I loved Rogue One and clearly Gareth made such a killing he could spend a fortune on a story about a mystical creature that can put things - literally anything - on stand-by mode. The creature can do it wirelessly though, which I understand is pretty advanced. I think if the creature did this a few times more often though, it could have saved everyone a lot of trouble, me two and a half hours and £8.99. Still, I enjoyed having the sit-down; I'm a parent myself so I know how tiring it can be running after children, especially when they keep playing with the remote control. Tip for next film Gareth: spend a bit more money and time on the writing.
Reviews
11 Reviews
The Creator
(2023)
A story about a mystical creature that can put things on stand-by mode.
9 October 2023
Out of Darkness
(2022)
All that was missing were mountain bikes
5 March 2023
Warning: Spoilers
On the face of it, this story is about a well-groomed group of middle eastern tourists who get lost in a modern Scottish Scandinavian-pine forest and are hunted by Robin from Ghosts.
The level of personal grooming - fashionable stubble and clipper cuts for the menfolk, hipster mullets for the womenfolk and pristine dentistry - for 45,000 y.a. Is staggering.
Most of the landscape is clear of the dense forests that would have been typical at that time and when there is a forest, it's - yes - modern Scandinavian-pine with all the many ancient metres of undergrowth cleared out and nice equally-spaced Forestry Commission plantations. All that is missing here is a passing mountain bike.
A lot of time spent on the bespoke language, which I guess in theory could be middle-eastern sounding. But not as much time as has been spent on the tailored trousers and skin care.
Piercings, jewellery and tattooing of the time is missing, along with any original plot.
Also very boring and predictable scenes and story. Not scary.
The level of personal grooming - fashionable stubble and clipper cuts for the menfolk, hipster mullets for the womenfolk and pristine dentistry - for 45,000 y.a. Is staggering.
Most of the landscape is clear of the dense forests that would have been typical at that time and when there is a forest, it's - yes - modern Scandinavian-pine with all the many ancient metres of undergrowth cleared out and nice equally-spaced Forestry Commission plantations. All that is missing here is a passing mountain bike.
A lot of time spent on the bespoke language, which I guess in theory could be middle-eastern sounding. But not as much time as has been spent on the tailored trousers and skin care.
Piercings, jewellery and tattooing of the time is missing, along with any original plot.
Also very boring and predictable scenes and story. Not scary.
Warrior
(2011)
Physics teacher beats-up brother
23 October 2022
Warning: Spoilers
First 25 minutes very good, but then falls into really bad multi-sequence editing, predictable cheesy-film conventional story and bizarrely poor soundtrack. Not a well made film and not a 8/10. I reckon Hardy was using it as a body build-up for later role in Dark Knight Rises. Scene where one brother announces apology and love while the other one grunts during floor wrestle is utterly daft. Fight processes are unlike real MMA, all very comic book.
A physics teacher is skint so he goes back to MMA. At the same time a soldier goes AWOL and into MMA. They are brothers! They have unresolved sibling feelings!
It's like a cheesy Saturday afternoon TV film from the 80s.
Hardy's acting in first 25m is very good. Then nothing for him to do after. Nowhere near the talent he shows in eg Bronson.
A physics teacher is skint so he goes back to MMA. At the same time a soldier goes AWOL and into MMA. They are brothers! They have unresolved sibling feelings!
It's like a cheesy Saturday afternoon TV film from the 80s.
Hardy's acting in first 25m is very good. Then nothing for him to do after. Nowhere near the talent he shows in eg Bronson.
Peacemaker
(2022– )
Perfect
31 March 2022
This really is the perfect TV series.
I totally assumed it was going to be average.
It is not.
It is especially funny.
John Cena.
Legend.
Who would have thought.
Please note, when it says '18', it really is. Not for the kids this one.
I totally assumed it was going to be average.
It is not.
It is especially funny.
John Cena.
Legend.
Who would have thought.
Please note, when it says '18', it really is. Not for the kids this one.
