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Gemini Man (2019)
You know what? Too many reviewers want you to admire just how cynical they can be. For me, that's self indulgent and lazy. Where's their sense of childlike wonder at a story, their ability to believe in the impossible and allow their imagination take them away and out of their hypercritical lives? Just sit back and watch in awe as a tired of killing assassin finds himself stalked by a clone of himself....It's fast paced and the visual effects are excellent.
So go and immerse yourselves in a film because you WANT to be entertained and not because you want to prove how cynical you can be to others after.
The Dark Tower (2017)
A great hoot!
Firstly, I'm one who has never read a book in the series this film draws from.
Like MILLIONS who go to the cinema, I had no idea of who or what this "Gunslinger" was or is.
Those fans of Stephen King who know all the history and details of the series of stories would do well to realize THEY are in the minority and this is just a good old fashioned Good versus Evil hoot.
If you are expecting a Lord of The Rings type treatment of King's books, be prepared to be, obviously, disappointed.
If you are looking for a flavour, an interpretation of those beloved and revered stories then sit back and enjoy.
However, if it's escapism and danger you want, then watch with an open mind.
The choice is yours!
An excellent hoot!
For an industry in its infancy, this action, adventure, revenge film by the Filipino film studios is fun from start to finish. The storyline is simple, ex assassin gets discovered, her family are attacked and she returns to being the killing machine she once was. The mix between English and Filipino languages is quaint rather than annoying and I ended up hoping there is a MARIA 2. Ignore the moaners who feel too superior to give this film a decent chance, sit back and enjoy the roller coaster ride!
Atomic Blonde (2017)
How in any way positive is this rubbish empowering for women? Totally unnecessary sex scenes for some prehistoric reason to get bums on seats? Do me a favour! The pacing is dull as ditchwater and somebody should take Charlize aside and tell her you don't need to emulate John Wick/James Bond to be considered "equal" in the adventure/thriller stakes. James McAvoy is awful as the undercover hammed up (is he evil or not) spy. An OTT performance from an actor who should know better.
There are times when you'll want to shout out "Stop this nonsense!" Theron is as convincing as a kick-ass operative as stick thin Angelina Jolie was in "SALT" Suspension of disbelief is one thing but you'd have to be lobotomized to believe she could REALLY get the better of any or all those enemies.
I only wish I could have had a remote control with me to fast forward through the tedious moments (there are many). Go see and enjoy it if you like your fun dull and spoonfed with a dash of cliched sex.
Mortal Engines (2018)
Dreadful main character
Sorry...I'm 55 minutes in and I want Hester Shaw dead. To be honest, I pretty much wished for the same less than five minutes after she first appeared. Absolutely NO empathy, love for or interest in this moody brat. Visually, this film is a feast but the characters, so far, are devoid of anything that might hold my attention. It's the prospect of Hester Shaw surviving right until the end, and beyond, that made me give up on the story By all means, watch it for yourself, but you have been warned.
Overhyped and pointless
Depressing from start to finish. Eastenders comes to Ireland. Nothing more to add.
How It Ends (2018)
The ending is just fine.
Oh my, don't some people like to be spoonfed?! Without spoiling the ending, try and ignore all the bleating and moaning some critics would have you believe. It's up to you if you want to suspend your disbelief when you choose to watch any film, correct? This film is not a documentary. I found it atmospheric and suspenseful...you KNOW that "something" has happened and it's the two lead characters who take it upon themselves to travel across country to find another.
They encounter others along the way who pose as a danger/hindrance and/or threat. Also they meet up with others prepared to help....and so the film plays out. Too many critics attempt to decry a film to make themselves look more important than the film itself. I suggest you switch on, switch the cynic off and hitch a ride on an uncertain future where you've just got to keep on going no matter what lies ahead...the answers may never come but that's life for you...Enjoy!
Oh NO...More stupid punk hairstyles!
Yet ANOTHER lazy, cliched, absolutely pathetic view of the future. As soon as I saw the first punk hairstyle, the whole film was destroyed and all credibility lost. Don't waste your time seeing this as the make up and costume departments, writer, producers and Director all bailed out and couldn't be bothered to use ANY imagination whatsoever.
It incenses me beyond belief that nobody involved in this said "NO!...NO MORE PUNK HAIRSTYLES!"
Throughout the 1950's, nigh on ALL Sci-Fi movies had spacemen in SILVER outfits. How many astronauts in REALITY who went to the Moon wore silver?
EVERYONE in the MAD MAX series of films had bloody silly hairstyles with no explanation whatsoever HOW they cut, blow dried, coloured/dyed, and maintained those cuts in a future without electricity and or dyes or shampoos.
It is SO lazy to not even consider (and thereby be unique) how men and women without even hot water could achieve such fashion. It is so stupid!
Just look how much the budget was and how much the film made! If only somebody could've used a different way of showing a dystopian world and the people/survivors who inhabit it!
I need to lie down and I suggest you all do the same and AVOID this steaming pile of poo from affecting and infecting your brain.
7 Guardians of the Tomb (2018)
So bad it's wonderful!
