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Amityville Christmas Vacation (2022)
A refreshing and unique take on Christmas
At Ruthless Reviews, I have been one of the harshest critics of Steve Rudzinski's movies. In my opinion, the criticism has been richly deserved. However, I must give credit to this movie for being engaging till the end, and unique.
The first 4 minutes seemed to confirm my fears as who wants to watch a nitwit pack his bags for a bogus scam trip to Amityville. I will also forgive the glaring lack of continuity as the scene in the park was green summertime, only to morph in a couple of hours into a winter wonderland.
None of this diminished my reluctant respect for what I watched. Unlike the earlier movies, I never paused or became distracted or disinterested.
In spite of my prejudice and preconceived notions, I will recommend this movie that you can watch on Tubi.
Dog Years (2017)
Burt Reynold's tribute to himself is his very best movie
I usually just leave my review at my website, but this great film deserves a double dose of praise.
Anyone who was alive in the last century has to be aware of Burt Reynolds. He burst on the scene as the arrow-slinging hot hunk in Deliverance and then was immortalized in Smokey And The Bandit as a Coors Beer runner who stayed just ahead of the venerable Jackie Gleason as Sheriff Buford. After that, the dozens of movies that he made were pure crap. The only really memorable one was Boogie Nights, where he was not even the star, but just a porn producer.
"Oh, what it might have been" was lamented in real life and brought to life in the wonderful and heart-breaking film, The Last Movie Star. I was skeptical of this movie at first, and yes, it was hard to watch from the very beginning. There was a scene that most pet owners and lovers have been through. It is not easy to say goodbye to your loyal and loving mutt. I knew that I was on a ride with this one, and not a comfortable one.
Vic Edwards was an aging has-been movie star who received an unwanted and suspicious expense-paid invite to a film festival. He was to be honored with a Lifetime Achievement Award to join the ranks of Eastwood and DiNiro. Urged to attend by his friend and fellow actor Sonny (Chevy Chase), who has never looked worse, he finally decided to fly to Nashville to accept his award.
His doubts about the legitimacy of this "award" were immediately confirmed as he arrived in Nashville. He was picked up not by a limo but by a skanky-looking Goth THOT who had the better part of her assets hanging out of some ragged denim hot pants. The luxury hotel was a Motel 6 and the film festival was at a dive bar, organized by enthusiastic, but basement-dwelling fanboys. Vic was not impressed, got totally soused, insulted his hosts and exited.
Instead of coming back for the next night's session, Vic instructed Lil to drive him to Knoxville for a trip down memory lane. This is the beginning of where a cringe-worthy movie and its characters flip a hard to watch film into something beautiful.
The trip to Knoxville has many reveals, reveals that I will not spoil in this review. I will say that Vic and Lil soften, expose their own missteps, foibles and frailties to bond in quite satisfying turnaround. Lil is haunted by her bad choice in men, and Vic is haunted by his career choices and dubious 5 marriages. He does, however, have one true love and one devastating regret. Ariel Winter was just wonderful as Lil in this movie. She was just an annoying young lady at first, but quickly developed into a strong character and ally for Vic. Their relationship (not sexual) was one of the high points of this movie.
I really have to give it to director Adam Rifkin for his use of flashbacks that featured the old and young Burt Reynolds, seen through Vic's mind's eye. Vic and Lil visit some of Edward's childhood and college memories in Knoxville and these shots are very well orchestrated. Before he was a movie star, he was a football star for the University of Tennessee until a knee injury ended his promising career.
The visit to his childhood home and the nursing home that housed the love of his life were some of the tear-jerking highlights of this film. Eventually, Vic and Lil made their way back to Nashville, where his fans were still patiently and loyally waiting for him, in spite of his earlier insults. This film is all about redemption and fulfilling the loose-ends that are almost never re-tied after the mistakes and heartbreaks of a lifetime. Vic acknowledges both his fans and his mistakes. The ending is quite satisfying.
I don't like to use my review time to rail and complain about other critic's reviews of movies, but the professional and user ratings of this film are an outrage. 46/100 at Metacritic. Really? I just do not understand. The user reviews at IMDB were much more in line with my thinking, but like many of the 80s Action Movies, the Burt Reynolds films are automatically set up for a failure. He addresses this in this film as his "bad choices", but that does not excuse the failure to give credit for this best ever performance for Burt Reynolds. He died 5 months after making this movie. R. I. P., Bandit, R. I. P.
The Invisible Man (2020)
The Invisible Man creeps us out with relationship abuse and gaslighting
I attended a Denver Film Critic's screening of The Invisible Man this past Tuesday with another one of our writers. This was a low budget film of only 7M, but it was pretty damn good. The audience was engaged from the very first frame and Elizabeth Moss was magnificent in the lead role. This was not a re-boot of the original classic, but a completely unique film in a modern setting with state of the art technology incorporated with believable realism.
This movie is getting very strong reviews from both professional critics and the general audience. There are minor flaws, but in the full scope of things these can be easily overlooked considered the entire body of work. Moss was superb, and the supporting cast did not let us down whatsoever. Adrian takes a place as one of the most evil villains in modern times.
It's creepy, it's gut-wrenching and the audience is all in with the almost impossible situation that Cecilia is placed in. I mean, really? Who is going to believe that you are being stalked and tortured by an invisible man who is DEAD? Elizabeth Moss shows her despair, hopelessness, exasperation, but emerges with unbelievable conviction and strength to combat this unimaginable evil.
A Christmas Carol (2019)
Don't miss this FX version of A Christmas Carol
I don't usually post reviews here and I posted a thorough review this weekend at my website. Nevertheless, I felt that I must respond to some of these reviews. It seems that some were offended by reference to sex. Oh My Goodness! And profanity! Everyone knows there was no profanity in 19th century England! Also, some were upset that this 3 hour near masterpiece did not follow exactly the story line of the Dickens classic. So what? The FX version built the story into something much, much better.
