Reviews

...you were right the first time!

The title character (Tippi Hedren), a mysterious but frigid woman, makes a living my applying for secretary jobs at various companies, then robbing her employers blind and skipping town. When her current boss catches her in the act he blackmails her into marrying him, where he finds himself intrigued by her dark and bewildering past. Though Hitchcock's direction is as polished and imaginative as ever, the technique frills fail to hide the horrendous script and eye-rolling plot holes.Critically panned at the time of it's release, it has since gone on to be praised as a classic. Again, the critics were right the first time.

Seagal's misguided attempt at blending a heavy-handed environmental message and Native-American spiritualism with action movie conventions is actually quite a bit of fun if you're in the right mood. This time Steven is an environmental agent (and aikido expert, naturally) who battles an evil oil corporation for the preservation of Alaska. Of course, he blows up half of it in the process, but it's the thought that counts, right? Due to poor box-office, this is the first and, so far, only picture that Steven Seagal has ever directed, but the movie is more enjoyable (albeit, in a cheesy way) than it's reputation would suggest. Also, the action scenes are actually well shot and choreographed which is more than you can say for most current Seagal movies.

A man gets a ride from a truck driver when is car beaks down in the middle of a canyon. The truck driver seems friendly at first, but before long, he's tied the man to a chair, hacking off his limbs one by one, that is, after destroying everything else in his life first. Apparently, he had wronged the truck driver years before and the driver won't stop until he can recall what he did. Mostly unstressful black-comedy/horror hybrid, as the plite of the unsympathetic protagonist fails to generate any tension and 'trying-too-hard-to-seem-clever' script boasts only a few laughs. That being said, it's still better than 'Hard Candy.'

A down-trodden, 98-pound janitor at heath club falls into a barrel of toxic waste and becomes a "hideously deformed creature of superhuman size and strength." He cleans up the city by tearing apart evil- doers in a variety of creatively gruesome ways and also finds the time to help old ladies cross the street and open stubborn jars of popcorn. He even finds himself in a steady relationship with his new blind girlfriend. Unfortunately, the corrupt mayor will have none of it and he orders the demise of the monster hero (easier said than done). This spoof of superhero films and creature-features is excessively violent, vulgar and gory; it is also hysterically funny, subversive and original. This became such a hit for the Indie film-studio, Troma that it spawned three sequels (with a fourth one on the way), a Saturday morning kid's show titled 'Toxic Crusaders' (no joke) and a novelization of the original movie written by Troma-president, Lloyd Kaufman. An edited R rated version is also available.

After Toxie; the infamous monster-hero of Tromaville, journey's to Japan after having gotten word that his long-lost father is living there. He makes new friends, whips out new enemy's and ends up being the butt of a few 'fish-out-of-water' gags. Little does he know that he was fed misinformation so that an evil cooperation named 'Apocalypse Inc.' can take over Tromaville in his absence. The satire lack much of the caustic bite found in the first film, but it's still a funny, campy and, yes, often gory ride through the demented minds of the Troma team. Filmed on location in Japan where many of the Japanese actor's voices were dubbed by Michael Herz, Lloyd Kaufman and his wife Pam. Available in R-rated and unrated versions.

Uninteresting remake of Tobe Hooper's chilling classic features slicker camera-work, bigger production values and a lot more gore, but features only a little of the dark humor and tension of the original. In fact, even the chase-scenes and tedious. Listen carefully, Michael Bay; louder and gorier does not equal scarier. inexplicably, this became a success and it was followed by a prequel titled,'The Texas chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning' which I have not seen (and this remake doesn't make me very eager to). Also inexplicable is the fact that many seem to prefer this version! AAAGGRRHHH!!!! Seriouly folks, stick with the original.

End of review.

After being forced to sing show-tunes, Alice Cooper and his band wreck an entire Hollywood movie set and drive off to their concert. Along the way they are pursued by the always angry German director and, for some reason, a viking. At some point they even enlist the help of a Lone Ranger-variant who's mask keeps falling off. The campy, Keystone-style chases are great fun for those with a goof-ball sense of humor but the real highlight is the live concert footage (filmed during the infamous 'Billion Dollar Babies' tour), in which Alice sings some of this best loved songs and delights his audience by doing some delightful things. Irreverent, gross, funny, tasteless and always entertaining. Lost since it's theatrical release, this didn't land on video until '05.

