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Reviews
Evidence (2012)
I detest the 'Found Footage' genre...
But I enjoyed this one. It is a mix of The Blair Witch Project and F. E. A. R. 2. It is a very short picture, which, as soon as it hits the 40 minute mark, is non-stop and frantic. I can remember the director stating on the IMDB message board section - before it closed in 2017 - that the film's budget was something in the region of $10,000. I personally believe they created a solid picture for such a tight sum - hence my rating of 8.
No Time to Die (2021)
James Bond will not return
Look, James Bond simply does not work in the 21st Century because Hollywood doesn't have the guts to let the character loose. He once possessed the traits of a psychopath; a killer; and serial womaniser, but that is now considered a toxic mix - hence Bond has been diluted over the years. There is zero edge to him; an edge that has been missing since Pierce Brosnan was chastised as a 'relic' in GoldenEye (1995). This film is no different. Bond is still whipped of his characteristics and dull. The box ticking cast has been laughable during Daniel Craig's tenure. Oh, and Q is a hómósexual. This franchise is in the hands of the wrong people. I'm so glad this hollow and wimpy series appears to be over.
Army of the Dead (2021)
Army of the Dud
Not for me. I am more than capable of leaving my brain at the door so I can enjoy a bit of zombie action - but I found this picture a real chore to sit through. I found myself zoning out around the 60 minute mark - with the film playing quietly in the background as I typed away on my laptop. I also find Zack Snyder to be a bit of a wet blanket as a director too - particularly with this film. For example, the majority of the men in the squad have been nerfed, i.e., drained of fortitude and machismo. A stark contrast to the female characters who appear to possess all the aggression and tactical nous required to appear competent. It's become a bit of an action film trope now - tiresome to say the least. I also found the ''melodrama'' incredibly forced and poorly executed too. A better alternative to AotD, if you enjoy the action-horror genre, would be: DAWN OF THE DEAD (1979); ARMY OF DARKNESS (1994); FROM DUSK TIL DAWN (1996); BLADE (1998); PITCH BLACK (2000); DOG SOLDIERS (2002); or LEFT 4 DEAD 1 & 2 (video game).
Presumed Innocent (1990)
Basic Instinct
Yeah, I'm aware BASIC INSTINCT (1992) went into production 24 months later, but one's own 'basic instinct' can solve this legal thriller without much difficulty. That said, I am no armchair sleuth. When I watch a mystery or thriller I am not particularly adept at guessing who the assailant/murderer is. Just to prove how (recently) oblivious I can be, I had zero clue the paranormal investigator, Charles Cameron, in the film GHOST STORIES (2017), was Martin Freeman until he removed his latex mask. And judging by the reviews on IMDB it appears everybody knew it was him before the big reveal - everyone except for me that is. But here, in PRESUMED INNOCENT (1990), I knew who the 'bludgeoner' was within 30 minutes. So how did I guess the identity of the culprit I don't hear you ask, well, the numerous lingering camera shots for a start; and the innocuous bits of dialogue which were mean't to represent humdrum husband-and-wife chitchat but in fact telegraphs who the guilty individual is. For instance, as soon as I heard Harrison Ford utter the line: ''Thanks for always standing by me'', it was obvious who the killer was. Talk about on-the-nose. The only time I doubted my judgement was 5 minutes before the conclusion when the camera slowly pulls away from Ford's character as he calmly washes the hatchet in the basement sink. I can remember thinking to myself: ''Flippin' heck, did I get this wrong?''. But then... BOOM, I was correct.
P. S. - I just want to briefly state how good Brain Dennehy and Raul Julia are. The former is at his explosive best; and the latter is as smooth as silk. Both outshine Harrison Ford in every scene they share, but maybe that was a deliberate choice from the director to portray Ford's character as a bit 'wimpy'.
Ready Player One (2018)
Turned it off after 30 minutes
Another film featuring a stuttering & socially awkward male (Wade), and a overly-confident & ungrateful female (Samantha). Bored to death of this trope now. The product placement masquerading as a ''world of product placement'' was contemptable too. Spielberg hasn't made a decent picture since Shaving Ryan's Privates. A load of old shíte.
An Inconvenient Truth (2006)
An overblown set of predictions
This documentary reminded me of that crazy person, you know, the one you see in the shopping precinct waving a 'THE END IS NIGH!' sign and uttering passages from the Book of Revelation.
Because predicting the end of the world is nothing new. It has been going on for centuries. And we're still here.
