While faulted, this movie speaks volumes for fans tired of remakes.
Reviews
14 Reviews
The Ark of the Witch
(2014)
OUCH!
3 July 2018
I am not sure what the writers and producers were thinking on this one. Maybe it all looked good on paper, but it certainly doesn't translate well to film. Considering the production was allegedly plagued with financial troubles, I guess this is what you are left with. Sorry Shepis' name has to be attached to it.
Conjure
(2006 Video)
A very poor "love letter" from Matt Busch to himself
22 February 2007
Warning: Spoilers
where to start? Matt Busch is a great talented graphic artist... period. He should stay the HELL away from attempting to write, star, and direct any films in the future. If you can put up with the first 10 minutes of the movie listening to Matt kiss his own butt and drone on and on about what a great talent he is and how he is shaking the entertainment industry and turning it on it's head... then maybe you will be able to stomach at least 15 minutes of the rest of the film WITHOUT fast forwarding (which is what I did). The story was hum-drum. The acting was waaaaaaaay below par. The effects... what effects? The scares... what scares? This is supposed to be a horror movie, not a comedy (which by the 1 hour mark is literally not taking itself seriously... I kid you not... I am not bagging on it at this point... it really is making fun of itself). The whole plot was a train wreck LITERALLY filmed on a home video camera. Do yourself a favor and rent this one (DO NOT buy it, like I did from the bargain bin at Kmart) and watch it... if you must... only for the beauty that is Sarah Wilkinson. She was the ONLY saving grace to this goulash of a film.
p.s. Anthony Daniels ISN'T in the movie... he is shown meeting Matt at a comic book convention in the opening self love rhetoric of Matt's AND they spell C-3PO wrong in the closing credits!!!! UGH!!!
p.s. Anthony Daniels ISN'T in the movie... he is shown meeting Matt at a comic book convention in the opening self love rhetoric of Matt's AND they spell C-3PO wrong in the closing credits!!!! UGH!!!
CrossBones
(2005 Video)
I got sea-sick!
27 July 2006
Warning: Spoilers
sorry guys, someone loaned me this on and I honestly have to say that it is pretty unwatchable. the story seemed like a relatively good (albeit somewhat tired) "reality" show horror movie crossover, then quickly eroded. I have posted spoiler alerts, but for those of you that missed it at the top.... SPOILER ALERT!!!!!! it takes 52 minutes (the film is 88 minutes total), yes 52 minutes for the first kill!!!!!!! WTF?????? I could have watched a third of POCII before anyone got "slaughtered" in this movie.... the pirate kills don't count at the beginning, because that is somewhat not pertinent to the modern day story. the effects.... what effects???? they were talking about this "undead" pirate being all chewed up, yet he looked the same from 150 years ago. and the red-headed "native" girl from the beginning? HA!!!! it's supposed to be 1841 and she has implants! BRILLIANT!!!!!! this movie had me laughing when the Spanish pirate talks with the stereotypical English "pirate" accent. this movie was nothing short of a train wreck, but hey..... they achieved what they were striving for and got it to LGF!!!!!!! YEARRRRGH!!!!!!! this treasure should have stayed buried!
Mr. Jingles
(2006 Video)
Worth the wait!!!
18 July 2006
Warning: Spoilers
I am a little partial to this film. It is a low budget indie horror movie that hits all the right buttons at the right times. It's too bad that not all low budget films do that. This little treasure has plenty of scares, great kills, some decent acting and a really good story! The effects are out-of-this world. The producers did a great job with what little money they had. A really unique kill scene features a flying penis!!! I highly recommend this movie if you want a good old fashioned low budget scare to watch and mold your own productions after. I told you that TnT would be shaking the pillars of hell.... and they are!!!! Also look out for their future releases!!! They are the team that brought you "Biker Zombies From Detroit" and "Lurking Terror".
Zombie Night
(2003 Video)
Sux beyond sux!