This version was dark and frightening and I really liked how they handled the character of Jacob Marley. I won't spoil anything, but that place where he talked to the Spirit of Christmas Past was just the best.
I also really liked Guy Pearce as Scrooge and the way that this Bob Cratchit interacted with him. This Cratchit was no sycophant. You could just feel his seething resentment of Scrooge. And boy, what a Scrooge! Damaged and OCD, this Scrooge's character development was as shocking as it was complex.
The 3 hour run time was no problem at all. I wish it had been even longer. Like I said, ignore the negative reviews, this thing is a real treat to watch.
Mercy Christmas (2017)
This is one of the Greatests Christmas Horror/Slasher Movies ever!
Since I write for a critic site, I don't usually do this, but in this case I must. Mercy Christmas is a treasure, one of the greatest Christmas Horror/Slasher Movies ever made. The acting was surprisingly good, especially from newcomer Steven Hubbell (Michael Brisket), who was a dead-ringer for Andrew Zimmern of Bizarre Foods fame. There was the perfect blend of hair-raising gore and ironic black humor. Even though this was a den of kidnappers, murderers and cannibals, Granny still insisted that everyone attend church service before dinner. OH...My Goat, what a movie. Don't miss this one, it is a classic. 10/10 for excellence.
Elmer Gantry (1960)
The ultimate salesmen are those selling Jesus
In many ways, this movie is the ultimate Sales movie in that it perfectly incorporates the idea that Sales and Jesus are inextricably joined at the hip. Have you made your decision for CHRIST! was bellowed by the terrifying Alec Baldwin, but no one joins Sales and The Lord better than Burt Lancaster in Elmer Gantry. Elmer is a traveling Salesman, a con man, drunkard and a bum, but this guy could sell a ticket to the slaughterhouse to a suckling pig, make that a seasons pass, he was that good.
The history behind this blockbuster of a film is fascinating. Sinclair Lewis had a difficult time selling his novel in his time period, but the finished product finally surfaces in 1960, much to the consternation of conservative Bible-Thumpers and Women's Temperance fanatics. There were warnings to keep the children away, but why? I'll tell you why. One of the points made by the movie was the possibility that there just might not be a God! Imagine that! The book was banned in The South (where else?) but this magnificent work finally saw the light of day and a giant of a film was produced.
Elmer Gantry is smitten by Sister Sharon Falconer, and she by him, so they join forces to save the world, in spite of the ones around them who suspect this unholy alliance. Jim Lefferts, played by Jack Kennedy is a skeptical and cynical newspaper reporter who identifies Elmer immediately as the fraud that he is. In spite of this conflict, the two have a respect and alliance, they both know what they are, without pretense and the mutual respect is there. Overshadowed by the great Burt Lancaster's performance, Kennedy brilliantly plays the part of a newsman who is an obvious atheist and there just weren't many atheists in Mid-America those days.
The essence of this movie must involve the Oscar winning performance of the star, Burt Lancaster. There was much lamenting that Jean Simmons was robbed of an Oscar, but Burt Lancaster was not to be denied his earned gold for a sizzling performance. Lancaster is a grinning physical specimen and he manifests this greatness as he hypnotizes and sells the gullible masses under the tents in the American Midwest. He was born for this role and exhibits his mannerisms and charm with maximum efficiency.
The movies end was lame and inexplicable considering the body of work that surrounded it, but all is forgiven with every minute of Lancaster's landmark performance as one of the greatest Salesmen ever.
Dear Dictator (2017)
An embarrassing swan song for Michael Caine
It has been 18 years since Quills, the last robust accomplishment by Michael Caine. There is no excuse for this movie. Here goes.
Tatiania Mills (Odeya Rush) will dislodge and eat ABC (Already Been Chewed) gum from beneath the water fountain to taunt and gross out her adversaries at school. Sir Michael Caine again does the equivalent to his career by starring in this mindless atrocity. Michael Caine plays a deposed British Caribbean Republic dictator who comes the the U.S. and teams with a high school goth loser. He does this to teach her the ways of revolution so she can overthrow the mean bully girls in her High School.
This movie was supposedly released on March 16, 2018, but I cannot find any statistics where it was shown in any brick and mortar theaters in The United States. Even Box Office Mojo shows no trace of either Dear Dictator or its original title of Coup d'Etat. It is as though it doesn't exist except at rouge movie sites or the inevitable Amazon Prime Video for $6.99, which is $7.00 too much. Other than the sycophant Alfred in the Batman movies, Caine has not done anything meaningful since the masterpiece Quills, and that was almost 2 decades ago. I'm glad that Ebert is not alive to see Caine actually tunnel to a new low after the disaster that was Jaws IV.
Oh my Goat, this movie was horrible on every level. Dictator and Tatiana become pen-pals and the next thing you know, he shows up not on her doorstep, but in her garage. No Problem! Mom is clued in and consents for The Dictator to stay if only he will fix the broken garage door opener. He does, and then in a deeply moving scene, he instructs Tatiana how to overthrow the factions in her High School. Brilliant! Enter the Revolution!
The shock and awe at the Mall was cringe-worthy and the side story of Tatiana's mother and her foot-freaky dentist employer were new lows for cinema... but not as low as the scene where El Dictator sternly lectures Darlene MIlls (Katie Holmes) and daughter about the evils of American society. He then turns into some sort of 85 year-old Gordon Ramsey master chef. I want to die. Not later, but right now. Never in the history of film has anything been as bad as this debacle.
The rest of this movie was irrelevant. It was horrible. ZERO/10.0
A Meowy Christmas (2017)
Another useless vanity project from a child
I think I've finally reached the bottom of the pile, the very worst Christmas Movie imaginable. This movie is about two animals, Ms. Whiskers and Chuckie, and their owner, an incompetent Detective Wally Griswold. These animals are a cat and a mouse whose mouths do not move and there is only very shrill and annoying talk-over. Plus, the cat voice makes infinite lousy cat puns. I'm going to try to put about as much effort into this review as Stephen Rudzinski put into this horrible film. It will be hard because the bar is very low. The budget was a whopping $1000, and boy howdy does it ever show.
