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1/10
So bad
12 January 2012
I am half way through viewing this film for the first time (the first of any of the American Pie series) and I have come here to express how pathetic a project this is; the writing is so dire, the script should never have been given the green-light for production. The whole bachelor party scene is just utterly devoid of inventiveness, rhythm, or pace. It is painful to watch. The editor must have had the absolute worst time cutting this to try and create some sort of comedic tension. My God. These films try so hard to be like Ferris Beuler's Day Off or any of the other amazing John Hughs films of the 80s but they fail so miserably.

So lazily put together. So lazily conceived. The people running the studios are a**holes frankly. Young lawyer/Harvard types who don't have a single creative bone in their body and couldn't tell a paintbrush from a pencil.

This is tragic. A film so desperate to become a cult hit but will never stand a chance. The John Hughes films of the 80s will live on for many years, this cr*p will just vanish.
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All About Anna (2005 Video)
1/10
Such a load of c**p...
10 June 2011
Awful, awful, awful... what a terrible excuse for a film, pathetic idea, poorly executed, terrible cast, the main guy is a Thor like douchebag of epic proportions! It's films like these that strike fear into my own heart when I think about directing a film, that I too may make something as God-awful and dreadful as this...

If you've ever seen "Sorted" by Alex Jovy, you'll have an idea of how vapid and terrible this film is...

If this is what happens with the "democratization" of filmmaking due to digital video cameras, I say bring back totalitarianism hence forth...

Just burn the master tapes, forget it ever happened...
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Unstoppable (2010)
1/10
Total and utter cheesy American sh*t
7 February 2011
The square-jawed-blue-collar-all-American-hero bullsh*t - you know the sort of things; he's a good husband, he works the docks/steel-mill/freight-trains... Yeah, yeah, yeah... course he does.

Love the bit when Morgan Freeman or whoever does the one-finger point/salute at the end - "you da man!" Yeah, yeah, yeah... course he is.

This film is gunt.

I will now add some lines to comply with the stupid 10 line rule even though my review was perfect as it was.

Funny how adding more, is less.
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Hitch (I) (2005)
2/10
Hack master tastic...
5 January 2009
It's old Hollywood c**p. The guy gets the girl, blah, blah, blah... she has the brain level of a worm, she gets all her gestures and mannerisms from watching the Disney Cartoon channel aimed at 6 year olds, she is a retard, etc etc.

You, the viewer, will be tricked into thinking this is how life is and should be... grab your Starbucks coffee, don't step out of line, everything is tinged with a white halo glow, everyone finds their "match" in the end...

Anyone who falls for this garbage is a total sap, the corps are lovin' it! (McDonalds™)

I do respect Will Smith though. And the girl was hot. Albeit, a bit thick.

End.
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Shadowboxer (2005)
1/10
This Sucks.
7 March 2007
I am only half way through this film but already it has risen dramatically towards the top of the 'worst film of all time' pile.

Terrible concept.

Terrible script.

Disgusting lighting.

Bizarre editing choices.

Awful music.

Poorly cast. (not that the actors are bad, just wrong) I'll let you know how it was in the end.

Don't have much else to say, this 10 line rule thing is stupid.

Some films deserve a few words and that is all - this is one of them.
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Shooting Dogs (2005)
6/10
Not bad but flawed...
19 March 2006
Warning: Spoilers
I have two main problems with this film: The first and most important, was that I didn't connect with any of the characters on an emotional level. Although I could allow myself to imagine what it might have been like to be there, I wasn't made to feel that way by the film itself.

Secondly, was the whole 'Blighty' thing. I am British myself and cringe when I see these cliché character traits of ours portrayed on the screen.

Hugh Dancy who played Joe Connor stank. I mean badly, in a Keanu Reeves sort of way. He imparted a real hooray-Henry feel which was not contained by Michael Caton-Jones (whose Scandal is an excellent film). I know Joe's character was supposed to be like this but... it left me feeling a little repulsed.

John Hurt gave a good performance, why wouldn't he. Of note I think was the performance by Dominique Horwitz who played Captain Charles Delon. His role was the most authentic and I felt real empathy towards him.

