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limeyabroad
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Machete Kills (2013)
Over the top in all the best ways
The thing to understand going into this movie is that it's ridiculous. It knows it and as it is a sequel to a ridiculous film, the audience should know it. It is a sequel to a film that was only supposed to be a fake trailer between two movies on the epic 'Grindhouse' for Pete's sake!
That said, it's a ridiculous film with a great cast who are obviously having a lot of fun, and that meant that the audience I was with was also having fun. What amazed me about the audience was it was made up of my wife and I, around 20 folks who won't see their 75th birthday again and a few others - not the audience one would expect for this.
There are 101 deaths in this movie, and they are all funny as hell. There are decapitations, evisceration, folks turned inside out, impalings and all manner of fun to be had.
Danny Trejo, who has a great face for radio, is irresistible to the ladies and that is perhaps this movie's biggest leap of faith. He has badass weaponry, and when he gets it, and it's explained what it does, you are waiting for each piece to be used.
Mel Gibson is the best he's been since the first Lethal Weapon, and a new career path is now open to him playing nutjob bad guys. Charlie Sheen is a hoot too.
Bring on the third movie to wrap this story up!!!
Pretty Woman (1990)
Hey, I've got a great idea...
Let's glamorize prostitution and market it to kids!!! Oh wait, this movie already did that.
Had they stuck to the original script, this could have been a great movie. Richard Gere was supposed to pick up the hooker, use her for the time he was in town and then dump her. That would have been perhaps realistic. Although if you're going to use hookers, why would you want the same one for more than one night?
Add to that that Julia Roberts is simply devoid of acting ability, and is not exactly what the title of the movie promises, and you have a film with no heart, no soul, and no reason to exist.
If you're going to adapt Pygmalion, then look to My Fair Lady or even Educating Rita for your cues on how to do it right. A cheap and tawdry movie marketed to young girls with the message that it's a good idea to become a hooker, as your Prince Charming will find you after only a few months and you will never be beaten/raped in that time. You will be able to avoid the drugs and the alcohol and even the tobacco. Utter tripe and garbage.
An American Werewolf in Paris (1997)
Kill it!! Kill it with fire!!!
I only wish there was a 0/10 option. It is difficult to comprehend just how bad this movie was. Not merely bad as a sequel to a classic - just plain bad.
The actors have zero charisma. Tom Everett Scott has thankfully faded into obscurity and Julie Delpy...well, she must have improved as she has forged a successful career in European art-house romantic dramas.
The transformation scenes are just...just so bad. Again, not even comparing them to Rick Bakers masterpiece, just to any werewolf movie. The Wolfman (1941) had a better transformation.
The CGI werewolves look about half as scary as Sully in Monsters Inc.
The plot and screenplay is lazy. It takes about half of the ideas from the original and redoes them - badly. The rest of the plot was, I would have to guess, written by someone who really hated his job.
The comedy - the only stuff that works is the idea lifted from 'London' - namely the victims haunting the werewolf.
The scares - um, someone forgot to add them into the movie. The scariest thing is that this abomination saw the light of day.
Sequel elements - The love interest is the daughter of David and Alex from the first movie (Alex played in this movie by someone other than Jenny Agutter).
In trying to steer others away from this garbage, I feel I have balanced out all of the bad things I have ever done in my 36 years.
In closing, I would rather get a prostate exam from Freddy Krueger than have to sit through this steaming pile ever again.