biscutbuu69's Reviews

A Perfect Child of Satan (2012 Video)

5/10

A Perfect Child of Satan might be Valentine's best fictional work, but it still isn't really worth seeking out.

23 November 2019

Having suffered through every single feature film from rapist/manipulator/abuser/all around bad person/director Lucifer Valentine and despising all of them other than the pseudo-documentary Black Metal Veins which is a horrifying film about heroin addiction and not Valentine's vomit/rape home movies edited into a feature. I figured I would give his one short film, which is also his second highest rated film, a watch because I hate myself and well...

It's predictable and kind of uninteresting but I was never really bored by it, I think the fact that it is a short film really helps in keeping it watchable. As an added plus it doesn't have any vomit or super explicit on screen violence. It actually has a plot to it and tries to develop the main character. The acting ain't too good but to be completely honest, I still found the last 5 or so minutes to be very uncomfortable and, dare I say, disturbing.

Basically the film is about a woman who is a prostitute meeting a guy online and believing he is the man of her dreams and you can tell where it goes from there.

This film and Black Metal Veins are proof that Valentine can make an interesting film without just making fetish gore out of his home movies of rape and vomit.

The man is still a monster mind you and I will never purchase or support his work directly so I'm not gonna recommend this film but If you REALLY want to seek it out just find it somewhere online for free.

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Jacob's Ladder (2019)

6/10

Not good? Sure! But not without its moments.

18 October 2019

The original Jacob's Ladder is a pretty good, spooky, depressing, gloomy, hallucinogenic horror film and I really like it, its like a 8-9/10 for me! Being someone who is open minded and hates to see a film that actually tries get trashed I decided to watch the remake just so see what we had on our hands. And sure its not a great movie, even on its own when not compared to the original, but when compared to the original its a bad movie, but even then there are elements to it that are pretty interesting and I would say keep the film from being "THE WORST MOVIE I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY ENTIRE LIFE! IT RUINED THE ORIGINAL! AVOID AT ALL COSTS!" like everyone else seems to think.

So instead of doing what everyone else is doing and writing a 2-3 sentence long review in all caps calling it the worst garbage since a caveman dropped fecal matter on the ground thereby creating the concept of garbage. I am gonna talk about the movie on its own..

Jacob's Ladder (2019) is about Jacob Singer a veteran of the war in Afghanistan who suffers from PTSD after his brother dies in combat. But once his bother shows up alive in the States Jacob's world is turned upside down and things get nightmarish.

While not as dark and consistently crazy as the original this film does manage to have some powerful moments and scares. Unlike the original I would say this film is far less surreal, no demons, eyeless surgeons, brain parasites or constant imagery of chain link fences. There are weird surreal head banging moments and people suddenly disappearing and some blood on the floor but no crazy monster effects or shaky surreal 35mm camera work (at least not until the final 10 minutes). This film is pretty grounded in reality even in its surreal moments.

Honestly the acting isn't bad and neither is the writing, they tried to do something different here without completely rehashing the original and they did an alright job. I don't think I'll ever watch this film again to be completely honest, but that doesn't mean its not worth a shot if you've got like 90 minutes to kill.

This film isn't as good as the original and the original film isn't as good as Buddy G's American Nightmares (AKA Combat Shock) which is the best surreal horror/drama about Vietnam, PTSD, life, death and existentialism.

Its not a good film and honestly it isn't that recommendable either but it most definitely isn't a 3.2/10 average bad, its competently made and does interesting things despite its flaws. Also if it wasn't titled Jacob's Ladder none of y'all would be mad or calling it the worst movie ever so please, shut up.

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Critters Attack! (2019 TV Movie)

6/10

NOT EVEN CLOSE TO AS BAD PEOPLE ARE SAYING

16 October 2019

I've been a fan of the Critters series since I was in my early teens, now in my 20s we have a new one and I was pretty excited, especially after The New Binge series came out on Shudder and was bad but pretty enjoyable. I had hopes that this would be a bit better considering its a film rather than a web series. And it is pretty decent, not great, but lets not lie here after the first Critters film the series went downhill pretty quickly but they were still fun and tons of people are just as nostalgic for the sequels as they are for the original. After seeing the average rating and high number of negative reviews on here I expected it to be as bad, maybe even worse than The New Binge, well I'm here to tell ya, this is nowhere near bad especially when compared to the original sequels or The New Binge. Either way, lets actually talk about this.

