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What were they thinking???
Laughable attempt at a live action Aladin, this poorly conceived "movie" is more akin to a cheap saturday morning kids show than an actual film version of a play. Imagine Aladdin in china with EVERY characters played by VERY white american actors, including the emperor which looks like a sloppy overweight redneck. The musical numbers and cringe-worthy but the actors do a fine job with the material they had. Rightfully forgotten.
Terminator 2: Judgment Day (1991)
Everything that is wrong with hollywood encapsulated in a movie.
The Terminator was brilliant. A slasher film featuring not a mask-wearing maniac, but a killing machine from the future. I still remember how shocked everyone was in 84 at the end when the metal skeleton stands up from the fire and resumes his pursuit of Sarah Connor! The movie was tight, well written, brilliant set up.
Fast forward 7 years and tons of millions of dollars in budget latter and you get this, a mess of a script covered by CGI that, while ground breaking in its day, now looks like terrible PS1 cut scenes. You know the film will suck as soon as Arnold arrives, repeats the same clothes stealing scene from the first one, but exits on riffs from "Bad to the bone"... cringe. Then, the unbearable kid is introduced and the real weakness of the script is exacerbated. While the original worked perfectly as a love story unfolding between the victim and her hero protector, under the constant looming shadow of the relentless killer in pursuit, this one waste time between uninteresting scenes with Sarah in a mental institution, idiotic "funny" scenes with her whinny sons, and scenes with Arnold who does little but stand still in a trance or shoot a gun here or there. There is at least one character too many. The mom and her kid together, or the kid and the machine together would have worked a lot better. I remember falling asleep the first time I rented the VHS in 92 or 93. Now on blu-ray, I just stopped it watched in in 3 sessions and found it tedious to finish. You can put as many explosions and special effects as you want, this is not even 1/10th as good as the first one.
Star Trek: Picard (2020)
Ignore the 10 star reviews by CBS shills, this series is every bit as worthless as Star Trek Discovery. Garbage-bin writing more akin to a soap opera than an A-Grade science fiction show, appallingly moronic characters, idiotic plot, F-Word galore I could go on for hours as to why this abysmal show has NOTHING to do with Star Trek, but I'm sure you can see it for yourselves. Alex Kurtzman will continue to ruin Star Trek the way JJ Abraham has ruined Star Wars.
Doctor Sleep (2019)
Stanley Kubrick was a genius. The Shinning stands as one of cinema's greatest masterpiece. Remove all of Kubrick's great ideas stolen by this worthless crap and you'd get a made for Netflix B-Movie of no interest whatsoever.
Worst, because the ending is basically just a scene by scene, shot-by-shot remake of The Shinning, Doctor Sleep will literally ruin it for them.
Yes, that's exactly what these talentess hacks are doing, raping masterpieces. Stop encouraging sequels, prequels and remakes.
Rambo: Last Blood (2019)
Abysmal and worthless in every sense
Imagine if The Asylum company were tasked to make a Rambo movie and were given 50 millions to do it. Well, it wouldn't be worse than this. This revolting mess of a "movie" looks cheap to booth, you'll be left wondering who pocketed the 50 millions.
First Blood, 8/10 Rambo - First Blood Part 2, 7.5/10 Rambo III, 4/10 Rambo, 2/10 Rambo - Last Blood, 1/10
Jay and Silent Bob Reboot (2019)
Talentless hack Kevin Smith is at it again and one wonders who puts up the cash for these. Avoid this like the plague.
Abyssmal rip-off of The Ring and Final Destination
Zero skills, zero craft and zero talent went into producing this by-the-numbers horror film that has literally nothing interesting or unique going for it. Avoid.
The Sex Doll She-Bitch (2009)
Worthless in every way
Don't listen to that one, fake review giving this garbage a 9/10. Shot on home video by amateurs, the whole thing is basically juvenile jokes and what seems to be semi-improvised dialogue. 35 minutes will seem like 3.5 hours. Avoid.
Hommes à louer (2008)
Quite possibly the worst documentary ever filmed.
The subject matter is interesting, the stories compelling, but the idiot filmmaker decided to make a 2h24min documentary solely with extreme close ups of faces. Literally unwatchable.
