I saw this movie on late night cable in high school. While I don't remember much about the movie, other than it being stupid and incomprehensible, I do recall the end title card. It's laid out in such a way that the title appears to be Steel American Cyborg Warrior. At this point, my friends and I burst out laughing. I didn't find out the movie's real name until several years later. Steel American Cyborg Warrior? Steel Ameriborg Cyior Canwar? Asteelican Borgior Mercy War? Can I Steel A Merior Cyborg War? With the level of competence on display in this picture, I wouldn't be surprised if any of the above combinations turned up at the end.
Reviews
13 Reviews
Brazil
(1985)
About the "Love Conquers All" version (spoilers)
4 September 2003
Warning: Spoilers
Those of us who are complete nerds and own the Criterion Collection DVD of Brazil have the unique opportunity to watch the above-mentioned version of the movie, to which Terry Gilliam refers as "Sidney Sheinberg's 'Brazil'". This is the cut originally intended to be released in America by Universal Pictures. Sheinberg was a Universal executive who was convinced that Brazil was too long, cerebral and depressing for American audiences. To make a long story short, forty minutes were cut from the film and the ending was changed completely. Gilliam refused to have anything to do with this and insisted that his name be taken off the picture if it was released in this form. Eventually, after a lengthy and acrimonious public battle, the movie was released with Gilliam's cut restored. The "Love Conquers All" version, as Sheinberg's cut became known, was eventually broadcast on television. Sheinberg's arguments do hold a little water: the picture did indeed become a "cult" item instead of a blockbuster, and barely broke even in the box office.
However, upon seeing this version, that argument falls apart completely. This is still "Brazil", but it is one of the worst movies I have ever seen. Nearly every scene has had a significant chunk cut out. Irritating and stupid ADR lines pop up occasionally, like:
Tuttle: "We have to fight back, Sam. We have to fight back."
There are new and unnecessary musical cues in scenes that did not have them before. Also, most of the fantasy sequences have been removed, including those with the "hideous baby" creatures. This fails to set up one of the most important moments in the movie: when Jack arrives in a "hideous baby" mask to interrogate Sam. This completely changes the nature of the biggest fantasy of them all: the final battle. Though much of it remains, it is now cinematic "reality" and ends with Sam and Jill living happily every after. The "filmmakers" don't explain how Tuttle could disappear inside the paperwork in this sequence. It makes sense in a hallucination or dream, but doesn't at all when presented as "reality".
This is but a small sampling of the crimes Sheinberg committed against Gilliam's wonderful film. All of the joy, humor, despair and dread were systematically leached out the movie in favor of making a typical "good vs. evil" boxing match. Even the swear words were cut out! The effect is as if someone had taken Dali's "Persistence of Time" and cut out all of those pesky soft watches, 'cause they don't make sense. The problem, of course, since all meaning and invention have been removed, is that it now makes even less sense than the original. Only the desert landscape remains - thus, "Sidney Sheinberg's 'Brazil'" is a wasteland of a movie. See it at your peril.
However, upon seeing this version, that argument falls apart completely. This is still "Brazil", but it is one of the worst movies I have ever seen. Nearly every scene has had a significant chunk cut out. Irritating and stupid ADR lines pop up occasionally, like:
Tuttle: "We have to fight back, Sam. We have to fight back."
There are new and unnecessary musical cues in scenes that did not have them before. Also, most of the fantasy sequences have been removed, including those with the "hideous baby" creatures. This fails to set up one of the most important moments in the movie: when Jack arrives in a "hideous baby" mask to interrogate Sam. This completely changes the nature of the biggest fantasy of them all: the final battle. Though much of it remains, it is now cinematic "reality" and ends with Sam and Jill living happily every after. The "filmmakers" don't explain how Tuttle could disappear inside the paperwork in this sequence. It makes sense in a hallucination or dream, but doesn't at all when presented as "reality".
This is but a small sampling of the crimes Sheinberg committed against Gilliam's wonderful film. All of the joy, humor, despair and dread were systematically leached out the movie in favor of making a typical "good vs. evil" boxing match. Even the swear words were cut out! The effect is as if someone had taken Dali's "Persistence of Time" and cut out all of those pesky soft watches, 'cause they don't make sense. The problem, of course, since all meaning and invention have been removed, is that it now makes even less sense than the original. Only the desert landscape remains - thus, "Sidney Sheinberg's 'Brazil'" is a wasteland of a movie. See it at your peril.
Aliens
(1986)
A drooling, acid-bleeding thrill-ride with an exoskeleton!