So as an entry in the series Critters 5 is about on par with the first or second sequel, its pretty much a standalone film though, you can watch and enjoy this film without any prior knowledge of the series and enjoy it just as much. The film is decently acted and has some good effects and practical puppetry and gore. The writing is fine, it kinda feels like a fan fiction with a sequel this late in the series trying to add more lore but its not as bad as the fan fiction feeling of The New Binge, if you have watched that series you will know why.

Judging the film on its own, its a pretty fun and entertaining direct to video/TV movie that is worth a shot if you got time to kill and are a fan of the series. Compared to the rest of the series, especially if you include everything, including The New Binge its a welcome entry to the series.

Is it bad? Sure from a serious critical stance it is, but that doesn't mean it isn't of quality in some ways and doesn't mean its not enjoyable. See it for yourself before letting the intensely negative, all caps, three sentence long reviews calling it "THE WORST MOVIE EVER MADE!! PLEASE STAY AWAY!" discourage you.

I give it a 6.5/10

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Tropical Cop Tales (2018–2019)

6/10

Nowhere near as bad as people say

9 February 2019

Rather than leaving a short, overly dramatic, reactionary review in all caps with five exclamation points after every sentence I'm gonna leave a reasonable (in both criticism and length) review of Jim Hosking's Tropical Cop Tales based on the first 4 episodes. Now look, if you didn't see or like the writer/director's previous works (the short film G is for Grandad and the feature debut The Greasy Strangler) then you may as well not give it a chance because this is exactly the same humor, style and visual wise. Personally if you aren't a fan of the weird stuff Adult Swim used to play ten years ago at 3am (Tim and Eric, Check it Out, Xavier: Renegade Angel, Tom Goes to the Mayor) or even some of the more recent weird stuff (The Eric Andre Show, Off The Air, Too Many Cooks, Unedited Footage of a Bear) then this is not for you. I think a good friend of mine said it best when he said that this was Adult Swim trying to get back to its weird, gross, absurd roots after getting a big mainstream hit like Rick and Morty. This is a niche show will almost no appeal to mainstream audiences which is a good thing, it provides some variety in terms of type of humor and content available on the programing block other than re-runs of Seth Macfarlane shows, Robot Chicken and Richard & Mortimer. But the bad thing about Tropical Cop Tales being a niche show is the large amount of negative feedback it gets from people who want only those re-runs on the block who then leave 2-3 sentence reviews in a reactionary fashion claiming it is the worst thing to ever air on TV. In my opinion it's a weird, wacky, gross, dumb, absurd show with good music and visuals. I find it very entertaining but it is far from perfect because it is on TV it can't go as far as The Greasy Strangler does which waters down the director's creativity. Either way I enjoy it and if you enjoy The Greasy Strangler, any of John Waters' early works or stuff like Tim and Eric then I would say give it a shot, the episodes are only 11 minutes long so it's not much time lost. So far (based on the first four episodes) I'd give Tropical Cop Tales a 6-7/10

EDIT: It is really great while drunk 7/10

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Dead American Woman (2010)

8/10

Peter Romeo Lambert is the John Waters of this century

9 November 2018

Dead American Woman is a dark comedy micro-budget horror film, shot in 2006 and the final cut was released by Massacre Video in 2018, from director Peter Romeo Lambert (Nurse Jill). The film is about a go-go dancer who is killed in a snuff film and a year later rises from the grave to get revenge.

