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Reviews
Ankle Biters (2002)
oh my
I've seen some bad films, Troll2, Jack Frost and the dreaded return, I thought I'd seen it all. All the worst humour, camerawork, acting, lighting, effects and
dialouge. Imagine my suprise when I go into Blockbuster and see two for the
price of one on this and SClub Seeing Double. If you imagine that kind of
suprise, imagine how great it became when The SClub movie looks like Citizen
Kane compared to this film, which without a doubt is the worst film I have ever seen!
Don't watch it I beg you all, it's appalling, I watched it with five people, one spent the secound half of the film watching the counter on the dvd player, another left at the end with tears in his eyes, another fell asleep and the other two I've never seen or spoken to again! It's awfull. Without the few laughs it had, the vampire hitting a woman, the poetically blissfull line :
- F**k you! - No f**k you you sawn off b*****d!
It really did hurt, i'm glad I'm not small because I'd consider perminatlly going into hiding after seeing this disgrace to there size, it's horrible, I feel ashamed to own it, I wont get rid of it though it reminds me of the pain i went through in the hardest 1&1/2 hrs of my life, like people who keep there kidneys in a jar after having them removed, this film replaced that jar, i've passed kidney stones man and that was a walk in the park compared to what has to be the worst film ever made.
I sleep well at night knowing the shame the filmmakers must be feeling right
now.
p.s is the soundtrack availible at most record stores?
oh my.
Jack Frost 2: Revenge of the Mutant Killer Snowman (2000)
Good For The Wrong Reasons
this film is bad, very bad. Extremely bad indeed one of the worst films created. Shot on a set which looks to be stolen from Saves By The Bell with a cast which seemed to have got worse at acting since the lame Jack Frost, Jack frost 2
revenge of the mutant killer snowman is as bad as the name suggests. It has a promising start, "Slashing through the raft...thanks for the nose now I'm off to the island" is my favorate all time movie line, but then it goes on about Jacks snow children and becomes really really poor. I do like it though for one reason, it shows Jack Frost one for what it really is, a very poor film as well, if you loved Jack frost one watch this because its a short sharp shock to how bad the
franchise is.
For that it gets 1/2 out of 10
Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines (2003)
Better than The first?
Controversial I know, but over the past four days I''ve seen this film 3 times and its grown each time. I'm not a massive fan of the Terminator francise, but i've loved Schwartzenegger ever since I can remember, his recent downfall in ratings and reviews needed to stop and T3 was the perfect way to do this. He provides a performance which is the greatist by any leading man in an action film since? what True lies? I don't know, he conveys power, but also willing to laugh at himself. Does Vin Deisel do this? Does Will Smith command the screen every time he's on it? Arnie has proved with this movie he is a star at another level to the before mentioned actors. His fee he picked up was deserved as it would not have been a movie without him.
Arnies not the only good thing about this film don't make any mistake about that. John Mostow creates a vision which no other director has dared do over the past few years, take a high budget film and dare cut it down to under 2hrs, sometimes a long picture deserves its length, The two lord of the rings films could not have been cut down, the size of narrative Peter Jackson is conveying deserves more screen time not less. Lets take other narratives though, the Matrix? it should have been shorter or not made, Hulk undoing was making a 2 1/2 hr film out of such a simple idea, people get bored, and in the end remember trudgeing through endless minutes of dialouge which is pretentious and meaningless rather than the sequences which did inspire awe. I was guilty of this with Hulk myself. John Mostow has broken the mould, he's taken a simple chase story and made it the length it should be, and i'm sorry but the ten minute fight scene between the T101 and the TX p****s on the proverbial parade of any of the 20 minute monster fights in matrix reloaded! You just get bored.
Character development is riskey and underrated in this movie thats Mostow and all the other actors taking the limelight.
Okay it cost 140m to make, thats a lot of money, and it's fair to demand an exceptional movie. Thats most peoples problem with this film, But this film is a lesson in making films to all the would be action directors and actors, make sure its not to long, unless it needs be, use real explosions and cars whereever you can, and get a star to perform in the movie, a name, who wasn't a little excited when the austrian oaks name fills the screen before the title of the film comes up?