The cat watches conspiracy videos all day and is convinced that Santa has been captured by aliens. At the same time 2 burglars have been hitting houses in the area and stealing valuables, and yes, Christmas Presents! Santa must be saved! Christmas must be saved! It's up to the two voice-overed animals in the inside and a bumbling Detective Wally Griswold on the outside to save the day.
Of course Christmas is saved and the burglars foiled by Chuckie and Ms. Whiskers. Detective Griswold is exonerated. This miserable film tried to pay homage to Inspector Jacques Clouseau in The Pink Panther, Home Alone, and Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny (Being a horrible, unwatchable film).
Do not watch this movie unless you are suicidal and do not want to be deterred. Chances are good, however, you won't be able to find it anywhere but free on Amazon Prime or Sockshare. I know that the maker of this disaster made no pretense about this being anything but horrible, but this was about the most unnecessary vanity project ever.
Coopers' Camera (2008)
A Christmas Classic: Wonderfully under-appreciated work of Art
As some of you might know, I write for and orchestrate Ruthless Reviews. O.K., I know, big deal. Sometimes our readers throw us a pearl. This time the pearl bore fruit in the form of this deliciously vulgar but infinitely watchable movie.
The only reasonable way that I can describe this VHS film is the joy that a dog incurs when it eats its own vomit. Yes, it is that good. From the endless mullets to the crazy Family Values, this film separates the wheat from the chaff. You are either all-in for Christmas mockery, or you are not.
Unless you are some sort of hard-core, Born-Again Christmas Freak, you should give yourself a chance to enjoy this movie. Drinking is HIGHLY recommended if you are to fully enjoy this masterpiece.
What a wonderful surprise. Thank you Winston Smith for drawing this to my attention.
Tree Man (2015)
The American Christmas Tree is a Symbol and a Barometer
Tree Man (2016) Christmas is without a doubt the most celebrated, written about and confusing holiday that we celebrate in The United States. This has all been covered before in earlier rants, so I won't write an essay about how it is a hijacked holiday. It is needless to say that the same people who vehemently proclaim that we must save the real meaning of Christmas, are also those who embrace most closely its pagan symbols. Other than the good Anti-Krampus himself, there is no symbol that is more beloved than the Christmas Tree, decorated in all its Christian Pagan glory.
This brings us to the 2016 Documentary, Tree Man. No, I'm not referring to the man above, a poor recipient of God's mercy and love. Mr. Koswara suffered from Lewandowsky-Lutz dysplasia, an incurable disease which results in uncontrolled human papilloma virus (HPV) infections and the growth of scaly warts resembling tree bark. He died Feb 3, 2016.
I'm referring to a Canadian who buys trees from North Carolina and sells them in New York City. Known only as Francios, the Tree Man tearfully relates as to how he leaves his family in Quebec to live in his van and sell Christmas trees in New York City. Francios has been doing this for years, setting up on the sidewalk corner of 102nd St. and Broadway in Manhattan and selling Christmas trees to the nearby apartment dwellers. The Canadian has great sales and social skills and has been embraced by the neighborhood. His Christmas wares and value-added services like delivery and setup have earned him repeat holiday customers and he has sold thousands of trees over the years.
It is hard and demanding work, with long hours in freezing weather with rain, wind and snow. Francios lives and sleeps out of his van as 1-BR apartments at this prime location run over $4000 a month, if you could even find one. He has developed lasting relationships with some of his customers and is known as a mentor and father-figure to the 2 young men who work for him. One older lady even allows him to shower and shave at her nearby apartment.
It is never revealed how much money these Tree Men (and women) make but there is a fleeting reference to the price of trees. Francios refers to a $69 tree as a cheap tree. Considering this is New York City, I have to think that the average price of his full-sized trees would run well over $100, plus the delivery and setup fee. A quick Google search shows that the average price of a 6 ft. Noble Fir will run about $75 this year, up from $69 last year. With his sales skills and the fact that he mentioned he had sold thousands of trees, you've got to hope that Francios is making a good living, in spite of the harsh working conditions. It is not that easy as expenses and overhead have to be considered, plus corporate competition is looming as Whole Foods now sells trees, and at a big discount. Looks like the little guy with the great service is going to get it in the shorts again.
So, this is a great story, right? How can anyone bah-humbug a Christmas Tree? I mean, they are pretty, they smell good, are the very embodiment of Christmas, and are fun to decorate. O.K., I won't
well, maybe just a little. Christmas reveals a lot of things, but one of the most striking is the gap between the Haves and Have-Nots. Santa, like his partner Jesus, is very generous, but more generous to the rich. Most of the Buyers were obviously well-heeled; one woman even hired a decorating firm, at undoubtedly thousands of dollars, to erect her tree and make her palatial apartment a Winter Wonderland. The decorator noted that the tree would be up for only 4 days and then trashed. Contrast this to the tree Sellers and their help, who seem to be barely making it in life.
The beloved Christmas Tree is one of the symbols of America. As the documentary ended, there was a very revealing scene when one of the wealthy apartment dwellers was walking his fru-fru little mutt, who proceeded to micturate on an unsold or discarded post Christmas tree. The very last scene shows Francios's two young helpers, looking on morosely as the tossed off trees are unceremoniously ground into mulch. I know, Christmas trees are crops, not unlike the grains and corn that we elevate our insulin levels with. They also can be a symbol of much mirth and joy, but are ultimately just another wasteful ritual of a confused holiday. Bah! Humbug.