So this movie is very obviously done on a low budget and I think even shot on digital video, I think so, I can't tell completely. Either way the acting and writing are okay, what there is of gore effects is pretty well done. The movie has a rather interesting atmosphere that is a mix of John Waters-esque Surreal Melodrama and slasher film cliches I mean the Waters vibes are strong here, one of the performances is reminiscent of Divine and one character reminds me of Mink Stole as Taffy in Water's Female Trouble. From a technical standpoint the movie looks rather cheap and the audio isn't that great but that is the fault of the shooting format, and not the filmmakers. Either way it gives the film a rather interesting aesthetic. The movie is pretty well paced and stays interesting, not a single boring moment I think.

On the Gore Meter from one to ten One being something like Nosferatu Ten being something like Peter Jackson's Braindead Dead American Woman is a 3.5 While this film doesn't contain any extremely graphic gore it does have its nasty moments.

The movie is far more sleazy, wild and graphic than Nurse Jill was. Which might turn fans of Lambert away. Personally I think it helps set it apart from the surreal, almost, classy nature of Nurse Jill. I'd recommend it to fans of Jill and fans of weird cult cinema like Female Trouble and The Greasy Strangler. And I will say it Peter Romeo Lambert is the John Waters of this century. 8/10

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Evil Bong 777 (2018)

1/10

Yet again Mr. Band makes me hate him even more

18 July 2018

Warning: Spoilers

Full Moon Features has put out some solid stuff over the years honestly. The Puppet Master films are classics, Intruder is good, Demonic Toys is fun yet bad so are the first few Evil Bong and Gingerdead Films and to an extent Charles has made some really great low budget horror over the years. After watching his effort from 2014 Trophy Heads I thought it was a step in the right direction and I really hoped that it would mark the return to form for Full Moon. This hope was shattered once I watched Evil Bong 420, which while it was horrible it had its moments (although the Gingerdead Man is more common than the titular villain). I expected High 5 to have its moments just like 420 did. Sadly there was nothing redeeming about High 5. Then I catch wind that not only is Evil Bong 6, oh excuse me I mean 666, in the works but that Charles Band is planning on making 20 Evil Bong Films. This has officially made me lose all remaining hope I had for Charles and for Full Moon (Note there wasn't much hope remaining anyway). So because I hate myself I sit down and watch Evil Bong 666 (clever title guys, really). Upon sitting down and watching it what do I find? A movie that is worse than High 5 but for one simple reason. While High 5 was in all honesty one of the worst movies I've ever seen, it made me feel something it gave me a lot to talk about in terms of how terrible it was. 666 on the other hand isn't so bad its infuriating, its so bad its boring. So here we are now, again, with Evil Bong 7 (on I mean 777, funny gambling joke guys) and again, not surprisingly at all this series continues to bore, irritate and make me want to die. The terrible weed jokes never end and even to a stoner they aren't funny in the slightest. Rabbit is the only character that has remained in the series and I honestly miss the stoners from the first Evil Bong movie. Ebee is there but she isn't really an antagonist anymore, there is nothing going on and nothing to laugh at even in a so bad its good way. The Gingerweed Man is here too but he is just so boring at least the original Gingerdead man had some personality and a few decent puns but this new guy is boring. The attempt to crossover with Killjoy continues to confuse and just annoy me. The acting is awful and its not like I need good acting to enjoy a movie I don't but I gotta mention it. The script is so unfunny it will fail to even make the most stoned of potheads laugh. The cast is all horrible, even if they all seem like they had fun with the film. The puppetry is bad and so are all of the practical and computer generated effects. Its consistently boring and just not really worth anyone's time even the biggest bad movie fan or stoner comedy junkie. The only even half decent moment in the film is a scene early on with a horrific life size Elvis Marionette and even that scene is some short lived weird erotic nightmare fuel. I found myself audibly groaning at how cringe inducing and beyond mediocre the film was, not even the nudity (It has less than the last one in the series) was appealing. To top it off, just like the last couple entries in the series the film ends right when any normal film, even with a budget this low, would be reaching its highest point of conflict so the conflict is dead on arrival. Easily one of the worst in the series, tied with Evil Bong 666. Quite possibly the worst horror comedy I have seen in a while. For the love of god please stay away from this.