For these simple lessons i give this movie 9/10 I give the same to T2 and I give 8/10 to The Terminator. T3 can kick the industry up the arse and show producers that just because it's costing loads it doesn't need hours of screen time and CGI being used to it's death. In an ideal world Arnold and Mostow will have recovered the action genre so the next Bond film is worth watching and the Matrix Revolutions doesn't get the hype of Reloaded. (and Vin Deisel will never work again!)
A cult classic.
How often do you say that about a $140m film?
Jack Frost (1997)
Dear God
I bought this film recently. Hoping to find a film with Troll2/Bud The Chud humour instead I was greeted with one of the most terrible films ever concieved. The humour was poor, sadley the acting good, camerawork acceptable...this is distressing because this means some senseless morons have put a lot of effort into this film thinking the concept of a poorly built snowman ressurected from the grave killing people is a good idea. Havnt these people got better things to do with their time and money? I am ashamed to have sat through 84minutes of the absolute WORST film ever made!!!! Anyone who contests this, especially by the name of Doiminic is a complete idiot with poor taste in film and no hope in the film industry!!!!!!!!!!!
Gremlins (1984)
Grembrilliant
I was lucky enough to see Gremlins on the big screen a few days ago after a 10 year or so stint without seeing this masterpiece. I was reminded on what a fantastic peice of filmmaking that Gremlins is, it stands head and shoulders above all eighties monster flicks and as a eighties horror it also fares very well. Comparing to it's peers, The Goolies, Critters etc seems a little unfair, the story is sharp, fast paced and is carried by all the actors.
It has the distinct feel of a B movie but the dialouge at the end reminds us that we have seen a film which dares to be corny and comes out trumps. On top of all this it is the best peice of anti-CGI work since the Jason and the Argonauts Skellington fight. The models show real character from the unquestionably adorable mogwi puppet to the humerous yet somehow frightening gremlins. Had this film been made in the last 8 or 9 years the character of the film would have been lost and along with that half the fun. Take the scene where Spike is followed by thousands of Gremlins all stomping their tiny legs, to the audience this isn't perfect animation by any means but the movement gives them real character. When I read reviews that state this movie is predictable and one dimensional I remind myself that idiots that make comments like this must've forgotten that from start to finish the movie is presented as a ghost story. The essence of any good ghost story is telling you a moral. However predictable it is. When the moral is as well presented as this anyone who doesn't enjoy the film should check their pulse.
C.H.U.D. II: Bud the Chud (1989)
This is movie magic
CHUD 2 stands alone as one of the finest peices of american cinema made in the late eighties starring Robert Vaughn featuringing Canabolistic Humaniod Underground Dwellers! Yeah, yeah some people may be able to find flaws in this beautiful teen comedy but I like to think of it as a diamond amongst all the ex rental coal you'll see whilst digging this little gem out (Troll2 for example!pah "their eating her and then their going to eat me!" no such poor dialouge in CHUD!) Then theres the twist! who would have guessed that the teen who we follow throughout and ressurected the CHUD in his bathtub would finish the film a CHUD himself? not I but image my delight! Will we ever see a CHUD three instead of making sequals to no hopers like Jurrasic Park they surely could put a bit of money toward CHUD3? It wouldn't cost much and the script wouldn't be hard to hammer out! I would be delighted to see CHUDs stomping on the big screen once more..but I can't believe this got to any big screen before sadly. If you haven't seen it, don't. Just trust me, it's great! And give it 10/10 lets pump the rating of this movie above the 1.3 mark people.
Catch Me If You Can (2002)
I've given up.
hi, My names Pip Hodgkinson and before I go any further I'd just
like to say Speilberg is one of the most fantastic directors in this
day and age, but this film is the last straw.