Hampered by a few problems, this finale is a mixed bags.
When it's good, it's great, but it's deeply flawed.
1- they turned Stormtroopers into clowns. They keep showing them dying hundreds almost at a time by the hands of 1 or 2 characters, but then we're supposed to buy that the only way to survive against a handful is by letting IG-88 self-destruct?
2- Weak vilain. Herzog was amazing in the part of the mysterious imperial operative. It had a great Boys in Brazil feel to it. But then, they introduce an old guy that looks like a skinny jazz musician with zero on screen presence and we're supposed to be impressed by him more than by Herzog?! That was a massive casting error. You needed a GREAT actor, even a known one trump him. Moreover, it was a mistake to cast a black actor in that part. The original trilogy purposely cast American actors as rebel fighters but only white men with European accents as Imperial officers. Of course they were patterned after the Nazis, but they represented all european colonial empires of the 19th century, arrogant, ethnocentric, which was the whole point of having them defeated by freakin' primitive Teddy Bears in Return of the jedi (which Lucas said represented the Viet Cong kicking the superior American army's rear end). The evil empire is not meant to be an open, culturally diverse entity. They're meant to emulate Nazis as portrayed in cheap serials and WWII action flicks starring Errol Flynn.
3- Showing Mando's face on camera. The mystery is always better.
Surprisingly dull and uninteresting
This one is probably the least annoying of the Disney-era Star Wars (and that's not saying much). After they ripped-off the original Star Wars in Force Awaken, after they went prequel-bad on Last Jedi, JJ Abrams went back to Star Wars' roots and finally created something that feels more like a new film that continues the old trilogy. The problem is that it's boring as heck. If I had been watching it on Netflix instead of a theater I probably would have skipped a lot of it, and some of it action sequence. Maybe Star Wars is just creatively bankrupt, but the most exciting ideas they could have was to paint some costumes and sets red.
Just enjoy the Mandolorian.
In the Tall Grass (2019)
Razor-thin concept stretched to 1h 40 minutes
What would have made a neat 30 minute Twilight Zone episode is nonsensically stretched for 100 minute with boring characters, cliché dialogue and near non stop screaming. Full of annoying spinning cameras and pretentious abstract sequences (a formula followed by nearly all Netflix sci-fi/horror movies), the movie feels like it's coming to a natural conclusion at around the 60 minute mark, only to be painfully prolonged another 40 minutes with utter non sense.
Ready or Not (2019)
Would have been a great British comedy
Too gross and dark to be funny, too silly to be scary. The interesting premise is ruined by a Cabin in the woods style treatment of moronic horror comedy complete with truly awful dialogue (have a drinking game with every time they say the F-word and you'll die of alcohol poisoning in the first act).
Would have been better either as a Get Out type of unsettling horror or as a British comedy with icon Pegg and Nick Frost.
The first stinker of the series
Straight out of bad 70's/80's episodic sci-fi comes this tale of David Banner/The A-Team/Planet of the Apes astronauts/Mandalorian venturing into a tiny village in an inexpensive to shoot into woodland, peopled by a handful of extras in appallingly cheap costumes. Our hero(s) attracts the affection of a window/orphan and he/they must save the village from some bad guys before deciding to move on because The journalist/Military/Ape army/Bounty hunters are after him/them.
Highly predictable and boring, the episode is further hurt by the presence of Gina Carano who's lack of acting ability shines disastrously with every single line delivery. He's hoping this is not the direction the show is heading, the first three episodes were top rate Star Wars.
This is not really a movie as much as an amateur project. The sets, the acting, the terrible DSLR look, everything looks like an amateur production done with pocket money. The script is awful, the characters as cliché as they get... There is zero reasons to watch this.
Ninja Immovable Heart (2014)
One third Glen or Glenda, one third Neil Breen and one third Birdemic with Ninjas, this inane action "film" is a cheap shot on DSLR with tons of crappy "looks" filters excuse for adult nerd Rob Baard to play-pretend is a ninja (and play-pretend he's a filmmaker).
