Reviews

Lesbian vampires are not entirely high-concept as later Hammer flicks will testify but Claydon's limp offering pales in comparison to the outstandingly bad 'Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter' which has the Saviour tag-teaming with masked Mexican wrestling legend El Santo. There's some loosely woven plot threads about vampire women who can fight in broad daylight and harvest lesbian skin but it falls apart after the opening shot of the Messiah shrugging off a blow to the chest and yelling 'Body of Christ!'. None of which has anything to do with the wasteful ninety minutes I'm supposed to be reviewing but let's be honest, LVK has nothing going for it. Low budget British film-making is consistently a bad joke but a good director and cast can work wonders even on zero budget – take a look at Brad Watson's 'Asylum Night' which is everything LVKs makers were probably hoping it would be.

I'm trying to pinpoint which element is missing from this film and why it falls flat on almost every level. The sorriest part is that the cast, while exceptional actors in their own right are given a lumbering, dull script that feels the need to show and tell the audience in no uncertain terms that the creepy little kid is the Antichrist. Moore believes that filming everything in grey, lightless atmosphere will generate tension (as well as disguise the fact it's almost entirely shot in the Czech Republic no matter how many London taxis you add) and relies purely on cheap tricks to generate any tension, the cinematic equivalent of the web pages where you turn the volume high and stare at a web page for ten minutes before Linda Blair pops up.

The film is worthy but dull; I don't dare compare it to the original which still terrifies even today. At one point I even found myself feeling sorry for this kid, seeing him as a misunderstood Harry Potter. Having two of the best cast members from that series doesn't serve to dispel the image either. As usual the British contingent is excellent, and Beltrami's score helps the otherwise lifeless film move along. While no Goldsmith, he's quite adept at stealing bits from other good films; the drive to the cemetery is almost identical to the opening score of Batman Begins and had me sorely wishing for an appearance of the Batmobile to take on the servitors of evil. Which in Donner's film could have been hidden anywhere but in this film amount to a pair of hungry dogs and a scrawny housekeeper with bad teeth.

Mercifully the cinema I saw this in sells DVDs in the lobby so I bagged the original and settled in for a night of true horror. Personally I would have paid the same money for a sharpened re-release of the original and judging by frequent glances at watches during the film, the majority of the audience would agree with me.

For some reason cartoons made by Ruby Spears haven't done well outside of the 80s, mainly because they were truly a product of their time: fast and disposable fun for kids and young teenagers. Look at the line-up: Mr.T, Heathcliff, Rambo and Thundarr the Barbarian to name a few. None of these have survived outside the 80s and with good reason – they're not much better than the 15 second cartoons used to sell toys that were so popular back then. Centurions is basically that – a glorified ad for the toy line aimed squarely at boys under 16. Given to Sunbow or Lou Scheimer this would have done well but in the hands of Ruby Spears it's become something embarrassing after all these years.

Take He-Man, Transformers or G.I.Joe: what makes those cartoons so enjoyable after all these years is the time they took to distinguish the characters. Despite some huge casts they all managed to find a distinct, recognisable trait and voice for every star of the show. The late great Christopher Latta is instantly recognisable as Cobra Commander or Starscream and Alan Oppenheimer's Skeletor has the most marvellous villain's voice in cartoon history.

No-one ever took that kind of care with the Centurions. You'd imagine it would be easy to give the 3 leads some personality but they remain bland and lifeless, distinguished only by the colour of their suits. Every week their ineffective nemesis Doc Terror would hijack/brainwash/terrorise some research facility or city for some rare metal or source of energy and the Centurions would beam in, select an outfit and blast him back to Dominion. What made me laugh was that there was always a river or lake nearby for Max Ray to use his 'sea-weapons'. If you've seen the episode of the Simpsons where Bart dismisses 'Kinght Boat' you'll get the joke.

Time hasn't been kind to this show. I loved it as a kid because it worked as an ad for toys I wanted. I watch it now (I have all 65 episodes on VHS) after 20 years and I wind up fast-forwarding most of the episodes. For the sake of your childhood memories, don't try to watch this now as you'll find yourself floundering badly, wondering what on earth you saw in this show. Remember it as it was, part of that wild, glorious decade and leave it there.

'I'm Gonna Git You Sucka' is an affectionate if not particularly literate send-up of the blaxploitation genre that misses more often than it hits but like any underdog, you can't help rooting for it. The first full length film directed by Keenan Ivory Wayans, 'Sucka' is the classic set-piece of a returning war veteran avenging the death of his brother by taking on the mob and with his group of hardened 70's crime fighters, reclaim the streets from Mr. Big.