22 February 2003
One of the best films of the "hypersalivating monster attacks you in outer space" genre, "Aliens" is a tightly constructed festival of gore and terror. Some scenes have a palpable intensity: you can really feel the menace of the aliens as they creep, heard but not seen, towards the characters. If these scenes were any more atmospheric, you could smell and taste them as well.
That said, this movie doesn't quite live up to the standard set by "Alien." While Ripley is a little more rounded in this film (we find out that she had a daughter, has nightmares, has a first name, etc.), the secondary characters sometimes seem like stock military and corporate types. Bill Paxton's character in particular is irritating because of his overacted macho behavior and panicking. Kudos, though, to the little girl, who is thoroughly convincing in her traumatized-child role. She has been so terrified by seeing so much grisly death that she won't even respond to her rescuers at first. Of course, Sigourney Weaver turns in a bravura performance, as she always has done.
Also, sharp-eared nerds like myself will notice that the music in the opening scene, where Ripley's escape pod drifts through space, was also used in "2001: A Space Odyssey". It's part of a ballet score by Armenian-Soviet composer Aram Khachaturian (1903-1978). I think it's a very appropriate tribute to Kubrick.
That said, this movie doesn't quite live up to the standard set by "Alien." While Ripley is a little more rounded in this film (we find out that she had a daughter, has nightmares, has a first name, etc.), the secondary characters sometimes seem like stock military and corporate types. Bill Paxton's character in particular is irritating because of his overacted macho behavior and panicking. Kudos, though, to the little girl, who is thoroughly convincing in her traumatized-child role. She has been so terrified by seeing so much grisly death that she won't even respond to her rescuers at first. Of course, Sigourney Weaver turns in a bravura performance, as she always has done.
Also, sharp-eared nerds like myself will notice that the music in the opening scene, where Ripley's escape pod drifts through space, was also used in "2001: A Space Odyssey". It's part of a ballet score by Armenian-Soviet composer Aram Khachaturian (1903-1978). I think it's a very appropriate tribute to Kubrick.
Glen or Glenda
(1953)
So bad it's... what?
22 February 2003
If you haven't seen any of Ed Wood's other movies, this one is a completely bewildering experience. If you have seen any of Ed Wood's movies, this is still completely bewildering. Wood saw newsreels about Christine Jorgenson (the subject of the first sex-change operation), realized that he had a few things in common with Jorgenson, and made this... um... documentary about it. Lugosi plays, as always, a mad scientist, whose storyline barely ties in with the rest of the movie. Wood himself pseudonymously plays Glen, who enjoys dressing up in angora sweaters. Two policemen investigate Glen's apparent suicide, and... well, the plot sort of lost me between Lugosi's bizarre rants, the stock footage of buffalo herds and the elementary-school-filmstrip-quality acting. It really doesn't make any sense, but it is entertaining by virtue of its profound awfulness.
Jack Frost
(1998)
This could use a bit of its namesake's snickering gore
28 January 2003
This movie is awful family trash, but it makes for an interesting double bill with the campy 1997 horror film of the same title. Both movies are about Colorado residents named Jack Frost who are killed in auto accidents and then turned into walking, talking snowmen. One, though, is a doting dad while the other is a mass murderer. Someone has to edit these two pictures together into one steaming, gelatinous whole...
The Critic
(1994–2001)
The networks said "It stinks!" I beg to differ.
19 January 2003
This show marks one of the high points of animated television comedy, making it level with "The Simpsons" and better than "South Park". Its undeservedly harsh treatment at the hands of networks (including Comedy Central) speaks very poorly of the television industry. Since it only ran for two seasons, it never really got a chance to mature the way "The Simpsons" did after its first two seasons. The jokes are mostly very, very funny (especially the movie parodies) but the pacing sometimes falls flat and the animation can occasionally be somewhat crude. I suspect that if Fox or ABC had really gotten behind the show, then it would have run longer and gotten better as the writers began to really develop the jokes, the animators honed their craft and the actors learned to better control the pace. Unfortunately, "The Critic" faced the same problems that its hero Jay Sherman did in "Coming Attractions": humor that is funny but too obscure for its own good (Jay: "Let's watch the 15-hour version of 'Berlin Alexanderplatz'!" Marty: "Again?"), an uncaring public and an ugly star.
