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Reviews
Ninja Academy (1989)
Awful, awful, awful!
As a part of my quest to watch every ninja movie I could get my hand on, I viewed this last night. Apparently released as a five-years-too-late cash-in on the Police Academy craze, Nico Mastorakis, who also brought us Glitch! and .com for Murder, saw fit to put Ninja Academy on the screen. The movie flagrantly combines the idiotic wackiness of the Police Academy movies with the kind of directorial judgment you'd expect from someone with advanced Alzheimers, not to mention one of the doughiest, most idiotic villains ever seen in a martial arts film. The movie has about the kind of humor usually aimed at second graders, but boasts too much nudity and dirty language to be shown to them. Which leaves me with the theory that this movie must have been created for adults with mild to severe mental retardation.
Fortunately, most of the people associated with this film have gone on to careers in the food service and janitorial industries, save Mastorakis, who inexplicably continues to receive funding for his films. Avoid unless you hate yourself.
BachelorMan (2003)
I don't know what these other reviewers were smoking...
...but can I have some?
I scored a screener from a friend, and watched it one night when I had nothing better to do. I guess the movie's not actually awful, but it's about as funny as a sprained ankle. It starts out promisingly enough, with some easy (but still funny) sex jokes, but quickly loses its spirit and just gets dumb.
Deluise is likable enough, and tries his best to work the hammy script, but the troll who played his friend just drags the movie down. (I see here he's a writer/producer on the film, so I guess that explains the casting.) The actress who plays Heather (recognized her from Galaxy Quest) is sexy and intriguing, but isn't given much of a character to develop. Which, I suppose, is typical of the way this movie sees women. The casting of the network suits was decent though, and I appreciated the attempts to mix up the usual romantic comedy standards with effects and animation, but the movie just falls too flat.
I have to wonder, having seen this with my own eyes: Were the other people reviewing this movie just really lacking in critical skills, or do they have some sort of vested interest in stirring up interest in this movie?
Either way, I give this a thumbs down. 1 and a half stars out of five. I recommend the Tao of Steve for people looking for a funny indie comedy about relationships.
Star Trek: Nemesis (2002)
An opportunity missed
The filmmakers took a chance and brought back the elements that made the Wrath of Khan a success, but while they followed the blueprint, they missed the intent. In fact, as many others have pointed out, they followed the blueprint for that film so exactly that Nemesis is practically a point-by-point remake of it, only with a blander cast.
Everything about this film just feels like a relic from the politically correct 90s, with the tedious wedding, the stabs at having a message of tolerance, the multicultural (read: token minorities) cast... The Next Generation managed to produce some truly excellent moments, perhaps because they didn't need to try to be everything to everyone. It was only one episode of a TV show, and not an attempt to score millions at the box office. So they could get away with goofier (yet intriguing) villains like Q. But here, in order to fill the big screen, they feel the need to use larger-than-life bombast and over-the-top villains. And it fails again and again, perhaps because of poor casting choices or bad direction. Who knows? In the end, we got a substandard, uncreative film, and Paramount lost a chunk of money in the process.
Strangely, though, I don't feel that I've wasted my time having seen it. It's passable enough, but it's troubling for the reminder of what it could have been. You know: Better.
2 and half out of five stars.
Ying zi jun tuan (1984)
Hysterical!
But probably not intentionally so.
The fighting is outrageous. Well choreographed usually, but sped up ridiculously, with the occasional completely inexplicable effect shot thrown in the middle. It looked like a high school student film. But in a good way.
Oh, and the racial politics in this film will stun you. The white guy villain is hilariously over-the-top, and his dialogue (not to mention his bizarre pawing of the lead's girlfriend) will leave you scratching your head and laughing, possibly at the same time.
Still, the best part of this kung fu masterpiece was the dubbing. It all sounded like it was dubbed by one or two guys. The dubbing of the black sidekick was priceless! It completely failed to sound like the man playing the part.
Worth a watch for all the laughs. Not a great film, not even a good one, but a funny one!