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The Man (2005)
Even the Razzies wont touch this one.
Here are some signs of a bad film: 1) The ticket booth employee says 'Wow! You're the first people to watch this today' and you are at the late night showing.
2) You have to wake up the projectionist to get the movie started.
3) There is a disclaimer before the movie asking to not throw snacks or beverages at the screen.
4) Another disclaimer appears reading that once the film starts money can not be refunded.
5) You fall asleep with your eyes open.
6) You or a friend scream out 'Please burn this print!'
All of this happened as we watched Samuel Jackson beat up Eugene Levy for kicks.
Funky Monkey (2004)
Check your remotes batteries before watching this one.
This is the story of two guys who found a copy of 'Funky Monkey.' Finding this seemed odd at the time figuring that there are still posters for the movie at the local Cineplex Odeon. After seeing such classics as 'Every Which Way But Loose' and 'Project X,' these two guys figured movies with monkeys are awesome.
These guys were in for a long ride as they watched this movie. There was some monkey that was replaced by a Stunt MAN when action sequences were required. It was apparent that the monkey wasn't trained in the school of Shakespearean acting. Perhaps replacing the monkey with Ben Affleck might have helped the guys thought.
Maybe a strong sidekick would help like a Jackie Chan or heck maybe even Hulk Hogan. Luckily this movie had amazing martial artist and Jet Li look-a-like Matthew Modine. While some might argue that Matthew Modine doesn't come close to Jet Li, camera tricks prove that he is every bit as good. When it becomes obvious that an untrained chimp can't handle the movie, the movie leans on Matthew Modine to be the real star.
Did I mention that there is some dorky kid that develops a bond with Modine and the monkey? Is there a possibility that the kid learns confidence and even picks up a girl in this movie? Even Matthew Modine should get jealous with this one (because using the pick-up line 'I'm second fiddle to a monkey' doesn't seem to work with the ladies.)
Shortly after watching this movie the two guys got a phone call from Matthew Modine telling them 'Seven days.'
The Karate Kid (1984)
Exceeds every film with 'Kid' in title
Many generic films have been made with the same premise as this movie and tries to follow the same formula. Boy needs to learn to fight to defend himself. The kid usually learns this from some unexpected 'mystical' character. The magic of 'The Karate Kid' is that it has been fleshed out with a great detail and works on the level of drama as well as a family or action film. The mystical character, Mr. Miyagi, is haunted by his wife and baby, whom he lost during WWII. This really expands the role of mystical character and breaks the stereotype that goes with it.
As we see the weaknesses of Miyagi, the strength of his bond with Daniel, the karate kid, shines through. This bond is really what carries this movie. Another strength of this movie is in Daniel's actual training. At the time of the movie this was a shock and awe sequence because Daniel and the audience were led to believe that he was doing something completely different than Karate training. Many films have used blueprint since.
The score of Bill Conti takes the movie's climax one step above and the direction by John Avildsen gives the movie the same feel as 'Rocky'.
They Live (1988)
What's wrong baby?
This is the story of aliens that decide that capitalism works. They disguise themselves as humans and work under the philosophy 'the rich get richer and forget the poor.' All seems quite well until wrestler Roddy Piper, playing a man named Nada, comes along to kick some alien butt. Roddy's been snooping around the same area where people have been coming to realize how to demask the aliens. RAYBANS!!!!
Wearing the Raybans, Roddy Piper is able to see these aliens conversing with their human counterparts. This is way to disturbing for him, so it's time to go on a killing spree. Of course, Roddy needs a partner. His friend Keith David joins forces after getting beat down by Roddy (why wouldn't he just put on the glasses?) Speaking of aliens doesn't Meg Foster kind of remind you of one of the aliens from TV's 'V'? Fun movie in a bad sort of way.
AVP: Alien vs. Predator (2004)
Whoever Pays for this movie... LOSES
Many of the young fan base that wants to watch this sci-fi horror action comedy romance (OK I can't isolate a genre, but we can pretty much kick out romance,) haven't been around long enough to watch one of these good films in the theater. Heck even I was too young to watch one of the good 'Alien' or the only good 'Predator' in the theater. I did however get to see 'Alien 3' and 'Predator 2.' My reaction to that was the same as my reaction to this. I paid hard earned money to see this.