Why oh why can't he end a movie? With AI I was a little upset, but
on a second viewing I was satisfied with the glossy ending. With
Minority Report I was in a world of my own until he went off on his
Brian De Palmer tour of filmmaking! And on a second viewing I
was just as upset that he managed what could have been the
finest film last year look very ordinary with the last 20minutes. So
Catch Me If You Can was his chance of redemption, prove that he
has a little more variety in his abilities as a filmmaker than
constantly not being to end a film (god knows what would have
happened if he'd directed the Ice Storm!) so image my distress
when I'm loving the movie, pleased with the plot,pace and
performances then bang. Theres an ending, but no Steven doesn't
want to leave us with any distaste in our mouths so he takes us off
on a 15minute buddy movie style ending, oh at first they were
against each other then now! the work with each other! Wow didnt
see that one coming. If Minority Reports ending reminded me of
Mission Impossible then Catch Me if you can was Dragnet. Then
he manages to do the most lazy straight to tv trick in the history of
cinema. Oh yeah you got it, he uses the rolling text to make sure
we understand that it IS an happy ending.
So while I celebrated both Minority Report and AI as good films that
could have been great. Catch Me If You Can is not its a disgrace, it
had all the makings of being ten times better than both the before
mentioned films and one of the best films of the year but he
manages to make the film ordinary with its ending. So why should
we praise this movie?
Speilberg is the greatist movie maker for the openings to his films,
take Jaws, Saving Private Ryan, Indiana Jones (all three) and now
Catch Me If You Can and you can see a genius at work. But I find it
very hard to find an exceptional Speilberg ending since Jaws?
Surely thats as or more important than the start?
Road to Perdition (2002)
Road to S**t
This comment referes directly to the many people who've voted to give it and average score of 8. This film = fantastic camerawork, an amazing gathering of cast,great ideas + One of the worst scripts/stories ever concieved. It's bland, nothing happens, even less is said. But its got some of the best cinematography of 2002? so why rate this so highly? surly we should be cursing the fact that it has so many good elements but the one element which is so important ( the narrative) is no better than Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 3 : Turtles in time. Yet that was a film with out pretense and probablly got a poor rating The most offensive part to me is that it destroys the most interesting part of the narrative to me (the scenes where he gets the money together) by making it far to comic and with Scarface esque dissolves. This film will get Oscars, awards etc. And it deserves them for Cinematography because it is beautiful. But it's empty. Like the most amazingly designed can of coke, without coke inside.
Human Traffic (1999)
Human trash
I'm English, and a student. Let me say now that this film makes me feel terrible for it. I have to pinch myself and remind myself that im not a abolition of a moron who's only joy in life is to go out take drugs sleep with women, or get caught masturbating. It's so bad. What makes it worse its that people are of the belief that it's a tale of any weekend, nothing major happens? go to hell thats a poor idea for a script in the first place, yet if this is an average weekend in a young Englishmans life then I'm a social retard! Its soooo bad. Typical of our film idustry, we've managed to make House Party Two look like the Godfather Part Two, honestly who ok's these idea's? I'm glad film four has stopped funding films because this stands alone as the worst film I have ever seen! Even the nudity is poor. Blown Away with Corey Haim and Feldman was Citizen Cane compared to this complete waste of time. I think I broke some major face muscels by cringing too much in the space of two hours!!!! It looked dated the day before it's release and I hate to think of my children or grandchildren seeing this rubbish and thinking there father or grandfather lived his young life like these senseless morons!!
One from the Heart (1981)
A great feel good movie
How this film still goes without any sort of recognition is beyond belief. It's got a fantastic storyline, script, and story. It makes me smile every time of viewing and despite the massive wait I had to find a vhs copy (thank god for ex-rental) it still looks great.
Coppella and the production of designer showed great confidence to make the movie how it was made, the sets are spectucular and they are an assest of the film making an everyday story seem surreal yet warm and loving.
This movie is one of the great love stories, telling a story many of us may go through or at some point go through. And it's one of Coppella's great achievments making such a simple film so spectacular.
Dare I add at the moment Jack and Dracular have higher ratings than this movie?
Watch and enjoy. Also lets get a DVD copy