a bit" of a happy ending. "The bit" part is important. Too sweet of a horror movie leaves too much of a sugary taste. Too dark one, leaves a depression on your tongue. Here - it's just perfect. Some die, some live. Majestic.
I am well aware the thing that I'm praising will be flaws to the others. This particular movie just hits exactly in my likes.
I could praise the little details like using Dante's Inferno. I could mention the silly things like not giving everyone a - much needed in this scenario - backstory. I could, but I feel like other reviews will do this much better than I would.
I just wanted to appreciate the movie that hit every checkbox for me as to what I expect from a found-footage horror.
The Autopsy of Jane Doe (2016)
Great autopsy, not so great ending.
Even tho I'm dissapointed in the ending, I still rate this movie high. It's because of the AMAZING middle part which is fairly surprising.
Usually the middle part is the most boring/most prolonged. But here it's different. I rewatch this movie occasionally (usually to have it in the background of drawing) but the middle part always brings my attention back.
The autopsy it done so well (and I don't mean "correctly" in medical terms as I am not a professional) that you're focused on the procedure. It's not gory (at least for me) so it's not unwatchable.
I dare to say it has this ASMR-ish ring to it (not the sound obviously, but the visuals). I just have such a good time watching supposed professionals doing their job.
But for every movie comes an ending, and this one didn't fly well. I admire horrors that want to have at least SOME sort of a happy ending, instead of leaving us miserable. This one doesn't tho. A movie with such a precision into its making, doesn't deserve an "and everyone dies" ending. Because that's what happens here. Everyone dies. Everyone. I like the idea that the girl is a witch and somewhat alive. That her body is cursed. It's excellent. But couldn't they just... NOT kill everyone? We could very well understand the impossibility and deathlyness of the curse without everyone dying. It just left a bad taste in my mouth.
I would very much like a sequel - althout it most propably wouldn't be about an autopsy which was the absolute best part of the movie - but this time with protagonists NOT dying.
El hoyo (2019)
Wonderful idea, bad execution
I have a soft spot for Cube-like movies (except for Saw serie). That's why the movie intrigued me for the first 30 minutes or so. It shows a very creative idea for a prison. I feel like the director wanted to make just that - a prison movie, but ultimately felt the need to add some commentary on society and system as a whole. The concept in the movie speaks for itself, so I feel like all the metaphors were excessive. With all the metaphors that we're given it confuses me as to what more concrete explanations are said. For example: I can understand why the Administration lady came down there - she was deathly sick. Even main character (no matter how stupid his cause was) - he wanted to quit smoking and read a book. But all the rest? All 666 people (I assume, because there was 333 levels) had a strong enough reason to just go there? EVERYONE hated it there. There were no real-life criminals that went there as a punishment. As far as we know there were just volunteers (they imply that it's shocking to be there willingly, but nothing otherwise it said either). Was was the Baharat there? Why was the Trimagasi there?
Also - other question - if the little girl was really Miharu's child... HOW? Imoguiri (Administration lady) said taht Miharu was childless and came here alone. So was the child non existent and just a metaphor or hallucination?
Nevertheless I watched it all the way, but this interesting ride became trackless because of the ending.
I was having a hard time understanding why would a child be a "bigger message" than the panna cotta? This seemed to be my biggest confusion UNTIL the main characters end decision to sacrifice himself for literally NO REASON. I still don't get it. Just because a hallucination of an old callmate alluded that he wan't needed there? What if the "Administration" just killed the girl, because there was noone to explain her presence to them? What if the platform just hit the ceiling in the end? I know these are some grim ideas, but how can I feel any sort of comfort after watching an unnecessary death of the protagonist?
The movie itself finishes abruptly. I'm not talking about the plot but just the moment the end credits roll. It's so fast and out of nowhere we're just being left confused.
I could gladly rewatch this movie, for like I said - the concept of the prison itself is marvelous. But I'd most propably just end my rewatch on the 30-40 minute mark.
Beau Is Afraid (2023)
I would rate it higher, but the ending....
I was skipping through the end credits in hopes of finding ANYTHING that gave us an epiphany or explanation. But there was nothing. Only a dissapointing ending.
After 3 hours of watching a man struggle with his obvious mental problems it's very depressing of seeing him apparently lose the fight. And if it was directors plan - good... if the movie wasn't 3 hours long.
For the first hour or so I was so hyped up. I was just waiting for the next puzzle pieces to fall onto me to make a coherent explanation. But after 2 hour mark I instead felt like all I had were new pieces from three different puzzles.
I have too many questions. How do I interpret the "true father" of Beau? Why did the drug-popping of everyone went nowhere? Is the New York City like this for real, or is it just in Beau's head? What's the matter with the teenage daughter? What happened to her? What was up with the paint eating sequence? What was up with the overly long theatre sequence? Why was the veteran first trying to kill Beau, only later trying to kill "the father"?
A movie doesn't have to have all the answers. The Lighhouse for example - it has so many possible answers we argue which interpretation is "the most correct". Here? We have nothing. And here my problem:
I DO have an interpretation which - if correct - would make me rate this move to a 7 or maybe even 8. It is essencialy that all we see is "just a dream". As simple as it sounds it's PERFECT for this movie. If THAT was the case then everything makes sense: You speak to your therapist - you're afraid they won't keep it secret. You take a lot of meds - you tend to notice if anyone else is taking them too. You had a crush - you're afraid the'll use you. You have a mother - you're afraid she'd die. (I'm leaving the obvious mommy issues out of my countdown).
THAT'S WHY I WAITED. And waited. And waited for Beau to wake up. For us to see (still dangerous) but more or less normal New York City. That's why I went through all the end credits only to get nothing.
And here's my problem. If Ari Aster stood next to me and told me "yes! That's correct" or gave me any other explanation or AT THE VERY LEAST told me there was one I would be happy. But he's not. He's not standing next to me. He's not telling me all of that.
I can't rate a movie higher just because I found an explanation that works for me. I can only rate what I'm given, and what I was given was a long but possibly one in a lifetime experience of getting my hopes and imagination up through the roof, only for it to fall deep down.
Still I would reccomend the movie to my friends, because the experience itself was... one of a kind. Even if my friends hated me after that.