So after watching twenty minutes of character build up, we learn A) There's a survival type woman who will lead the expedition B) One of the members of the expedition has kids and is likely to call an alien or predator a 'bloke' in this yarn, and finally C) Lance Henrikson is likely not a robot sent back in time. We also find little to no reason to root for any character in this movie. In 'Predator,' 'Alien' and 'Aliens' we could identify each character with their personality. From "I aint got time to bleed" through to "Game over man. Game Over!" We had an assortment of fun characters to watch as chaos ensued in the past.
Characters, of course, die in this movie. Then a funny notion comes to mind. The enemy of the enemy has weapons of mass destruction. Can the humans become friends with this of the two species? The possibilities for making this a romance flick might be growing hahahahahahaha. Maybe a sequel can involve a Predator flipping through the Alien's little black book.
Six-String Samurai (1998)
Should have clipped my toe nails instead.
The problem with making a Tarantino-esque flick is that you have to have witty dialogue. Don't get me wrong, the dialogue in this is great (if you happen to like Eric Roberts movies.)
The story is about a Guy Pearce impersonator who travels to Lost Vegas to become an Elvis impersonator. Along the way he meets one of the children from 'Road Warrior.' The kid has fun grunting at him. Soon they meet some hoodlums that were cut out of Flinstones episodes for being too scary. These mencing cavemen throw gumballs at them and how can I argue with that. Whenever I buy a gumball at the mall, the flavor only lasts for half a minute. Instead of chewing, I often decide to throw gumballs at people to.
The antagonist of this story is Slash from Guns N Roses. Slash just wants to play metal and whenever he sees a simple rocker, he has to kill them. I guess Slash did too many drugs in the 80's and 90's.
This best sums up my review of the film: When I went to return my movie from the rental shop, the owner asked me to keep the video.
Teen Wolf (1985)
Let's Name our Daughter Boof
This is the challenging drama of a young teenage girl named Boof. Obviously no one likes her because of her name. She can't even win the affections of her friend Scotty until long after he turns into a werewolf. Oh yeah there is a werewolf in this. She can't even win a fat guy named Chubby. Poor girl. Lesson of this film: Don't ever name your daughter Boof.
If there is anyone out there named Boof, please let me know about your experiences. I want to hear of they were as bad as the poor character in this film. A sequel was made but, for some strange reason, Boof did not take part.
Space Raiders (1983)
I only paid $0.78 for this flick.
Somewhere out in space millions of robots are making coffee. This obsession with making coffee has left a spaceship unsupervised, which is where the 'Space Raiders' come in. Led by Hawk, a company vet who now turns to alcohol, the raiders steal a spaceship. Hopping along this spaceship is a little kid and a tiny insect. Will this bug infect other planets with disease? We don't know. Our focus is on the kid and the promise Hawk has made to him. Can Hawk bring the kid home? Saying nay are the robots who have made a death star type spaceship because, apparently, they have had too much coffee and are wired! Watch the excitement, live for the danger and by every means blasts them rocks!!!!
D.A.R.Y.L. (1985)
'A.I.' falls short to this
There are tons of Spielberg fans out there that remain loyal to him even after his long list of recent trash flicks. Amongst them was 'AI.' 'D.A.R.Y.L.' proves to be one of those movies that shows that the eighties might have actually had more thought process than today. In this do not trust the government movie, Barret Oliver plays a young boy who actually is a robot. The military, who couldn't figure out why they wanted little children robots in the first place, decide to scrap Daryl. Daryl. however, has been foster cared and has no memory of his past. While Barret Oliver's Daryl can't approach the level of success of Peter Billingsley in 'The Dirt Bike Kid.' He manages to play his role with a sympathy that Spielberg just can't get out of people who follow his storyboards. For all those who think that I just utterly hate Spielberg, I do rate 'A.I.' slightly ahead of the tv program 'Small Wonder. '
The Wizard (1989)
A disturbing average film
This is a decent video games meets the movie 'Rainman' flick. Fred Savage runs away with his autistic like brother off to California to play in a video game tournament. If you want to remember how cool it was to play Nintendo, watch this movie.
