Reviews

Wow. Just...wow.

My girlfriend and I were in the mood to watch a cheesy lesbian movie, and bingo, we found it in Bloomington. This movie is seriously bad. I can't wait to tell you all about it. OK, here we go:

So the movie starts out with this Haley Joel Osment look-a-like named Jackie, a former child star, who is going off to college. She packs her bags (even shoves her dirty ass sneakers right into her suitcase next to her clothes - who does that?) and hits the road! When she arrives, of course she is met with starstruck peers who just can't believe they're going to the same school as Jackie. In no time at all, Jackie meets Catherine, a psychology professor who is notorious for sleeping with her students, but is somehow still employed by the university. Literally in the span of five minutes Jackie is helping Catherine carry a stack of books, and then ends up at her fancy house where they have sex, I think, I'm not sure, they don't show anything at all, ever. There is no nudity in this film. Is this some kind of sick joke? The Parental Guide is more arousing than the actual movie. And I am familiar with the U-Hauling lesbian stereotypes but this is just crazy. Jackie and Catherine's relationship escalates so quickly it had us rolling with laughter. And the DIALOGUE. Oh my god don't even get me started. At one point my girlfriend was literally mumbling, "No, no, no," during one of the "sex scenes" where Jackie is rattling off lines from the canceled Sci-fi show she starred in as a kid. And, of course, as with most terrible lesbian movies, both women end up sleeping with dudes, because women crave dick no matter how relentlessly gay they are. And as for the movie's soundtrack, it's just a mix of Ani DiFranco (of course) and this weird American Beauty-eque score. Barf. You know what? I'm just going to end this here. I've gotten all caught up in writing this review that I'm not even following the movie anymore, just sitting next to my girlfriend who is yelling at the TV in between bouts of raucous laughter.

This movie is a hilarious, predictable, cringe-worthy, awful medley of sh*t. Enjoy!