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The Black Phone (2021)
"Wow. Wow. Oh my God. Wow. Wow"
That was my response for about a minute after watching this masterpiece.
I went into this movie knowing only three things about it: It was tearing up the festival circuit; It was based on a story by Joe Hill; and Scott Derrickson (Sinister; Doctor Strange) wrote and directed it.
Finney Shaw is a shy and smart kid who lives in North Denver in 1978. Five boys have gone missing from a serial killer dubbed "The Grabber". Finney becomes the sixth boy to be kidnapped but he must fight back before he becomes just another victim.
There. That gives away just enough without ruining anything.
I saw this tonight with my twelve year old. She'd seen the trailer and wanted to see it - she has the horror bug. After the movie she was crying. She wasn't scared. She was emotional.
The movie is so multifaceted that it doesn't play out like a horror movie most of the time. That being said, there are some decent jump scares and the special effects are well done.
I thought the acting was decent. Nothing was over the top and there are some genuinely funny parts to it. Ethan Hawke is such a versatile actor and he's downright creepy in this. Mason Thomas, who played Finney also did a great job and I hope he gets some great roles after this film..
The star of this movie though, has to be the script. The story is so well written and the isolation and survivalist aspects of the film are both amazing.
In my review for X, I've called it the best horror movie of the year so far. While I love that movie and it's so good, this one just completely dethroned it. Seriously.
I'm also brazen enough to say that this film deserves a best picture Oscar nod. It's just absolutely incredible.
I could heap praises on this movie and Mr. Derrickson's efforts all day. This movie is completely next level.
After you read this, stop what you're doing and go see this movie.
I cannot recommend this enough.
Satanic Panic (2019)
Delightfully absurd
The title of my review says it all. Everything about this movie is ridiculous and I enjoyed every minute of it.
The best part, for me, was when the Charm Of Making started. I didn't recognize it at first, but once I realized it, the absurdity went up another level.
It's silly, campy, over-the-top, and lots of fun.
Recommended
4/5.
Turtle Island (2013)
I took one for the team
Daniel slept with Kathy - his best friend Tim's girlfriend. He gets into a fight with both of them and doesn't want to talk about his girlfriend Daisy. Recording a documentary, he reveals his plan for the "ultimate reality show" - Fiend Finders - and reveals that he's going to try and find Bigfoot.
Right off the bat, the acting is terrible. I understand that it's supposed to be a documentary, but they're not being themselves. It's a "scripted normality" (if that's a thing) and the way they carry themselves doesn't reflect real life. Plus, not one of these characters are likable. There's a lot of relationship drama behind everything. Unfortunately, it's not engaging enough to keep the viewer invested.
Throughout the movie, clips are interspersed into film showing a traumatic event involving the four of them. Daisy seems to be at the center of it. There's no time stamp or explanation. Plus, the clips are just there. There's no distortion to show you that it's something different (like when Cloverfield does it). These clips are part of a different story, but if you're not keen enough to realize this - which I wasn't at first - then it can get confusing.
Also, if I'm going to be critical here, research pays for itself in dividends when doing a project like this. With Found Footage, the audience will receive a movie with its believability. The Blair Witch Project, Paranormal Activity, Cannibal Holocaust, Butterfly Kisses, Be My Cat: A Film For Anne, Curse of Aurore, Delivery: The Beast Within, Hell House, LLC - all of these have a degree of believability that latches on to the imagination of the viewer. This is relevant because Turtle Island is located in Vermont.
I have no problem with this, however, belief in Bigfoot is a major thing. There are some communities that will fine you up to $10,000 for saying that you killed a Bigfoot (or Sasquatch, if you prefer). These communities are in the Pacific Northwest. In doing some research, as of 2020, Vermont had 10 sightings per 100,000 people. There are 4 states with a lower ratio. So why Vermont was chosen, I don't know.
Also, the storytelling seems very non-linear in the beginning. Daniel yells at Kathy (Tim's girlfriend) for mentioning Daisy. Honestly, all of these women have a very strong resemblance. I seriously thought that story had jumped around for a little bit.
At some point in the clips with Daisy, she gets tortured to the point of having all of her fingers removed. However, none of this is shown in the movie. If you feel that I'm giving away too much, that's the point.
