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Reviews
Dead Ant (2017)
Curses, Foiled....er....Peyoted Again
This is the movie that answers the question: What would it be like if someone with mediocre talent, limited budget and was really high wanted to make a movie after watching the double feature of Them! and This is Spinal Tap?
It's pure camp, grab a side bo...er...brewski and turn your brain off entertainment.
Kristen Schaal: Live at the Fillmore (2013)
Maybe an acquired taste
Schaal is certainly an odd character to figure out for the uninitiated. Instead of reading this review or the couple vastly negative reviews you can get a better sense from reading the three critic reviews available at the time of this writing.
I can see how this can be polarizing as "love it or hate it" material. But if you want something other than a humdrum style routine it's worth a shot to decide for yourself. Some of the best bits for me were at the beginning. And in my point of view the climax was too long, drawn out and falls flat.
Lobster Man from Mars (1989)
Enjoyable Camp
In addition to parodying lovably bad Sci-Fi movies this movie is also,in essence, a remake of The Producers. The difference is that instead of a movie designed to fail in order to make money, the failure of the movie is to lose money for a tax write off. The improbability of the IRS allowing such a loophole to work can be easily dismissed by the viewer as you're already on board for the ride by the insane title of the film.
I'm partial to everything I've seen Deborah Foreman in, and this is no exception. It is a shame that she moved away from acting with only one film appearance past the year 2000. While hardly a classic film role here, her presence alone makes it worthwhile.
Ultimate Soldier Challenge (2013)
Fake
Well it has some entertainment value, but it is definitely fake. I verified the information provided by bjoernelton's review. Thor Knai is an actor and per his IMDB profile spent a year of mandatory army service and there's no mention of him ever being in the FSK.
The only episode I watched was Rangers vs. RAF and I predicted almost all the plot points before they occurred:
1). Team that wins advantage doesn't win the next round even with said advantage.
2). The contractors are clearly the patsy's. Maybe they'll advance to the finals sometime, but I'm not watching more episodes.
3). USA! USA! USA! Not surprised they win.
On the highly suspicious side- killing two targets with one shot. Yeah, I get the insinuation is that the explosion did it. Tell me, what kind of half assed "challenge" makes that possible? They show off their bruises after the close combat challenge. Yeah. Like what would happen if someone got pegged in the neck. Or can you say "Brandon Lee?" A bulletproof shirt underneath the clothing is in order and it sure looks like a scripted event.
I liked what I read when I googled 'Ultimate Soldier Challege fake'. One comment said, "Yes, these days everything on History Channel is fake".
1 Star for being the lowest you can rate. One star for not being the worst "reality" show ever. 2 stars total.
The Deadly Spawn (1983)
I Don't Want To See A Movie Like This
When I used to go to the local Mom and Pop video store I would be confronted by cheap pieces of film disguised as entertainment such as this. One look at the cover tells you all you need to know. The correct reaction is "I don't want to see THIS movie!"
Bingo. If you're like me, that is incomplete. I don't want to see this movie. I NEED to see this movie. I will do whatever it takes to buy this movie which I am now enjoying on my copy on VHS with the oversized case.
A labor of love produced on a $30,000 To $50,000 budget backed up by a serious love of old time schlock cinema.
Ted Bohus did graduate to some better budgets, such as Vampire Vixens from Venus which via friendship with Fred Olen Ray did include Michelle Bauer in the cast, but this work including nobody you ever heard of is one of the best cult movie classics you can get a hold of.
As usual with reviews of this type of movie, do not expect high art. Just turn you brain off and enjoy the ride.
Slipping Into Darkness (1988)
I remember this movie now
Confident that nobody will ever read this and care and emboldened by the single non-user review link not working I offer a too long description of how this review comes to be.
I'm pretty sure I was sent this movie by Joe Bob Briggs to review for the Joe Bob Report. It doesn't really matter, I just started to recognize I had seen it before and like a bad memory of past trauma it came back to me.
The basics are, it is a relatively forgettable film. There's lots of waiting for something really interesting to happen that never materializes. Even the hot chick from Waxwork is not enough to get motivated for spending too much money for it.
This is currently showing on Impact cable TV, so since I had to concentrate on it for my Joe Bob review I will spoil the one good scene. Just in case I'm wrong and somebody does stumble on this review.
So these two psychos have a bit of a disagreement near the end. Psycho#1 driving the farm equipment gets fed up with psycho#2 whining and pulls out his gun, shooting off #2's finger. Angered, but not disabled by shock or blood loss, #2 pulls out a switchblade and throws it into the forehead of #1. Angered, but not killed by taking a knife in the brain....