The film itself is competent enough though a little thin on visual jokes and slapstick preferring longer skits which more often than not fizzle out simply because they run on for too long. For a first-time helmer this is understandable as you go with what you know, and as Wayans was more comfortable with stand-up and TV 'Sucka' wasn't able to develop into a coherently funny movie the way 'Scary Movie' would be some 12 years later.

What makes it stand up is the sheer lunacy of some of the set-pieces, and the cast which would make any blaxploitation picture salute with pride. Alongside Wayans you have blaxploitation legends Bernie Casey spoofing Shaft, Isaac Hayes and Jim Brown reprising their roles as 'Truck Turner' and 'Slaughter' and some deliciously funny cameos from Clarence Williams III, John Vernon Antonio Fargas and a young Chris Rock. The picture though belongs to the late and sorely-missed Steve James in a delirious send-up of his own career as martial-arts sidekick. Despite being a better actor than most of his co-stars James would forever languish on the B-list and would die just five years after this movie was made. He steals every scene he's in though, and if you need to bow out to 'Kung Fu Fighting' it's as good as any a way to go.

The film has a few good running jokes such as the mother's stunt double and the Shaft score running in the background and at a trim 88 minutes doesn't stay too long to put you off it. In the end it succeeds despite being nothing more than a loose collection of sketches held together by some very funny and very talented actors. It's worth watching just for the exchange between Hayes and Rock where the latter tries to buy some food (note: watch the end credits of Rocks' CB4 and you'll see this repeated at a newsstand) and the Pimp of the Year sequence, complete with Fargas wandering into the ghetto in full 70's pimp outfit mistakenly believing he's the smoothest thing out there. It's easy enough to like this film: rent it, enjoy it and hope someone comes up with a sequel soon.

Riding on the international success of Ong Bak as a sort of quasi-sequel, Born to Fight works on the simple principle that it's easier to teach fighters to act than actors to fight. It was this that prompted me to watch it without subtitles, not speaking a word of Thai. Bear that in mind when I attempt to explain the plot. Not that the film requires any for if you've seen 'Air Force One' or 'The Rock' you'll have seen this movie before.

Following the daring kidnap of a rebel leader in which his partner heroically dies, our hero seeks solace in a small village. There will be no peace for him for the rebels storm the village, gun down countless children and brutally execute the police officer there before demanding the government release their leader. And in the midst of this, our hero finds himself out gunned and outnumbered, and all that stands between the villagers and certain death.

The hero now wanders the village alone despatching a few guerrillas before being captured: strictly formula stuff. What makes 'Born to Fight' different from American movies is that when the inevitable fight is taken to the villains, it's not just the hero who takes on the terrorists: it's the entire village who take them on. And this is the film's real muscle: athletes and martial artists all showcasing their arcane talents in a fightback that lasts almost half the length of the film.

The low budget means that this isn't a CGI fest of Michael Bay proportions but more in the vein of the gutsy Golan & Globus thrillers of the 80's. Low on money but laden with good and often ingenious stunts 'Born to Fight' is the direct descendant of movies like 'The Delta Force'. It's got limited budget, lots of guns, knives and cheap wooden huts to be destroyed. In fact, at times it's more like playing 'Far Cry' than watching a movie, with pistols, shotguns and machetes used in turn to despatch the red-scarved rebels while the suitably repetitive soundtrack hammers away.

'Born to Fight' is a film out of time, some twenty years too late for the cinema but by no means a bad film, and a welcome one on DVD if you need to kill an hour. You genuinely won't need subtitles for this movie, just a remote control to fast-forward the few dialogue scenes. If you're in the market for more eye-watering stunts I'd strongly go for Ong Bak instead.

I first saw Starchaser in 3D back in 1985 and for someone who grew up on the Star Wars trilogy I was hooked for life. A beautiful, heady mix of science-fiction, fantasy and all out action laced with humour, a little violence and excellent set-pieces Starchaser is lovingly assembled from the finest sources and has more love for it's source than the three prequels helmed by Lucas have shown. The story is straightforward: thousands of slaves mine crystals for robot overseers believing this to be the will of their God, Zygon. A young slave named Orin (superbly voiced by Joe Colligan) finds a glowing sword hilt buried in the mines that tells him of the forbidden world above and in an attempt to break free is taken under wing of surly smuggler Dagg Dibrimi.

