Change Your Image
ScottPortals
Ratings
Most Recently Rated
Reviews
The Cold Light of Day (2012)
How is this rated so low?
Ok it's not a work of art but once things get going this movie is tense and doesn't let up until the end. The acting is solid aside from Sigourney Weaver who was a miscast in my opinion. Lines were all flat except for one. Henry Cavill is great as the lead, with emotions and intensity that make sense given the situation. Bruce Willis is convincing and the rest of the cast all put in good performances. If you're a fan of car chases, the finale of this delivers a long one.
Everything else worked with solid cinematography. There aren't a bunch of quick shots where you can't tell what's happening. The action scenes benefit the most from this and there's no CGI that I could see. It's an entertaining thriller/action flick that doesn't cheat with what it's delivering.
Her Body (2018)
They're coming for a body
This is a good looking little film with convincing acting. It opens with a woman waking up rolled up in plastic and escalates quickly from there. I don't think I've seen the subject matter tackled quite like this which helped it feel unique. The gore effects were solid and realistic. It feels like the ending of a cool movie. This would be good drawn out into a feature length movie with the same team behind it. What happened before what we were shown? Worth 10 minutes of your life to watch it if you are a horror fan. I watched it on HBOMax.
The Crumbs (2020)
I need to smoke more weed before watching this
This starts out with the most unexciting and unconvincing home invasion that I've seen. The actors all seem confused. The camera angles didn't help. I'll admit I didn't make it far. It establishes they're cannibals right away in a nonchalant way. I guess the black guy is their houseboy? Slave? Maybe that's the twist. He's in charge and the family are like dolls in a dollhouse? Adding a spoiler warning for my made up spoiler. I guess I'll get high af and force myself to watch the rest and come back to give it a proper review.
The Whole World at Our Feet (2015)
Boring and long winded
Calling this an action movie is a stretch since there are only 3 or 4 very short action scenes all under 1 or 2 minutes. For the most part this is a crime/drama with a lot of people sitting around talking. Armand gets the most screen time. Bolo and Don are wasted. Bolo has one short fight where he throws two punches. That's it.
The cinematography is decent which is why I'm giving it 3 stars. Having this many b movie stars in one place should be a treat, but most of these are cameo appearances only. I ended up fast forwarding through the movie in a futile search for the action. One final note: the climax made no sense any way you look at it. These characters are truly stupid. Skip this and go watch Skin Trade instead.
V/H/S Viral (2014)
Lazy Horror
The first two V/H/S movies I enjoyed. They made me uncomfortable at times, explored some different ideas within the genre, and never put the tongue too firmly in cheek.
In the latest entry to the series the concept of its title is abandoned right away. Gone are the claustrophobic "it could happen anywhere" stories which were the strength of these movies. Instead we get "look at how everyone is making videos or everything you do is recorded somewhere". And VHS tapes really have nothing to do with this anymore aside from a confusing reference in the first story.
Onto the stories: The first story involving a magician is horribly acted. They also could have done more with the concept. Probably the worst in the bunch. Also it is a complete departure from the style and concept of filming for the two previous films.
The second story is the most interesting. Not scary, but it does keep you guessing.
The third story "Bonestorm" centered around skateboarders had the most potential. It seemed obvious right away that something bad was going to happen here. Then the tone changes a lot and our character's personalities are meaningless. Turns out this segment was done by two different directors. So that said, the first half is great. The second half disappoints. Also, there was a random moment of comedy stuck in an otherwise portrayed to be series entry. Killed all credibility.
And then there's the wrap around. Overall this is probably the best story except that it falls apart at the end. Really there are two or three extra little shorts contained within it which are interesting and give some merit to the movie.
If you liked the first two, you probably won't like this. Don't take my word for it though. This is just a review by some random dude on some website about movies. There are better horror movies you could waste time on is all I'm saying.
Z Nation (2014)
Zombies Done Right
The strange thing about this series is that it starts like every other bad Asylum production with bad acting and copying more successful attempts at the genre. From the beginning though it is obvious that they are at least attempting to try something different with each episode (though it still borrows heavily from the plot lines of TWD). You will see things here you won't see in TWD because TWD is a drama with zombies and this is a horror/comedy/drama centered around zombies. The walkers in TWD pose almost no threat anymore; the characters can walk into a field of twenty zombies, kill them all with a sword, and walk away unharmed. Here the zombies are vicious, constantly a threat, and have a good variety to them. As hard as it is to call something like this realistic, it is more realistic than TWD. Here you will see hordes of zombies (after all there are upwards of 300 million people in the US) instead of just a few at a time.
The special effects here are good, lots of gore, unique and bloody kills and circumstances. Although at the beginning of the series the tone is very goofy and tongue in cheek, about half way through season one it seems like the writers started taking it more seriously or at least trying to put more depth and thought behind it. That's not to say they lose their sense of fun. Even the acting improves over time. The pacing is better than TWD too as others have mentioned: you don't have to wait through 6 episodes of human drama before you get to the meat.
Overall, my rating might be high, but I would give TWD a 7, so this must be an 8. I look forward to seeing what happens in the second season.