Back to the 'Blighty' thing. (for those who don't know, Blighty is a term used by the British to mean Britain, home, but in a very empirical way) Yes, from the moment Joe uttered the line, "but Kigali's that way mate", I knew I was in for a rough time. This was quickly followed by the cheeky chappy BBC cameraman's line, "Oi, where's my f**king beer?" Oh Lord. Then Joe on the payphone in Kigali, "listen mum, this is what rush hour in Kigali sounds like..." I expected Jamie Oliver to roll up on a scooter with a basket of fresh fruit and veg, "Oi Oi! What's going'on 'ere then? On the dog and bone to yer old ma? Caaamm over mine later, I'll cook us up a Ruby wiv deez fresh Rwandan veggies... Ta ta!" And off he rolls on his 'Mod' scooter. But that didn't happen.

Yes, then the whole emotional scene between Joe and the BBC girl (she was good though, Nicola Walker) where he talks about his reasons for being in Rwanda, how he is just trying to say 'thanks' for his privileged upbringing. Again, I know this was his character, but you can't help feeling old Hugh would be exactly the same sort of self-congratulatory type in real life! The Christian thing - well, one of the central characters is a priest so there's no getting away from it but... your main characters carry your theme, your message and what was that in this film? Be a good Christian, tame the savages. A bit dubious in this day and age... a bit neo-Christian actually.

What else... oh the music. From the get go, it's, 'you will be sad here - cue music' you will be very sad here - cue music.' Don't burden me with sorrowful music without first allowing me to create a deep connection with the characters - basics of film-making, surely? The music is good, it's just its use that is at fault.

The cinematography was wonderful, by Ivan Strasburg. That guy has worked on a lot of great films over the years and he has done a superb job of photographing this movie. It reminded me in places of Satyajit Ray's photographer, Subrata Mitra. Very good.

So yes, overall, an engaging work but flawed in various ways. If the subject interests you, see Raoul Peck's "Sometimes in April", a very good film. All the character's are Rwanadan and played by a great cast. The directing is far superior to Shooting Dogs and it doesn't have that liberal guilt feeling about it. It's more African. It stars Idris Elba who has an excellent presence.
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Half Light (2006)
2/10
Typically desperate British fare...
16 March 2006
I just attended a test screening of this film and left after half an hour. It was boring, hammy, predictable, clunky and unoriginal.

All the shots are 'picture-postcard' shots of the Scottish coast, reminiscent of an appalling episode of ITV's Cold Feet where they go to Scotland for New Years Eve and "stay in a castle".

There's the hunky fisherman who runs the lighthouse. (and literally walks around holding a fishing rod and fish because... he's a fisherman.) It would not have surprised me to see a young lad carrying his lunch folded up in a red polka-dot handkerchief tied to a stick, whistling and tipping his hat as he went on his merry way. Demi could wave from her log cabin (that no one has lived in for years yet is immaculately tidy, warm and cosy.) Yes, she could wave whilst typing on her "cool" typewriter! What are those? Well, they're like laptops but really s**t and pointless nowadays as any serious writer would tell you. So Demi is an American, who has moved to London, is a writer and doesn't have a laptop? Chances of that? Hmm... er none?

The look of the film is somewhere between a Calvin Klein commercial shot on a beach, an Arena style poster of two young lovers huddled over coffee in a Volkswagen Beatle watching the rain, any cheesy 70s romance movie (I mean in this film, they are even riding on horseback at sunset down a beach within the first 20 minutes!) I could go on but let's change tack.

It is the Sixth Sense and I bet the director and everyone involved is sick to the back teeth of people saying that. Well, they're saying it for a reason, so listen. Yep, Sixth Sense meets Don't Look Now meets a few bits from American Wearwolf in London.

Where were the nasty, violent, Scottish smack-heads drunk on Buckfast? Ooh, everyone's so lovely and friendly in Scotland.. so wee... like bairns.

I'm going now. I won't even mention Demi's 'hard-nosed' friend who works for the "Daily Press" tabloid in London Taaaan. (nice art direction lads, real subtle) "Always looking for the edge that's me, ooh, the scoop, what's the big story? That's what we do in Landan Taaaan... luv a bit of gos" Someone stop me please.

I won't say don't see it. You won't have a choice. There's no way anyone would release this. It was awful.
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