Taking it's influence from Star Wars, whispering it's name with reverent pride, layering it with images and influences as diverse as Moebius, the cartoons of René Laloux and Ralph Bakshi's Wizards it's hard not to like this movie. It's well-animated, beautifully shot and surprisingly well written which is all the more remarkable given that it's an animated feature.

In almost any combination this would have been a lacklustre, disappointing affair along the lines of Titan A.E but under the direction of Steven Hahn it's becomes something much more special. Look at the credits and you'll see cast and crew steeped in sci-fi: Stargate: SG1's Carmen Argenziano as Dagg Dibrimi, Han Solo with the attitude of J.Jonah Jameson; Masters of the Universe star Anthony DeLongis' providing the silver-tongued menace of Zygon in the vein of an early Vincent Price are the two voice highlights among a near perfect cast. More sci-fi stars are found in the background, ranging from the voice stars of Transformers and DS9 to story-boarder Boyd Kirkland, who would later go onto direct Batman: The Animated Series' greatest episode 'The Grey Ghost'. Even after 20 years Belling's music holds up remarkably well, as much an integral character of the film as Les Tremayne's marvellously cowardly ship's computer. It kicks in at all the right places, has good strong recognisable themes for the main stars and above all doesn't overpower the movie or sound like one of John William's increasingly derivative scores. And unlike many animated features it doesn't feel the need to bolster the score with some contemporary rock or pop tracks, preferring a well-crafted mix of orchestral and synthesized soundtrack.

Watched 20 years on it's still as enjoyable. It doesn't run on for too long, still has that pleasing if eccentric aesthetic style prevalent throughout the film and above all is fun. It has a story to tell, does it with style and above all manages to make you care for the characters which is a rare enough thing in a live-action movie, and for an 80's animated feature something very much to be proud of.

Starchaser hasn't been commercially available for years aside from a VHS release some 15 or 16 years back but it has a strong and loyal fan base who'll welcome the fact it's finally been released my MGM on DVD. As an animated feature it still has a certain charm two decades on even without the 3D but where it really holds it's own is it's love for Star Wars. Anybody who felt disappointed by the three prequels and prefers the honest, simple storytelling style of the original will enjoy Starchaser.

Lee Tamahori is something of an enigma. On the strength of one good movie he's managed to convince Hollywood to part with good money after bad to make even more stupid movies, reaching a nadir in the wretched 'Die Another Day'. While he's yet to manage Uwe Boll's neat trick of making every single movie both stupid and offensive he's coming along nicely. Typically each Tamahori movie starts off strong and falters some ten minutes after curtains-up. The prospect of him teaming up Revolution studios will be welcomed by anybody who believes Paul Walker is an action star but surprisingly he's managed to make to make something very rare in Hollywood: an honest film.

True, it's predictable to a maddening degree: not only can you work out that Dafoe will be sitting in the chair waiting for Jackson to turn up but to an extent you can mouth some of the dialogue along with him.

None of this should stop you from watching xXx: State of the Union however as it's incredibly entertaining. It promises mindless stunts and unlike it's peers (Torque, xXx et al) it's well filmed, full of surprisingly good moments and with more muscular, visceral energy than it's predecessor. In a way it's very much in the vein of Golan & Globus in the mid 80's along the lines of the equally stupid but entertaining American Ninja, although it has a genuinely likable star in the lead role: Ice Cube. Cube is a marvellous actor I have plenty of time for; capable of knowing when to take thing seriously and when to keep his tongue firmly in his cheek and in here he's on top form. Unlike Diesel in the original xXx, Cube looks very much capable of physical harm, has some marvellous facial expressions and above all the sense of mischievous humour needed to carry such a lightweight movie.

You'll enjoy xXx: State of the Union. It's clumsy, stupid and poorly written but in it's three leading roles and honesty it has a certain charm. Revolution Studios doesn't want to make an epic of complex intrigue, politics or dialogue. They just want to blow things up.

Asylum Night is a gleefully demented horror movie that trawls through the depths of horror, splatter and low-budget shockers with the abandon of a seasoned grave robber. Playing like an extended episode of 'Urban Gothic' 'Asylum Night is by no means the perfect film but has almost all the ingredients of a perfect cult film.