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Cannibal Mercenary (1983)

7/10

Gore, Unintentional Hilarity & Racist Conical Hats

5 March 2018

This film is about a Thai Vietnam vet whose daughter is dying from polio agrees to go into the jungle and take out a drug lord who has an army of cannibals. Now if that ain't a cool plot I don't know what is. So it literally starts with our main character having a Vietnam flashback and then just doing some John Wick level stuff. So this guy offers him the job of saving some girl from the jungle and in return he'll get seven grand which I'm sure is enough to help is daughter. So when you see this characters hotel room, it looks kinda like the hotel room scenes in the opening of Apocalypse Now this film is basically a low budget horror version of Apocalypse Now.

For Starters the English dub is bad, not the worst I've ever heard but its pretty bad although I think it adds to the cheesy entertainingly bad nature of the film, same goes for the writing. Really everything is of bad quality other than some of the camera work and technical aspects. Also the gore in the film is well done and one of the more memorable aspects of the film that in combination with the bonkers plot and bad dubbing makes for a good time. The movie has this problem when there are a few scenes where you go in and assume that it is either a flashback or actually happening and they film doesn't tell you so you have to kinda sit there and wait for the movie to let you know which adds to the hilarious ineptness and humorous confusion the film has going on. This film is quite the gem of a bad movie and its surprisingly entertaining while it doesn't live up to its title. Also the film steals music from Lucio Fulci's City of the Living Dead which I thought was pretty funny and it isn't just used once its used like 7 times and every time it seems just out of place also music from Goblin's soundtrack to Dawn of the Dead is used. Plus all the Viet-Cong wear bright blue shirts and shorts with racist conical hats which make the film all the more cheesy and unintentionally hilarious. Its got this almost Ed Wood like quality with some of its continuity errors and stuff like that.

On the Gore Meter from one to ten One being something like Nosferatu and ten being something like Peter Jackson's Braindead Its a 4.5 not too gory but there is gore to be seen

Honestly I'm sad that a company like Arrow Video hasn't picked this title up cause I'd love to see an HD widescreen transfer of this film. Its exploitation trash cinema gold and the fact that it doesn't have much of a following or at least a decent release is a shame. I will admit it gets a little bit boring toward the half way mark but it quickly picks up. I'm gonna give it a 3.5/5

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Bag Boy Lover Boy (2014)

8/10

The insanity of Taxi Driver, Maniac & Buio Omega with some Waters-esque humor

15 February 2018

Bag Boy Lover Boy follows Albert a lonely guy who works at a hotdog stand, lives in a crappy run-down apartment and just looks at the pin-ups on his walls and wonders what life has to offer him. One day Albert is approached by a photographer who is strangely inspired by Albert's thick accent and grotesque face. The photographer, Ivan, offers Albert a job modeling for him but Albert doesn't want to model, he wants to photograph. When he is given the opportunity to use the skills Ivan inadvertently taught him Albert goes down a very dark path. It's a shame that it took 3 years for this film to hit home media cause this film, despite some performances and the low budget, is kind of great. I felt the writing was really solid all around and all the actors at least tried to give a good performance. The lead gives a really good performance which helps to make Albert a very sympathetic character. I think the film was very well paced and never really boring I didn't have any real problems with the film, I think its also very interesting it has that gritty grimy New York look that Taxi Driver or Maniac has. The film even has some really good gross-out humor similar to some of John Waters early works and psychosexual tones reminiscent of Buio Omega. Its a film I would highly recommend to fans of cult films and John Waters early low budget stuff. If you don't like cult films and can't stand weird sexual elements and gross humor do not see this film.