In the late 60s and early 70s, there was an (in)famous Jewish environmental activist called Ira Einhorn. He pumped out the same rhetoric predicting famine, death and destruction by the year 2000. He co-founded the annual Earth Day event and was thoroughly anti-American. He also murdered his girlfriend in 1977 and hid her decomposing body inside a trunk within his apartment for 18 months.
Always be suspicious of people who predict global destruction from the weather. They are unhinged. I certainly won't be lectured to by a condescending film crew that will consist of communists, elitists, sociopaths, and a politician.
So, don't forget to recycle you plastic bottles and continue to pay your green taxes, while China construct their 4th power station of the week. What a farce.
The Gentlemen (2019)
This is why I'm glad I own a chipped Fíre Stíck
Because if I had paid for a cinema ticket, I'd have felt it was money not well spent.
Right, where do I begin... Well, I'll start with McConaughey. He played his role far too straight. He was completely deadpan. Not at any point was there a twinkle in his eye. His wife, Rosalind Pearson, wouldn't look out of place on the set of EastEnders, what, with her obnoxious attitude and aggression. So, as a duo, I was completely detached from them. I certainly wasn't hoping they'd survive being eliminated by their foes. In fact, I was hoping they would come a cropper.
I felt the boxing club lads - who recorded their exploits - deserved some punishment for pinching McConaughey's plants and equipment. Yet it was their coach, Farrell, who had to face the consequences of the boys' actions. Yes, he put himself forward, but the lads got off far too easy. I'm guessing the boxing lads were not challenged due to them being (majority) black. Because if you have McConaughey's (majority) white henchmen pasting them AND the Chinese outfit, well, it might appear a little racist. I wouldn't have thought that as a viewer.
I also recall reading a review which stated if you take your eyes off the screen for one moment you will lose track of the script. I have to say, I didn't find the picture complicated at all. Not at any point did I feel I wasn't aware of the motivations. I even büggéred off around the 70 minute mark to change my bedding without pausing the film and returned to it without any problems.
It is unlikely I will watch this again. It certainly doesn't have the snappy dialogue or the lasting appeal of Lock, Stock and Snatch.
Hostiles (2017)
Hostile smoshtile
I am not an 'Old West' scholar - and nor do film inaccuracies spoil my viewing - but I know when I am being misled with political correctness.
*spoiler ahead*
I have to say, the conclusion had my eyes rolling when the director has Bale and Pike coming together and, get this, adopting the Red Indian kid! Haha.
Once Upon a Time in... Hollywood (2019)
Just not feeling it
I enjoy history. I enjoy seeing it replicated upon the screen. I just didn't gain any enjoyment viewing this picture.
The cast is fine - particularly Brad Pitt who I feel has got better with age. The cinematography is good and I genuinely felt I was observing a slice of the late Sixties. The problem, however, is the dialogue. It is yawn-inducing. The pacing is slow and the story is incredibly uneventful. I also found the narration a strange addition too.
Just to highlight how tedious the picture is, I honestly cannot recall any dialogue. The only 2 scenes that I can remember - from the 150 minute running time - is Bruce Lee and the flamethrower. That's it.
The picture is certainly worth 1 watch; but it is unlikely I will ever revisit it for a second viewing. I'm just glad I watched it online because I would feel disappointed if I had paid for a cinema ticket.
Fighting with My Family (2019)
Chav Rocky
What a truly horrid family. Imagine having to live next door to this insufferable bunch.
The actress who plays Saraya-Jade Bevis, aka, Paige, is too cute and intelligent - hence she does NOT resemble (the real) Bevis in the slightest. It is a completely fictitious account. However, inside the ring, she appears very assured when performing as Paige (Bevis' ring name), so I'll gladly pass over some deserved credit for that.
The problem I have is the family evoke zero empathy. They are trash. They possess zero manners. Zero education. Zero decorum. They're the loud family in the street that won't stop shouting, swearing and revving the car engine at all hours. I think every working-class street in the UK has a family like this. I know I do.
The scene where Bevis' brother, Zack, starts a punch-up in the pub because he is jealous with rage over his sister's success may very well have happened in real life, but it is a sure misfire when trying evoke sympathy from the viewer. The guy is clearly a dangerous scümbag and should not be pitied.
If you would like to see the REAL LIFE Bevis family, might I suggest you watch THE WRESTLERS: FIGHTING WITH MY FAMILY on YouTube, so you can get a true glimpse of how they really are.
P.S. - In 2017 - and omitted from the film's timeline - various footage and nude images of Bevis were placed online. I feel this error of judgement gives you a real indication of how truly (un)professional this female wrestler really is. Gross.