Jeepers Creepers 3 (2017)
Should have been named Jeepers Stinker
Jeepers Creepers 3 (2017) O.K., I knew this would be a bad idea. The original Jeepers Creepers was a dark, creepy and effective horror movie until about the last 20 minutes. It has been awhile since I saw the original, but I remember the introduction to the Creeper was pretty terrifying. Jeepers Creepers 2 was just awful, as to be expected from a sequel of a movie like the original horror flick.
This brings us to the subject at hand, Jeepers Creepers 3, a film that I recorded from the SyFy network so that I could watch what turned out to be the greatest World Series slug-fest ever, Houston defeating The Dodgers 13-12. It was a good choice watching the baseball game as when I finally got around to watching Jeepers Creepers 3 it was simply horrible.
Here is the synopsis of the movie. It was not about a monster, it was about a pouting girl who cannot afford to feed her horse. She also had a crazy Grandma who sat on a tractor staring out into space. Eventually Grandma dug up a Creeper hand and all Hell broke loose, or what passes for Hell breaking loose in this stinker of a film. That's about it, thanks for reading. Just kidding.
Moving forward, the horse gets his lunch and the sad girl is out with some clown at the feed store who wanted to get into her pants, so he bought feed for Flicka. They ended up out in the woods, and when danger reared its ugly head, of course, the truck would not start. I will say that Meg Foster as Grandma was the scariest thing in this movie. I don't know what they did to her, maybe they sent her to Ugly Bulimia Camp, but she really looked rough.
Anyway, just meh on this movie. It was not creepy, it was not scary and it was shot nearly all in broad daylight, which totally jettisoned any chance of this lazy effort being remotely scary. Only at the very end of the movie was it dark and foggy, but the ridiculously poor acting and editing (not to mention the cheap, annoying soundtrack) made it more laughable than horrifying. What made things worse (or better, depending on your perspective) is that there was about 10 minutes of commercials on SyFy for every 5 minute of movie. Thank Goat for DVR and fast forward
or not. I cannot properly articulate just how bad this movie sucked. Victor Salva may have learned how to toss salad in prison, but he sure didn't learn how to make a movie sequel.
Jonathan Breck, who was a terrifying presence in the original, was totally squandered in this movie. I really don't care anymore as I am typing this review while the movie is still running. The Creeper just goes around in broad daylight, doing his thing, and avoid the police by the use of his police scanner. He was also inexplicably wearing a red shirt. I mean, why? Instead of scaring the Hell out of us flying around at night, he is running through a field (with his red shirt) wielding an axe that looks like it came from a LarpFest. The ending of the movie was absolutely pathetic. I mean what in the Hell does a random rabbit and that stupid horse have to do with Jeepers Creepers? Plus, the ending left the door open for another movie. Victor Salva should be returned to prison for this movie, much less if he ever attempted to make another one. Just, no.
Mother! (2017)
mother! is the Mother of all Movies 10.0/10.0
Mother! Is horrifying, but not a horror movie. It is thrilling, but not a Thriller film. There is a definite home invasion, but this is not a Home Invasion Film. It is like nothing you have ever seen before, as it grabs you by the shoulders and rivets you in your seat for 2 hours. Darren Aronofsky stated in an interview with MTV that he wrote this movie in 6 days, after a fever dream. Sounds like a supernatural creation to me. Most movies take years, if not decades to formulate. Aronofsky is a genius and one of the most audacious writer/director that we have today. His resume is staggering and includes such films as Pi, The Wrestler, Requiem For A Dream, Black Swan, The Fountain, and Noah. Mother!, like Noah, is not a Christian film like The Case for Christ. On the contrary, this film takes the religions and cults that have been invented by humans and burns them to the ground.
For all the Haters out there that give this masterpiece low grades because it offends you mythologies,just get over it. For all of those who automatically dismiss it because it is an "art film", your loss. Best film of the year.
The Hitman's Bodyguard (2017)
A rocking good time with The Hit-man's Bodyguard
I usually don't do these user reviews, but there is so much negative ink on this movie that I felt compelled to jump in.
The Hit-man's Bodyguard. Let's get this out of the way and get onto the review. Most professional critics, including some of my favorites, hated this movie. Their points are all valid, but I think that the points that they are so critical of are points that are not relevant to what the movie actually accomplished. Were there flaws? Sure. The bottom line I guess is whether or not those reviewers who marked down the movie (A dismal 39% on Rotten Tomatoes & a tepid 47 on Metacritic) really comprehended the purpose of the film. I know, its annoyingly smug to state things like "You really didn't get it". Enough of this, already and on to the review.
The Hit-man's Bodyguard was a blast and was hilarious. I know that it seemed to struggle to find its way, but these shortcomings (and others) were overcome by the great chemistry between Sam Jackson and Ryan Reynolds. I'll get to Salma Hayek later. I'm not going to spend any more time than necessary defending this highly enjoyable film, but as I stated, there were some flaws. O.K., Gary Oldman was tragically underutilized as was the legendary Richard Grant, but so what? The plot was predictable and some of the car crash and shootout scenes seemed to go on forever. This was overcome by great character development and interaction and a very funny script.
This movie was a violent comedy, a spoof, a laugh around every single corner. Its been a long time since I have been in a theater where the audience demonstrated such enjoyment with constant guffaws and laughter. "Where did you find her, Christian Mingle?" Absolutely hilarious. The film ran a full 2 hours and could have benefited from some more editing, but what the hell, I loved every minute.
Michael Brice was a bodyguard who fell precipitously from grace after a high-profile client was assassinated on his watch. Even though he was still highly competent he was suffering from his diminished status and a failed love affair with an Interpol agent. He was reduced to still dangerous but less glamorous jobs, until he gets a call from his former lover agent, who demanded his services for a really important job.