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Evil Bong 666 (2017)

1/10

Another addition to the long list of deplorable Full Moon films

14 May 2017

Warning: Spoilers

Full Moon Features has put out some solid stuff over the years honestly. The Puppet Master films are classics, Intruder is good, Demonic Toys is fun yet bad so are the first few Evil Bong and Gingerdead Films and to an extent Charles has made some really great low budget horror over the years. After watching his effort from 2014 Trophy Heads I thought it was a step in the right direction and I really hoped that it would mark the return to form for Full Moon. This hope was shattered once I watched Evil Bong 420, which while it was horrible it had its moments (although the Gingerdead Man is more common than the titular villain). I expected High 5 to have its moments just like 420 did. Sadly there was nothing redeeming about High 5. Then I catch wind that not only is Evil Bong 6, oh excuse me I mean 666, in the works but that Charles Band is planning on making 20 Evil Bong Films. This has officially made me lose all remaining hope I had for Charles and for Full Moon (Note there wasn't much hope remaining anyway). So because I hate myself I sit down and watch Evil Bong 666 (clever title guys, really). Upon sitting down and watching it what do I find? A movie that is worse than High 5 but for one simple reason. While High 5 was in all honesty one of the worst movies I've ever seen, it made me feel something it gave me a lot to talk about in terms of how terrible it was. 666 on the other hand isn't so bad its infuriating, its so bad its boring. I honestly have nothing to really say about the movie other than the fact that it was boring. Essentially, just like the last two entries in the series, its just people hanging out in a smoke shop and then somehow Gingerdead man and Ebee show up and don't kill anyone they just kinda argue and smoke some weed. Then people come into the smoke shop and either die, just look around, get naked or show up as references to previous Full Moon Features/to sell merchandise. But because they did that for the last two movies, Similar to how they had the 20 minute apiece flashbacks for every previous entry in the series in Evil Bong King Bong, The Wraith of Bong and Evil Bong Vs Gingerdead Man. Good old Charles decides to do a cross over with another bad Full Moon series, Killjoy and as if that wasn't enough to pad the film out for at least and hour, they go ahead and just make up a new villain on the spot and introduce him two-thirds of the way into the movie at a point when the conflict should be drawing to a close. As if it being practically the same film as the last 2 in the series wasn't bad enough we have nearly the same cast and they are all still terrible at their jobs. Just like the CGI in the previous two films the CGI here is really atrocious and used in nearly every scene. The green screen backgrounds for Bong World, Rabbit's Head and Sexy Hell are all absolutely abominable and look like a PS1 game. Credits are bad, Music is Bad everything about this movie is bad. In conclusion this film isn't one of the worst I've ever seen like High 5 or Terror Toons 3 was its more one of the worst in the sense that Andy Warhol's Empire is one of the worst. Its a boring film that lacks the small amount of charm and originality that the first Evil Bong had. I often hear people (in the mainstream) say Troma is one of the worst companies for low budget cinema, those people have not witnessed what I have.

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Nurse Jill (2016)

9/10

A Nightmareishly Beautiful Tribute to Silent Horror, Giallo and 70s Exploitation films

25 December 2016

Shot on 16mm film and released late 2016, Nurse Jill is a horror, drama film centering on Jill a nurse who is attempting to get her life together after she divorces her husband. The problem here is there's a sadistic serial rapist on the loose and Jill thinks she is being stalked by someone. After a dramatic turn of events things take a turn for the sleazy, surreal and weird. The film is obviously at least plot and visuals wise supposed to be a tribute to mid to late 70s surreal horror/Giallo films in the vein of stuff like Suspiria with a little bit of John Waters sleaze thrown in for good measure. The film is shot with this interesting voyeuristic style which really adds to the atmosphere, Although I think the way its shot is due to lack of permits and budgeting issues but even so it helps the film. The acting at least body language wise is good since there is no real spoken dialogue in the film. The writing is fairly solid and everything from a technical standpoint: lighting, audio mix, etc is also good. The music in the film is fantastic and I think really sets a tone for some of the scenes although some other scenes could use a bit more subtle, creepy music. What there is of gore effects are fairly well done although the film is far from being a gore fest. The film plays out very much like a silent film and/or Giallo film with this slow start and build up of tension and atmosphere then things escalate and eventually come to and end. Overall I really liked this film its a great tribute to Giallo and 70s horror films, I would say its not a film for everyone though the fact that it is silent other than music might turn some people off but I thought it was a nice touch that gave the film an extra layer of surrealism. I'd give the film a 4.25/5 (on the ten scale its a 8.5/10)