A group of young people encounter a cannibalistic family with a penchant for torture and sadism while on a otherwise pleasant afternoon drive through the rural part of Texas. The terror continues well into the night and if anyone survives, it will only be at the expense of their own sanity. Manages to shock and horrify with very little gore and lots of subtle pitch-black humor, much of which is disturbingly funny (though much of the humor may take multiple viewings to catch). Still praised by many as Hooper's best effort. Followed by three sequels and an inferior remake. (Skip the remake; watch the original)***1/2 stars out of four.

Sportswoman, Juno (Medoza) tries to reunite with her estranged friend Sara (Macdonald) after a tragic accident. She forms a spelunking expedition with four other friends and all seems well until they get lost in a cave without supply and a race of blood-thirsty monsters hungering for their flesh. Naturally, this does not help Sara's mental-state and she 'descends' deeper into insanity and self-delusion. Overwhelming intensity grabs the viewer by the throat and doesn't let go for a second. This one will stick with you long after the credits have ended. The R-rated version cuts a minute out of the climax causing it to lose some of it's power. The unrated version is recommended.

While covering the arrival of a Hollywood actress in Rome, a renowned gossip-columnist (Mastroianni) grows weary of his glamorous yet shallow lifestyle. This film follows him through the course of a single week as he struggles to find some meaning buried beneath an avalanche of elaborate, but vapid parties and empty sex. One of Fellini's most acclaimed films and for a good reason; it's a hard hitting tragic-comic satire that runs for three hours yet is devoid of tedium. It also introduced the term "Paparazzi" to the Italian/English language. Trivia: Pier Paolo Passolini worked as an uncredited co-writer!

Enjoy!

A near actionless knock-off of 'Die Hard' in which intelligence analyst (Russell) and commando (Seagal) must sneak on board a high-jacked airliner to prevent the terrorists from detonating a bomb over Washington D.C. Meanwhile, the President is wondering whether or not he should avoid the risk altogether by having the plain shot down, civilians and all. It sounds exiting but it's really very uneventful. Apparenly, (spolier) Seagal's character was killed-off early because he was being a jerk on-set and everyone was tired of working with him. I guess you could call that an 'executive decision' on the part of the producer.

The plot is for a pretty basic action-martial arts flick, but the movie ends up being a little below average, I will attempt to explain why. First the plot: A bounty hunter has to help a martial arts instructor (and former friend) find his sister who has been captured by heavily armed thugs, dressed as members of a S.W.A.T Team. This movie features several failed attempts at humor, but its only ever funny when it doesn't mean to be; as one reviewer has already mentioned, there is a scene where the heroes are being followed while in a taxi so they tear off the taxi sign, hoping to throw off the bad guys; what the other viewer didn't mention was that they do it right in front of the car they're trying to lose! There are also lines of dialog such as (slightly paraphrased) "Are my eyes open? I can't believe what I'm hearing." I'm surprised that know one has mentioned the fact that this is a martial arts movie, as the fight scenes are probably the only thing that makes this film tolerable; not that the're the best fights ever filmed, but the're just entertaining enough to keep you watching all the way through. OK, lets see; is there anything else that I would like to add? Nope, I guess not. Goodbye now.

...it would probably look a lot like this; because like Monty Pythion, this movie deliberately goes out of its way to be as ridicules as possible. The story involves a high school baseball team, who's opponents happen to be a vicious gang of superhuman, green-faced monsters; the monster team enjoys horribly mutilating the players on the opposing team (sorry to disappoint you sports fans, but there is very little baseball is actually played). Anyhow, the high school's last hope is to try and recruit a new student with incredibly powerful baseball skills; unfortunately he has vowed never to play baseball again, after one of his pitches ends up killing his father; are you following this so far? There's a bit more to the story then that, but its not that important, sense the whole movie is really just an excuse to show us some of the most insane gags ever brought to the screen. Recommended for those with a abnormal sense of humor.