Siu Tai Gik (1984)
Donnie Yen: Break dancing Mime
Donnie Yen's breakout role comes at the tail end of the old school martial arts boom in Hong Kong. Under the direction of Yuen Woo Ping it could go one of two ways: A kung fu based movie in the vein of Drunken Master and Snake in Eagle's Shadow or an even sillier excursion like Miracle Fighters or Shaolin Drunkard. This lands somewhere in the middle. I won't go over the plot, you can find it on other reviews.
This is mainly a goofy comedy with the fighting for the most part played for laughs. Puppets, fireworks, break dancing, bicycles are used as gags through the fights with the last couple fights displaying more of traditional styles. So is it any good? Let's get one thing straight: there is no drunken tai chi. I'm guessing the title was chosen to cash in on the drunken boxing craze that was on its last leg at the time. There is some great Tai Chi on display here. The training sequences are fun and the application is great. Donnie Yen also has a couple scenes using the rope dart which are stand outs.
If you are a big fan of Donnie Yen or just very goofy comedies with the Yuen clan's usual weirdness this will be up your alley. If you are looking for something more packed with fights and less goofy comedy I'd recommend Magnificent Butcher, Knockabout, or Legend of a Fighter, all classic Hong Kong films directed by Mr. Yuen.
Xi you: Xiang mo pian (2013)
Hustling the Odyssey
When I heard Stephen Chow had a new film out, I rushed to see it. After all, the movies he writes and directs are in general his best. I figured even with him being only behind the lens instead of in front that it should be on par with God of Cookery, Kung Fu Hustle, Shaolin Soccer, Love on Delivery. Alas it seems that we have a rehashing here of everything that worked elsewhere, but doesn't so much here.
There are very few funny moments here that you haven't seen in another film of his. In particular it borrows heavily from Kung Fu Hustle, but without the style that made it unique. It's silly for sure. Where is the brilliant word play though that Chow is so well known for? We have lots of poorly designed CGI, which in the end may be its greatest fault. We also have a love element, but gone are the punctuated moments of tragedy that hit despite being in a comedy (like the breaking of the sucker in Kung Fu Hustle or the taste of the buns in Shaolin Soccer).
I didn't dislike it, but it wasn't what I hoped it would be. I didn't feel connected to the characters, I didn't laugh much, I wasn't blown away by the action.
Stephen Chow love aside, this is bad CGI fantasy with no real sense of pacing, but if you take his name out and just look at it like a cheap rental or watch then it may be worth it.
Texas Chainsaw 3D (2013)
Missed Opportunity Due to the Missing Key Element
There's a reason the original and some of its sequels/reboots worked. It wasn't just about a psychotic killer with a chainsaw. It was about a psychotic family, one of whom uses a chainsaw. Here we have the crazy family mostly stripped away. With it, the psychological side of horror leaves as well.
Texas Chainsaw attempts to be a sequel to the original and introduces us to the world by reviewing the events of the first film from 1974, then making the rest of the film an extended epilogue to that. The first time I watched this (in the theater) I came out feeling disappointed as a long time fan of the series. Where was the gore and suspense? Where was the creepiness that created the horror outside of the shocking violence? After watching it again I think I judged it a bit too harshly, though it was no less disappointing overall. There is certainly a fair amount of gore, but the environment itself is sorely underutilized. Everything is mostly modern and non threatening (in contrast to the house itself being part of the madness) with the exception of Leatherface's lair. A small box does not a big picture make.
They tried with the story here to add some depth to the legend, but in the end we are in a universe where Leatherface is just a character inserted for the sake of plot; someone to be even sympathized with despite being a brutal and ruthless killer. Not even particularly mentally unhinged as early incarnations would have us believe. If anything, this Leatherface is perhaps the least psychotic he has been. I understand that he is meant to be in his older years, but there is much less intensity in the character than ever before. It doesn't feel psychotic, it feels measured.
The best way I can summarize is that it didn't leave me with any sense of dread after which a good horror movie should. Theoretically, a good sequel could be made to this (though hopefully never will be). There is ground work here for something more, but it's just not smart enough to close up the loop holes to provide solid ground to start from. They need more crazy, unhinged family to balance it out. It's all about family after all, isn't it?
I Didn't Come Here to Die (2010)
A fun low budget romp
I haven't reviewed in years, but felt compelled to with this one since it strikes me as a diamond in the rough for fans of horror. I'm not going to rehash the plot much as there's no need: a group of volunteers go to the woods and bad things happen. No elaboration needed.
The intro to this is a well done throwback, but as the movie continued I found myself weary of the picture quality and the acting. It felt so low budget that I almost turned it off and dismissed it, but I'm glad I didn't.
Once the action starts it keeps going until the end. The movie has some great gore and tension. Given the budget they pulled off some great scenes and the fx are better than most low budget horror but not Hollywood for sure.
I rented this for a dollar and some change at redbox. The cover picture is misleading, ignore that. I've kept this review purposely vague as you will get more from it if you just watch it. Mostly for horror fans who don't need a huge budget and all plot holes filled to enjoy a movie.
P.s. - skip the previews on the DVD and just go to the film.