He must protect the most deadly hit-man in the world against those who would prevent him from testifying against a murderous and extremely corrupt Vladislav Dukhovich, the dictator of Belarus. The deal to get Kincaid to court included a pardon for Ms. Kincaid, an over the top character (Salma Hayek) that you have to see to believe. Darius Kincaid, the most dangerous assassin in the world, had fallen in love with what looked like for all practical purposes, the most dangerous woman in the world. Their interaction was literally dynamite.
The balance of the movie consisted of vulgar, hilarious and sometimes unintentionally touching interactions between Reynolds and Jackson. They mostly discussed their deadly professions and their love lives. This was a comedy/action movie, punctuated often by back and forth verbal sparring. This unlikely duo took a meandering and comical route "to get to the church on time". In this case, however, the church was an International Court in Belarus, and the route was littered with car chases, boat chases and exploding everything. There was also almost non-stop gunfire and unlikely but highly entertaining fight scenes.
This movie is obviously not for everyone, but if you are a fan of non-stop action and good-natured, but deadly bantering, The Hit-man's Bodyguard is a rocking good time. Oh, and don't miss the very last scene. If this one didn't have you leaving the theater with an ear to ear grin, then this movie was not for you.
Alien: Covenant (2017)
Alien: Covenant totally ruined my life...according to some butt/hurt Fanboys
There were, of course, some Lingering Questions after Alien: Covenant. More questions will be asked, both before and after Ridley Scott's next installment, but the biggest question I have is "Why did so many people hate Alien: Covenant and Prometheus so vehemently"? One of the most obvious and common complaints from the Horror genre is the "Don't do that, STUPID!" This was especially annoying since the "stupids" were scientists and supposedly brilliant.
I really enjoyed the movie, it was beautiful and thrilling and I did not suffer from any of the intense butt-hurt of the Alien fanboys and reviewers alike. Sure, neither Prometheus or Alien:Covenant matched the horror of Alien or the delicious action and acting in Aliens, but what does? Compare Alien: Covenant to some of the other trash that has been masquerading as action movies. Comparatively, Prometheus and Alien: Covenant are both virtual masterpieces.
The complainers mewled and whined about the broken promises, unanswered questions, Ridley's ambiguity, the horrible writing of Lindelof or O'Bannon, plot holes, and imperfect CGI. Many of the detractors, instead of doing something productive like getting drunk or laid after watching, hunkered down over their keyboards by the hundreds. They emotionally pounded out 1/10 * reviews (Heartbroken and Disappointed :/) to IMDb, with endless numbered lists of the flaws in Alien: Covenant. Boo-Hoo.
If you really want something to complain about, re- watch Alien 3.
The Beckoning Silence (2007)
Another magnificent Man v. Mountain where Mountain wins.
*This review contains spoilers*
The Docu-Movie Touching the Void is the Godfather of all mountain climbing movies. Just watching this movie turned Roger Ebert into a quivering, blubbering mess. Touching the Void is a Docu-drama based on the calamitous events that occurred when Joe Simpson and Simon Yates attempted to ascend and descend the Siula Grande in Peru. Beyond all odds, Joe Simpson somehow survived this ordeal where he was presumed to be dead, in a reenactment that must be seen to be believed. Joe lost 1/3 of his body weight and the injuries to his leg were so severe that they required multiple surgeries over a period of 2 years. He was told that he would be lucky to ever walk again, much less climb. He did walk again and he did climb. He also wrote a couple of books and made two mind-blowing documentaries about mountain climbing tragedies. The Beckoning Silence (2007) is one of them.
In The Beckoning Silence Joe Simpson traveled to the North Face of The Eiger to give an account of one of mountaineering's most deadly tragedies. This tragedy was the ill-fated expedition of Toni Kurz and his 3 companions in 1936. Joe Simpson methodically and carefully sets the stage for what will be a totally catastrophic revelation of horror midway through the documentary. Joe Simpson had been there before. Not at this exact time and place, but in about as a precarious and hopeless dilemma as you could ever rip from the bowels of an icy hell. I didn't want to watch it anymore. I wanted to just turn it off and look away, but I didn't. From the mid-point on, the viewer is riveted to this train wreck in the Alps, and yes, there is a train that plays a part in this real-life horror show.
After the nightmarish and harrowing ordeal that he went through in Peru, for Joe Simpson to even write about the disaster of Eiger is amazing, much less to make a documentary about it. It was even more astounding for him to actually climb this mountain to the point where these four men died
I just don't have the words to describe this. This guy has a set that would make John Holmes look like a eunuch, but that's another story. The re-enactment by the actors was superb, as well as excruciatingly painful to watch, as you already know the outcome. The unforgiving attributes of Mother Nature were well known, and never had they been more unsympathetic than with this alpine terrain and its weather. Mother Nature has no Fairness Doctrine, only the cold, hard physics of the atmosphere and its lapidary counterparts. Granite is hard, water freezes at 0 degrees C., it is cold and slick, and gravity asserts itself every single time.
Inches and details count, and Toni Kurz was only yards away from his rescuers when a knotty problem sealed his destiny with The Grim Reaper. I know that I have previously shown disdain for mountain climbers, and this outcome was very hard to watch and to accept, but it happened. This event had a significant impact on Joe Simpson and helped shape his life. "Why him and not me?" has never been a more soul-piercing reflection for Joe, who also dangled and danced with death at the end of a rope, while staring into the void below. If you believe in God, destiny, benevolent karma and fair play, don't watch this movie. If you want to see what nature is capable of, with with no malevolent intent whatsoever, watch this documentary.
Road to the Well (2016)
Road to the Well will blow you away. Excellent indie movie
I don't usually leave reviews here as I submit them as external reviews from Ruthless Reviews. It is a shame that movies like Road to the Well don't get more attention, but it's a tough business. Apparently, only a few people have watched this gem of a movie written and produced by Jon Cvack, but do yourself a favor and fire up this movie from amazon,iTunes, Xbox or Playstation, you won't be sorry.
