Bunch us nine year olds saw 'Caltiki the Immortal Monster', late winter, 1964, scared us to death. Leave it to the Italians, them guys brought us DaVinci, Michaelangelo and the founders of Criminology and stlawart supporters of citizen firearms freedoms, Cesare Becaria and Cesare Lombroso, to scare us to death with this horrific gem.
You think I'm kidding? I'm not. Caltiki left me, my friend Cappy, now referred to as 'La Buonanima Billy', our pal Fort and the rest us all bad nervous back there, '64. The following summer of '64, another lifeflong friend, Judge Stephen, said that Caltiki scared him real good. That following autumn, new classmate, Reg, today revered as Maximo Aviator, expressed his portentious impressions of this masterpiece.
You think after seeing Caltiki on the Zenith Space Command Black & White TV, we'd go down cellar? No way. What? You nuts, something? Not on a dare, for fear big, fat, radioactive blob-ola, Signore Caltiki, was down there, the root cellar or maybe even the coal bin, just waiting for us to come down so it could inhale us and spit out our skulls, while it killed time by shuffling around and stuffing its pie-hole with Grandma's pickles - or maybe just Grandma herself. Had Caltiki no deceny? No. None whatsoever.
You remember that scene where Caltiki billows all over the room behind one them French door things? Whenever our parents would visit friends whose homes had them French door things, you think we weren't on edge, all sweaty, twitching? You bet we were. Wouldn't go near no French doors, ever, for fear La Caltikalazoni lurked hungrily behind it, just itching to grab us for a snack.
How about them eerie sound effects you hear whenever El Caltiki Grosso Romano went active and worked itself into a lather? At night, drifting off to sleep? We'd swear we could hear old Don Calteech and we'd jolt awake, listening intensely and in terror for any indication he might be downstairs, slurping water out the Guests' Toilet, figuring a way to come up and git us. Too vulgar to be believed.
No, you gotta see this guy here, Caltiki, you really gotta. Scared the living tar out us then as does it still today.
Caltiki the Immortal Monster is as well, a blatant and perfect Cold War period piece, a parable in which Caltiki represents the covetous, vengeful, all-devouring Monster known as World Communism, one which will be done away with at Armageddon. Do you take comfort in that thought? Me to. Most my buddies do too.
But that is another lecture in and of itself and for another time, yes?
See Caltiki. Make Don Calteech part of your Film Library. Sit up late at night, open the windows, gaze skyward, and wait for Osaluway or whatever was the name the comet them actors said would 'come in the night sky' and cause Caltiki to grow fatter than does my stomach after polishing off dinner aboard a cruise ship by slurping down coupla/three deserts. T
Now that is a terrifying sight indeed, is it not?
Paul Vincent Zecchino
Auteur Maximo
Manasota Key, Florida
23 February, 2011
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