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Honky Holocaust (2014)

9/10

Possibly The Best Movie About Racism Since American History X

4 October 2016

I kid of course when I say that but legitimately it's a trip, man! Distributed my Troma Entertainment (known for releasing such lurid pictures like Blood-Sucking Freaks aka The Incredible Torture Show, Killer Condom, Rabid Grannies, The Toxic Avenger, Class of Nuke Em High and Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead, just to name a few) comes Honky Holocaust a film that was proclaimed by head of Troma Lloyd Kaufman to be the best film he had seen in the past 40 years and I kinda have to agree. In the last (about) 10 years I had not seen an exploitation film this unique, original, thought-provoking and soulful and yet at the same time trashy, stupid, offensive and gross since Kaufman's own Poultrygeist. The plot is as follows: Charles Manson was right! The Beatles did tell him of a great race war with their song Helter Skelter. And by committing the Tate/LaBianca murders Manson and his followers hid in a bunker in the woods waiting for Helter Skelter to end so they may rise up and rule the world. The thing is Manson was wrong about something though, the world they enter is a world ruled by African-Americans. What follows is gross, gory, stupid, cheap, foul mouthed and kinda genius. Really everything in this movie is BAD I mean worse than you could possibly imagine (Unless you watch bad movies on a regular basis and have seen literally thousands, like me, then this might be not that bad but I am writing this segment from the perspective of someone who might not be familiar with the low budget exploitation genre), that level of bad on a serious critical level this is something that would make Ebert walk out of the theater within the first few seconds. But since I love bad horror and exploitation films this did not bother me in the slightest in fact the low budget added to the surreal nature of the film and its serious themes at least in my opinion. Overall it's an interesting premise done on a super low budget. The film's use of the creative premise, some really off the wall dialogue and scenes and the creative use of very cheap effects make it all worthwhile especially if you love weird hippie exploitation or blaxploitation films like An American Hippie in Israel or Fight for Your Life. Or if you love terrible low budget splatter films like Pemutos: Lord of the Living Dead, Violent Sh!t and Black Past. It is possibly the best movie about racism since American History X. 4.5/5

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Evil Bong: High 5 (2016)

1/10

We have now reached the lowest point for Full Moon and Charlie Band

28 April 2016

Warning: Spoilers

Full Moon Features has put out some solid stuff over the years honestly. The Puppet Master films are classics, Intruder is good, Demonic Toys is fun yet bad so are the first few Evil Bong and Gingerdead Films and to an extent Charles has made some really great low budget horror over the years. After watching his effort from 2014 Trophy Heads I thought it was a step in the right direction and I really hoped that it would mark the return to form for Full Moon. This hope was shattered once I watched Evil Bong 420 Which while it was horrible it had its moments although the Gingerdead Man is more common than the titular villain. I expected High 5 to have its moments just like 420 did. Sadly there is nothing redeeming about this film, its not a horror film its a sad attempt at appealing to the lowest common denominator, stoners. With terrible effects and writing from a company that used to pride itself on great effects, puppetry and using its low budget to do its best work. Charles Band (or whoever does the cover art and titles these movies) has even taken it upon himself to make the titles and cover art so bad that he knows hipsters who ironically watch bad movies (like myself) will see it. When you reach the point where even the worst stuff from Troma is good in comparison to your company's best director's recent works you have to stop. All that is left to say is why make Evil Bong 666?

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Riki-Oh: The Wall of Hell (1989 Video)

7/10

Good but the 1991 live action film adaptation is better

4 January 2014

If you have seen the live action film you know that it is a cheesy ultra-violent marital-arts-prison film, that takes itself too seriously and for that reason the live action film is funny as all hell. But this anime OVA that the live action film is based on is less violent and more serious, But that doesn't make it bad. Its still a good short OVA well animated and acted, but and I don't know why I didn't like it as much. It is still worth checking out and I would recommend this to any fans of the live action film and any fans of the manga series this and the live action film is based on. 7/10 stars, check it out fellow film fans!

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