The acting, cinematography and score are riveting. This is a story about friendship and unexpected murder. The tension is electric and the twists and turns are shocking, as the viewer is led down the dark road to the inevitable conclusion. I highly recommend this movie, 9.5/10.
Read full review here at Ruthless http://www.ruthlessreviews.com/32608/road-to-the-well-2016/
Piranha Sharks (2017)
Piranha Sharks and humans. Hilarity ensues.
I'm not going to enter a long review here. I will have a complete review at Ruthless Reviews, check us out. Anyway, about the movie... I thought that it was a pretty outstanding effort for what it was. Let's be realistic, these guys are going to lose money on this film, and I hate that. It was a great effort and a study in the concept of not letting your reach exceed your grasp. The acting was amazingly competent and hilarious. The editing and cuts were surprisingly crisp. I liked it, I really did.
I appreciate the "reach out" from the makers of the film. We were both appalled by the lasted Sharknado pile of **** from Asylum. I just wish that this film could have more exposure, but alas, it will die a unnoticed death.
Sharknado 2: The Second One (2014)
Sharknado 2 has no laughs and no energy
I vividly remember a sweltering Saturday night in July of 1975 when my wife and I stood in line with a couple of thousand other people at the Park Theater in Memphis, Tn. We finally procured our tickets, found a couple of empty seats and I purchased two large Cokes to quench our thirst and returned to my seat. Every seat was occupied as we prepared to watch a sizzling movie that changed forever the way humans viewed the ocean and it's horrifying contents. I'll never forget Clint's nails on the chalkboard and I'll never forget the 2 hours of the same that I endured last night as I watched a travesty called Sharknado 2.
Sharks have been on this earth around 450,000,000 years. I'm confident that if they could assemble and communicate, they would gladly agree to jettison 100 million years of streamlining evolution just to peacefully live in an era of time that did not include Asylum Films and Tara Reid. Never before in the history of film have these magnificent creatures been so misrepresented, disrespected, taken out of their natural element and Subwayized.
I'm not going to waste a lot of time with this review. Sharknado 2 was awful on all levels of bad and was stripped of all the energy and humor of the first offering. The initial ten minute plane landing scene that was trying to tribute to Airplane was painful and seemed to drag on for an hour. My hopes for an early exit of Tara Reid's were dashed as she survived the mid-air shark attack and only lost a hand. I think that one huge reason that this movie went down the toilet is that they went out of their way to try to humanize Tara Reid in this issue, and failed miserably. Gone was the brooding indifference that we all loved in the first film. She was even more horrible when she tried to smile and act, and what in the hell was the point of the scene where she rescued Little Orphan Annie from behind the dressing screen at the hospital? WTF?
The plot was worse than horrible with Fin's goofy brother and family being in the way of everything...Why were they even there? As the movie mercifully progressed, we had flaming sharks from above and lurking sharks from rising waters below. Without going into any more painful details, the New Yorkers were rallied and with brooms, pitchforks, torches and Booyahs!, they managed to defeat the sharks and tornadoes and restore order to the city.
I must mention the relentless product whoring that began immediately with two Coors Light cans on the airplane and continued with Subway everywhere, with even that worthless Jared making a cameo. There were homages to Airplane, The Evil Dead, Happy Days w/Fonz and continuous product slutting with Yellow Cab, Citi Bike, more Subway and no telling what else I missed while I was dozing off. What made matters even worse were the incredibly long commercial breaks, but considering what I was watching, these may have been a blessing in disguise.
Snowpiercer (2013)
Snowpiercer: Bong goes American for a fine film
I really like Korean Film (Thanks, Steen). When I saw that Joon-Ho Bong was making a movie for us Americans, I was both thrilled and apprehensive, not knowing how badly things would be screwed up. Certainly unknown to most casual moviegoers, Joon-Ho Bong is a Master and is known for movies like "Barking Dogs Never Bite" (2000), "Mother" (2009) and the blockbuster masterpiece "Memories of Murder" (2003). There were demands for changes to shorten the film, do voice over explanations so that idiotic Americans from Tennessee and other great states would be able to follow the film without scratching their heads, crying,or blaming The Kenyan for their own stupidity, but I'm getting off the trail here. A compromise was reached and fortunately the movie was not totally ruined.
Snowpiercer was all about the effects of Global Warming and the resultant human attempted intervention that backfired horribly. What we are left with is a Super, perpetual motion engineered train that circumvents a now frozen and snowy planet, in a continuous loop. Yes, I know, there are plot holes galore, and if the viewer lets himself be distracted by them, the movie will not be enjoyable. As in most science fiction movies, much disbelief must be suspended for the viewer to enjoy the movie without poisoning the outlook with details. I don't know how the residents were chosen, where the chickens or bugs came from and I really do not care, as far as I am concerned there is enough back story and unless you have just a rotting sponge masquerading as your brain, you should be able to figure it out enough to enjoy it. If not, go enjoy "God is Real" or an Adam Sandler movie.
There were some outstanding acting performances in this film. Chris Evans (Captain America) is smashing as Curtis, the reluctant but passionate physical leader of the rebellion. His character is painstakingly developed and he seems somehow inconsolable and as the action dies down and more details of the grisly history of the rolling tenement is revealed, we find out exactly why in a chilling series of revelations. Tilda Swinton was magnificent as Mason. Her character was both deeply chilling and hilarious at the same time as she dominates every single scene she is in. The over-the-top cold-blooded intensity set the tone for the ever rolling Snowpiercer, which was both an engineering marvel and a chamber of horrors. "Know your place. Accept your place. Be a shoe."
Alison Pill totally killed it as the pregnant and precious teacher in what I thought was the best scene in the movie, the unbelievable and surreal scene in the school room of the train. To write more would spoil things, but it was both shocking and gratifying as the Director cleverly used this bizarre pause in the action to reveal critical information about the Wilford Express. The magnificent Ed Harris was almost unrecognizable as Wilford, but as always (Radio excepted) delivered a stellar performance late in the film.