The fun parts of this movie was watching how dysfunctional the single father was. After witnessing this film I would never allow kids to return to a father like that. Another fun bit with this movie was with Fred's love interest. During the movie she accuses a character of being a child molestor to escape from her capture. That's some pretty odd slap stick.
Gleaming the Cube (1989)
A fun stupid film
This is the story of a young confused high school punk who loses his adopted Vietnamese brother to a couple of gun runners. What is he to do? Well he could figure out who these people are and when he's frustrated, he could just skateboard while he's pissed. To lighten things up, he could hit on his dead brothers girlfriend.
There are many famous skaters who lent their abilities to this film. This does rank above the break dancing movies ('Breakin'')and the evil dancing movies ('Footloose' and 'Dirty Dancing') of the eighties, but I don't think it comes close to bike movies ('Rad' and 'The Dirtbike Kid')
The Dirt Bike Kid (1985)
Beware of biker gangs on your front yard!!!
That is what a viewer of this movie could have to Stuart Pankin. This story of boy meets strange and possessed dirt bike has the makings of an AFI top one hundred film. This movie has taught me that dirt bikes with minds of their own are a natural thing. If some of these dirt bikes decide to terrorize greedy bankers along the way, throw them in jail! Don't forget, if your kid watches to much television, just cut the cord.
This movie is KWALITY (not to be confused with quality)with a capital K.
Electric Dreams (1984)
Don't upset your computer
This movie is rather funny and like some of the other viewers, the main song has stuck with me since the movie was first released. One point this movie tried to make is that there can never be enough montages. Without all the musical montages in this movie, the film would have lasted only thirty-minutes or so. Anyway, if your in the mood for a movie with a strange love triangle that doesn't involve questioning a characters sexuality, watch this.
The Order (2003)
Priest Wars I: The Catholic Menace
This is a very muddled movie about Heath Ledger who is a priest in a dying order. Maybe his order is dying because they believe in such strange stuff such as sin eaters and hanging around with love interests. Well Heath and the only other surviving member of his order, played by Mark Addy, go off to Rome where they search out to kill the sin eater.
Along the way they meet Peter Weller who is an aid to the pope. Peter Weller should have worn his Robocop gear for this movie, it might've made things amusing. As it is when questions need to be asked the priests go to a place where a secret society hangs people to answer these questions that they have.
This movie should've been named 'The Catholic Menace'. They should've followed it up by 'Attack of the Sin Eaters'. A fourth movie could be called 'A New Priest' followed by 'The Pope Strikes Back' and finally by 'Return to the Vatican.'
Meatballs (1979)
Should be Forgotten in Time
'Meatballs' is the typical hi-jinx comedy that would come out during the late seventies and early eighties. Bill Murray leads a whole bunch of unknowns as one of the camp leaders of North Star. Across the way is evil and rich Camp Mohawk. Most of the humor is innuendo with most of the cast being kids.
Bill Murray offers the only highlights in this one and can even be observed as cute when he helps a young boy suffering from low self esteem. Had even more forgettable sequels following it's release.
Le divorce (2003)
The movie that gives Matthew Modine a job!
This is the story of two American sisters in Paris. Roxy (Naomi Watts) is getting a divorce, while the other Isabel (Kate Hudson) becomes the mistress to a prominent politician. The movie is very slow paced. There are times when the only thing to look for is the scenery.
Glenn Close has a small role in this. As Olivia Pace, Close employs Isabel. She speaks French remarkably well in this flick. Matthew Modine ('And the Band Played on') also has a small yet critical role in this picture. It's nice to see him on the screen.
Ladies, if you are really upset with the guy that you're with, take him off to see this flick. You may not like it either, but imagine what he would be going through.