That said, this is perhaps my favorite television program of all time, at least tying with "The Simpsons". The afore-mentioned problems, which made the show a problem for the general public, appeal to bald men with twisted senses of humor like myself (The only other balding television heroes I can think of are Joe Sipowicz and Homer Simpson). The movie-parody humor is top notch, particularly when either Marlon Brando, Orson Welles or Arnold Schwarzenegger are involved. In short, one could consider this a cult hit, intentionally funny subcategory, that could have achieved much more had it been given the hearing it deserved. Count me in! Now pardon me: I have to go home and watch it.
That said, this is perhaps my favorite television program of all time, at least tying with "The Simpsons". The afore-mentioned problems, which made the show a problem for the general public, appeal to bald men with twisted senses of humor like myself (The only other balding television heroes I can think of are Joe Sipowicz and Homer Simpson). The movie-parody humor is top notch, particularly when either Marlon Brando, Orson Welles or Arnold Schwarzenegger are involved. In short, one could consider this a cult hit, intentionally funny subcategory, that could have achieved much more had it been given the hearing it deserved. Count me in! Now pardon me: I have to go home and watch it.
The Royal Tenenbaums
(2001)
More heady goodness from Wes Anderson
3 December 2002
This third film by Wes Anderson is another testament to his ingenuity and original vision. There is a slight air of surrealism, hinted at by the made-up New York locations (the 375th St. Y, the Palace Hotel, Archer Ave.) that are actual New York locations in disguise. The (perhaps over-) abundance of detail is a treasure-trove waiting for repeated viewings. Anderson and co-writer Owen Wilson have woven an intricate plot around intricately woven characters. These characters may irritate a viewer sometimes but are much more deeply drawn than they first appear: they are greater than the sum of their quirks. The score, by former Devo newwaver Mark Mothersbaugh, is a perfect amalgamation of Baroque and classical music and jazz-pop, in the same vein as his score for "Rushmore." I highly recommend this to anyone who ever thinks about his or her childhood for any reason.
A note for viewers of the Criterion Collection DVD: Watch and be appalled by the "Peter Bradley Show" in which a man who looks vaguely like Charlie Rose incompetently interviews several bit players who seem either amused or very uncomfortable. Then, sharpen your eyes, switch discs and watch for "Peter Bradley" to appear in the movie in a couple of places. Finally, think really hard about the whole thing and what it might mean.
A note for viewers of the Criterion Collection DVD: Watch and be appalled by the "Peter Bradley Show" in which a man who looks vaguely like Charlie Rose incompetently interviews several bit players who seem either amused or very uncomfortable. Then, sharpen your eyes, switch discs and watch for "Peter Bradley" to appear in the movie in a couple of places. Finally, think really hard about the whole thing and what it might mean.
Zeisters
(1986)
An obvious antecedent to Rain Man and Forrest Gump.
24 November 2002
Anyone with a conscience should go to see this expose on the ill treatment that mentally-challenged individuals face in modern society. The Mouka is a new role-model to inspire us all to overcome our limitations and differences and become a better society. We should all bow down before the chefs at Troma for donating this documentary on the mental health system and its devastating effects on the victims of... what's that, Mother? You want me to come home? But I'm in the middle of reviewing a movie! I don't CARE if you're staring at me from your bedroom window! Look, don't make me put you in the basement with the stuffed birds again.
Sorry about that. Anyway, this film is actually a new low in bad comedy flicks, intentional category. Most of the humor is in the title "Fat guy goes nutzoid." The rest is somewhere in between the vomiting and the Auschwitz joke and the enormous amount of body hair on display. The acting is around the level of "Glen or Glenda" and the writing would bore an 8-year-old. Pretty much the only mitigating factor is the Leo Kottke guitar score, which is fortunately too loud most of the time. Oh, and Tibor Feldman bears an uncanny resemblance to Ethan Coen, which made me want to shout "Where's Joel?" at the screen. That, of course, is not all I wanted to shout. Anyway, thanks for coming: we don't get much business since they moved the highway a few years ago. Here's your key. Cabin number 2. Why don't you take a nice, long shower after traveling so far?
Sorry about that. Anyway, this film is actually a new low in bad comedy flicks, intentional category. Most of the humor is in the title "Fat guy goes nutzoid." The rest is somewhere in between the vomiting and the Auschwitz joke and the enormous amount of body hair on display. The acting is around the level of "Glen or Glenda" and the writing would bore an 8-year-old. Pretty much the only mitigating factor is the Leo Kottke guitar score, which is fortunately too loud most of the time. Oh, and Tibor Feldman bears an uncanny resemblance to Ethan Coen, which made me want to shout "Where's Joel?" at the screen. That, of course, is not all I wanted to shout. Anyway, thanks for coming: we don't get much business since they moved the highway a few years ago. Here's your key. Cabin number 2. Why don't you take a nice, long shower after traveling so far?