8 June 2006
Warning: Spoilers
It's always interesting to me that the people that make these crappy movies, get on here and pretend to just be a regular John Q. Public and give glowing revues. But... the idiots made the mistake of posting that they paid to see the movie theatrically (which means they rented a screen at the local cinema to show their friends that they could allegedly "make a movie"), and then they all betray their lies by posting they are all from Canada. Okay... let's get down to brass tacks here... the movie is supposed to take place in a post war ravaged world... but the morons make the mistake of filming in a storage facility next to a freeway!!!!! You can see traffic flying by in both directions several times... and when you can't... their cheap camera mounted mike picks up the noise. This movie was bad on so many levels... it wasn't even funny. How about this great build up of tying up the bad character to let the zombies feed on him... and they NEVER SHOW IT!!!!! What the hell? Did they film this in order and then run out of effects props? My 72 year old mother was over and caught most of it while here, and as she put it.... "The effects are pretty good, but between the bad script and horrible acting... it's so convoluted... I don't know what the hell is going on!" The young girl that is alive at the ends says it best (and pretty badly too) when she asks... "When will it be over?" That's what we were wondering.
My Date with Drew
(2004)
1100.00 budget my butt
9 March 2006
Warning: Spoilers
first off... this film is deceiving anybody that is considering it factual that the budget was 1100.00. it's CLEAR that it was not shot on video... ANYBODY that works in films can see that. secondly... if you like to see 90 minutes of someone talking on a cell phone (and not being able to hear the other end of the conversation)... then this film may be for you. third... I made the mistake of renting it based on the alleged budget. when I saw that it was false advertising, I took it back to Blockbuster and DEMANDED my rental cost back... guess what? I got it! apparently, they are having several complaints in regards to this movie and are losing some major $$ on it due to rental refunds. it's a horrible film... period! and please don't waste my time by insulting my spelling errors (if any). if that's all you can come up with... woe to you.
13 Seconds
(2003 Video)
Crap + Crap = Crap
24 November 2005
Warning: Spoilers
Well... it was very convenient of IMDb.com to erase my last comment that I posted in regards to this steaming pile of a movie. So... where do I begin? If ANYBODY can find anything that this movie can offer in regards to a positive critique... I'll eat my hat. The movie sucks on so many different levels, that it's hard to explain. I thought I had won when I shut it off after 20 minutes, but then my wife got home and she wanted to watch it... just when I think I am out... they pull me back in!!! I work in the Indie film industry here in Detroit (where writer / director Jeff Thomas filmed this and is from) and he is the laughing stock of the industry around these parts. He made crap and then DUPES people into believing that this crap won some sort of awards... the awards are FAKE!!! There is NO Detroit International Horror Film Festival!!!! Steer clear away from this garbage or you will be sorely sorry!!!! SUCKS!!!!!!!!
Pauly Shore Is Dead
(2003)
well... Pauly still SUCKS!!!
24 November 2005
well... we rented this one based on the premise that Pauly finally reached the realization that he sucks and that he was making fun of the fact that his career was dead. instead, we are supposed to believe that this imbecile has enough brains to concoct his own death visa-vi using a dead cadaver that he has stolen from the LA county morgue. if you can live with that absurdity from the get-go... maybe you can stomach this movie for what its worth... which is Nothing! this was the biggest piece of crap we had the misfortune of watching in the last 6 months (before that, it was trash called 13 SECONDS). do yourself a favor... no matter what sort of hype you hear about this idiot and his movie... DO NOT RENT IT!!!!!!
Peter Rottentail
(2004 Video)
OMG... this is worse than Splatter Farm!!!
25 October 2005
Warning: Spoilers
For crying out loud... aren't an artist's films supposed to get better as they make more of them? This video is worse than their film Splatter Farm!!! I had to shut this garbage off after 20 minutes... I just couldn't take it! Slow pacing, horrible soundtrack, crappy effects.. what else could possibly go wrong? I wasn't going to stick around to find out... I shut it off. These guys may have some thoughtful ideas... but damn... can't they do anything right? Lets have a 10 minute scene of some bum dumpster hopping... lets kill everyone and show that they are dead by having crappy fake blood dribble out of their mouths. Blech!!!! That's what you'll do if you try to watch this turkey!!! Was a little bit better than 13 Seconds though!