Shazam! (2019)
Irritating superhero
I made it just past the 1 hour mark and then deleted the tab. Yeah, that's right, I watched this online. I'm so glad I didn't part with my cash to see this at the cinema because I found the actor who played Shazam! incredibly irritating.
I mean, the Billy Batson character, who, although is a bit of a loner, is a very self-assured teen, yet when he turns into a superhero he is a stuttering mess. The 2 characters are meant to be the same person, yet they did not share a single personality trait. It was all very distracting - hence I couldn't finish it.
Hellboy (2019)
Hellbore
It's official. Hellboy 2019 is a certified box office bomb.
I believe the picture suffered studio interference during the shoot and it shows. There is zero scene cohesion and the editing is all over the place. It really made for uncomfortable viewing. You'd think the action sequences might at least be entertaining, but I found them incredibly dull to sit through.
The dialogue and accents simply did not flow and the CGI was occasionally ropy - especially during the giant/ogre fight scenes.
I wasn't daft enough to pay and see this at the cinema. I waited for a decent copy to appear online. I won't allow the studio behind this stinker to be supported with my hard-earned money.
Slaughterhouse Rulez (2018)
Zero entertainment and poorly produced
Blimey this was a poor effort. I genuinely zoned out around the 40 minute mark.
Everything was just so flat and uninspired. I mean, where on earth were the jokes? I didn't laugh or smirk once, and I wasn't even in a bad mood, well, not until my attention dissipated because I realized I was onto a stinker.
Michael Sheen looked really out-of-place and appeared to be doing an impression of Rik Mayal. Simon Pegg would pop in and out of scenes whilst sporting an unbalanced upper-class accent. And Nick Frost never said or did anything funny. I guarantee, though, the latter 2 actors will be deeply embarrassed about producing this turkey. It is very amateur.
Let me also state, the reviews that head with: '10 out of 10!' and ''Hilarious!'' are 'shills'. Because no movie-going member of the public with an ounce of credibility would label this picture as such.
I will provide you with a more entertaining selection of British horror comedies: AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON (1981); DOG SOLDIERS (2002); SEVERANCE (2006); THE COTTAGE (2008); DOGHOUSE (2009); COCKNEYS vs ZOMBIES (2012).
Child's Play (2019)
Why are horror remakes so utterly devoid of dread?
The pictures they replicate were produced in a time of non-digital technology; a time were film grain possessed a rawness which added to the horror, which, in turn, created an environment of uneasiness. The new digital format, to me anyway, nullifies any visual tension and threat because the imagery appears too polished.
So when you pair a non-scary script with a non-threatening glossy look, you simply have the making of a dreadless horror movie. Child's Play (2019) suffers with this.
The following selection of horror remakes bear the same non-threatening production when compared to the original:
The Amityville Horror (2004); The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2006); The Wicker Man (2006); A Nightmare on Elm Street (2010); The Wolfman (2010); Evil Dead (2012); Poltergeist (2015); Pet Sematary (2019).
Simply stick with Child's Play (1988). Yes, it has aged in places; but the film balances the tongue-in-cheek moments and its nasty streak to perfection.
Men in Black: International (2019)
Meh in Black
It's clear the producers of this dud thought: ''Hey, I know, the kids love Marvel, so why don't we borrow a couple of superhero actors to be the new face of our reboot project. We can't lose!" Well, you can lose; and you did. Because this is an epic stinker.
When the project simply relies on a name/reputation, i.e., Hemsworth/Thor, and not about content, then one is asking for trouble. Pop this picture on the 2019 bomb pile because these men are gonna leave the production cost in the red.
Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves (1991)
Robin Crud
This film is dreadful.
The geography and history take the píss. Absolutely zero swashbuckling and adventure. Terrible accents and melodrama. And Kevin Costner is woefully miscast.
However, there are a few laughs to be had courtesy of Alan Rickman.
I particularly enjoyed the line: ''Just a minute. Robin Hood steals money from my pocket, forcing me to hurt the public, and they love him for it? That's it then. Cancel the kitchen scraps for lepers and orphans, no more merciful beheadings, and call off Christmas''.
Apparently, Rickman felt the script was poorly written and declined the part of the Sheriff of Nottingham, so the director allowed him to adlib the majority of his dialogue to get him on-board the cast. Yeah, that's how bad the picture is.
