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mikelarson479
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An error has ocurred. Please try againEdit: Robert De Niro has been removed, as I have come to realize he's been playing the exact same character - a short-tempered jerk - in every film he's been in for the past 50 years, and it turned out he was playing himself all along.
Reviews
Titanic - La leggenda continua (2000)
A God-awful, shocking, horrible piece of abomination pathetic excuse of rabbit crap... That's about the nicest thing I can say about it.
Seven years ago, I saw Jaws the Revenge. Ever since that day, I've believed it to be the absolute worst movie I've ever seen in my life. Even after watching other terrible films like Battlefield Earth, Alone in the Dark, I Know Who Killed Me, and Epic Movie, my view did not change. That is, until I became aware of this movie's existence. Like many others who have rated this movie, I was introduced to it by the Nostalgia Critic. I've been unfortunate enough to sit through both of the animated Tianic movies. But if you've seen the Critic's reviews of them, he makes one grave error: he says that the version with the giant octopus is worse than this version.
While I DID give "The Legend of the Titanic" a rating of 1 star as well, I still believe this movie is far worse. I am, sure, the Legend of the Titanic might have completely screwed up by saying that every person on board the Titanic actually lived and nobody died, but at least that movie actually acknowledged that the sinking of the Titanic was a tragedy! And at least the only movie it ripped-off was James Cameron's Titanic.
But enough about that; let's get into WHY "Titanic: The Legend Goes On" deserves all the hate it has garnered.
First off, the animation is... REPULSIVE. Yes, it's repulsive. Every image looks as if it was drawn by hand by a classroom of kindergärtners and then put together in an attempt to make some type of two-dimensional stop-motion flick. Not only that, but the animation is so sloppy that it actually looks as if someone threw up onto the film reel and then tried to clean off all the vomit with a toothbrush.
I'm not joking; the animation is perhaps the worst I've ever seen.
Second, there's the dubbing. About one in every ten words matches the lip movements of the characters. It must be the freaking' LAZIEST dub I have ever seen.
Third, there's not a single thing about this movie that is original. While the most obvious rip-off if from James Cameron's Titanic, this movie also rips off just about every Don Bluth and Disney movie ever made!
The main female character is virtually the same thing as the titular character from Anastasia, her traveling companions directly parallel Lady Tremaine and her daughters from Sleeping Beauty, there's talking geese from The AristoCats, a Frenchman named Gaston from Beauty and the Beast, a kleptomaniac bird from the Secret of NIMH, a family of Russian mice from An American Tail, a pair of dalmatians as well as a female thief and her two bungling henchmen from 101 Dalmatians, and - perhaps most shocking of all - a trio of Mexican mice that appear to be spoofing Speedy Gonzalez.
There's even this dude named "Sam Bradbury" that's an obvious rip-off of Sherlock Holmes.
This movie just spells "Lawsuit," if you ask me.
However, there is actually ONE original thing. This would be Fritz... the rapping dog. He's what this movie is most famous - or rather, infamous - for. I mean, a rapping dog in 1912? There's no end to the filmmakers' incompetence, is there?
Fourth, the dialog is just as bland and unoriginal as the characters. I said earlier that the animation looks as if it was done by kindergärtners. I'll bet the screenplay was written by them, as well! The writing is extremely, unsurprisingly predictable, and I frankly could not imagine anyone in real life saying even one of the lines spoken.
The one part of the movie that didn't make me want to vomit was this song entitled "Holding Me." I was actually quite surprised by how appealing it was. Alas, it was not enough to save the movie's image, and it isn't even in the extended version.
When the iceberg finally came along (thank God), we got to see just how incompetent the crew really was by using freaking' BUCKETS to try to clear the water out of the cargo hold. There was also the horrendous portrayal of First Officer William McMaster Murdoch. The asshole that was supposed to be him was about as despicable as they get.
Lastly, once the two main characters Jack and Rose - I mean William and Angelica - are reunited, we get to hear this obnoxious little child show us how all the most prominent characters wound up. They actually have a "Happily Ever After" segment. That was the final blow to this abomination. Having a "Happily Ever After" ending in a Titanic film is like having a "Happily Ever After" at the end of a film about the 9/11 terrorist attacks.
