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Jasimia
Reviews
Contadora Is for Lovers (2006)
Contadora touched me... in the bad place
Some films touch you... Others molest you in your sleep. This film is definitely the latter. But no worries! For it is a true gem for fans of bad filmmaking! As I previously wrote in my review of "The Singing Forest", I thoroughly believe that Jorge Ameer is the shining light we have been searching for since the death of Ed Wood. Unparalleled narcissism + the uncanny ability to light a film so that the subjects have not one, not two, but often THREE shadows + and an absolutely tin ear for dialogue = TOTAL WIN (for fans of bad film).
Looking for a good film? RUN FOR THE HILLS! DON'T LOOK BACK, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T LOOK BACK! Looking for a bad filmmaker to fill the gap when Uwe Boll is challenging critics to boxing matches? Jorge Ameer is your man! P.S. I "specially" loved the contrasting blue and orange lighting in nearly every frame.
The Singing Forest (2003)
Awesomely awful!
This film was amazing. Amazingly bad! Fellow fans of terrible film, I call your attention to the works of the Jorge Ameer. I am convinced he is the reincarnation of Ed Wood. It's been a long time since the world has seen such terrible filmmaking. I "specially" love the comments that overly praise Jorge's entire oeuvre, comments that were more likely than not written by Ameer himself or those close to him. The comments add a veneer of extreme narcissism that vault Ameer from the realm of ordinary bad filmmaking to legendary status.
So rejoice! A legend lives among us!
I have already "enjoyed" Contadora Is For Lovers, and look forward to watching everything I can get my hands on by this inadvertent master of bad cinema.
I was going to give him one star, but he deserves all the stars I am capable of giving him. So ten stars it is!
P.S. World War II didn't start until 1939, not 1933. (Keep up the lazy research Jorge!)
From Justin to Kelly (2003)
Aww, the horror
Some comments i've read describe this as "grease on spring break", as if the phrase popped into their brains on its own. Not so, the phrase began before the movie came out by the movie's marketing team. So i'd like to use my own pre-fabricated phrase(from a movie critic) to respond to these easily entertained media denizens quoting the film's party line: "it is grease on spring break, as acted out by the food court staff at sea world". this movie is truly, utterly, unmistakably awful. if you like only to watch good movies, never ever ever ever ever come near this piece of crap. Ever But for those like me who love to watch terrible films and laugh their heads off at the ineptness, this one's a keeper! Absolutely wonderfully terrible fun. There's nothing funnier than watching a bad cast deliver bad jokes and sing bad songs badly. Damn, that's fun. Good movie lovers, back away. Bad movie lovers, enjoy!
The Phantom of the Opera (2004)
Utter sadness
I love the musical. I really really do. That is probably why this movie made me so sad. The story is still wonderful, the sets are great, the costumes are fantastic, yet, it lacked. It lacked a strong cast: Butler, while a wonderful actor, can't sing, Emmy Rossum, while a good singer, lacked the acting ability to carry the movie(but i think she will eventually come into her own, she's young), Minnie Driver didn't even bother to try and sing, Patrick Wilson practically walked through the movie, although they did butcher his part. The music was butchered and robbed of it's complexity, if you don't believe me listen to the movie version of Notes/Prima Donna, and then listen to the stage version. Plus lots of the lyrics were changed to plain dialouge, leading to some very funny moments of rhyming. It lacked any visual flow, the camera movement took the viewer out of what was meant to be intimate moments, like Angel of Music scene with Meg, could Schumacher get the camera ANY farther away from them? It had some extremely awkward staging and editing that made me giggle out loud(RE: Point of No Return). Yes I laughed, and because i laughed I am sad, because you're not supposed to laugh. The last half hour of the movie was quite a lot better though, and almost ALMOST redeemed the utterly silly first part, but mostly because of Webber's heartfelt music and more intimate feel, and basically the dramatic pull of the story. This movie is a bad movie. I wanted so much to love it, really I did. I'm probably being generous with my vote. So see it, or not, definitely not if you don't like the musical, the movie has no added merits.
Fever Pitch (2005)
Can't go wrong with Nick Hornby
Some may ask, Who's Nick Hornby? He's only the brilliant writer who's book this film is based on. Every film adapted from a Hornby book is extremely good, including the brilliant gem About a Boy, High Fidelity, and the original British Fever Pitch. Hornby's stories are funny, sad, and extremely insightful, and translate well onto the screen. For this film i was surprised at the abilities of lead Jimmy Fallon, he really did a good job. Overall this film was quite exceptional, and really deserves a higher rating, if it weren't for Drew. Barrymore. She degrades every scene she's in, dragging down an otherwise delightful film. The script is good. the direction was good. The supporting cast is good! Jimmy Fallon was great! If there had been another actress in Barrymore's role, this film would probably be far more highly rated than it is now, she really is that terrible in the film. Still go though, and try to imagine a better actress in Drew's part, ahh, the possibilities....