Take a bevy of actors and give them an awful script with risible dialogue and you get this...a small group overacting and running around an old Star Trek set. Stef Dawson's character 'Milly Piper' could've died after she first open her mouth as far as I'm concerned, she's THAT bad. The quest to find a lost brother is their aim, except for Kelsey Grammer's Mason who is really trying to track down the elixir of life...bwah ha haaaa (twirls imaginary moustache). The main threat to their journey is hundreds upon hundreds of deadly spiders who appear to be made of black shiny leather and can hiss and squeak...Yes, you read that right...hiss and squeak.
By all means, watch this, suspend all disbelief, let the film wash over you and drown in its ridiculousness. It's a real hoot, soon to be considered a classic amongst godawful movies that you can say "Yes...I sat through that film and survived." Now go and enjoy!
Momoa was a brave 'un to do this film with a straight face.
Jason Momoa fits the bill as a beefed up Jason Statham in a cold environment. Here, he appears as a solid dependable guy whose job is logging in what appears to be Alaska. He has a wife and child and a father who is in the early stages of dementia....Into this mix is added a worker who has a sideline in transporting drugs for the bad guys...in hollowed out logs.
Anyhoo, bad weather conditions create an accident to said worker's rig on a drugs run which forces bad guys to cross the path of dependable Mr Momoa.
That's it...Good guy gets his hands on the drugs and then it becomes a game of cat and mouse to see who gets on top and who ends up with the merchandise. Lots of snow, running in snow, climbing and clambering through snow, fights in snow and plenty of blood spilled....in the snow.
As long as you switch your brain off and go with the flow, it's all pretty standard fare....you won't have to be a brave 'un to sit through this as you'll be smiling at all the "as if" moments...Enjoy.
Acts of Violence (2018)
Acts of Overacting
I was less than 20 minutes into this when I wished every character was trafficked and when approached, Bruce Willis's cop would say there was no chance of them ever being found. The End.
I go to the hills for the sound of gunfire...
Hilariously bad. A lame excuse to show a heavy breathing woman kill lots of men on a mountain whilst an incredibly hammy female plays "the hostage" to a specky villain who appears to have absolutely no reason for being on the mountain with 22 mercenaries plus one henchman in the first place!
NO character development, just killing, killing and guess what...yes, more killing of token baddies leading to a final showdown between Mr Villain and the eponymous heroine. Oh, yes, the action comes thick and fast in this short film but it hardly explains WHY it happens at all! Leave your brain in the foyer and forget the popcorn, you won't have time to catch your breath....ridiculous.
First Kill (2017)
I couldn't take more than 32 minutes.
Apologies, but 32 minutes was about all I could manage and even then, that was almost 30 minutes too much. Hayden was wooden from the off and every additional character only added to this wood-fest. The dialogue is truly awful and the non-connection between the family makes it impossible to believe they have ever spent more than a couple of minutes together. Willis must've done this for the money only. His Donald Trump way of speaking, that is making your mouth like a tiny butthole, just looks silly and was neither brooding or menacing. The music is very intrusive and does nothing to help out the obvious plot. Boy, does the whole thing drag! This is a movie worth crossing the road away from the Cinema for. Mind you, if you want unreal dialogue and acting this is for you.
The Assignment (2016)
I say stop moaning and let it wash over you...
**(MASSIVE SPOILER)** How is Ms Weaver supposed to have killed anybody with her fingers missing?! Or could it be explained by saying she is supposed to have killed others, got shot and THEN chopped off her own digits? SURELY having no fingers gives credence to Ms Weaver's assurance that there was somebody else responsible for killing all her bodyguards? This is, for me, the biggest error in the whole movie. That's apart from the melodramatic and wooden performance by Sigourney of a poor man's Hannibal Lecter. Michelle Rodriguez is a beautiful woman but sticking a beard on her does not a convincing man make! There is much to criticise about this movie but hey...I say stop moaning and let it wash over you. It's great hokum and for the actors involved? It pays the bills...go ahead and enjoy a thoroughly bad but enjoyable hour and a half!
In a Valley of Violence (2016)
Karen Gillan is truly awful in this truly awful film
Don't worry, there will be no spoilers in this review....Having seen and endured the hammy acting of Karen Gillan before when she just spoke the lines of Amy Pond (a character in the TV programme Dr Who) whilst acting in a petulant manner ALL THE TIME, I didn't have high hopes for her performance in this movie. I was not disappointed.... Karen is an actor who suffers from what all poor actors suffer from...The character exists in the head but the face and actions portray nothing of depth and so all we see is a person in a costume, speaking words a writer has provided, without any realism whatsoever. A one-dimensional character with NOTHING behind the eyes. (Having been a Director myself for many years, I've seen my fair share of 'nothing from the neck upwards' performances). As to the film, is it whimsy or a serious attempt at bringing a revenge story to life? I'll leave you to decide that. I wanted to comment on Ms Gillan's unbelievable acting ability...and that is said NOT in a good way. All she does is spout words, guess what....yes...in a petulant (again) spoiled brat manner. You see, performing in a Theatre production can be compared to a surgeon working with a scalpel, TV and Film work (for the actor) can be compared to a surgeon working with a laser...it HAS to be soooooooo precise as the audience are so close to all the action and the face is in incredible close up. Karen Gillan can be compared to a surgeon working with a machete...clumsy, ugly and creates a bloody mess. Not that Ms Gillan is physically ugly....Certainly not but she is awkward and obvious, there is no precision, no finesse, no belief in who she is conveyed to the audience. It's my belief that she was so popular in Dr Who because she was written to play somebody who wasn't afraid to answer back, to ignore others' thoughts and push her own forward, men were idiots and beneath her. In THIS film the only difference is that she daren't speak out too much for fear of abandonment. Anyhoo....I say " Good Luck " to Karen Gillan with her career as a model. At least she would not be expected to speak.....