And that's enough. Just in case you like to suspend belief in the laws of physics and want to see how it plays out. That says a lot about what you're getting yourself into. A switchblade is not balanced for throwing, the loss of kinetic energy would not let it penetrate the skull-maybe you can stab someone directly through the skull, but not a thrown knife. And then even as dumb as psycho#1 is portrayed to pull it out. "Nyah! Nyah! You missed all my vital spots!"
For the record I enjoyed this a lot more the first time, but that was nearly thirty years ago and there was alcohol involved.
Blackfish (2013)
Powerful and Compelling
The first of the several times I've watched this I realized that it moved me because as an owner of pit bulls I am disgusted that animals have been mistreated for human entertainment. And there is no doubt that there is an overwhelming amount of evidence that there is no such thing as a truly happy killer whale in captivity.
I do think I have a couple of spins different from the critical reviews I've read i want to share.
First of all I actually love to debate animal rights, especially when it gets to the extreme point of defending eating a salad instead of a burger, because the cow has a soul and therefore rights. This is scientifically indefensible. By definition an animal is a multi-celled (no bacteria) heterotroph (eats something, no plants). So the debate inevitably generates into why people would think insects as animals wouldn't have rights when puppies do. And there are lots of other animals PETA probably doesn't care about, but by definition are animals. My favorite example is the lamprey. Hair-splitting.
That being said it may seem strange that I would be motivated to become an advocate of Seaworld being shut down. The real reason not to abuse animals is because it's just plain stupid. My pit bulls have been perfectly loving companions and should be considered "just another dog." I've treated them better than just and decent. Spoiled.
Secondly, the fraud and lies. Seaworld's cover up of the reason for Dawn's death. The whale pulled her into the water by her ponytail because he thought it was a toy. During a live show with the security cameras running. When a court case came about and you could have shown your footage to support your side Seaworld's defense was magically absent of any footage supporting their side. Really?
Seaworld claims that the animals live longer in captivity? Really? It's like half the life span or less. I think it's easy to postulate that a killer whale living 90 years in the wild with their families is a lot more fun than being put in a too small tank with no stimulation and dying before forty is a lot more fun.
This is from the Net - Seaworld has taken out advertising time to claim that the documentary is not accurate and misleading. Really? If you feel that strongly about your side, in this litigious society you didn't slap the makers of this with a lawsuit?
Director Gail got her ducks in a row for this. Seaworld has no good answers. Which is why as mentioned a couple of times that it's mentioned Seaworld declined to comment. She didn't have to make an advocacy spin. She didn't have to say, "Go to PETA's site and make a donation." She just needed to present the facts and the overwhelming amount of evidence to support the conclusion that logical and decent people would come to.
This is the best documentary I've ever seen. It opened my eyes to something I never knew before.
Batoru rowaiaru (2000)
Ridiculous
OK, let me get this straight. People are all gushy over how great this movie is because of it's originality. This is the groundbreaking movie that influenced the pitiful Hunger Games with it's own skeleton filled closet of things that don't make any sense.
Artistic license only goes so far for defying the laws of physics. If it's not a fantasy film where magic can explain away things that don't make sense you really should be more careful. My low rating is based on ordering a steak dinner and being served Ramen noodles.
Let's start off with the random bags that have different weapons. Naturally the guy with the pot lid has been cheated and is doomed. Except naturally there is a scene where it conveniently comes in handy as a shield. But the real kicker is the crossbow and shotgun that wouldn't fit in these bags without showing them bulging at the ends because the weapon wouldn't fit.
Poison the food to knock off one of your opponents. Not a bad idea. Especially when it's magic poison that kills almost instantly. And it doesn't just kill instantly, but makes the victim spew gallons of blood. Terrorists are lining up at Unsafeco to find this.
Some lucky guy's random weapon is an Uzi or some other automatic weapon. It's cool to fire that weapon. The two year olds that love this movie crave the carnage. And in a scene where one single bullet would finish off a wounded opponent he pumps a clip into her. Obviously because as later scenes prove this is an unacknowledged magic gun that has an unlimted supply of ammo.
I'm supposed to think that the evil people who evacuated the island have monitoring capabilities so the reports of the deaths (in exact order) can be made. OK, could be from the collars. Some idiot left a computer behind that is not monitored. Because if it was the impressive array of soldiers making sure the kids won't get away without playing by the fight to the death rules would have instantly latched on to the bomb ingredients he typed in (gotta type, there are microphones in the explosive head collars) would have swooped in and stopped that.