Like Glen or Glenda, the film seems like a strange excuse for the filmmaker to introduce his weird philosophy through inept, non-sensical dialogue (a scene where a main character discusses the danger of smoking, drinking and one-night stand is not to be missed). Also like Ed Wood's anti-masterpiece, this film continuously intercuts to an aging former star, Bela Lugosi....errr.... I mean Dany Glover, spouting random b.s. and commenting what's going on in the movie as if he could somehow watch it with us.
Like Neil Breen's films, Ninja Immovable Heart is utterly non-sensical, jumps back and forth between reality, fantasy, flashbacks, scenes that are supposed to take place 10 years earlier have the same makeup with fake injuries than scenes taking place today, weird super-power stuff that this incredible hero possesses to save everybody in a near-messianic manner.
Like Birdemic, this film is the work of a talentless, unskilled fan who cannot understand he has neither the skills nor the means to achieve the vision he must have had. Laughable effects, fight scenes that resembles 8 years old play fighting to a Chuck Norris movie, and amateur actors who, except for Glover and the old man playing John Carpenter (that's the character's name for real) can't act at all.
If you are a fan of the terrible films I mentioned and of things like MST3K, Rifftrax and Best of the Worst, definitely watch it. Otherwise avoid this like the plague.
Don't Be Afraid of the Dark (2010)
Godawful, pretentious remake
The original Don't be Afraid of the Dark was one of those awesome made-for-TV horror flicks that marked my generation's childhood in the 70's. Trilogy of Terror, Duel and The Night Stalker are other great examples. What filmmakers (such as Duel's young Steven Spielberg) were very strong at was creating everyday characters we all identified with, then putting them in extraordinary circumstances and then seeing how they used our modern world's logic to face such issues.
Why the long intro? This remake is EXACTLY what is wrong with so many movies made in the past 10 years. Uninteresting, cliché characters. They face extraordinary situations in the dumbest, most unrealistic ways. I would say that 99% of the filmmakers effort was put creating a fairytale-like mood with sets, lighting etc.
All and all, hunt down the original and again, forget the remakes.
Inane script further damaged by a literally incompetent director who shoots every scenes. from the worst angles imaginable and who makes the mistake of showing you the killers face (at least partially enough) to see him from the get go as an old bearded man. As soon as he puts his mask on, all you see is an old man with a white beard in an Halloween mask. Filmmaking 101. Everything sucks. The original Halloween was made for $100,00 (about the equivalent of $400,000 today) with no cheap digital stuff available. The idiots who wasted 10 million making this garbage should be ashamed of themselves.
Summer of 84 (2018)
Dull, unimaginative cross between Stranger Things and Rear Window
Surprisingly dull and uninspired, this film, visibly produced to cash in on the Stranger Things craze, is so badly scripted that it becomes baffling. Literally 90% of the scenes are completely useless. Most of them could be cut out without affecting what little. story is being told.
The movie starts with the kids talking about sex and looking at the playboy. Then they talk about the suspect buying tons of dirt every week, then they're at the bowling alley talking about sex and checking out girls, then they follow the suspect a first time and see him... buying dirt (IT'S ALREADY BEEN ESTABLISHED!!!), then a kid we have never seen gets kidnapped (he comes out of his house in the middle of the night for whatever reason, hears weird footsteps and runs away in a dark alley instead of going back right inside ??). NEVER will this kid's disappearance be mentioned! Then we see our moronic heros drinking while making more sex jokes, etc etc etc NOTHING is going on! Useless and dull scenes follow each others on and on until that moronic ending everyone is complaining about.
On the directorial side, the film is shot in the most bare bone, TV show style as if it was an episode of Degrassi. I seriously have no idea what movie the people who gave this great reviews saw, but it was obviously not Summer of '84.
The Whitlow House (2018)
NOT a real movie
Don't get fooled. This is NOT a real movie, real as in made by real filmmakers with real actors. It's a bunch of amateurs shooting non-actors with terrible quality video that constantly shake because they are too cheap to use a tripod.
Not scary, not interesting. Avoid.
Annabelle: Creation (2017)
Empty jump-scares, moronic decisions, is NOT about Annabelle...
