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Reviews
Batman Begins (2005)
Bale better than Keyton shock!
I was, as many must have been, sceptical about another batman movie. I was Extatic when Darren Aronofsky was penning the script and directing, and dubious when the honour was handed to Christopher Nolan. But all my fears of disappointment melted into a thick creamy sludge of delight. All the cast are superb, Holms was another fear I had, she is unproven at this love interest roll, but shes wonderful. Caine was magic as Alfred, Freeman excellent at the Q type character. And Bale, BALE! well done Mr Bale. Back when he was announced I was loving the idea, and I stayed loving it through the movie, hes ace; mildly spoilt as the young Wayne, brooding seeker/traveller type midway through, and impeccable menace as the bat. The franchise is alive and kicking, maybe Arronofsky will get to direct the sequel.
Brain Dead (1990)
yeah! what a masterpiece!
I felt brain dead, I'll tell you. This is the worst film I have ever bought. (in my ignorance I thought this was the Peter Jackson film of the same name). The performances are so terrible they are laughable. The special effects have not stood the test of time and look dire. The script promotes that kind of TV movie, stare into the middle distance kind of acting. The cast look as if they have been taking lessons from Joey Tribbiani, they have one look each, and stick to it. Plus I have never been confused by a movie until I sat down to watch this. The is it a dream or no plot is so terrible that frustration sets in within a few minutes. Avoid like a plague.
Kingdom of Heaven (2005)
give me a break
This film is not great. The script is consistently poor throughout, occasionally this borders on laughable. The supporting cast although excellent are let down time and again by the wooden construction they seek to support. Bloom sucks, big-time. His monotone voice, and boarding school accent permeate this movie. Granted I am jealous, he's a good looking chap playing opposite one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen (Eva green), but to deserve this lofty leading man position in the cinema world, he needs one thing; ability. sure he can swing a sword and look cute. sure he can talk in a kind of obi wan way. but SO CAN I. sorry. over the edge there. On a more positive note, apart from my petty niggles with bloom, and the poor, poor script, this movie isn't that bad. As mentioned the support is very good. I felt a lot more involved with their characters than I did blooms. Brendan Gleeson and Marton Csokas make an excellent evil pairing. I fell in love with Eva green all over again. But all this shenanigans is let down by the script. big shame, but better than Alexander.
Van Helsing (2004)
a storm of pants
First let me say that the first time I saw this movie, (I cant keep a straight face to call it a film) I was blisteringly drunk. I couldn't remember the second half of it (a "mistake" I unwittingly rectified later).
Much to my embarrassment, the people whom watched the movie with me, informed me, with a touch of relish, that all through the movie I was shouting obscenities, and other words such as 'Oscar', in a very loud voice. When I was informed of my social idiocy I quickly apologised, only to have the my humble pie waved away with extraordinary nonchalance. Intriuged at why my cinema loving friends could possibly excuse the constant heckling I apparently put them through, I returned to the screen to watch again.
It is true that when you are drunk you are most truthful.
This is the worst kind of American processed junk, it should come with a heath warning. This movie is a massive, sparkling, beautifully rendered CGI toilet, so useless to humanity, so pointless to waste time looking at it. I wont waste any more of my time reviewing it. It's worse than Blair witch two, and Dracula 2001, mainly because you can't laugh at how shoddy it is. it is a STORM of PANTS. don't see this movie
Cold Mountain (2003)
hilarious
possibly the cheezesest, worst acted, predictable film i saw in my life,
redeeming features are to be found in the shape of Jack White (yay) some lovely photos of mountains. Best bit: oooo got to be that opening line of Nicole's (to be said in the dumbest sounding accent you can muster), "when I first weeent to Cold Mountain I wus so shy, on aucount of the way I looked"
Hilarious