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Reviews
Creep (2004)
Laughable dross.
Take every slasher/monster flick you've ever seen, extract all of the clichés and throw them into a pale British imitation. After the genius of 28 Days Later and Dog Soldiers, Creep is nothing short of a travesty. Utterly predictable, virtually no characterisation, no real scares, unbelievable situations and a plot with more holes than a string vest.
POSSIBLE SPOILER! This should illustrate just how awful the movie is...
The killer is a scrawny, bald guy who looks so feeble that a slow breeze might knock him over at any time. He also has very bad skin - he could really do with some moisturising cream! This entirely non-threatening "monster" also frequently screeches loudly in a way intended to scare the audience. Unfortunately, he sounds so much like "Anne" from Little Britain (eh, eh, eh!) that many people in the audience at the multiplex I went to started laughing each time he appeared! Worse than all of this is the killer's name... Craig! Come on! Who would ever be scared of an bald, anorexic guy with a bad case of eczema... who just happens to be called Craig? What next - our own Friday the 13th movie franchise, where the killer is an ex-accountant called Nigel?
END OF SPOILER!
Here's the long and short of it: if you like good horror movies, avoid this stinker. Like the police might say - "Move along, please. Nothing to see here."
Shameless (2004)
Unashamedly brilliant!
Channel 4 has brought us some pretty awful stuff in its time. But it's also brought us some real gems (like Ultraviolet, for instance). Shameless is very simply the best new drama series of the past 5 years.
***SOME SPOILERS***
This show has absolutely everything:
It's very, very funny... Frank is brought home by the police each night, after he finally passes out from boozing all night. They gently lay him on the kitchen floor - never in the lounge - because the kitchen has lino... and Frank tends to wet himself in his sleep!
It's very, very rude... How about the girl who gives oral sex in exchange for help with her homework? Or how about the homosexual schoolboy, in love with the local shopkeeper?
It's very, very sad... Fiona has given up her whole life to look after her father, brothers and young sister. She's had to give up her own dreams of going to work, having her own home and even having her own children.
Once you've learned about all of the characters you can't help but get sucked into their world of dole money, booze, kinky sex, scams and outrageous behaviour.
Well done Paul Abbott and C4 for bringing us something new and exciting. This really is addictive TV.
Stop reading right now. Go and beg, borrow or steal a video tape with a few episodes on and start watching. You'll thank me tomorrow.
Sex Lives of the Potato Men (2004)
Crude but very, very funny!
If you like the kind of crude/sick humour of shows like Two Pints Of Lager, or movies like American Pie and Van Wilder, you'll love this!
I didn't rate Johnny Vegas before seeing this movie - and I still don't think he's a particularly good actor - but he's very, very funny in this. Even Mackenzie Crook (remember how he got started in the 11 O'Clock Show?) manages to get lots of laughs.
As someone who usually hates British movies, especially British comedies, I was surprised to find this film hilarious. Easily as funny as any of its American counterparts, but somehow better because the people, places and situations and more familiar to to us Brits.
Definitely not a movie for those easily offended!
Undead (2003)
Unmissable mix of comedy, horror and sci-fi.
A superb blend of comedy, action, horror, gore and sci-fi! Lots of laughs, gunplay and a "shock" ending that's as good as anything done by Romero and co.
Other reviewers have commented on how the movie looks so good considering its small budget and I have to agree. Most of the SFX shots are very impressive and the whole movie is glossy and slick.
This is definitely one of the best horror flicks of 2003, if not *the* best. You definitely won't be wasting your time if you give this one a chance!
Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps (2001)
Possibly the funniest show ever put out by Aunty Beeb.
I can't understand why people have criticised this show so heavily because it's absolutely hilarious.
I missed the show the first time around and only recently caught a few episodes on UKTV. The very first episode I saw had me laughing so hard, I cried! I was immediately hooked and bought the first two seasons on DVD.
One of the reasons the show is so funny is that most people can identify with the basic situations the writer, Susan Nickson, looks at. In addition, the characters are all human, complete with some pretty awful flaws. Even the actors fit their parts perfectly. They're not all staggeringly beautiful and they're not the world's greatest thespians - most of them are newcomers to TV or have relatively little experience. Having said that, the main characters Donna (Natalie Casey), Janet (Sheridan Smith), Johnny (Ralf Little) and Gaz (Will Mellor) are all played brilliantly ...with perfect delivery and comic timing.
The humour is often very crude (lots of jokes about "bum love") and some of the "issues" looked at are a little tasteless (one of the newest characters has learning difficulties) but isn't this how real life is? How likely is the man in the pub - who's just sunk six pints - to hold back from telling a joke that is a little racist or sexist? How many people do we meet day-to-day that have old-fashioned views about people with learning difficulties, or hold weird misconceptions? The important thing to remember is that the show always treats its characters/situations affectionately in the end. The character with learning difficulties (Munch), for example, always ends up on top or always gets the care and attention he needs from his brother (Gaz) or other people.
If you're not easily offended and are reasonably up to date with youth culture, give it a try!
Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter (2001)
So bad it's fantastic!
This is a must-see movie for any fan of low budget cinema. The fights are badly choreographed, the blood is too obviously fake, the gore looks like bits of plastic picked out of the nearest trash can, the acting is bad, the story is full of fantastic coincidences... sheer heaven! Oddly, the music is actually pretty good - what happened?
(Spoilers) Look, if anything is going to make you watch this movie it's scenes like this... JC and his lesbian side-kick (Mary Magnum) are sneaking around the hideout of the bad guys. JC climbs down a vent (for no apparent reason) and says "If I'm not back in five minutes, call the Pope!"
Or how about a fight scene at the start of the movie where JC battles a bunch of vampires near (supposedly) a lake. As the fight goes on, he calls to his priest buddies and says "Quick, bless the lake!" - you can guess what happens next!
Or how about a fight scene where one bunch of bad guyd after another keeps attacking JC, until the park he's in is literally covered with corpses.
What are you still reading this for? Go and get this movie!