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Reviews
Into the Woods (2014)
Stereotypical Sondheim
Sondheim is a contrarian known for twisting genres and going against the grain and he did so in his Broadway version, which is subversive and slightly perverse. This is the cleaned up, disneyfied version. Even though some cast members, like Depp, seem shoe-horned in (someone more sinister like the late Alan Rickman would have been better and set a tone) I only had problems with 2: first and foremost I DETEST stage-managed precocious kid belters of the type who usually play Annie and Lilla Crawford is no exception. She grates. Her entire "schooled at the Broadway singing style since she was 2 years old" with its nasal overtones really gets on the nerves. Condon should have left her in the wolf's gullet. Speaking of Condon, for a seemingly pleasant, bland guy, he also grates. They needed stronger actors for some of these roles to give them weight. Streep is past being a 'great actress'- in her last 10 films she's played a caricature of herself and her over-the-top hamming it up here when sinister and evil would serve better again ruins the tone. Finally, princesses and female leads should be beautiful. The princes are prettier than Kendricks and whoever Repunzel is. Keira Knightley (or thinking of Pride/Bride and Prejudice, Aishwarya Rai) and Natalie Portman or Holiday Granger types are called for here. Joanna Riding as Cinderella's mother is prettier than any of the lead actresses. I was also glad to see Tracey Ullman (who inadvertently gave the world the Simpsons) is still alive and working, accidently caught her vid for "They Don't Know" recently and remembered how witty ahd funny she used to be. In short, except for Condon I enjoyed the male actors (even the kid, who doesn't seem too stage-mothered, unlike RRH) and either hated (Crawford) or disliked (Streep,I would have liked to have seen Cher, who did a table reading for a proposed version on the '90s take a shot at it) most of the females and thought them miscast. Emily Blunt is her usual serviceable self and loved seeing Joanna Riding working. The songs are merely THERE, they don't have any lasting effect and I can't remember the melody to a single one but you can't do a farce like this unless it's a musical so it is what it is, but the musical interludes are forgettable and unnecessary. Sondheim used to write songs that scanned beautifully and had flowing melodies, these are herky-jerky and remind me of songs where the composer writes the words first in nearly free-verse and then grafts on un-melodic, rambling, bombastic, scattered accompaniment. The song between Blunt and Condon in the woods is a perfect example. No 2 phrases of the song seem to fit together. It's 20 parts of 20 songs stitched together with no natural flow. To refresh my palate I had to watch West Side Story where Sondheim was a brilliant lyricist and a vastly superior and original composer wrote iconic melodies that have been covered hundreds of times by popular singers. Can you imagine anyone covering ANY of these stinkers? The ballad Streep croaks out is an attempt at a standard but it's weak and repetitive and ful of vocal gymnastics but lacks the spark of A L Weber's set pieces or even Sondheims other ballads. It meanders all over the place, like all the music in this piece. What's missing the most is the menace and violence and evil of the play. Repunzel should have died.
Life as a House (2001)
Suspension of Disbelief
This movie relies on a lot of suspension of disbelief in movie scripts vs. real life.
I love anything Kevin Kline does, just him walking and talking and being himself is enough for me to like a movie. Kristin Scott Thomas is ok, she's a mixed bag depending on the movie, she's played a really irritating person in several roles,
However, this movie left me with a lot of problems with false notes it strikes.
The sudden transformation of his kid seems pretty unbelievable too. In 10 years, maybe, he'd grow up and act decently. A teen just isn't going to do it. He should have been reined in long before he was staying out to all hours selling drugs, putting stuff in his face, smoking cigarettes?? in front of his parents? I don't see that.
Next the teen's girlfriend wanting to shower with him and practically throwing herself at him naked. That's the kind of thing teen-age boys WISH would happen, fantasize about happening, dream of happening but never happens with a girl who cares about you, only with a total s**t who's doing everyone in town. Any decent girl knows that he would tell all his friends and she'd be labeled "easy". Although later she comes on to his dad so maybe she is. Anyway, she's played otherwise as a decent young girl so all that nonsense comes off as false. Plus, what is his problem? I was a teenage boy and I would have been all over her and he's freaked out and intimidated. Maybe he's latently gay? That I would believe, his character is a little off in earlier scenes.