The plot, such as it is begins with a smooth homage to the Amicus classic 'Asylum' and follows Ellen Cole (Adrienne Carlyle) as she goes undercover to find her missing brother. Murderous inmates, seductive nurses and dangerous experiments with the inmates and vampires chase a script that's surprisingly well-written but all this is incidental to the film itself, a demented jolt of electricity shot to the temples by a director who's clearly in love with his source material.

And there's enough to spare. From the 'Ultraviolet' inspired soundtrack to the frequent film references (Temple Of Doom, From Dusk Till Dawn and Angel Heart all get tipped a cheeky wink) and while Watson falls for many first-timer tricks (crazy camera-angles down the corridor) he delivers something in the vein of Ken Russell's excellent 'Lair of the White Worm'.

Admittedly, the film does suffer from pacing problems and the production design has set back the progress of independent film making a few years. Foley is non-existent and the lack of location is painfully evident as the technical mistakes: those professional hang-ups that are as evident as the 555 number given in Hollywood phone numbers.

That said, the sheer energy with which the cast and crew sink their teeth into this film is infectious – I couldn't help but smile every time I saw the next cliché make a welcome appearance on the screen. Horror films are paradoxically the easiest and hardest features to make and a great way for raw directors to cut their teeth on a low budget: Sam Raimi's 'Evil Dead', Peter Jackson's 'Bad Taste' and Eli Roth's 'Cabin Fever' all spring to mind.

This isn't a film for those who like polished movies slavishly adhering to the dull world of Anne Rice or those who demand something new be bought to the table. What this film offers is energy, raw talent and a promise of a good night in with perhaps many more to come.

$100 million wasted on this film. The money should have gone to AIDS or cancer research. I have never seen such a wasteful film in all my life. Endless wasted opportunities and more damage done to Universal's horror icons than Lucas could ever do to Star Wars. As a movie it fails. As a kid's movie it fails. It's possible to make an intelligent film that appeals to both adults and children - the original Star Wars trilogy and The Lord Of The Rings are proof of this. Violence without bloodshed is a useless paradox - I can't believe that no-one watching this monstrosity being assembled didn't decide to end it down the line. By denying money to critical research and releasing this film, they've increased human suffering on two fronts.

I saw this film years ago on cable and enjoyed it for what it was. I suppose that's because I cam to it without any hype or expectations and enjoyed it all the more for it. The trouble with films like 'Dr. Black, Mr. Hyde' and the more famous 'The Thing With Two Heads' is that the gimmick often promises more than it delivers. Likewise when you get over the premise of 'Blacula', it's nothing more than an extended episode of 'Kolchak:The Night Stalker' held together by nothing more than the excellent William Marshall.

But I digress. I think too many people expect these movies to have some meaningful insight into social issues of the day when many mainstream Hollywood films dealing with the same premise would be let off the hook. Dr. Black, Mr. Hyde is nothing more than the Jekyll and Hyde story told with a black actor and should be viewed on that basis alone.

As a blaxploitation horror, this is competent stuff, though I'd recommend 'J.D's Revenge' over this as a better example. As a showcase for Bernie Casey this is far more enjoyable and one of the reasons I have remained a fan of this movie after many years.

NOTE: DS9 fans will enjoy seeing Casey and Marc Alaimo together some 17 years before their appearance as Cal Hudson and Gul Dukat in the DS9 2-parter 'The Maquis'.

Gunned down in cold blood, 2 corrupt FBI agents wind up in Hell. Finding a way back to Earth, they begin a campaign of good deeds which will 'square them with the big guy' and allow them to enter Heaven.

G-Men From Hell is a pleasing little film. Overlong at times, it still looks good for the money - like a seedier version of Dick Tracy. It has it's flaws, particularly Vanessa Angel's atrocious dialogue and the re-appearance of Zach Galligan after many years in a role that could just as easily have been left out. Where it shines though is in it's casting of William Forsyth, Gary Busey and Robert Goulet as the Devil, delivering ordinary lines with such panache that it's hard not to repeat them as you go along. In particular, Busey's delivery of 'I am a sadistic, leather-clad master homosexual' and his frequent groping of Galligan will have you wondering why we see so little of this premier nutter on our screens. Goulet and Forsyth are no slouches either and what would have been another forgotten oddity is saved by a couple of great performances.

Watch out for an unrecognizable David Huddlestone as a mad scientist - I'm glad to see he's still going strong.