Foundation
(2021– )
A giant vacuum of epic boredom
6 November 2021
Quite an accomplishment to take such great material and make it so incredibly boring. Such a level of boredom that it even obliterates the magnificent visual spectacle and talented cast. It does not matter how one may or may not feel about the original story and its characters being changed so much as everything is overridden by the endless epic boredom. All set in a giant vacuum.
The Old Guard
(2020)
Incomprehensibly bad
24 August 2020
Honestly cannot believe how bad this film is. How on earth can such a nice concept, with a great lead actor (Theron) and all of Netflix's potential be made into such complete utter drivel. Lots of boring incredibly poorly made scenes. The flashbacks are comically awful. The soundtrack is the most incongruent I've ever heard. Real waste of time sadly.
The Expendables 2
(2012)
A missed opportunity for coming to terms with mutual homoerotic desire
1 March 2020
From the outset, the handle-bar moustaches, the glistening biceps, the closeness of the male bonds and the verbal "bromance" exchanges in admiration of the "hanging" of each other's "big weapons", you can be sure to be in for a highly homoerotically-charged action movie, like none other. The desperate desire for intimacy between the characters is almost bursting through their pumped-up swollen veins throughout.
Unfortunately, none of the characters ever comes to terms with this forbidden deep corporeal desire for one another and they are thus cursed into a life of externalising these feelings as mindless violence in wiping-out hundreds of non-western people who they cannot see as real humans due to the blindness of their US imperialism and the crisis of their suppressed love and sexual desire for one another.
Such a missed opportunity to not allow the underwritten tensions come to the surface in the context of modern action filmmaking.
Unfortunately, none of the characters ever comes to terms with this forbidden deep corporeal desire for one another and they are thus cursed into a life of externalising these feelings as mindless violence in wiping-out hundreds of non-western people who they cannot see as real humans due to the blindness of their US imperialism and the crisis of their suppressed love and sexual desire for one another.
Such a missed opportunity to not allow the underwritten tensions come to the surface in the context of modern action filmmaking.
Alpha: The Right to Kill
(2018)
A compelling portrayal
28 February 2019
A compelling, critical and discomforting portrayal of impoverished lifes and corrupt policing in the Philippines.
Indeed it uses a grounded and unfussy style. And that is simply refreshing in departure from the usual mainstream US law enforcement gloss.
A film of critical realism and unapologetically so.
Indeed it uses a grounded and unfussy style. And that is simply refreshing in departure from the usual mainstream US law enforcement gloss.
A film of critical realism and unapologetically so.
Murder Me, Monster
(2018)
Misogyny monster
26 February 2019
Warning: Spoilers
A story about a big fat misogynist who has a toothed fanny for a heid and an over-long curly penis and who - not surprisingly - has trouble developing intimacy with women.
Like most misogynists, he finds the only way he can connect with women is to treat them with abhorrent and shameful violence.
Even most of the macho-philosophy-cops in the film find themselves puking-up, sickened by fanny-face's violence.
In the end misogyny monster is left on his own, wailing in a beatifully filmed atmospheric landscape, endlessly trying to find a therapist, as no doubt the Director is too.
fanny = Scottish slang for 'vagina' heid = Scots for 'head'
Like most misogynists, he finds the only way he can connect with women is to treat them with abhorrent and shameful violence.
Even most of the macho-philosophy-cops in the film find themselves puking-up, sickened by fanny-face's violence.
In the end misogyny monster is left on his own, wailing in a beatifully filmed atmospheric landscape, endlessly trying to find a therapist, as no doubt the Director is too.
fanny = Scottish slang for 'vagina' heid = Scots for 'head'
The Neon Demon
(2016)
Visually stunning, but without substance (That's exactly the point.)
27 June 2017
A previous reviewer wrote "Visually stunning, but without substance". That's exactly the point.
Beautiful, cruel, morally bankrupt, upsetting, magnetic, spellbinding, majestic, worrying and sickening. The film is what it aims to portray; an aspect of the 'fashion industries' brutal treatment of themselves and the humans they draw in.
Beautiful, cruel, morally bankrupt, upsetting, magnetic, spellbinding, majestic, worrying and sickening. The film is what it aims to portray; an aspect of the 'fashion industries' brutal treatment of themselves and the humans they draw in.
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