Lastly, the jumping on the knocked down walls and letting little kids on the jobsite? I'm a carpenter of 30+ years with a lot of experience, especially with remodels. You know what the major danger on the site is? Nails. Jumping on old construction like that would be idiotic. All that old wood is full of rusty nails. I was cringing while they did it. This is a minor note, but if you aren't going to salvage anything the way to go there would have been to rent a front-end loader for a day, knock it down and lift it into a giant construction dumpster, done in 8 hours. I guess that would have cut out some bonding but, hey, he's in a hurry, right?
I was mystified how her husband was ok with her spending so much time with her ex, someone she has a sexual history with? Then he left her and I thought, that was abrupt but ok, more believable I guess? Couldn't they have talked about it? Maybe there were underlying problems they don't reveal? But we are only concerned with the core cast so good outcome for the script-writer.
One final note, construction like that, especially the framing stage, takes a lot of energy, strength, stamina, focus. I don't think he would have been able to work, but I guess all cases are different. If he were as sick as portrayed, from my personal experience with loved ones with cancer, he wouldn't want to get up and walk around much, let alone work all day doing heavy physical labor. Makes a nice story though. He works strenuous 8 hour days doing heavy work, then collapses, from something to nothing, bam.
Also, you have to have the plans okayed before you begin construction. How did they build it 6 inches too high to begin with? And how did that guy know it was 6 inches too high? More script-writer nonsence.
Blanche (2018)
Hearts in the right place, but very poorly made film, sorry
It may be "treat to watch a movie that causes one to reflect on what one holds dear about their piece of Texas" but these aren't actors (check out their other non-existent credits) and it shows.
Everyone watches actors and thinks "I could deliver lines, especially (like these ppl) if I'm playing myself or a character just like me"
Well, these ppl prove that notion wrong. The acting is horrid, and you can see the tricks the director had to use to deal with (probably) botched and poorly delivered take after take: early in the movie check out a convo between the old man and lady. They constantly cut to "over the shoulder" for every single line of dialog, so they could film it line by line with inserts, and its not only distracting and too many cuts for the scene (whiich would have benefitted from a long, uncut scene with both of them in the frame so you could see the reactions, but they stil deliver terrible readings, and you have to assume that's the best they could do. Every scene is like this; face of the person talking over the shoulder of the person they are talking to, cut to the other person back and forth. It even cuts back and forth mid sentence sometimes. These ppl couldnt deliver a line as well as the little kids in the first Charlie Brown christmas special.
The dialog is hokey , overly verbose (these old guys would be better served to be more taciturn, they deliver long bouts of exposition in corny, fake dialog delivered with less acting talent than a high school play.
The woman who owns the chickens must have been a relative of a backer, she stands out among terribly amateur actors as a most egregious case.
I could go on, about the travelling scenes where we are treated to the front of the truck instead of the Texas landscape (whiich it must be said by anyone who has travelled 95 cross country, is ugly, boring and monotonous) They managed to find the ugliest mudpond lake to have a long scene with even more exposition and pointless story tellling and unfunny anecdotes. I guess that part is pretty realistic, old cowboys and their former paramours probably do get together and go on and on with pointless, stupid stories then trail off into demetia.
You have to REALLY love cowboy hats, old cowboys and their old gfs and boring, pointless stories, including the plot.
"Is Blanche your chicken? Martha told me she gave you a chicken!"
"Blance is a good looking chicken!" (big laughs)
"Clifford, you better not be throwing chickens out of an airplane!"
"Its noot like we're throwing babies out of a plane!"
"YOu guys are impossible! Let's go to Martha's"
and it goes on like this.
L!fe Happens (2011)
Despicable people who refuse to grow up
I was very bothered by the way the child Max was constantly portrayed as being inconvenient and in the way and even to the point he must be denied and lied about because this boy-crazy chick who refuses to grow up can still go out, get drunk, chase and bed men like she did before she screwed up and got knocked up by some dead-beat because she was more concerned about getting laid.
