This one's almost worth renting for the train-wreck value. I've watched it probably five times, and it gets unintentionally funnier with each viewing. From the botched editing to the repeated "shot in Full HD" commentary, to the repeated drive-bys of a stagecoach in Colorado (with the car antenna in the way each time), it doesn't get much funnier. It gets more interesting with the appearance of the husband, who looks like a Russian gangster straight out of central casting. We're taken on a bizarre two-day road trip with someone who claims to be a model, actress, director, singer and friends with people who were famous 30 years ago. I don't quite understand why this video was made and released, but I guess they did get $1.99 from me, so... But, no, don;t rent this 31-minute train wreck unless you're recovering from major surgery and heavily sedated and need a laugh.
Reviews
5 Reviews
The Black Knight Returns
(2009)
Worst micro budget of 2009
1 February 2015
Warning: Spoilers
Yes, all the one and two-star reviews nailed it. This is essentially a disaster from start to finish. The costumes look like something made in an afternoon out of Hefty bags (seriously, I think they used Hefty bags for capes) and bedsheets. The acting is the usual c-movie amateur hour stuff you'd expect to see during the first hour of the first class of a community college Drama 101 course - it's so bad, I have actually watched it three times in two days - like passing a car accident, you can't look away.
Also, keep a close eye on the old man... if you want a laugh, pay attention to how much he seems to be really, really hands-on with his nubile young protégée. lurking in his bedroom, creepily watching the young DK sleep... massaging him.... even some light S&M ("im going to teach you about endurance to pain" he says, having just knocked the young DK out and climbing on him, helpless on the floor)... kind of like a pervy old Alfred, from Batman.
Also, for the first time in any review I've ever written about a c-movie, I have to say this is easily the first instance in which the lack of a competent makeup artist actually broke the fourth wall (this movie and its heavy overuse of close-ups in most scenes came off more like a Clearasil commercial than anything else - the zit count in this video is almost a drinking game in itself - drink every time you see a zit in a close-up). The film actually did not have a makeup artist - only a special effects guy labeled "Makeup Department" (no, Im not kidding - check out IMDb). I think everyone in the film suffered some allergic, zit-inducing reaction to the script. Why they felt it necessary to include incest in the plot, I still cannot explain (no, not kidding there, either).
But, Im gonna try and offer some positives amidst the already well-covered and plentiful flaws of this video (sorry... I can't bring myself to call this a film). First, the music really was not half-bad (this being relative, of course) for such a nil-budget, weekend shoot - if you can ignore the fact that for about 50% of the video the music is so loud you can't hear the dialog. Second, they did try to make the most with nothing and I appreciate the effort. Third, a couple of the actors were not atrocious (the African-American computer guy, for example), though most were.
Far and away the best part of this project was (as is often the case) the DVD cover artwork.
Make no mistake: this is not a Batman movie - it's like Batman filmed by escaped mental patients.
Also, keep a close eye on the old man... if you want a laugh, pay attention to how much he seems to be really, really hands-on with his nubile young protégée. lurking in his bedroom, creepily watching the young DK sleep... massaging him.... even some light S&M ("im going to teach you about endurance to pain" he says, having just knocked the young DK out and climbing on him, helpless on the floor)... kind of like a pervy old Alfred, from Batman.
Also, for the first time in any review I've ever written about a c-movie, I have to say this is easily the first instance in which the lack of a competent makeup artist actually broke the fourth wall (this movie and its heavy overuse of close-ups in most scenes came off more like a Clearasil commercial than anything else - the zit count in this video is almost a drinking game in itself - drink every time you see a zit in a close-up). The film actually did not have a makeup artist - only a special effects guy labeled "Makeup Department" (no, Im not kidding - check out IMDb). I think everyone in the film suffered some allergic, zit-inducing reaction to the script. Why they felt it necessary to include incest in the plot, I still cannot explain (no, not kidding there, either).
But, Im gonna try and offer some positives amidst the already well-covered and plentiful flaws of this video (sorry... I can't bring myself to call this a film). First, the music really was not half-bad (this being relative, of course) for such a nil-budget, weekend shoot - if you can ignore the fact that for about 50% of the video the music is so loud you can't hear the dialog. Second, they did try to make the most with nothing and I appreciate the effort. Third, a couple of the actors were not atrocious (the African-American computer guy, for example), though most were.
Far and away the best part of this project was (as is often the case) the DVD cover artwork.
Make no mistake: this is not a Batman movie - it's like Batman filmed by escaped mental patients.
Daylight
(I) (2013)
Utter disaster of a c-movie micro-budget video.