Just Married (2003)
Demi Moore should have played Ashton Kutcher's mom
This is a short sweet Lampoonesque type vacation story. Tom (Kutcher) and Sara (Murphy) are on honeymoon in Europe when they discover more about each other while facing problem after problem. This is cute, nothing more or less. The movie's short length is perfect as there is not much to be explored here.
Bad Karma (2001)
Giving B movies a bad name
Interested to see the demise of Patsy Kensit, I decided to pick this movie up from the video store. After dusting the video box (for some reason people are afraid to watch this,) I popped the movie in and was found myself disturbed for the next ninety minutes. This is so bad, I have a new respect for summer movies.
The story is about a mental patient who goes after her doctor while he's on vacation with his family. As she makes her way, she let's it be known that she likes to be seductive just before murdering the people around her. The reason she's going after her Doctor is because in their past lives he was Jack the Ripper and she was his mate. The movie's climax is at the beginning. A gas attendant peeps at a school girl (a school girl whose chest would make Michael Jackson's nose look natural) who is changing in his restroom. He then decides to kidnap her and tell her that she killed him in a past life. They almost have sex.
Have I said that I want my ninety minutes back?
Young Sherlock Holmes (1985)
Now playing on AMC...
'Young Sherlock Holmes' is a movie that tried to bring together all of Steven Spielburg's best ideas and blend it into a Sherlock Holmes story. While there is nothing particularly wrong with this flick, it falters when people realize which scenes belong to which Spielburg movie (could the time Watson and Sherlock flew over the clock tower be slightly reminiscent to 'ET'.) By the way, guess who is involved in the picture.
The movie can be entertaining to some and it even has a few scenes that all will enjoy. Check out a moment when Watson has an illusion that pastries are going to force feed him. Rookie cast does an adequate job in the flick and I am a fan of Freddie Jones. Overall this movie was average.
Krull (1983)
The force er... glaive is with you!
'Krull' is just another in a bunch of mediocre 80's fantasy flicks. Prince Colwyn must save his bride to be from some gigantic monster who has invaded the planet. Along the way he meets a mystical old man, Obi-Wan Kenobi, who shows him the power of the glaive. Did I say Obi-Wan? I meant Yner. Anyway, they meet a band of thieves and smugglers like Han Solo and Chewbacca. Did I say Han Solo and Chewbacca? I meant to say Liam Neeson and Robbie Coltrane (not much difference) and they storm the death star to save the princess. I might have gotten this story mixed up with some other film.
On a bright note, it does make for a few good laughs. Check out those nifty eighties special effects. And James Horner does his usual job of making you wonder which of his musical scores came first Star Trek II & III/ Aliens/ Cocoon/ Krull because they all are interspersed with each of these films.
Ravenous (1999)
Takes a bite out of the old west.
When Valentines Day comes around and I find myself tragically single for another year, I tend to pop this video in. 'Ravenous' is a wonderful adventure story about cannibalism in the old west. It's not meant to be taken seriously and the dark humor can either make this a very fun movie or excruciating one to watch. If you can deal with cannibalism with the old west then this is a must see!
The acting is superb. Imagine a cast headed by Guy Pearce ('Memento') and Robert Carlyle ('The Full Monty', 'Trainspotting'.) Add in the talents of Jeffrey Jones ('Beetlejuice' and many cheesy 80's flicks) and this is a perfect cast for a little dark film such as this. Guy Pearce plays the main character, a war hero, who is summoned away from the Mexican-American war because he is actually a chicken. The action sets course when Robert Carlyle shows up at the Fort the Guy Pearce is now stationed at. Robert talks the commander (Jeffrey Jones) into going to the mountains to find his old party. Robert also mentions a bit of malicious cannibalism. Be set for a fun ride.
While the story structure leaves some predictability, there are one or two surprises to keep the audience off full track. Even if it is predictable it's still a fun watch just because no one has dared to make something like this and managed to keep a decent realm of believability in it (there are a few 'whatever' scenes, but most action films go over the top with these.)
