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Reviews
House M.D.: Twenty Vicodin (2011)
Worst House episode ever
I love "House MD"--it is one of my top 5 favorite TV shows of all time. That being said, I hated this episode. There wasn't much medicine, there wasn't much House-being-House, and there wasn't much chemistry between anyone on this entire episode. The worst part is that this episode would have been frightfully weak in the middle of a season, but it is even more inexcusable as a season premiere. For this I waited 5 months?!? House is in prison after the hijinks in the last season finale. Thankfully they fast-forwarded to his parole rather than forcing us to endure a half-season of Prison House like they did with Mental Hospital House. His parole is granted and he is out in five more days. House then risks his parole to save a drug dealer (just for the sake of the puzzle), and risks his life with the skinhead kingpin for a dumber reason: to solve the drug dealer puzzle.
This episode seems like it was written by manatees. It even would have been better if they had used Cracked.com's "Every Episode of 'House' Ever" tutorial. If you have ever watched the earlier episodes, you will be disappointed in the writing of this one.
Die Another Day (2002)
Not a great Bond film, but it has its moments
As a longtime Bondphile, I eagerly await any new Bond film. I can't deny that this one was quite a disappointment for me. It had enough gadgets, good effects, action, and of course, an Aston Martin to keep me happy, but there were enough negatives for me to rate this movie alongside Roger Moore's. I do appreciate the tongue-in-cheek references to past Bond films, but this effect was greatly overused. In other words, it is almost like they merely mashed all the old films into one new one.
I will admit that Bond movies run the risk of looking like Juicy Fruit commercials with their exploitation of the latest extreme sports fads, like the parasurfing on the (unconvicingly CGI) tidal wave in this movie. Also, the opening credits featuring Bond being tortured is totally inappropriate for this kind of film. Not the content, but he premise. It is tantamount to MacGyver being given a paperclip and not having a clue what to do with
it. Bond is not supposed to have the capacity to be captured and detained, much less for 14 months. He is clever enough to get out of the ice racer, so why didn't he just jump over the waterfall like his superhuman female partner Jinx did later in the movie? Hmmm? Which brings me to my next point.
Another problem I have with the new Bond films is the whole concept of Bond girls being "empowered". The studio abandoned the concept of "this could really happen" around the time of "Moonraker/The Spy Who Loved Me", so why must the whole franchise represent a microcosm of current events and beliefs? Bond girls are SUPPOSED to look good and be helpless!! That is their requirement, and their purpose. Can anyone really imagine the great Sean requiring a female partner (or any for that matter, save Leiter) to complete his mission? Seems like Pierce has lost his edge. This is not "Get Smart". This concludes that rant, and now I will conclude with some positives.
I just bought the DVD, and it is packed with good stuff. The Bond Special Edition DVDs are packed with a multitude of good behind-the-scenes featurettes, and they enhance the experience of watching the films. This one is no exception.
John Cleese also brings his incomparable presence to the role of Q, succeeding the late Desmond Llewelyn. His comic genius and timing will be welcomed in films to come. The use of Madonna as an actress (sic) and programmer of the title (ahem) music was an obvious last gasp attempt at revitalizing her career, and lets us know what kicking a dead horse sounds like.
I'm almost done. I gave the movie a 5, breaking the 6 mark I usually only reserve for Moore movies. I hope the next one will not disappoint me so much.
On Deadly Ground (1994)
Environmentalists take note--Seagal is your new hero!
I used to like Seagal movies until I saw this one. On Deadly Ground takes hypocrisy to a new low.
Seagal plays Forrest Taft, heavy to Michael Caine's Bond-villain oil magnate. Once Taft gets in touch with his peaceful, spiritual, Native American side, he decides to kill everyone and declare himself the smartest man that ever lived. Seagal, as actor and/or director, saves the environment by blowing up an oil rig (thereby flooding the ocean with crude), shows tolerance by stereotyping ("Can you ride [a horse]?" "Of course--I'm a Native American!"), and teaches it's okay to murder people that don't agree with you (and don't actually commit any crimes!).
Caine, Ermey, and McGinley are clearly slumming here, although Ermey does provide one of the necessary pieces of any Seagal movie. You'll notice that Seagal never mentions his abilities in any movie--he makes someone else talk smack for him, thereby giving the impression that he is above such pettiness as bragging. Ermey (Stone) makes the little speech about, "We're not dealing with the student, we're dealing with the professor blah blah blah..." which just happens to be in every Seagal movie, probably as a stipulation in his contract that no one in his movies can be a badder sucka than he.
As others have mentioned, there is a wonderfully narcissistic diatribe at the end of this movie that will have you ordering another glass of bile with a little less lemon. His bad science and wild speculation about having to wear gas masks by 1970 is laughable. Wait a second--that was the FIRST time it was said. I haven't got with the times yet. Sorry.