Of the many problems that this film has one of the biggest is that the characters are introduced almost a half hour in and it's an awkward introduction for everyone. Plus, there's no rhyme or reason for the documentary interviews. - of which there are three. Is it about Bigfoot or relationship issues?
There is nothing remotely creepy or scary about this. The woods CAN be creepy, but so can an old house. Far too often, it's not what the story is about, but how the story is told. David Wexler plays Daniel. He also wrote and directed it. Mr. Wexler, if you read this, please take to heart what Alfred Hitchcock said. He was asked what three things are essential to making a good movie. His response was: The script, the script, and the script.
For a movie that's supposed to be about Bigfoot, there's no mention of the lore or history of the cryptid. It's also kind of misogynistic that the two girls are in one canoe paddling to the island while both guys are in another. Of course they make the stupid decision to have two of them switch in the water and one canoe capsizes.
It would have made the guys more sympathetic if the canoes were coed. Because they were same sex at first, that of course led to more drama. It seems that the drama among the cast is meant to be the main plot point. Ultimately, the main focus should have been the documentary about Bigfoot. Instead, we get relationship drama about four characters that we don't care about and have no redeeming value whatsoever.
I'm a firm believer that character builds story. These characters don't have a chance to develop. It's just BAM! Relationship Drama BAM! Filming A Documentary! BAM! Vermont! BAM! Relationship Drama!
At the 57:16 mark, something interesting DOES happen, but with just over 20 minutes left in a movie that doesn't really have anything to offer, it was too late at that point.
As it turns out, the interspersed clips have the majority of their events played out at the end of the movie. If this is the case, why have them popping in throughout the film? Removing those clips would have left more room for character development and plot supposition.
The best part about this movie was my homemade chicken salad wrap with tomatoes and romaine lettuce. The chicken was seasoned nicely, the tomatoes were fresh and juicy, and the lettuce was nice and crisp. It actually almost tasted like another one.
It's too bad that it didn't last throughout the entire movie.
The Gracefield Incident (2017)
In what could have been great, we get something that's almost good.
Matthew and Jessica are on their way to the hospital. Jess is pregnant and they're going to their second ultrasound to learn the sex of the baby. Matthew is recording a video journal and in the midst of it, they get T-Boned.
The accident causes Jess to miscarriage, but also takes out Matthew's right eye.
One year later, Matthew is installing an iPhone camera into a prosthetic eye to record a party over the weekend.
Along with two other couples, the weekend excursion is at Matt's boss's house. His boss is letting them use it as part of recovery for Matt's accident. He's also a conspiracy theorist/trapper and built the property to catch a sasquatch.
Matt's friend Joe brings along his new DSLR camera and is also frequently recording.
During the party, a meteorite hits and Matt and Joe go to investigate...
That's essentially the jist. Mathieu Ratthe wrote and directed what could have been a brilliant movie. Instead what we got was something that was almost good.
The acting was at times forced and wooden. Other times it wasn't terrible. The plot involved stupid people doing things they shouldn't be doing - like sticking their arm in a strange meteorite. There seriously could have been a better catalyst for everything. The ending was a bit disappointing as well. It wasn't badly written, but I felt it was badly delivered.
That being said, there WERE some good points in this. The movie involves aliens (not sasquatch), and we only truly see the alien at the end (see my previous statement). The scenes where the alien is involved have great tension and deliver some pretty good jump scares.
Also, the direction is done really well. The cast may not have done a great job, but Mr. Ratthe has his vision and I only hope he improves. Also, the production values were very good for being a low budget film.
As some people know. I've become a fan of found footage movies over the years. The best in recent memory were Chronicle, The Frankenstein Theory, Diary of the Dead, and of course, Cloverfield. With a little more refinement this could have joined that group. In fact, this could have worked out as a Cloverfield movie. If it had a bigger budget...who knows?
All in all, the bad in this outweighed the good. The potential to be great is there. Mr. Ratthe just needs a little more time and the right support behind him.
Frankly, I hope he gets it.
The Room (2003)
Quite possibly the worst thing I've ever seen
Ne day when I was at work, I was having a conversation with a coworker about bad movies. The "best worst movie" Troll 2 (known internationally as Goblins) came up. He mentioned a movie called The Room. I told him that the movie "Best Worst Movie" was made about Troll 2 and has the distinction of being "the worst". He then went on to tell me about the (then) upcoming movie The Disaster Artist, which chronicles the making of this shit storm.