Code 8 (2016)
Great potential. One to watch and cheer on.
This 10 minute taster shows great potential of being a crowd puller. I'd suggest you ignore reviews where the reviewer is trying to portray HIS views as being the only one to go to and accept. THAT is more about the reviewer's desperation to being noticed than the film he's supposed to be reviewing. The premise of this film is simple...a dystopian world set in the now where " mutants " with special powers are suppressed, oppressed by a draconian Police force backed up by drones and robots keen to kill if any step out of line and therefore find it hard to make a living and get out of the poverty trap they find themselves in. The cinematography, choice of shots, dialogue, direction and acting all knit neatly together. The 'Special Effects' are very good and the storyline engages you so from the start you're rooting for the underdog. Not all of the Police are brutal though and it'll be interesting just how being a Cop with rules clashes with the need to reach out and understand the plight of those classed as different. I can see parallels being drawn to refugees who just want to fit in but face opposition from those with a nimby* ( not in my back yard ) attitude. It appears that the crowd funding site reacted well to the idea of this project as it received $750,000 when only $200,000 was the target. Now a full length film is coming together. Good luck to those involved and yah boo sucks to you to the self-promoting me me me reviewers...It's not all about you...so stop moaning and allow the audience to make their own choices. You're there to guide and inform...not give a bad review just because you CAN.....
Iron Sky (2012)
Absolutely dreadful....DON'T be suckered in !
A truly DREADFUL movie. The script stinks and the actors are obviously ill directed. This whole self indulgent mess should have stayed a dream and never, I repeat, NEVER have made it beyond an initial thought. It really should have stayed a dream because what we are subjected to in this movie is a bloody nightmare! It is NOT funny...at all. Do you all know the fairy tale of the Emperor's New Clothes ? Where everybody felt they HAD to say how wonderful and handsome the Emperor looked in his new suit ( which was actually absolutely nothing...he was naked ) and where it took a small child to shake the people of the land out of their zombie like trance, STOP their sycophantic mutterings and realise that they AND the Emperor had all been conned....Likewise, regarding THIS film...DON'T fall for idiotic critics who proclaim this awful movie as good just because they have no idea HOW to sum it up and by praising this utter sh*t, they push the public to accept it and give it cult status....IT'S NOT GOOD...IT IS A TRULY DREADFUL MOVIE.....By all means watch it, then use the experience to warn others of how movie makers can get it seriously wrong at times and IRON SKY is one of those times.
Although it is written the way it is, I found this film to be incredibly annoying. The situations are farcical and far fetched....but not in a good way. Never before have I watched a film that gets me screaming at the screen " Just shoot them !! " so often and with such passion. 9's out of 10 for THIS film ? Perleaaase ! Get real.....a FOUR at the very most !! I had NO sympathy with the 3 robbers and the guy who is unwittingly coerced into being part of their activities. They ALL needed shooting and I came away from this feeling sorry for Vinnie Jones that he had to put himself through this pile of do-do. If you intend watching this, be fully prepared to shout at the screen like I did. Enjoy, if you like to be wound up !
Battle Beyond the Stars (1980)
Brittle Beyond Belief
This is a truly dreadful film, actors ( ha ) leaving massive pauses between dialogue, awful special effects and a risible script. So WHAT that this pile of rubbish had a limited budget....That's no excuse for ridiculous performances, totally unbelievable characterisations and dialogue. For all that, it will probably attain cult status for BEING so bad. John Boy's spacecraft is shaped like a 3D womb, very bizarre I must say !
The plot involves trouble in the form of John Saxon ( he of Enter the Dragon alongside Bruce Lee ) a bully boy, planet stealer/destroyer throwing his weight around. Unless the planet surrenders to him within one week, he will return to set it on fire......making you wonder what's the point. John Boy, a human amongst androids, picks himself to save the planet by recruiting anyone who can fight, seeing as he doesn't like to. Escaping from the under threat planet, he meets up with enough to recreate The Magnificent Seven ( including a bored looking and space weary Robert Vaughan who WAS in that film too )....The pacing of BBtS is all over the place but mainly painfully S-L-O-W......
I recommend avoiding this altogether unless you want to spend 104 minutes with your jaw on your chest from shock at how this ever got to be made or from yawning your way through it......There is a third way of watching this but it entails you WANTING it to be as bad as possible....in which case, you will NOT be disappointed.