Bus Spencer & Terence Hill aren't well known in the United Kingdom and this is a shame as their work deserves to be seen by a wider audience. A nice mix of sight gags, slapstick and inventive fight scenes, it's closer to an Italian version of a Jackie Chan comedy than any western comedy duo.

Go For It unites the drifter Rosco (Hill) with fresh-out-of-jail Doug (Spencer). Within the first 10 minutes they've beaten the occupants of a highway diner and stolen a truck. 10 minutes later, they're mistaken for two CIA operatives and despatched to Miami to infiltrate the mysterious K1's organisation.

The script and budget of this film are well above their usual low-budget set-pieces, but what really makes these films shine are the stars. Hill's smooth-talking, fist-fighting charmer is the perfect counterpart to Spencer's hulking laid-back bruiser. If you've never seen them fight a group of Euro-villains, this is a good one to start with. Much of the pleasure comes from seeing Bud Spencer delivering one of his trademark slaps - a slap from a man that size HAS to hurt and the ringing sound effects foleyed in are a nice departure from the usual gunshot-type sound effect.

Posing a rich Texan millionaires and in possession of a million dollars, these two wreak havoc across Miami. My favourite scene is the delivery of Spencer's burger; the sequence is surreal enough to have been lifted from a Leone western and will have you in stitches.

If you like this film I'd also recommend 'Double Trouble', possibly their finest film. 'Go For It' remains a close second and a fine reminder that if there's no chemistry, no amount of stunts or CGI will make your film work. The right team, however unlikely the pairing, will turn any ordinary film into a memorable one.

Ong Bak's plot, such as it is involves an orphan, raised by monks and trained in the deadliest of martial arts, as he travels to the big city to find the head of the titular statue.

The film itself is badly shot, badly written and the low production quality would make Jalil Jackson and Ed Wood weep with shame.

But in the best tradition of pornography, the plot is irrelevant; you're here for the action! And Ong Bak delivers! 45mins in the fights begin and at first you wonder why the sounds are so muted. You see, that's what real flesh sounds like smacking against real bone - professionally made films can foley in more dynamic sounds but this is more like watching footage from an underground fight club.

No CGI or wirework, this is gutsy, brutal entertainment done with real fighters thrashing one another with knees, elbows and in one sequence, a full-sized fridge! Playing like a real -life version of StreetFighter, our hero battles increasingly powerful villains with different styles while trying to maintain both his honour and his resolve.

Will he win? Will he lose? Who cares! After the damage done to the art of fight staging by The Matrix, Daredevil and the lesser clones, it's refreshing to see that someone can still show you how effective a weapon the human body can really be.

Urban Gothic is a little rough round the edges but an entertaining show nonetheless. As with all shows of this format, the quality of acting and scripts vary, though in this show's favour it's usually above average. As the series goes on, the shows show marked improvement as the dialogue becomes more natural and far less stilted.

There are germs of good ideas here, though only a few are developed sufficiently enough to raise this beyond the level of 'Hammer House Of Horror' to something approaching the class of 'Ultraviolet'. In particular, episodes such as 'Old Nick' and the astonishing 'Boy's Club' break free of the usual formula to show us that horror and evil aren't just about blood and gore. True horror is corruption of the soul, of the heart, and in these two episodes we get to see a darker side of the City that will linger uncomfortably long after the TV set has been turned off.

What the hell...not since the bad days of 'R.O.T.O.R' have I been forced to abandon a film so close to the end for fear of losing my sanity. An 'anti' film if there was ever one, everything that's wrong with a picture.

Seagal (an award-winning Professor of Archeology in this movie) is too old and too fat to be convincing - he's rarely seen moving on screen (much less running). Gone are the trademark witticisms and snappily choreographed fight scenes. We'll never see the likes of 'Marked For Death' or 'Out For Justice' again. Instead we have some insulting, badly photographed fight scenes and constant voice-over by someone pretending to be Seagal. Whenever we do catch sight of Fatso, he's waddling along and breaking some gangster's arm. And each time he does, the voice-over discovers that each of his attackers has some hand-drawn tattoo on his wrist. The tattoo is in Chinese, which fits in nicely with some guff about drug smuggling by Triads. There are some helpful subtitles from time to time and occasionally there's a fight, but mostly it's just Cartman wandering around looking as intense as his features will allow.

You may of course be wondering why I haven't talked about the plot. Well, there isn't one. I'm simply trying to recreate the feeling of boredom mixed with anger that I felt watching this film. And confusion, endless, endless confusion as to what's going on..