This is probably the only action movie in history, where the bad guys will shoot at the hero, who's standing right out in the open; miss every time, and it actually makes sense. This is also, the best Philippino, midget, spy-spoof ever made. It's loaded with non-stop action, funny slapstick, and some of the campiest dialog ever written; lines like: "His making a monkey out of the forces of evil!" and, "So, thats how you control your little Wang," are guaranteed to have you laughing hysterically (unless of course you happen to be a humorless beast, without a soul). The concept for this film is also strangely believable; midgets really would make the best spy's, think about it; they can easily hide in smallest, most uncomfortable places, they are very difficult to shoot, and when it comes to hand-to-hand-combat, they have no difficulty attacking vulnerable targets, such as the knees, and groin. Weng Weng (the star of this movie) is a great comedic actor and martial artist. It's really a shame he didn't get many more staring rolls; the good news is that he does star in the sequel; "The Impossible Kid Of Kung Fu!"

This movie is basically one long joke, with plenty of gags in the middle, to help keep it interesting until the punchline. This is the first Russ Meyer movie i ever saw, and while it may not be as good as some of his others (Up!, Beneath The Vally Of The Ultra-Vixens), it is still a classic in it's own right. Lots of light humor, and camp value. Recommended. I would end the review here, except IMDb won't post this unless i have written at least ten lines, so the following is just filler: I sleep on a mattress, sometimes i dress up as a mattress, and wave to cars on the sidewalk, i would like to see Chris Kentis taken out to the middle of the ocean, and left there. I think thats about ten lines, so i'll stop here.

For those of you do not know what "bruceplotaion" is; it's a type of movie sub-genre, that exists for the soul purpose, of cashing in on Bruce Lee's death; its pretty tasteless when you get right down to it, but at least they have lots of hard-hitting, fast-paced Kung Fu action, to keep them entertaining, at least they're supposed to. The problem with this feature, is that it spends way too much time on it's generic plot (good Chinese vs. evil Japanese), and characters we don't care about, with some really lame comic-relief, thrown in to make it more tedious. This is not to say that there is no good action in this movie, as the second-half contains some good pretty good fighting, but Kung Fu fans have seen far better.

I got this flick on a double-bill along with, "Chinese Kung Fu Against Godfather;" both movies are on the same disk (one movie on each side), and both movies have the same problem; every so often, and without warning, the disk will just skip ahead to another scene, forcing me to rewined back to see what i missed. This made watching the movie, a rather frustrating ordeal. As for the movie itself: It's not bad, it basically consists of Dragon Lee, and Pheniox Kim Kung Fuing as many people as possible until the end of the movie's duration. It has everything you would expect from a stereotypical Kung Fu flick; bad dubbing, great fights, lame plot, hilarious sound effects, and a generous dose of campy humor. I can't think of much more to say so i'll just end the review here.

this movie is bad enough to make Richard Kern reach for an air- sickness bag. The plot involves a ruthless hit-man (Sonny Chiba), who is imprisoned for killing, a seemingly well protected mob-boss; after escaping with the help of his equally ruthless girlfriend (Brigitte Nielsen), he finds out that he was setup, by some F.B.I agents, or something (i don't remember the plot to well, as i spent the next two weeks, trying erase this film from my mind). Aperintlly, the agents where having a hard time catching this particular mob-boss, so their goal was to hire the hit-man to kill him off, and then have the hit- man arrested for his murder, thus successfully covering their tracks; or so they think. Needless to say (but i'm going to say it anyway), both the hit-man, and his girlfriend go on a rampage of revenge. Sounds like a good idea for a "Street Fighter" movie, doesn't it? I'll bet you think this will lead to lots of highly intense, bone-crushing, eye- gouging, groin-ripping head-bashing, Chiba-action, don't you? Well, you would be wrong pal; this is not "The Street Fighter," this is "Body Count," your lucky if you can find, a bit of almost halfway decent camp-value; and who's bright idea was it to have Sonny Chiba loose in the end? Cinema rule no.1 is; CHIBA NEVER LOSSES!!!! He doesn't even lose to anyone worth losing to, the "heros" of this movie are couple of big, dumb Neanderthals, who use a fighting style, that one of them refers to as "boxing," but witch really looks more like "slugging;" they preform this style by swinging their fists wildly at the target, making the strikes as slow, clumsy, and as easy to dodge as possible; which Chiba does, until the very end, when the script told him not to. In all fairness there are some good action sense, but they are too few, and far between. If you are a Sonny Chiba fan, then stick to something more like, 'Shugun's Samurai', or 'The Executioner'. Shelve this one with, 'The Bodygaurd,' and try your best to forget that it exists.