While Seagal is known for constantly having a look on his face that there is an ugly, flatulent dog in the room (I'm beginning to suspect that he merely had his eyeballs removed due to atrophy), he appears to have accidentally killed an acting coach in the street (probably for driving an SUV) and done learned him a new expression (bringing his grand repertoire of facial expressions to a lofty 2): smugness. He wears this like a badge of honor in every scene involving his "selflessness". Protecting the environment. Defending helpless animals. Defending helpless natives. Lecturing drunks in the pub. Killing sea life. Killing people who disagree with him. No wait--that's the other face. Look at the movie poster for an action shot.
I was pleased to see this movie make the bottom 100 movies of all time, beating out such classic crap as "Ghost Dad" and "Ishtar", and the only thing keeping this film from #1 is the dual existence of Pauly Shore and Tom Green. Even "Vice Versa" isn't in the bottom 100!!!
//////SPOILER\\\\\\\\ Seagal breaks someone's arm.
The Master of Disguise (2002)
If you hate Dana Carvey, you'll love this movie
I never thought I would walk out of a Dana Carvey movie.
I anxiously awaited the release of this movie, because I am a Carvey fan. I mourned his departure from SNL, and I like his movies, regardless of their goofiness (Opportunity Knocks, Clean Slate, etc.) because his talent is showcased. With this fetid piece of tripe (a nod to MST3K, a show on which this movie would probably feel at home), he has nailed shut the coffin of his career. A cameo appearance by Carrot Top would have lent an air of dignity to the movie, but alas, we are not so blessed. This "film" will do for his career what murdering your wife and her friend does to a football legend. I kid you not.
I will definitely think twice about seeing another Dana movie, if this is the sort of script that he accepts.
To emphasize the crappiness of this movie, I will reiterate that I have walked out on exactly 3 movies in my life, and I sat through Twister and Road Trip.
Road Trip (2000)
Not as funny as a root canal, but cheaper
Wow. I just watched this movie for the first time after many friends I formerly respected recommended it. To be honest, it wasn't all bad, just the parts that Tom Green had anything at all to do with. Mr. Green is as funny as Will Ferrell doing his taxes while watching "Ishtar" in a burning orphanage on the Titanic. He is to comedy what Stephen Hawking is to comedy. His brand of "humor" is for those people that use phrases like "book-lurnin'" and found "Animal House" and "Police Academy" far too cerebral and uppity. His success can only be explained by way of speculation that he has made some sort of deal with Satan, undoubtedly that Tom will be given fame and riches, on the condition that he never set foot in Hell as I'm sure even Satan's standards for humor are higher than this. Sorry. Was I ranting just then? I feel so cleansed.
On to the rest of the movie. Predictable, yes, but not without a few laughs. Many of these are provided at the expense of taste, but anyone who watches this movie should be expecting that based on the familiar teen movie cast. Check your standards at the door.
Don't get me wrong, I don't consider this movie to be a waste of time. It gave me a chance to work on my Tom Green effigy.
U.S. Seals II (2001)
One of the worst movies Ed Wood never made.
Ever watch a bad movie all the way through, desperately hoping it would have a redeeming feature? Don't do that with this one.
I happen to like many somewhat cheesy military/martial art movies, and thought this movie would be a harmless departure for an hour and a half or so. Don't be fooled: It does harm. This is one of those movies that makes you pick up a book by Steven Hawking and read a page of it to prove to yourself that you are not really that stupid. While I enjoy watching movies to escape for a while, I have never been so eager to return to daily life. Why is that? I'm glad I'm not those actors, and the director, and anyone else whose resume is forever soiled with this movie. (underline, italics, the lot) This movie is as uplifting as an episode of The Anna Nicole Smith show (no pun intended), because it makes you say to yourself, "No matter what kind of financial or personal problems I'm having in my life, it could be worse."
The acting makes Lorenzo Lamas look like Laurence Olivier, and that whooshing sound was so obnoxious and pervasive that it became an in-joke with my friends to make that sound when reaching for car keys, pulling them out of pocket, inserting in ignition, turning to start, putting in gear, and finally looking back over shoulder and striking a pose. The guns that are used in the opening of the film are not SEAL weapons, not American military weapons, not foreign weapons, ...come to think of it, they're not weapons. They are quite obviously made of wood. They don't shoot blanks or even have moving parts. This, along with the previously stated exploding waterlogged vehicle gave me pause during the opening credits -- should I cut off a limb while watching this 'movie' to see which I regret more in the morning?
I have to give this movie a 1 of ten because imdb doesn't go lower.
I'm glad so many people have already stolen my thunder about this movie because I think to spend another minute on this gives the film far too much power over me, and it wins. But I'm still not this movie, so I win.