The Ghouls
(2003)
A huge pile of steaming crap!!
9 June 2005
Warning: Spoilers
The spoiler alert is there to warn you that this movie has somewhat a resemblance to a pile of turds! Is it no wonder that it is on the "Crappy World" label... yes, that's right... "Crappy World"!!! Boring story with slow action, slow characters, lack of decent gore (except the tuxedo guy chopped in half), and bland sub-par acting. Whatever the name of the tool who wrote and directed this is (I saw it on the DVD I just watched... and have already forgotten it... shows how good the movie is), he shouldn't give up his day job. I have seen better work on the back of cereal boxes. On second thought, I had better remember the name... so I don't accidentally rent anymore of the s**t films that he makes. I rented this with a free coupon from Blockbuster and I am STILL feeling cheated!!!
Invitation
(2003 Video)
Not a bad film
20 May 2005
Warning: Spoilers
this is not a bad little film. i am always curious of Michigan filmmakers stuff, and support them by renting or, as in this case, buying the film. it had a good momentum and great foundational plot, but it gets a little "lost" on the way. Jeff Burton is a real nice guy and he knows how to sell his stuff at conventions. i hear the premiers are a lot of fun. i was expecting a little more here though. the killings are not what they are built up to be, and the "dead" actors mostly run around with contact lenses and that is it... kind of a let down. its worth a look-see though if you want a good Saturday night beer and pizza movie. there is a nice little philly in the movie named Kristina Novak that i would like to see more of in upcoming productions. hire her back on, Jeff!
Lurking Terror
(2002 Video)
a great little film
26 February 2005
Warning: Spoilers
LURKING TERROR is a great little film! Can you think of any other movie that features cannibals, crooks, cops, and a creature? Filmed in the backwoods of rural Michigan, the atmosphere is just creepy enough to make you look over your shoulder next time you go camping. This is Crossbow 5's 2nd film and is obviously sending them on their way to film infamy.
Their new picture (just saw the screening the other night), one-ups this one in production values, gore, mayhem, and watch-ability. Todd and Tommy have a keen eye for selecting up-and-coming stars for their features.
If you're a fan of indie horror films, you won't be disappointed if you rent LURKING TERROR!
Their new picture (just saw the screening the other night), one-ups this one in production values, gore, mayhem, and watch-ability. Todd and Tommy have a keen eye for selecting up-and-coming stars for their features.
If you're a fan of indie horror films, you won't be disappointed if you rent LURKING TERROR!
Dawn of the Dead
(2004)
In one word I can rate this film...
21 March 2004
Just saw the "remake" of Dawn of the Dead 3 days ago. After much emotional debate with those in my group and with myself, I feel I can (in one word) rate this film... LACKLUSTER. There was NO apparent reason whatsoever for this film to have even been made. The plotline is so flimsy (Quote "Lets go to the mall")... hey, why not go to the gun shop right across the street, you morons! The character set-up gave the audience no care for them whatsoever! The only person that actually evolved in the film was CJ the security guard. Just for those that posted otherwise... the CGI was AWFUL! The crowd at the theater we saw it at (including us) was laughing and shaking their heads at the ridiculousness of many of the situations. This movie looked like a poor 28 Days Later wannabe! Besides a few head shots, there were no cannibalism shots! Maybe a neck bite... but where was the intestines being devoured? A few good side effects here and there (chainsaw in the shoulder), but they downsized the gore in lieu of some sub-par CGI and a cut rate script. If this movie did not have the Dawn of the Dead name, I would have seen it in a month and a half (if it was still playing) and still would have had a bad taste in my mouth. I rate this one below 28 Days Later (and I am using that as a comparison even though it IS NOT a zombie movie like all of theses dumb-ass critics are calling it) and the HORRENDOUS House of the Dead. Save your money, watch the original... you will have a better time!
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