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Reviews
Poor Things (2023)
A glorification of pedophelia
I simply cannot understand all the hype around this film. I didn't know much about it going in but decided to give it a shot because of all the rave reviews. I tried to keep an open mind but I couldn't get past the appallingly perverse premise of the film and was ultimately unable to even finish watching it.
It started out interesting enough with the idea of an infant brain being transplanted into the body of a full-grown woman, and watching the main character experience infancy and childhood for the first time in an adult body.
But then things quickly go off the rails when this toddler brain starts experiencing the sexual instincts and desires of the adult woman's body, and the film becomes all about this child trying to satisfy these urges through masturbation and promiscuous sex with adult men.
I get that this was supposed to be some kind of enlightened, empowering story about the main character's sexual awakening unhindered and uninhibited by the societal norms and expectations placed on the rest of us from a young age; especially here in America.
But I could not get past the idea that even though the main character has the physical appearance of a grown woman, I was actually watching a child being preyed on by adult men throughout the film. I'm sorry, but there is nothing beautiful about pedophilia and the fact this reality was lost on so many viewers and critics is astonishing. The only reason it got a 3 instead of a 1 is because I did actually appreciate the cinematography and the costume/set designs but the subject made this film unwatchable. Hard pass.
Winnie-the-Pooh: Blood and Honey (2023)
I no longer enjoy movies
I wish I'd have read the reviews before wasting my time on this dumpster fire. I wasn't really expecting it to be good to begin with, but I tried to go into it with an open mind and give it a fair shake. I thought I'd at least get a few laughs out of it. Wrong. I found myself angry, bordering on physically ill over how poorly this movie (I use that term loosely) was executed. It ruined what could have been a cool adaptation of the classic children's character by taking itself way too seriously, and it may have ruined movies in general for me. From the script, to the costume and set design, to the cinematography; everything was abysmal. The plot holes were abundant and the character development was non-existent. Literally every character was stupid and unlikable, and I found myself actively rooting against every single one of them. How someone already green-lit a sequel is beyond me but at least I'll know better than to waste my time on that one. Fool me once...
Dexter: New Blood (2021)
Were we watching the same show?
How did this reboot get so many positive reviews? I loved the original run of Dexter, save for a couple character deaths and the terrible series finale. I honestly only watched New Blood in hopes the writers would use the opportunity to give viewers the ending we should have gotten the first time around. Now, having wasted nearly 10 hours of my life watching this whole dumpster fire of a reboot, I wish they would have left well enough alone with the first garbage ending.
The first incarnation of the show had a plausible storyline and decent writing, but that all went out the window with this reboot. So many plot holes and leaps in logic, it's maddening! How am I supposed to buy that some nobody police chief from some podunk 3-person PD, who's probably never even worked a homicide, is somehow such a prolific detective she only needed like 5 or 6 episodes to arrest and charge Dexter as both a murderer AND the Bay Harbor Butcher - achieving more than the FBI and/or Miami Metro (LaGuerta aside) were able to manage in 8 full seasons? Give me a break!
Literally nothing good happens in this reboot. And I get what the writers were going for with Dexter's character development and story arc. I even get why he had to die, as much as I didn't want him to because I had hoped he would go on ridding the world of terrible people forever. As much good as he was doing, his actions directly contributed to the deaths of so many good people, and he ruined the lives of countless others. But the manner of his death? Come on! Harrison is messed up enough from watching his mom's murder as a baby and growing up without a dad because of Dexter's selfish actions. But his final act was the most selfish of all. Who does that to their kid, and how is Harrison supposed to recover from that? Intentional, again, I know. But would it be so hard to give the viewers a happy ending (or at least one that doesn't end so tragically) after the way they dumped on us in the original finale?
Honestly, this whole season just felt like a cash grab; just one more studio trying to cash in on the recent reboot craze. I'm a little disappointed that Michael C. Hall and Jennifer Carpenter were willing to attach their names to it. While I can't do anything about the fact it exists, I'm sure going to live the rest of my life pretending this reboot never happened.
The Matrix Resurrections (2021)
Total cash grab
The first Matrix was pretty iconic; from the premise, to the action sequences, to the special effects. But if I'm being honest, I could have done without either of the first two sequels. Having seen the first three films, though, I watched this one almost out of a sense of obligation more so than an actual desire to see it.
Turns out my reservations were spot on. This movie was completely unnecessary, in that it did nothing to build off of or enhance the story told in the first three films. The ending of "Revolutions" left viewers with a sense of finality that didn't even warrant a fourth film.
Not only did "Resurrections" fail to add anything to the existing storyline of the franchise; it also totally cheapened the story established up to that point. The first three installments were centered around the idea of Neo being "The One." For three movies we came to know Neo as humanity's only and best hope for breaking free of the machines. Now this film comes along and all of a sudden Trinity is apparently also "The One?" So now they're "The Two?" LAME. And the totally senseless and unnecessary recasting of Morpheus and Agent Smith? Garbage.
This movie may have been okay as a stand-alone film for those unfamiliar with the existing trilogy. Unfortunately for those of us who've been around since the beginning, it just comes off as a shameless cash grab from a studio and production team looking to make a quick profit off of today's reboot craze. While it may have revitalized a few careers or given a boost to some just starting out, I'm definitely a little disappointed in Keanu Reeves for making this turd of a film given all his recent success. But I think my biggest beef with this film was the arrogance with which the studio and production team openly advertised what they were doing with the idea of the pointless reboot/sequel, by speaking to it directly in the film using Neo's game as an analogy. While I wish I could have that two and a half hours of my life back, I'm just glad I streamed this dumpster fire from home on HBO Max instead of wasting my hard-earned dollars at the theater.
Bad Candy (2020)
Bad Candy? Bad movie.
Somehow I led myself to believe this movie was going to be like another Trick'r Treat, so I was pretty jazzed when I found it for $4.99. Turns out I overpaid by about $4.99. Everything about this film was a hot mess. The acting was atrocious, the storyline was impossible to follow, and the special effects were anything but special. I get they were shooting for that campy, cheesy B-movie feel that encompasses a large portion of the horror genre. Unfortunately, they missed the mark entirely and the result is five bucks and 15 minutes I'll never get back. That's right, I only made it through the first 15 minutes of this dumpster fire. I've quit on very few movies in my life but this one makes the short list. If you're thinking of watching this movie, don't. Do literally anything else - taxes, timeshare sales pitch, colonoscopy - anything.
Cinderella (2021)
Much better than the ratings imply
I don't understand all the negative reviews. Is it cheesy and cringe-worthy? Sure. But it's meant to be that way. Plus, it's a fun new adaptation that sends the message that a girl's happiness isn't solely dependent on a man, and it's okay to be ambitious for things other than just romance. It's a very good message in the age of #metoo and women's empowerment. Plus, it's got a pretty good soundtrack. It won't win any Oscars but it's a fun watch for the family. Ignore all the haters.