Eraserhead
(1977)
Puts the "cult" in difficult.
22 September 2002
Most movies are prosaic (which is not necessarily a bad thing): this one is pure poetry. It belongs in a category with 2001: A Space Odyssey, parts of Fantasia, and maybe Barton Fink. Of course, it has very little, if anything, in common with those movies, but that's part of my point. Lynch mixes ordinary, workaday human experiences (being kept awake by a crying baby, having a guest for dinner, listening to a record, etc.) with the utterly bizarre and inexplicable. This is done, for lack of a better word, convincingly and without the heavy-handed irony and self-conscious weirdness of his later films and television shows (watch Blue Velvet if you don't know what I mean). My only complaint about this film is that its cinematography (which is, here more than in an average film, integral to its artistic message) is very hazy and low-contrast, making it very difficult to tell what is happening in some scenes. Watch this in a darkened room, write down your questions, and then sleep with the lights on and your mom on call.
The Star Wars Holiday Special
(1978 TV Movie)
Brilliant! Tragic! Hilarious! A Must-See! I laughed! I cried!
13 July 2002
Oh, that I could have said any of those things about this unfortunate and little-known detour in the Star Wars saga. Instead, I will leave potential viewers with a warning: The best scenes are spoken entirely in Wookie. Also, Han Solo appears, but has mysteriously become a cross between Eugene McCarthy and Mr. Rogers. This pile of television programming is something that you wouldn't want to step in on the way to a job interview.
The NeverEnding Story
(1984)
A film for all times and all ages...
5 July 2002
I saw this movie in the theater when I was four years old. There is an event near the end of it that absolutely terrified me, which I remember to this day. A couple of months later, my mother took me to a special screening of "Return of the Jedi". I had to be dragged, kicking and screaming, to the car on the way to the movie. Nonetheless, this movie retains a special place in my heart: it takes a story that is universal for children of all ages, fills it with unforgettable characters and images (particularly the glowing sentry gates) and will completely capture the imagination of any child or adult who sees it.
Harold and Maude
(1971)
"Do you enjoy knives?"
3 July 2002
If the answer is yes, then you may also enjoy "Harold and Maude." This 1971 film is a great black comedy, a deadpan look at youthful disillusion and an interesting answer to "The Graduate" all rolled up in one. Bud Cort and Ruth Gordon give wonderfully off-kilter performances that perfectly complement one another. In spite of the vast emotional, cultural and generational differences between their characters, their romance is completely convincing, if a little unusual.
The film does beg a few comparisons to "The Graduate": a 20-year-old, disillusioned with his parent(s), ends up in an intergenerational affair, and drives some fast cars in the process. Of course, Benjamin Braddock's affair with Mrs. Robinson was emotionally empty and ultimately very destructive, while Harold and Maude have something much more sincere. There are a couple of specific references, one involving a lengthy double take followed by the interjection "WHAT?".
One more thing: In the first blind date scene, look very carefully out the window. Something very illogical and therefore absolutely hysterical happens.
The film does beg a few comparisons to "The Graduate": a 20-year-old, disillusioned with his parent(s), ends up in an intergenerational affair, and drives some fast cars in the process. Of course, Benjamin Braddock's affair with Mrs. Robinson was emotionally empty and ultimately very destructive, while Harold and Maude have something much more sincere. There are a couple of specific references, one involving a lengthy double take followed by the interjection "WHAT?".
One more thing: In the first blind date scene, look very carefully out the window. Something very illogical and therefore absolutely hysterical happens.
The Dub Room Special!
(1984 Video)
Absolutely amazing!
22 June 2002
This television special from the early 1980s by Frank Zappa is an amazing amalgamation of concert footage from 1974 and 1982. Astute viewers will note that the 1974 footage is from the KCET-TV special the Mothers did in that year - from which most of the "Inca Roads" track on One Size Fits All is taken. The performances by all musicians involved are intense, notably those of percussionist Ruth Underwood and singer/saxophone player Napoleon Murphy Brock. It's really great to be able to see these Mothers perform: these are two of the best performing ensembles that Frank ever put together. Also of interest: writer Massimo Bassoli sings "Tengo na minchia tanta", which you may recognize from the CD release of the Uncle Meat soundtrack. If you can track this show down (EBay is a good place to start), I highly recommend it.
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