The cinematography, sets and music were high points in this film and we must appreciate what a difficult job it must have been to present a realistic, or as realistic as possible setting. The rear of the train is just grimy and claustrophobic, a picture of sadness and chronic human misery. The contrast of this human wave of despair with the front of the train is almost cartoonish, but Bong balances these interludes of stark differentiation of the classes near perfectly.
I considered NOT viewing this film for several reasons, not the least of which is the disdain for this type of movie, but the magical name of Bong gave it instant credibility. The movie is destined for a long life as a cult favorite in my opinion. In the spirit of Metropolis or 1984 the peons realize that the pigs are walking on their hind legs as their fate deteriorates as the metal capsule and trailing carloads of humans makes its never-ending journey to nowhere. The movie is far from perfect and does stumble and drag as The Train is a huge, magnificent organism, supposedly eternal, but all things much eventually succumb to molt, rust, decay and death, and the viewer is given some home for the survival of the microorganism that crawl from the ashes.
I must comment about the negative reviews of Snowpiercer, and there are plenty. This entertaining film was universally praised by professional critics, but drew a lot of fire from what is the Comic Book Crowd, I guess. This is not a surprising reaction from those basement dwellers whose number one source of entertainment outside of Loliporn is abusing their parent's vacuum cleaner and whose number two source of entertainment is throwing loaded vacuum cleaner bags off of Interstate overpasses onto passing vehicles. O.K., fine, I get it, Snowpiercer is not a perfect movie and perhaps some of the cuts should have been made, especially at the end, but for the most part this Sci-Fi work of Korean cinema was most watchable and enjoyable. For you detractors, just view the train as a video game cipher, going from level to level, and you should be fine.
Noah (2014)
Noah is a mess, Evangelical and Atheist alike should hate it
Seriously, I looked forward to this movie with glee, but that anticipation was quickly snuffed out in the first 15 minutes of the film. No comfort could be taken in the knowledge that Aronofsky had taken additional liberties with the already laughably ridiculous account that was in Genesis. I read the Biblical verses before I left just to make sure that I would not be disappointed, but there was no salvation or solace in this miserable movie. Let's see, Mad Psychopathic Max (Noah) teams up with Rock Transformers to do the will of a even more demented god concept and orchestrate the end of the world. Hey, humankind deserves it for eating the apple and then raping the earth. This was such a wooden, hamfisted mess that I was continuously pinched by my date for mocking the movie, out loud all throughout. Aronofsky, you are dead to me for this atrocity, an 138 minute long gulag, with no redemption.
Cutting Edge: The Wet House (2002)
The Wet House is unsettling, but excellent
This is an incredibly hard to watch hour-long documentary on housing formerly homeless drunks. I don't use the word "drunks" flippantly or judgmentally, that's exactly what these people are. There is not the slightest hint of rehab here and no pretense at all about these down and out human beings. These are not functioning alcoholics, these are beaten and beaten up individuals who have lost all hope in their lives. Watching this film makes the viewer feel more like he or she is watching X-Rated "misery porn", than just being a curious kibitzer, as these people are not homeless, but definitely hopeless. They live in a Wet House.
This daily sideshow is amazing, showing virtually every resident walking or stumbling with the same unsteady gait, and virtually every resident carries around a blue plastic bag with tall blue cans of strong beer. When I write "strong beer", I'm referring to a lager that is 9% ABV, which is twice as strong as conventional American adjunct lagers. Most residents admit to drinking 8-9 of these 15.5 oz. cans a day, which would be the equivalent of drinking a case of 12 oz. cans of Budweiser daily, that's 24 cans, a staggering amount of alcohol.
The residents of the Wet House are universally on welfare, or draw the British equivalent of Social Security and pay 20 Pounds a week for room and board in this human corral of supervised inebriation. "I stopped drinking water" a resident tells the visiting physician, who has clinic only in the morning, as by noon most of these pathetic shells of human misery are already well into their daily allotment of beer. The doctor is merely going through the motions, not because he does not care, but because there is no realistic hope for these people to change, most of their medical problems being caused by the enormous daily intake of alcohol. Wet House is Hospice for Drunks, the end of the line.
They drink all day long, every day, and in the hopelessly bleak living room, they bicker, sing, bellow in mock rage, quarrel, fight and reminisce, always with thick and slurred tongues. Jamie Dodger, one of the few females here, twitches and babbles incoherently while puffing on a bag of glue. These people all bear the scars of their lifestyle as we see one man who is horribly disfigured because he was set on fire by his fellow vagrant thugs while he was homeless. The faces of alcoholic abuse are ravaged and ancient, even though most of these people are in their 30s and 40s.
There is also professional staff here, but there is little intervention except to clean up their messes and to break up the numerous half- hearted drunken fights that occur on a regular basis. Realistically, these residents are so totally inebriated that their "fights" would be comical if they were not so pathetic. These people are so totally wasted and without redemption, and yes this is an uncensored glimpse of the very endgame of their lives.
Oh, this is not in America, attempts to implement similar houses in the United States have been met with great opposition in spite of studies in The Journal of the American Medical Association that show that the programs save money and actually reduce the amount of alcohol consumed. Realistically, nothing like this could easily exist in the present day judgmental America, this is in Great Britain, where there is some sort of social safety net for it's citizens, regardless of how wretched. America has a history of being judgmental pricks when it comes to any substance enjoyment or sexual aberration, so the pious outrage will prevent anything like Wet Houses from being anything more than a concept. These houses do exist in America, but only in a few isolated spots.
As the credits rolled, the "In Memory Of" included nearly every single person that was in the documentary. Hard drinking does kill, but at least these people died with a roof over their head instead of out in the sewer. This is an obscure video, only found on YouTube and represents a realism that you may or may not want to view.