A man creates an ugly doll and not long after his beloved daughter is killed in an accident. He and his wife starts praying whatever force will allow them to speak to her. Her ghost comes back and they allow it to inhabit the doll. After a while, they realize it's not their daughter but a demonic presence posing as such. After the creature attacks the mother and disfigure her, the church is called in to exorcise the presence and the possessed doll is locked up in a blessed closet.
Sounds like a cool movie right? Well it might have been, it THAT had been the movie! No, that's just a backstory told in flashbacks. This movie is about the aforementioned parents, a mean-looking old man and his invalid wife who (for some reason) allow an orphanage to set up shop in their possessed house (?!) They never have contacts with the kids, they just seem to tolerate them. Then every night the kids see dolls moving, demons etc but they NEVER scream for help, they NEVER tell the whole freaking story to anyone and they ALWAYS go back, ALONE, in the middle of the night in the most haunted room to play with a freakin' possessed doll that invariably attacks them.
Oh, and there's the doll(s) (I plural it because the doll seems to be at 4 places at the same time), there's a possessed girl, a freakin living scarecrow (???), a demon... It's clear they just threw whatever came to their mind on the script, never caring about the characters, their logic or motivation. Avoid. Watch the Conjuring 1 & especially 2 to see how a movie like this can be well done when crafted with care.
Literally unwatchable, dull ESB remake
Long, dull, lifeless remake of the great Empire Strikes Back. Interspaced with moronic humour that has nothing to do with the Star Wars universe.
There hasn't been a single good Star Wars film since the aforementioned 1980 chapter. I know they keep making money so they'll keep making these worthless, by-the-numbers product one after another for years to come, but it is very sad that the real magic that once was Star Wars has now been totally drowned by its sequels/prequels.
The Exorcist III (1990)
Dull and weak
The original is a masterpiece. The second is one of the worst major Hollywood film of all time, so where does the third one fit? Kinda of right n the middle, leaning more towards the bad.
First, the film is dull, VERY dull. You'll with the time every 10 minutes or so wondering how come nothing has happened yet. Jut stick with the original.
The Conjuring (2013)
A textbook case of how NOT to direct a film
Cinema has gotten worst year after year, decades after decades. We now live in a time where all films are pretty much on the same level: terrible and replicas of movies done before.
Someone insisted I watch The Conjuring with them, telling me how good it was.
The #1 issue is the incompetence of James Wan. Whoever he is, it is obvious he is unable to create a story in visual terms. The camera is CONSISTENTLY in the wrong spot or moving for no valid reason. If a character is looking under a bad or up a flight of stairs, to film this character FROM that place tells us there's nothing to be afraid of there since the camera is standing in that very same place. This ultra basic psychological technique which has been adhered to since Hitchcock is broken pretty much every chance this inept director gets.
There is no suspense or genuine scare. You jump from loud noise, cliché moving doll crap and the annoying camera-work keeps getting in the way of the mood they are trying to achieve. Pitiful.
Unimaginative ripoff of the original trilogy
OK, let's start by stating the obvious: JJ Abrahams sucks. He ruined the Star Trek universe, he help script Armageddon (yikes)... He is one of the worst, mot generic Hollywood junk food pusher there is. George Lucas might have turned insane at some point, but he was a TERRIFIC filmmaker when he made Star Wars, and a true film scholar. The amount of creativity that went into making his original trilogy is perhaps still unsurpassed in film history.
When Disney bought the franchise, people were concerned, the prequel trilogy was unwatchable but would Disney simply turn in into a generic Hollywood film series, diluting its magic and uniqueness.
Well, now we know, and the answer is a resounding YES.
They took a crap filmmaker and a bunch of unimaginative people and asked them "How can we make this more like the old ones, the ones people liked?"
"Huh... we... a... we need a droid being taken by scavengers on a desert planet and... a Boba Fett like guy, and a snow planet and a forest planet and..."
I mean seriously, the whole film feels like a complete remake of the original trilogy! Oh, with some really clichéd battle scenes or jokes here and there...
The special effects are well made yes, but they were well made in Godzilla too, I mean who cares, that's not what this is supposed to be about.
Watch the despecialized version of the old ones and forget about everything Star Wars that came after, including this one.