Godzilla (2014)
Plodzilla
How on earth can one make a boring monster movie? Well, Gareth Edwards did just that. The King Of Monsters only appears for 9 minutes within his own movie (120 minute running time) which means we're left to observe crap actors with zero chemistry and appeal. If you haven't seen it, simply head over to YouTube and watch the Godzilla highlights, which cuts out the civilian banality. Thank goodness Edwards turned down the chance to direct Godzilla 2019.
R.I.P.D. (2013)
C.R.A.P.
Easily 1 of the worst pictures I have ever had the displeasure of watching. Ryan Reynolds - who is hit and miss - has clearly been restrained by the material; and Jeff Bridges - who I enjoy watching - mumbles throughout the whole running time.
I had absolutely zero idea what the motivation of the characters were. I mean, what on earth was going on? It was such a by-the-numbers CGI fest too. It's obvious the studio wanted this to become a franchise, a la M.I.B., but thankfully it was a critical failure and tanked at the box office.
Only the most cretinous of human beings could even consider this entertaining.
I really hope the people who scripted, produced and directed this hot túrd are attacked by killer bees.
Arrival (2016)
Yeah, I get the plot...
Now what?
So Banks (Amy Adams) has memories of a future not yet occurred.
And?
Is this happening with any other individual who has come into contact with the aliens?
I mean, where is this story going? Is it a personal take on a wider experience?
The CGI was great in its subtleness and the acting was measured; but the story failed to ignite in to anything punchy.
A very muted watch.
Desenterrando Sad Hill (2017)
Blimey, this was dull
It is because of my interest in cinematography - and of course The Good, The Bad and The Ugly - why I watched this documentary; and yet I found it to be totally unengaging. I have patience in abundance but I simply could not get comfortable viewing this picture. How on earth can a documentary be so devoid of enthusiasm and entertainment when it is detailing one of the most stirring film scenes ever captured on celluloid: The Ecstasy Of Gold.
The Predator (2018)
Predator peaked in 1987
Pros:
- The Predator design
- The Predator movement
- The ''Super Pred''
- How the Predator(s) pilot their spacecraft.
Cons:
- The adaptation of Alan Silvestri's 1987 score didn't fit well because it accompanied underwhelming action/non-action sequences
- A female biologist going toe-to-toe with a Predator - just fúck right off!
- Boyd Holbrook is a massive pansy
- The final confrontation is incredibly unsatisfying.
Summary: I've no desire to watch this again. The picture is missing a true action lead; and only peaks interest when a Predator is on-screen. It's just too wimpy as an action flick. No doubt the kids will love it - especially the (cute) Predator dog.
Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom (2018)
Man, this is an absolute stinker!
What's the name of the film when a research team and a group of armed mercenaries transport a batch of caged dinosaurs to the mainland resulting in a bit of mayhem? Oh, I've just remembered... The Lost World: Jurassic Park. Because that's all this picture is. A spruced up version of that.
I managed to sit through 1 hour 46 minutes before I closed the tab. Yep, that's correct. I watched this türd online. And a good job too. Imagine if I handed over my money to view this. I'd never forgive myself.
Before I go, let me just describe one terrible scene that attempted to gain my sympathy...
Pratt and Howard escape the volcanic island on a boat and observe a Sauropod whimpering as it's engulfed by ash and lava. Howard is seen to have tears running down her face like she has just witnessed a puppy receiving a kicking. Fúckín LOL!
The Meg (2018)
The Meh
I enjoy 'Killer Animal' films: Alligator; Jaws; Long Weekend: Razorback; Rogue - even the gormless Piranha 3D. But this, THE MEG, was really shít. No thrills and no gore. The kiddies will lap it up.
Kill Bill: Vol. 2 (2004)
Masterpiece? LOL!
I watched this for the 1st time last night on television (11 May 2018).
Pros:
- Michael Madsen receiving a grilling from his boss
- Mei's temple training
- Daryl Hannah was hot as hell.
Cons:
- Uma Thurman possessed zero grace and poor sword-wielding skills. She stomped about like Brigitte Nielsen in Red Sonya
- She also cannot act
- The long-winded (and equally annoying) speech made by David Carradine as he prepared a sandwich for his daughter
- The dialogue was yawn-inducing. Stop droning on and get to the f_ckin' point.
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (2005)
I switched the film off at 1:00:24
Because it bored me rigid. The cast was mostly horrid: Tim from The Office couldn't muster any enthusiasm. Sam Rockwell is just plain annoying. The bird who resembles Katy Perry is utterly vacant. And the black fella ends up melting into the background after his promising start. I think 60 minutes is more than enough time to judge if a picture is entertaining or not. Avoid at all cost.