The Stepford Wives (2004)
The dullness! Ahh!
Let me say this: This movie is dull. It is very dull, it is so dull and drab and used and stupid that i wanted very badly to walk out. It was so horribly dull i came extremely close to getting up and walking out of the theater, never to return. This for me is extraordinarily rare you see, as i intend to sit through ever single movie i pay for. I've sat through so many terrible movies, but not one compelled me so much to want to leave. Even the time i got a bloody nose during "From Justin to Kelly" didn't make me leave. The biggest problem of this movie wasn't that it was simply bad, it wasn't really. It was just dull and stupid. And in a way, its not complete suckiness made it harder to sit through. Worse movies are more fun to sit through. Darkness, which is a far worse movie, hands down, was much more fun to attend. I can laugh at a super bad movie. This movie was just so dull, it sucked the humor out of my veins, my brain. It was just so DULL! If you want to watch bad movies and laugh, stay away. If you want to watch a good movie and laugh, stay even further away. Just don't see this movie. Ever.
The Hours (2002)
Here's the thing
This movie misses the point. It's long and dull with no sense of entertainment. There are some truly wonderful performances hidden in here, but when you boil this movie down, it's just three hours of very talented people crying. This film doesn't move me, and it is just an average film. Some may call me stupid and unsophisticated, but let me assure you, i generally appreciate more slowly paced films. But here the Hours shares a problem with Mystic River, it is too one-note. A movie shouldn't be about how bleak people can make it, but should have some kind of shifting emotion center to keep us involved. Both this and Mystic River are depression pieces, and the only emotion is depression. I like to think of films as roller coasters, and in the Hours and Mystic River the roller coaster is flat and dull and no one would want to ride it. A movie doesn't have to be an action film to provide a satisfying roller coaster ride, take Sideways, perhaps my favorite movie about depression. Sideways makes us happy, sad, depressed and hopeful. Take Picnic at Hanging Rock, which has a similar pace. Picnic was suspenseful, eerie, sad, and puzzling. Take Schindler's List, it was hopeful, terrifying, depressing, and celebratory. The Hours and Mystic River were just about the depression, and while depression is a valid subject, making a three hour movie just watching depressed people go about is not entertainment.
Finding Nemo (2003)
My Favorite Animated Film
An intelligent, humorous, and visually gorgeous film. Some may criticize it's soft center, but I find it refreshingly warm in all respects. Some kids movies are syrup flavored saccharine drops, that can make a more mature viewer choke. But here in Nemo is a gently, loving and observant film that can speak both to a child and an adult. This film gives me a warm fuzzy feeling whenever I think of it. In my opinion it's better than the Incredibles. The characters are better developed and more likable, and the storyline is more cohesive and accessible to children, while not boring adults. There is also a lack of bitter sarcasm and meanness that sometimes rear their ugly heads even in children's films. What makes this movie so great to me is the fact that i believe it to really be not a children's film, but a film for adults that happens to be wonderfully appropriate for children. It doesn't try to talk down to kids and teach them some silly lesson about sharing and caring etc... but simply exists as loving entertainment.
Darkness (2002)
The Best Kind of Terrible
Okay, for starters, this was a horrible, horrible film. Seriously. No plot. Believe me, I've tried to find it. This film is truly not scary. This film was rather poorly acted, and contained a stock storyline found in every other horror film ever made in the history of mankind. Visually speaking, this film does have some good stuff, but it is not redeemed by the hopelessly stupid actions of it's characters. Every word that falls from their mouths is stale and used. Every action is predicted and ill-advised. As for taking itself seriously, it does, to hilarious effect. This movie is one of those wonderfully rare films that is so fantastically horrible, it's a true comedy. So i guess i hate and love this film. I hate it because it's terrible, but i love it for it's inadvertent comedy. My friends and I have spent hours of joyful giggling fits over the plot holes in this film. Most horror films of late are terrible. But i must give kudos to Darkness for being that rare film, that because it's so outrageously bad, it becomes a comic gem. Lighten up a little, and take in the comic joy that is the thoughtless void of Darkness.