Maybe that's because this impressive array of military play by our rules force is obviously plastic toy soldiers with a plastic toy helicopter at their disposal.
I've been shot! Energy...draining...dying...cough...ugh...must climb...onto...sofa. Oh look a cookie! Let me eat that and with my dying breath declare what a great cookie it was. It must have had a variation of the blood spewing instant poison where he expires immediately after scarfing it down.
Resident Evil: Afterlife (2010)
What a Bloody Mess - it just makes no sense in spots
In a post apocalyptic world one might tend to think that basic necessities such as food and water would make it to the top of ones hit list. From the opening Alice clone attack it's obvious that what working class survivors are left are manufacturing ammunition. Lots of ammunition. Lots of magic ammunition that automatically reloads itself.
It's obvious that one pair of clones are simply mirror images. A blatant and cheap looking way to save money on the special effects.
Also, other than food and water it is obvious the ruby red lipstick and hairspray abound as Milla never looks the slightest bit disheveled. I am a fan of a hot, gun-toting babe looking her finest, nut a lack of lipstick and the occasional smudge would be more realistic.
Up next is the aircraft graveyard when Alice goes to Alaska to search for Arcadia. The final two craft are helicopters parked underneath trees. This does not make sense since I have it on good authority that after their 1985-1987 border skirmish trees and helicopter rotors do not get along to this day.
And did I mention the lipstick? Ali Larter's Claire character is introduced looking much more normal considering the circumstances and probably badly craves some lipstick. We are shown a device that Alice removes from her cute little tummy that may be important to the plot. Natch no mention is made of it again unless it was film that ended up on the cutting room floor.
The feral Claire is tied up and thrown into the back of the plane that is powered by he same automatically fuel reloading technology as the ammo.
Did I mention the lipstick? After a particularly unbelievable on the roof plane landing we proceed to the main setting, a prison that a small group of survivors has holed up in. One of the few things that makes sense, Fortified prison walls would be more zombie proof. This prison comes complete with the same magic technology as it still has running water. Miracuously Claire's brother has survived and is being held prisoner in the prison - yet not in a prison cell. By the time of their reunion Claire has cleaned up nicely and has the requisite magic lip coating.
In order to get the action going we have the introduction of one huge axe wielding boss zombie. Can't have those pesky survivors stay holed up where it's safe.
In a last ditch attempt to improve their chances versus the impending released by Mr. huge axe zombie a failed attempt at procurement of a huge armored vehicle the group and removal of the plane as an option (from the roof that is obviously too small of a runway by the resident evil sleazebag human) the group is forced to take to the sewers to reach Arcadia. By now we know this is a ship that has acquired Time Lord technology and is much larger on the inside than the outside.
Resident evil human sleazebag has miraculously survived crashing the plane onto the Arcadia and has teamed up with the over the top uber-villain from the initial Alice clone attack at the beginning.
Long story short - good triumphs over evil because it's nicer in one final magic ammunition display and a "Whoa, I never saw that planting the bomb in the uber villain.s plane" Yes, this is sarcastic.
Numerically the rating I give is basically a 1 out of 10. Add another point for Milla just because she's hot. Add another half point for the Ed Woodian laughter and another half point for the, "Oh well, did you really expect high art?" factor.
Godmonster of Indian Flats (1973)
Why are there so many lukewarm reviews?
This turd doesn't deserve so many medium reviews. This is an awful movie that takes itself way to seriously, which catapults itself into the realm of should be so bad it's funny, but it's not.
I'll skip the obvious crap pointed out by others.
I've done a bit of research on Frederic Hobbs. All four of his movies have a common theme. I dropped some acid, by some strange means came upon a camera, got his friends together since he didn't have to pay them and made a "movie".
If you're going to have a part of your plot revolve around yellow phosphoruos creating a lame man in a suit costume, please have the smoke be yellow instead of red.
If you're going to have an unconscious enbryo being nutured, please don't have it grunt in pain.
If you're going to tie in multiple story lines, get some continuity.
If you are going to have someone jump up from their seat in a jeep make sure the jeep has enough space to hide the person.
In the opening one of our plucky main characters walks into an empty casino, puts in a single coin and wins what looks like $200 and apparently everything is right with the world as the casino is magically filled.
I could go on and on. And I can't believe I watched this a second time.