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DjangoBlack
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An error has ocurred. Please try againThen this is the list for you. I've tried to amalgamate as many movies and TV shows based on or inspired by his writing as I can think of. If you know of any more hit me up and I'll add 'em. By the way, a lot of these movies are pretty lame or have a tiny budget, so if you watch 'em and think 'they suck' don't say I didn't warn you.
I haven't included any anime because Lovecraftian themes run quite prevalent in that particular genre. Urotsukidoji anyone? I might add them at some point but right now I'm only looking at the more western stuff.
As it happened, the task was far more difficult than I initially thought it would be, there are a lot of terrible films lurking within the most notorious of genres, and to be honest with you, thinking of 500 worth watching was damn near impossible. In fact, I'm not sure if all 500 on the list are worth a watch. Nevertheless, by drawing upon my twisted expertise, a list I have created. Oh yes my scary little friends, laid out before you are the fruits of my nefarious labour, a piece de resistance of unyielding nightmares, a Pandora's box waiting to be opened, if you should dare.
So dim the lights, hold on for your life, and join me upon a journey into the darkness to where the monsters live, mwahahahahahahaha.
As you've probably noticed the list is in date order, and although it's pretty comprehensive I might not have seen every horror film ever made. In which case if you know of a hidden gem that could possibly make the grade, hit me up.
So long fellow seekers of terror, for it is time I slipped away into the shadows, into the beyond, but remember, when you feel as though you are being watched, or you could swear something caught the corner of your eye, beware the thinning of the veil, because it only takes a second to be whisked into the night.
Reviews
El sol del membrillo (1992)
The Quince Tree Get on With It
However tempting it may be to recite praise upon ones favourite film or television program, I found myself inexplicably drawn towards something altogether far more insidious. Something dark and twisted, that only the most pompous of critics could ever heap praise upon (and when I say heap, I mean heap).
The film I speak of, correction the abomination I speak of is The Quince Tree Sun by Victor Erice. What! I sense you thinking. "I've never heard of that film." To which I reply "Thank heaven for small mercies, for those of you who have been spared the 138 minutes of sheer boredom, are the lucky ones."
Yet I also sense a murmuring of ticking cogs which grind out the thought "But didn't he make The Spirit of the Beehive?" And the answer is "Yes
he did." So how does one man create a masterpiece, only to tear it down at his next venture?
The answer is simple. Victor Erice is actually kinda crap.
No doubt the original concept was to explore the pains of creating art, and painful it is. Watching the movie's main protagonist Antonio Lopez Garcia playing himself, slave away over light positions, angles, colouration's, and any other banal necessity that goes into painting a tree, is soul destroying. Yeah, you heard that right, this ain't the Sistine Chapel, although Michelangelo does get a name check, emphasising the depths of pretension Evrice is willing to fathom.
The guy's painting a tree. A tree he repaints every year in the hope he'll be able to capture one moment of perfect beauty. Do you know what that is? Madness, pure and simple. Was it not Einstein that said " Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results?"
So there you have it. The Quince Tree Sun is not the pure homage to creating art that Evrice would have us believe. It is something far worse, something far more horrific than any slasher movie, or thriller could concoct. It's a devilish portrayal of a man spiralling out of control into madness. This is The Shining times ten, This is King, Barker, Lovecraft and Poe all mixed together to create a stunning shade of 'is it over yet?' that's smeared across the screen like Garcia smears his paint over canvas. With every masterstroke another victory for tedium.
Obviously there are some truly abhorrent films out there such as Humanoids from the deep, with it's misogynistic ideology and Salmon People. Or the depravity of A Serbian Film, and maybe it seems harsh to judge The Quince Tree Sun with such disdain. But in many ways it's crimes upon humanity outweigh those of any lowbrow nonsense. In my opinion The Quince Tree Sun's greatest crime isn't it's snails pace or lack of dynamics, but to praise itself as a love affair with art, about art, by artists
..And I can't help feeling
What a load of rubbish.
Red Dawn (2012)
Red Dawn = Crap
Red Dawn. I'll say it was slightly more crap than the original. It kinda played out like a sequel to Team America, only not funny, I mean not even bad funny. The movie was poorly executed on many levels, if not every level. Characterization = crap, acting = crap, sequences = crap, composition = crap, cinematography = crap, costumes = crap, editing = crap, music = crap, plot = crap.