He told me about the movie itself and I was compelled to see it. I've read about it on IMDb and Wikipedia and it sounded awful. I made it my mission to see this.
I finally procured a copy and I'm now indulging in it as I write this. Where can I possibly begin?
There's a sex scene just after the four-minute mark. Everything else is almost laugh-out-loud bad. The acting, the music, the grunting and moaning. Everything.
It's difficult to write this because the writing in this is beyond anything I've ever experienced. Calling it atrocious would be kind. To top it off, the camera goes out of focus periodically. Apparently, nobody bothered to check the lens, so this is a thing.
My God. Seventeen minutes in and so far there's been nothing but some minor dialogue and two sex scenes. Both scenes have horrible music and at the second one, the actors voices are dubbed over the music. You hear HIM say "Oh Lisa", but they're KISSING. This is like a bad porn movie from the early eighties (not the sex, the music).
I have over an hour left of this appalling film. Check this out...I LITERALLY have to use a thesaurus because of how mind-boggling terrible this is.
I'm pausing it at times to get my thoughts straight. Back to the bad sex scene.
The lines are forced and the "acting" is wooden.
Wow. Fuck me.
I appreciate Tommy Wiseau wanting to write, direct, produce, and star in his own movie. Independent filmmakers are among the people that I look up to the most. The greatest of them all is Roger Corman. He is (as far as I'm concerned) the Patron Saint of independent filmmakers. He's produced over 400 films, directed over 50, and turned a profit on almost every one (give or take a dozen or so).
Tommy Wiseau is the modern day Ed Wood. That's actually an insult to Mister Wood because at least he had vision. If he had the budget that he needed, his films would have been science fiction masterpieces and not the schlockfests that they are.
Robert Rodriguez (like Tommy Wiseau) financed his first film independently. That was a little film called El Mariachi. That got so popular that it spawned two sequels (Desperado and Once Upon A Time In Mexico). Robert Rodriguez is FUCKING AMAZING. I may not be a fan of everything he does, but HE KNOWS WHAT HE'S DOING!!!!!
Fuck! Only twenty minutes in.
Okay, who in their right mind orders a pizza with "half Canadian bacon and pineapple and half with artichoke and pesto, light on the cheese"? Do these people even know what pizza is? An argument can be made for the bacon/pineapple, but who puts pesto on pizza? Maybe it's a thing and I'm being too critical.
Apparently, much of the audio was dubbed which leads to the audio being out of sync.
What the hell is this movie about? So far, it's been her having sex with two different guys, some pizza, and some horrific dialogue.
Sadly, for me, the BEST part of this Godawful movie is Juliette Danielle. She's very pretty and I like her topless scene. Too bad the THREE sex scenes in the first HALF HOUR were unnecessary
.
Being objective about the plot (from what I could gather), Lisa and Tommy are dating. He's her financial security and in line for a promotion. She no longer loves him and one day she gets him drunk and complains to her mother that he got drunk (he did) and that he hit her (he didn't). There's also this annoying kid named Denny who shows up at unnecessary times.
It looks like it's supposed to be about relationships, but there's NOTHING cohesive about this movie. There's a scene where Denny runs afoul of a drug dealer and the interaction with everyone is reprehensible. Lisa and her mom suddenly show up off camera and Johnny takes the drug dealer to the police, but the time it would take to actually do that isn't represented properly. He comes back about a minute later.
The CLOSEST thing I can get to a plot is as follows: Johnny and Lisa are lovers. He comes home and they have sex. Johnny's ward Denny wants to hang out with them, but they send him away so they can have sex. After he leaves for the day, she calls his best friend Mark and seduces him and they sleep together. After he comes home, they drink and have pizza, and then have sex again.
Lisa complains to her mother that she no longer loves Johnny and gets yelled at because she can't support herself. On a rooftop, Denny gets into an altercation with a drug dealer that gets interrupted by Johnny and Mark. Later on that rooftop, Denny confesses his love for Lisa to Johnny. Johnny says that he trusts her, meanwhile Lisa brags to her friend about how she's sleeping with Mark.
The way people show up in this is like a bad sitcom. In fact, a laugh track would probably make this better.
