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TheRedbanker
Reviews
The Angry Red Planet (1959)
Don't Waste Your Time
This movie is horrible. The world's stupidest astronauts take a trip to Mars.
The crew consists of characters who resemble a small-town garage mechanic, a cheap Humphrey Bogart impersonator, a Macy's perfume and cosmetics saleswoman, and the only person who could pass for an actual scientist, Prof. Theodore Gettell, played by Les Tremayne.
None of the crew understands how physics, astronomy, or radiation works. That also goes for the ground staff, including all top military brass and NASA employees.
Without a care in the world or any semblance of protection, people do things like walk up to a spaceship that they admit contains dangerous radiation levels and disregard seatbelts when taking off and landing in a rocket ship.
The only redeemable part of the movie is the very last scene where the Martians warn Earth to never again return to Mars.
From what I gather, the Martians were more disappointed than I am with the results of this movie. I guess it's because we didn't send out the best on the mission. Who knows...
The Affair (2004)
The Simp and his 304.
Jean is a beautiful but selfish woman who doesn't appreciate her comfortable stay-at-home lifestyle with her fairly affluent architect husband Paul. She lives in a luxurious cliffside home in Los Angeles, CA. Curiously a home that remains sparsely decorated even after years of marital habitation.
Rather than be grateful for what she has with Paul, Jean decides to begin an affair with a trailer trash hoodrat named Viggo.
Jean decides to bring the vagabond Viggo into Paul's home to have sex. When Paul arrives before the dirty deed can begin, Paul and Viggo get into a mild tussle. But no blood is shed. Later Jean and Paul argue over the state of their marriage. Jean tells Paul that she feels "suffocated" from their relationship but seconds later tells Paul that his home doesn't truly belong to him because he is barely ever there.
Jean must have been feeling dizzy from her whirlwind affair and forgot that Paul is barely home because he's out working all day to pay for her luxurious freeloading lifestyle. But I digress.
Paul proves to us that he's the ultimate simp when he starts begging Jean to come back to him after she decides to move into Viggo's trailer park abode.
Paul's business partner is also a spousal loser who encourages Paul to keep simping to Jean instead of letting her go.
Paul then does the unthinkable and invites Jean, Viggo, and Viggo's other side-piece chic into his well-kept home to continue his sad simping plan to try and get Jean back.
Paul even allows Viggo to spend the night in his home, in the guest bedroom with Jean!!!???
But, before the night ends somehow Paul and Viggo end up in the same room when Jean and the side-piece chic kick Paul out of his own bedroom. As a result, Paul and Viggo end up having a kind of bros before 304s moment and seem to call it a truce.
In the morning at the breakfast table, Jean tells the entire motley crue she's pregnant, causing Paul to say he won't pay for the child's upbringing and for Viggo to say that he will suddenly get a job. I'm guessing something he probably hadn't considered would be personally beneficial since he was an 11-year-old paperboy.
Side note: If anything like this ever happens in real life, a dude who simps this bad must have his male card revoked. Immediately!
I couldn't take anymore of this crap and had to turn it off there. SMH. The End (for me anyway).
The Vast of Night (2019)
Too much talking!😣😫
I couldn't get past the nonstop chatter between the two lead characters. If that's the way people endlessly ran their mouths in the 50s, I'm grateful not to have lived then.
The endless blabbering in the first 18 minutes ruined it for me, and I forgot why I started watching and turned it off. Two seconds never went by without aimless dialogue.
If you like mindless chatter, this pic is for you.
The Flesh Eaters (1964)
This 60s era flick is mainly a snoozefest.
A group of people gets stuck on an island with flesh-eating bacteria and a mad scientist.
This beatnik-era sci-fi has a musical score and linguistic delivery style. Especially after Omar (Ray Tudor) arrives on the scene. Boring Americana hero type (Byron Sanders) has all the answers as usual, and the stereotypical damsel in distress (Barbara Wilkin) and older worn-out starlet's (Rita Morley) singular motivation is to have relations with said bland hero, more than saving their own lives. The Villain (Martin Kosleck) is heavily German-accented and can't be trusted right away, only for being German, I guess. (turns out he's a WWII Nazi) At least Barbara Wilkin looks excellent in her bathing suit.
Water (2019)
Not Exactly Award Winning.
If this movie isn't the worst ever made, it is 100% sure to be a strong contender. But, I am sure that it is the worst movie made in the 21st century, thus far. And it will be tough to beat. Trust me.
After a couple of murders take place in a home, many mysterious happenings occur. Oh, what's the use??! Just avoid this idiotic flick at all costs! The End.