10 December 2014
"Daylight" is another tedious entry in the micro-budget, c-horror "found footage" sub-genre. I happen to really enjoy these kinds of films and have viewed and reviewed many dozens of them over the last couple of years. This one is, unfortunately pretty typical of majority of these weekend-shoot videos. The acting is what you'd expect from a community college drama course and is often distractingly worse (the kind of acting that makes it seem like they are reading from the script for the first time). This makes it difficult to watch this one all the way through (esp as it just seemed to drone on and on...), but I think to review a film, you need to watch it all the way, just to be fair. Anyway, there were ZERO SCARES (in fact, nothing even remotely interesting in that regard - it was almost like a very long, very bland documentary instead of a horror film), and the plot was the standard dull fare for a supernatural/"demonic" storyline. I think the writers and directors intended some kind of psychological component but couldn't quite decide what kind of film they wanted to make. There's no mystery to the story, no intellectual subtext - it's just a haphazard effort that lacked cohesion and any kind of suspense- building on any level, ultimately. So, unfortunately, I wasted $5 on this rental (which is actually a pretty high price of admission when compared to most other films in this sub-genre on Amazon Instant) - which is a lot to throw away on a rental. Hopefully, this review will save you some money and time, as I definitely can't recommend this one. Really the only positives for this one are the use of quite good editing software (if heavily overused, esp with regard to the usual "found footage" camera flutters and video distortion) and graphics, high quality HD cameras, they did provide at least a full-length movie (though again that was a plus and a minus), the lack of tedious background music (so common to these kinds of films) and some kinda cool DVD cover artwork, which actually sold me on renting this clunker. I just want to save the viewing public from wasting their money, despite the phony reviews posted by family and friends of the filmmakers eager to earn some of their investment back.
The Expedition
(2008 Video)
Revoke the credentials of the director, writer, and actors and ban them from owning a camera - even a cellphone
24 October 2014
Here's the bottom line up front: an endless walking tour of a large abandoned building, in daylight, with NO scares (and I literally mean NONE, as in, not a single one), and a guy who alternates between yelling "Tom!" and "F*ck(ing)..." all backed by the most tedious, repetitive background piano music you have EVER HEARD. It's as if some twenty- somethings with a video camera just decided to walk through an old building, talk a few times, and just videotape their walk through.
I honestly don't know what else to say other than the movie is one of the few that actually seems to go out of its way to provide an example of how NOT to make a movie. It seems to want to commit film suicide and take the cast and crew with it. I'd be shocked if the writer ever worked again. That he couldn't write a script and instead needed to drop F-bombs to make up for his lack of talent is really staggering. There should be a drinking game to accompany any viewing of this - one drink for every f- bomb. But beware - you'll be legally intoxicated in the first 10 minutes. And in a coma in 15.
Seriously. That's the whole movie.
RENT OR BUY AT YOUR OWN RISK. You have been warned. I hope this helps!
I honestly don't know what else to say other than the movie is one of the few that actually seems to go out of its way to provide an example of how NOT to make a movie. It seems to want to commit film suicide and take the cast and crew with it. I'd be shocked if the writer ever worked again. That he couldn't write a script and instead needed to drop F-bombs to make up for his lack of talent is really staggering. There should be a drinking game to accompany any viewing of this - one drink for every f- bomb. But beware - you'll be legally intoxicated in the first 10 minutes. And in a coma in 15.
Seriously. That's the whole movie.
RENT OR BUY AT YOUR OWN RISK. You have been warned. I hope this helps!
The Objective
(2008)
Slightly better than average - good authenticity
16 August 2008
Warning: Spoilers
They had a good special ops military adviser for this one. Authenticity is much better than most B-movies. The actors on the SF A-Team were equipped with realistic gear and weapons. So, kudos to whoever the adviser was. Hopefully he will get hired on to consult on other films so that we are not subjected to the abysmal attempts to dress up actors as soldiers. It never ceases to amaze me the money that some directors and producers will spend on a film, only to gloss poorly over the basic military elements. The only element they misses was in painting the weapons in desert camouflage scheme. No A-Team would deploy without painting their weapons. Just doesn't happen.
The photography is good, as well, with none of the Blair Witch shaky cam video shots that are so prevalent in low budget horror these days. Good, too, are the sets and locations. Bonus points to the site locater/scout.
On the downside, one thing that was difficult to get past was the director's choice of the guy playing the lead character (Ben). In the video he (Ben) sounds like he is maybe 20 years old. So when he states, in the opening voice-over, that he'd been in Afghanistan 10 years earlier as an operative (which wouldn't even take into account college, or a prior military career, and his training time in CIA before being allowed into the field), this really strains credulity and makes it very difficult to suspend disbelief. They should have chosen a more seasoned actor, older, with a deeper and more mature voice. The actor playing Ben was simply miscast.
All in all this is a solid b-movie, of cable TV's SciFi Channel quality, that is worth watching once if you're just chillin and relaxing on a lazy weekend afternoon, or on a rainy day. I'd recommend it as perfect for those kinds of days.
The photography is good, as well, with none of the Blair Witch shaky cam video shots that are so prevalent in low budget horror these days. Good, too, are the sets and locations. Bonus points to the site locater/scout.
On the downside, one thing that was difficult to get past was the director's choice of the guy playing the lead character (Ben). In the video he (Ben) sounds like he is maybe 20 years old. So when he states, in the opening voice-over, that he'd been in Afghanistan 10 years earlier as an operative (which wouldn't even take into account college, or a prior military career, and his training time in CIA before being allowed into the field), this really strains credulity and makes it very difficult to suspend disbelief. They should have chosen a more seasoned actor, older, with a deeper and more mature voice. The actor playing Ben was simply miscast.
All in all this is a solid b-movie, of cable TV's SciFi Channel quality, that is worth watching once if you're just chillin and relaxing on a lazy weekend afternoon, or on a rainy day. I'd recommend it as perfect for those kinds of days.
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