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zjweiner
Reviews
Ice Twisters (2009)
You can't write it any better than that.
Let us begin our journey in a small town in Oregon. And by town, I really mean set of open tents in a field. This dramatic backdrop can only lead to unbelievable suspense, and the movie doesn't disappoint.
The character whom I sympathize with the most is the first character to die (within the first five minutes). Unfortunately he misses the rest of the movie, to his great loss. On the bright side, though, the actor who portrays him probably got great close-ups of the action (heart-pounding!), and you really can't put a price on that.
Charlie Price is portrayed by Mark Moses, who, like his namesake, parts the seas of confusion throughout this epic film. In the inaugural ice twister, Charlie's insight and wit are fundamental in fighting through the subterfuge brought on by the government, and he also rediscovers the love of his life, who kind of looks like a cross between Moses's wife and Jesus.
The FSF (Federal Science Foundation) vans help give the audience a glimpse into the convoluted mind of director Steven R. Monroe, who, unlike his namesake, was not a president. (Footnote: James Monroe was 5 ft. 4 inches tall). The countless plot twists and turns leaves the viewer as dizzy as if he had just been sucked into one of the ice twisters himself.
The buckwild dialogue relies mainly on dramatic pauses and oftentimes the buckwild lack of dialogue. Samuel L. Jackson* plays an incognito role as the assistant to the main nemesis, Frank, mysteriously left without a last name. Matt Damon, protruding into the film frequently from the other side of commercial breaks, really helped bring a note of lightness to the often quite grotesquely ginormous sexual tension present amongst any combination of two or more characters at any point in the film. (Spoiler: there is a three-person hug which does NOT lead to an Eiffel Tower scene.) Once again, SyFy has created an instant classic, following the footsteps of their last ice/rogue-science-gone-bad/government blockbuster, Ice Spiders. To wrap up, I won't tell you not to get your loved ones any other presents this holiday season, but this movie's presence on your DVR just might be enough.
*Dion Johnston is actually merely a poor man's Samuel L. Jackson, but a personal recommendation is to watch the movie and mentally substitute Samuel L. Jackson any time Johnston is on screen.
Ice Spiders (2007)
Serious Warning...
This is a warning to all the other elderly people who thought they were getting a nice, relaxed romantic comedy when they sat down to watch the misleading-named "Ice Spiders." This is not a walk through the charming world of ice carving, as I had hoped. No, this thriller set off my pacemaker and almost killed me through pure adrenaline. One of the most fantastically heart-pounding films of the last half century by far.
Patrick Muldoon is a heartthrob and nearly impregnated my infertile wife just through sheer testosterone levels exuding from the television. There should really be a warning of some sort for that kind of thing. Also, I read later that his female co-star and even some of the spiders were impregnated too.
My children continue to tell me that the movie is "fake" but that hasn't helped me sleep for the past six weeks. I have recently been released from the hospital after being tenuously convinced that ice spiders are not real. Unfortunately, I live next to a ski resort (which is also next to a secret lab) and I'm pretty sure I've heard spider mating calls recently. I know what they sound like thanks to the movie. (spoiler) I've started carrying fire extinguishers with me, as I know that they are the most generally accepted form of giant spider protection. I hope to recover from the trauma someday.