Last but not least is the music for the movie. It is so out there, so off track, so out of the norm, that it is wonderful. If I dared played this music in my car with my friends they would probably beat some sense into me, but it fits so wonderfully with the movie and it's mood. The music sets the movie and the movie is a treat for those who can stomach it.
The Full Monty (1997)
A film that inspired me (but no to strip!)
'The Full Monty' is a wonderful comedy about rock bottom and what we are willing to do to get out. Robert Carlyle ('Trainspotting' & 'Ravenous') stars as a bitter father who is unwilling to go to the bottom of the job circuit after the steel manufacturing plant has been shut down. Unfortunately he has a son he really loves and to keep seeing him, he needs to pay his child support. After passing a male stripper show, he has come up with an idea.
His best friend, played by the likeable Mark Addy, is supportive to an extent. Mark has lost all confidence because he feels unwanted. Part of this might be because he's unemployed, but most of it is due to his weight problems. This problem with his weight has also made him believe that he's not good enough for his wife.
Another character of mention is the one played by Tom Wilkinson ('In the Bedroom'.) Wilkinson was the foreman, and is a man of pride. This pride costs him dearly as well, since he is unable to tell his wife of his unemployment. Wilkinson is major for the plot to succeed because he's the one that can instruct how to dance. There are three other charming 'dancers' in this movie.
'The Full Monty' works on a gimmick that it promises to bare all. The story weaves itself to that point very well providing humor to the bleak world that this lot is in. One scene steps out as stellar and that is toward the end with Addy and his wife.
All in all, 'The Full Monty' is a wonderful watch for both sexes.
Titanic (1997)
Cameron throws fans for a loop.
'Titanic' was a complete turn from James Cameron. Already known as a great director with such films as 'Terminator', Terminator 2', 'Aliens', 'The Abyss', etc., Cameron strayed from the genre that he had done so well with and turned to romance. The problem is that, while 'Titanic' fared as a blockbuster, Cameron alienated his dear fans.
The movie features a story weaved well by Cameron, but the point left some disturbed. Dialogue wasn't good, but like George Lucas, Cameron can get away with that. Setting this story on the Titanic helps to manipulate the audience and turn some buff jocks into cry babies. Others, however, feel that the film was cheap and dirty, using a tragedy to create a story that wasn't at the heart of the true event. While I could see why some loved this film I can also realize the latter. Further movies using strong love themes to carry tragic historical films (such as 'Pearl Harbor') are now going under more scrutiny and disregard.
Overall this is a hit or miss movie. Cameron certainly knows how to grasp an audience, but many will view this flick as trash.
What's Eating Gilbert Grape (1993)
Leonardo's best film role.
'What's Eating Gilbert Grape' is one of the wonderful films that I like to watch once every two years. Johnny Depp is at his best when doing character oriented journeys and this one pits him as a young man struggling to enjoy life while being burdened by his family. The mother, I can't remember her name, was excellent as a obese mother who feared leaving her own home because of the ridicule.
While most of my friends view Juliette Lewis as a poor actress, I feel differently and use this movie as part of my rebuttal. The chemistry between her and Johnny Depp was wonderful. And speaking of another scorned actor... (cough, cough) Leo... He was even wonderful. It's truly sad the the only role where I found him convincing was one where he played a mentally challenged youth. If I offended anyone with this last comment you need not worry. I view every human being as truly exceptional, that is everyone except Leo.
Thumb Wars: The Phantom Cuticle (1999)
Thumbs down
This was easily the worst waste of money that I have ever spent. I have collected random 'Star Wars' spoofs over the years ('Hardware Wars' and 'Lucas in Love' being the best,) and this one definitely tops the worst.
SLIGHT SPOILER: Changing the sex of Darth Vader and making him Luke's mom isn't funny. Try something original. While we are at it, having sexual situations involving thumbs is traumatizing. END SPOILER.
The movie tried too hard for laughs simply because of the concept that the main characters are thumbs. It was funny on the cover, but some things can get old quick. Overall I cried, tried to chop off my thumbs and spent twenty bucks on a film I would rather burn than watch. Steve Oedekerk, please stop subjecting us to this trash.