Change Your Image
Marmidukestank
Reviews
Copper Mountain (1983)
Copper Mountain!
I own this movie. I OWN IT. I want to destroy it, but I can't. I keep it as a reminder of sorts. A reminder of the consequences of corrupt film-making? Or perhaps to further study the effects of watching one of the worst movies ever made? I'm really not quite sure at the time of writing, but what I do know is, there is a greater purpose of me owning the DVD of this defecation on celluloid. I own this film for a reason. The full title for this complete s***fest is Copper Mountain: A Club Med Experience. Catchy title, huh. The film centres around two young friends (a young Jim Carrey and supposedly famous Alan Thicke) who are travelling to Club Mediterreanean for the Copper Mountain skiing festivities. Well, that's from what I could gather. The film gives absolutely no back-story for this pair, they are simply travelling to stay at a ski lodge. The characters are just so stupid. The dialogue! Even worse. And, if you laugh once in this movie, it's all over for you. Write a suicide note and get out of our realm, you freak.
Jim Carrey's character, Bobby Todd, is so pitifully boring in this movie, I can't believe he got a career in film. I really can't. Unless he didn't put this on his filmography/resume, which is likely. Carrey's character wanders around the lodge doing NOTHING. We watch him do s*** all. There is a minimal plot that involves him wanting to pick up girls but always failing because he's too much of an idiot, but this is presented so badly it shouldn't really be mentioned. On the other hand, we have the Jackson Reach (Alan Thicke) character that wants to get into the Pro Skiing Competition, yet his competitive nature gets in the way and he loses to several people. And that's where his story ends. Honest, to god, that's pretty much all that happens. There is also some insanely out of place subplot about some dumb broad that has feelings for her protégé, or something... I don't really know, I was much more focused on my mental safety.
This movie goes for a whopping 58 minutes. That's right, including the credits. Yet, there is about... oh... 25 minutes of storyline here. The rest of the film is basically musical guest appearances and ski footage. That's right. The majority of this film is some poxy concert with a heap of bad singers. This movie would be better suited to the title: Rita Coolidge in Concert - Starring Jim Carrey. Not to mention the opening titles (which also has the musical 'splendor' of Rita Coolidge playing over them) go for at least 6 minutes. There is barely any film here at all.
Anyone that feels like they can take on Copper Mountain, make sure you take some necessary precautions. 1. Don't watch the movie all the way through in one sitting like I did, as I am still recovering. Half to quarterly intervals should be your guideline to stop, take time to get over what you just saw, and start again. 2. Avoid watching alone, as I did. Other people pointing out the movies flaws can dilute the the overall effect of the source, making it seem like a joke, whilst also making it much easier to watch. 3. Remember, once you start, you can always turn back. It's better to give up while you can, then to live the rest of your life knowing the ending of Copper Mountain. And finally 4. Always be prepared. Hopefully, this review has given you an outline of the worst this picture can throw at you, but, things change when you are actually face to face with it. Keep calm, keep sane, and try and enjoy yourself on Copper Mountain.
If this is a Club Med experience, I'll easily settle to stay in a trailer park.
0.5/10
House of the Dead (2003)
Ew.
You may be unfamiliar with director Uwe Boll. He is a small-time German director that is only now breaking ever so slowly into the recognised world of cinema. His past credits are unspeakable pieces of trash, and he looks to have no intention of reinventing himself. House of the Dead is Boll's first attempt at American success. Based on a mildly popular video game series, the movie was intended to be a fast paced horror romp, with servings of gore, sex and effects driven action. And as you watch it, you may think, where did Boll go wrong?
Well, it may be easier if you ask: Where didn't he go wrong? Everything that was attempted in this movie turns out to be a complete failure. Take the storyline, for example. House of the Dead's plot revolves around 4 party-goers in what seems to be their late 20s arriving at an ravaged island where the party of a lifetime was supposed to be taking place. OK, this party is basically around 40 people in the middle of what looks to be a Canadian pine forest, overlooking one of the murkiest, horrible looking beaches I've ever seen. Evil deeds ensue, and before you know it, that girl that was just flashing her t*** just got tackled by a horde of men draped in grey rags with red lights for eyes. And how's this for a great plot development. Our sole victoring hero is none other than a character we meet at least 40 minutes into the film. All of the original characters we were supposed to become attached to die, making the first act of the movie utterly useless. OK, to be fair, one of the original characters lives. Even though she plain got stabbed through her cleavage, shattering her chest plate and surely puncturing her heart, she lives. Obviously the writers never heard of anything called a medical journal. When you have a character living, limping and standing upright after having a sword impaled into her heart, you know you've got a bad movie on your hands.
I should also mention the screenplay. This has to be the biggest piece of vile **** I have ever witnessed. Such classic lines like "That's Spanish..... in case you don't speak Mexican" and "Why do I want to be immortal? TO LIVE FOREVER!" Unless the writers took a really unhealthy dump on a piece of paper and started writing the screenplay in it with their fingers, they aren't successfully capturing the essence of the script.
And whomever it was that came up with the 'heart pounding' action sequences, I'm sure they had personal ambitions to make this movie sink lower than any movie before it. Imagine a lengthy battle scene containing gun wielding college students with extensive firearm training, against nonthreatening zombie-like minions that don't do terribly much. Couple this with over 15 instances of long bullet time moments, transitions of awful, grainy video game footage and some strange 'fly around character and fade to red' effect that I safely predict won't become the next horror movie trend. I must admit, the main action sequence is a brave step. Boll tried many new things, many old things and many many bad things. But even the bravest of people end up dead, or in this case, broke.
Take it from me, this movie just plain reeks. In fact, it could even be passed off as a movie made purposely bad. I've only touched on some of the major flaws that exist in the film, as some are too tormenting to relive. All in all, House of the Dead is one of the better examples of how far a movie can miss it's mark. It goes from bad, to funny bad, to the one of the worst films ever.... in the first 20 seconds. But please, don't let that discourage you. After all, this is probably Uwe Boll's finest hour.
1.5/10