Earlier, I said that Tommy Wiseau was in league with Ed Wood. I was incorrect. The directors that are in the same category as him are: Paul W. S. Anderson, Vincent Gallo, and the infamous Uwe Boll.
Not everyone should make movies and this is proof. It's further proof that if you don't know what you're doing, you should ask for help. There's no shame in that. Pride is a bad servant and a worse master.
I feel that this review is a bit irreverent, but that's appropriate given the fact that this movie falls about fifty yards short of making any kind of sense.
Currently, I have about a half hour left and this movie has gone nowhere. There isn't a single character that I care about. The plot tries to make it out of the jumbled mess that is this movie. Sadly, there's only been four terrible sex scenes that are forced upon us. Only two are necessary for the plot to move forward and while I appreciate nudity, it's unnecessary in this. This would have been better as a made-for-TV movie on Lifetime.
The most ironic thing about this film is that there's no aforementioned "Room". According to Tommy Wiseau, the title is meant to evoke a safe place for viewers. Realistically, the BEST place for viewers is far away from this monstrous creation.
I'm giving this 1 out of 5 reasons why you shouldn't let your curiosity get the best of you.
Lore (2017)
A bit different from the podcast, but still enjoyable
I've been listening to the Lore podcast since early on. I heard about it through another podcast and decided to give it a try. I was several episodes behind but quickly caught up. "They Made A Tonic" is the first episode of the podcast (and also the first episode of the show). I was hooked after that. Personally, I can't recommend it enough (www.lorepodcast.com).
The show has some information that differs a little from the source, but it still gives a great creep factor and actually has some additional information that the podcast doesn't. The only qualm I have is that the story of Robert the Doll (Unboxed) is changed for the show. I'm not sure why this was done because the actual story (which is given in good detail on the podcast) is a bit creepier.
Solid acting and writing make this a good addition to any horror fan's collection. There are many episodes that would make for great TV and I'm looking forward to season 2 to see what they do next.
The Last Exorcism (2010)
Not for everyone, but effective nonetheless
I just got home from watching this and I really, really enjoyed it. It's definitely not a movie for everyone, but I'll save that for later...
Reverend Cotton Marcus is a disillusioned minister. He's been preaching the Word since he was a young boy and even performed his first exorcism at the age of 10. After years of being a minister he loses his faith - preaching is his job and he treats it as such. After performing many exorcisms, his faith is waned even further when a boy his son's age dies in an exorcism. Now he attributes more to science than Jesus Christ. He decides to bring a documentary crew along for his last exorcism. The documentary crew are there to show the world that exorcism is a fraud as is Reverend Marcus.
Upon opening a letter marked URGENT, Cotton and the crew head to the Sweetzer Farm where the cattle have been mysteriously dying nightly. Louis Sweetzer claims that his daughter is possessed and asks Cotton to perform an exorcism.
That's all of the plot that I can reveal. I completely agree with AICN when they say "the less you know, the better." Typically I read spoilers, but I refrained from doing that for this one and I'm glad I did. I thought this was genuinely scary and very effective.
There aren't too many special effects - some minor contortionist scenes and pyrotechnics are the majority of what we get, but it works well. We also see how Cotton plans to expose the exorcism as a fraud - I feel that's revealing too much. The camera work is jerky at times, but that's what happens when you run while filming. There is one scene where they make really good use of the camera, but you'll have to see the movie.
The acting was adequate. Ashley Bell did a really good job and was scary when she needed to be - that's all that counts. Patrick Fabian actually kind of made me angry as Cotton - but this is a good thing. His character is essentially a minister who walked away from the faith, but doesn't know anything else so he preaches for a living - not believing what he's preaching. These two stand out the most, everyone else gave a pretty standard performance.
Now onto the part where it's not for everyone. This movie isn't so much about possession as it is about demonic forces. I've experienced Spiritual Warfare to a degree and this movie was on the mark of what the enemy can do. If the movie was about a documentary crew filming an actual exorcism and Cotton's faith was where it needed to be, this would have been on par with The Exorcist. However, that's not the case. From my experience with Spiritual Warfare, I looked at this from the perspective of "what would I do if I were in his shoes?" That made the movie much more effective and scary for me. Not everyone can or will look at it from that perspective and may not like it. It's very slow and the scares don't start until pretty late - they're effective nonetheless. The ending might throw some people off, but I think it worked well for the plot.
Personally, I'd recommend this.