Really though the biggest challenge was watching the preposterous set up, why on Earth would North Korea invade the US? For cheeseburgers, and capitalism? Would they honestly do it by parachuting in? Wouldn't the US military have just killed all those out of date, generic commie bastards with their superior technology, resources, and training? Really, would a handful of high school kids save the entire country from their small town middle America? The original was set during the height of the cold war, and people were genuinely afraid of the USSR, so at least it may have had a smidgen of value, who's afraid of North Korea? In fact I'm gonna do a Google search to find out...Google search complete - it seems only people who wear tinfoil hats are afraid of North Korea, go figure. The movie just goes way too far in expecting the audience to be able to suspend disbelief. Surly the only way to play out the above scenario is by using satire, and parody.
I don't exactly know why this film offended me to the extent that I needed to share my disgust on IMDb. I watch crappy films all the time, and it doesn't normally bother me. Maybe it's because the whole idea of America ever being the underdogs in a war is just too conceited for me to handle. Especially against North Korea, and especially when they seem to be the dominant force in so many conflicts around the globe. I guess it's the whole schmaltzy, and smug agenda of celebrating the American spirit of freedom in a thoroughly fictional premise. Somebody needed to tell the people involved in the making of the film that it's actually kinda stupid, so just have fun with it.
Don't get me wrong, I don't hate America, and I think that there are potentially many genuinely inspirational stories that can be told. Stories that embrace and promote American achievement, that truly celebrate their national identity, and the gifts they've given to the world. Unfortunately, If anything this movie debases any notion of that, and stains any sense of national pride the American people have built. Ultimately, It's shameless, pointless, twaddle.
If you're wondering why I've given the movie as many as 3 stars, then you've never seen Blood Gnome.
Well, that feels better. Next up The Patriot, starring Mel Gibson.
Camelot (2011)
Why is King Arthur such a dick?
I can't stand this version of Arthur. Sure I wondered like many reviewers whether the casting was appropriate, and it's probably not. However, it's not so much the acting that makes him bad, but the writing. I've always been under the impression that Arthur was meant to be the embodiment of chivalry. Obviously I was wrong. It seems that the legend that inspired the beliefs of an overwhelming number of European monarchs and noblemen over the last 1500 years or so was simply an utter tool. It makes you wonder what the various reformists and visionaries were aspiring too. Did Edward I think to himself "how could I possibly be a better king? Oh I know, I shall embody all the dickery of King Arthur and then everyone'll think I'm well good." Did Henry V decide "I know how to inspire my men before Agincourt, act like the once and future prick." I highly doubt it. Wasn't Arthur raised by Ector so he wasn't completely loathable once he ascended?
Sucky lead character aside there's still very little to take many positives from. The knights are more than underdeveloped. One of the great things about the Arthurian legend is that his knights have intriguing and profound stories of their own, enabling strong rounded characters. Not here though. All 5 of his knights (yeah that's right 5, he's running the whole of Britain with 5 men) may as well be turd stuffed marionettes. There's more depth on Sesame Street. If you don't believe me you tube James Blunt's My Triangle. Comparatively it's touching and emotionally fulfilling. Plus, who the hell is Leontes? They just made him up. Really, they weren't able to pick any other name associated with the knights of the round table? And who's Ulfius? He couldn't be more of a stereotype token. He has about one line in the whole season only to be killed. If they had to fill an employment quota regarding ethnic minorities there are about three Arabian knights associated with the Arthurian legend.
Obviously there are conflicting sources so I expected liberties to be taken with the story line. The problem is they've over done it. Certain story elements need to stay canonical, but they've been completely changed. By doing this it makes the story no more about the Arthurian legend than Arthur 2: On the Rocks. Otherwise just make it a sword and sorcery show that's influenced by source material. And if the shows makers claim it's their version of what is essentially a made up story, then I say their version's rubbish. It looks and feels like a children's programme, only with boobs.
Which is really the shows only saving grace, boobs, boobs and more boobs. Tons of them, swinging boobs, pert boobs, groped boobs, big boobs, little boobs, medium boobs and the occasional muff. Actually it's totally possible to play Where's Wally when it comes to lady pubes. They're not in every episode, but if you spot them in amongst the lallies it feels like you deserve a prize.
Well, I've given it 4 stars as I managed to watch every episode and I'm not saying don't watch it. I'm a sucker for sub-par programming, and to an extent it did entertain me. Ultimately it was a strange emotional ride, I detested a great deal, but Eva Green nude simply polished over the cracks.