Tin Men (1987)
Most underrated comedy ever. Great movie about Sales.
This was a comedy near masterpiece and one of the best movies about Salesmen ever made. This vastly underrated and obscure movie really entertains as Dreyfus and DeVito deliver a bellicose duet of tit-for-tat with no holds barred ferocity. The dialogue, acting and pacing of this movie are wonderful and it's all about the sleazy world of Aluminum Siding Sales. There is not a shred of virtue among the two stars or their magnificent supporting cast. We are shown Sales techniques that we all suspected existed, and the Home Improvement Commission is also interested in these guys, but not in a good way.
Mix into the fray of these questionable business practices the intense and violent personal feud between BB Babowsky and Ernest Tillie and the never-ending personal waterloos for the latter, and you have a recipe for hilarity. A fender bender with two Cadillacs erupts into full scale war and the ultimate outcome is hilariously surprising. I cannot say enough about the supporting cast and their continuous contribution to this movie, this is what made it great. The never-ending discussion about the deficiencies in realism of the time period show Bonanza ("This show is about a 50 year old father and his 3 47 year old sons
from different mothers!") was genuinely inspired, as well as Sam's vegetable epiphany about god at the smörgåsbord (salad bar).
Nothing goes right for Tillie, as he deals with setback after setback. His car is smashed, he is broke because he's lost his Sales touch, his marriage is in shambles and the Home Improvement Commission as well as the IRS are knocking on his door. BB Babowsky seems to be winning their violent feud, but in a surprising twist, his plan for the ultimate revenge has some very unintended consequences.
These men love their dark and questionable careers as much as they love their Cadillacs and the continuous revelations about their trade, and its shoddy sales practices, are priceless. If you can find this movie, buy it.
Salesman (1969)
The gut-wrenching reality of being a Salesman
This documentary about Salesmen is simply awesome. Set in the 1960's, this film brings to life the reality of four Bible Salesmen. We have Paul "The Badger" Brennan, Raymond "The Bull" Martos, Charles "The Gipper" McDevitt and James "The Rabbit" Baker. These drummers pitch the reverence, serenity and beauty of their gaudily illustrated and over- priced goods, but there is no peace for the figidity, knuckle-gnawing, chain-smoking and desperate men in this documentary, especially for "The Badger". Failure, fear and despair was written all over his face as he has lost his touch, mostly because of his own soured attitude, and there will be no stopping this decline because he just cannot close any more.
The sales targets, as you might guess, are people who can afford it the least, poor Catholic families in middle to lower middle class neighborhoods. "We're from the Church" is the first lie that comes out of their mouths as these hucksters use Jesus and guilt to try to separate money from those who cannot afford, and do not need yet another Bible. After a gut-wrenching and intimidating Sales Meeting, they move their dog and pony show from snowy Massachusetts to Florida, but nothing really changes for the desperate salesmen.
I mean, why mince words, these guys are creeps and no one is more creepy than the inevitable Sales Manager, a wide-eyed gunslinger who ghosts their every activity. This asshole is the very embodiment of micromanagement by intimidation, and nothing was more disgusting and revealing than the fraudulent "role-play" in which he showed his uncanny ability to NOT LISTEN. I mean, this was ROLE PLAY using professional salesmen, but even there the tension was electric, it was just an amazing scene.
As a successful Salesman for 25 years, this documentary was depressing as hell and the misery showed on the faces of everyone involved. The body language was stunning, especially from the hapless prospects, with arms folded in defense. No one is happy here and these are pigeons who did not want to buy the goods from totally eviscerated salesmen. The last scene with the visibly defeated Badger was excruciating to watch and the mere fact that this ancient documentary has had such an impact on me is a testimony to its excellence. This is one of the greatest films on Salesmen ever, just watch it.
9/10 Stars, magnificent!
Door to Door (2002)
The most awesome Salesman ever!
Move over Joe Girard. Have another snort of Oxyclean, Billy Mays. Alec Baldwin, for you and your BMW, F**k You, that's his name because this guy (Wm. Porter) pounded out his route on foot and was the most Ruthless Salesman of all time. William H. Macey , in a magnificent tour-de- force, plays this real-life Salesman who sold Watkins Products for 40 years, mostly door to door on a 7 mile route in Portland Oregon. What a route this was too, as every home on these hilly streets seemed to have cathedral steps in front as well. Why this is important is that Bill Porter was significantly disabled, crippled with cerebral palsy as well as having a horrible speech impediment. He was also scary-looking enough to send children running from the door in fear.
Know your territory? This was a well-known slogan in the musical Music Man, but Bill Porter OWNED his territory,working it so hard, consistently and furiously that upon the death of one customer it was discovered that she had a virtual Watkins warehouse in one of her bedrooms. J.R. Watkin's top Salesman had the tenacity of a General Patton and the stealth of a komodo dragon when it came to getting orders for stuff like spices and laundry detergent, goods that could easily be obtained more cheaply at retail outlets. How tenacious was Bill? He was already crippled and had been run over by a bus, but he was pitching Double-Strength Almond Extract to his hospital roommate, who was in a body cast. There is no question in my mind that the next shipping day there would be cases of extract sitting next to the dying man's bed because Porter was just that driven to make the sale. Until his death, this guy was ALWAYS CLOSING.
Out of the Wild: The Alaska Experiment (2009)
Pick the most clueless and send them into the wild
I mean, really. I have watched several of the Alaska/Siberia survival and live off the land shows, and this one is painful to put it mildly. Why choose the worst decisions in spite of your meager, but straightforward training? I guess to make the show more thrilling..or whatever. Anyway,it is neither.
This show is predictable and pedestrian. I really don't know what else to say about this yawner of a mess. Of course, Americans will probably eat up this miserable excuse for a survival jerk off. What is the point of survival if you ignore all of the basic advice and common sense? I don't have anything else to say about this mess.
Avoid.