After seven long years, I have a new "worst movie." Even Jaws the Revenge didn't jump the shark (literally and proverbially) this much. I know that the minimum number of votes needed for a movie to be on the Bottom 100 list is 1,500. Whoever gave this move the 1,500th vote should be praised. Now it can be rightfully acknowledged as the worst movie of all time on the Bottom 100 movies list.
If you ask me, everyone who had something to do with this film should be HANGED for making this mockery. That is all I can say about them. God have mercy on their blasphemous souls!
Jaws: The Revenge (1987)
What... was... that... SCUM?!!!!
There are a lot of bad movies out there, some would argue there are more bad movies than good. Of course, that would depend on one's taste. For this movie, taste does not even need to play a factor. This movie is bad. Really bad. Some bad movies are actually enjoyable to watch in small doses. For example, look at Battlefield Earth: the screenplay is poorly-written and almost painful to listen to, the science is completely wrong, and there is no effort put into the acting. However, if you interpret it as an unintentional comedy, it can be pleasurable. There's also Alone in the Dark: Horrid script, wooden acting, but at least the visuals are somewhat nice to look at. This movie... has no redeeming value. I hate it. I hate it so much that if given the chance, I would obliterate every copy of it and erase it from history.
The first Jaws was brilliant: Masterfully-placed suspense, dedicated acting, and a crafty plot. The best part was the shark model. In this movie, Steven Spielberg was careful not to overuse the shark model so that it would look authentic. That was the main point of brilliance. The first Jaws is definitely one of the 100 best movies I have ever seen in my life.
The second Jaws was okay. It wasn't as exciting or as developed as the first, but I still had fun.
The third Jaws... almost immediately I saw things that could be improved. I thought it was really bad, definitely the worst of the three.
Little did I know that a certain abomination was lying just around the corner:
Jaws... THE REVENGE.
This may not be the worst movie I have ever seen in my life, but believe me; it's at least in the bottom five.
I'll tell just what it is about it that makes it so horrendous:
First of all, there's the actual premise: A SHARK trying to get REVENGE on humans? Okay, so the Brodys have previously killed four white great white sharks. Why would another one suddenly want revenge? And for that matter, how would it even know how to sort humans out?
You see what I mean? Just the idea itself is beyond ridiculous. But here's the actual movie:
After killing Sean, the shark actually FOLLOWS Ellen Brody from Amity to the Bahamas. Again, how does a shark track human that is not in the water? It can't!
Also, almost straight away, you notice how such little effort is put into the acting.
They also have Michael Caine. Here's what's sad: Michael Caine MISSED receiving his award for Best Supporting Actor at the Oscar ceremony in 1987 because he was busy filming THIS pathetic excuse for a film. Good lord, Michael; you should know better!
Then there's the introduction of some new characters: Michael Brody's wife, his daughter, and his Jamacian friend. All three of these characters are so annoying that I wish I could have just fast-forwarded through their scenes. But, alas, I sat through every moment of torture.
This movie is also more focused on the lives of the characters than it is on the shark.
Speaking of which, here is by far the worst part of the movie: the shark model.
This shark model is about as fake as they get. It makes the models from the Shark Attack films and the Mega Shark vs. Whatever-The-Hell movies look authentic.
It did not scare me. Not for one millisecond. In fact, only the shark from the first movie really took my breath away for any amount of time. I was too busy laughing and crying at how fake this model was. I was laughing because it was stupid, and I was crying because it was ruining the first Jaws with its terrible quality.
But there's more! The shark actually ROARS. Yes, it freaking ROARS. Guess what people! Sharks now have vocal cords!
But wait until you hear about the fate of the shark: They impale it with the bow on their yacht, and it... explodes. Yes, apparently Sharks have nitroglycerin or something for blood now.
Words cannot express how much I hate this movie. My hatred for this movie is so great that it's almost unhealthy.
People, do not see this movie. You will regret it. You will regret sitting through even one second of this sh*t fest.
If you do decide to go see it... be ready.
You've been warned.