The scene where she yells at her roommate for not being there to baby-sit "forcing" her to hire a 12 year old to baby-sit her toddler enraged me. All these people are despicable, the 3 leads, her boss, the guy and his friends (although the main male lead is the least despicable, he is merely reacting to the psychotic girl LYING about having a baby).
This is a terrible movie that panders to the entitled millenial brat who still lives with her irresponsible roommates, goes out to run after men and get drunk and laid at every opportunity and bitches she can't do it more.
When you have a child that part of your life is over. Deal with it. Your libido is also less important than taking care of your kid. Quit whinging and focusing on your supposed social life problems and focus on raising your kid. And btw the 'love-life' advice by her friend is horrendous as well, all about the stupid trope that keeping guys jealous and on edge by playing games and lying to them is the way to "trap" them. Ugh.
Terrible on every level. Then she "grows up" and finally moves out, but not before quitting her job spontaneously, but thankfully good old Dad is there to finance her moving into a huge, expensive apartment, so she still hasn't grown up or accepted any responsibility, she's just playing a new fantasy.
I threw up in my mouth a little then and had to stop watching. The self-regard and self-entitlement is so thick, her Dad actually had to work so she can live her little fantasy, trading the party girl for an upscale young mom subsidized by her Dad for cripe's sake.
Be nice if they made movies realistic so that young girls might understand the real upsides, downsides and responsibilities of motherhood instead of these idealized judd apatoe fantasies. Getting rich from writing Sex in the City type self-help columns is another gag-worthy fantasy. This movie has is all, even a slutty virgin who dresses like a whore in nearly every scene, so, enjoy!
Richard the Lionheart: Rebellion (2015)
Nice Pair
All the reviews fail to mention that for all its short-comings, there are a couple of redeeming features, in the first 5 minutes anyway, I didn't make it past the 2 man battle for the castle sheltering Queen Elinor of Aquitaine.
But in that 5 minutes the featured character is Queen Elinor. She does have a nice set of tits (they look natural, because they have a lot of natural sag, but good heft and healthy sized nipples that point in the correct directions, unlike a lot of fake ones).
Other than that, the movie is pretty much a waste of time. When she puts on some clothes it's time to close the VLC window and move on to something with better acting, plot and production values (and better nudity), like say The Room or The Canyons.
The Double (2013)
Poor man's David Lynch via Brazil
All style and no substance. Nothing much happens in this movie for at least the first half, then very little happens that isn't a rehash of 100 other movies: a loser gains an alter-ego which is more out-going, aggressive and successful in love, work and life than he is. Again, like all these movies, the moral seems to be act like an asshole and you'll get what you want, just don't take it too far or you'll go mad.
What is irritating about this movie is that coops Brazil's dystopian steampunk office and combines it with David Lynch's strange, hauntingly lit set pieces like the band at the ball or the old people sitting around watching television. Every scene is underlit which just comes off as an artificial affectation ala David Lynch.
He also adopts Lynch's penchant for using kitschy music in the soundtrack. The entire office set seems ripped off from Brazil, but is a lot less imaginative, with lack of substance posing as minimalism.
I find Eisenburg annoying at any time, but he's even more neurotic here as an unlovable loser. Noah Taylor is the only enjoyable actor in the movie, and if it had been made a few years ago he would probably have been the lead with Claire Danes as the girl and been infinitely less grating. Wallace Shawn is a caricature of himself at this point.
I don't care on which great piece of obtuse literature this is based, it's tiresome, predictable and the odd vignettes and non-sequitors come off as forced and unoriginal. If you want to see it done better, watch a Lynch or Terry Gilliam movie. If you want the basic plot done better watch Bad Influence, Fight Club, Wolf with Jack Nicholson, many other Jekyll and Hyde based scenarios.
The West (1996)
Another "Evil White Man" Revisionist History
The series elides over mentions of how the Apache and Sioux displaced the Cheyenne and other tribes, and how the Spaniards and then Mexicans took over the SouthWest, but none of these are disparaged or spoken of as having "stolen" the land from anyone. Only the evil white Americans "stole" the land and displaced rightful owners.
Also, much is made of the extermination of Indians. I used to live in Tuscarawas County, Ohio. There were once Tuscarawas Indians, but they were extinct, because the Iroquois had warred upon them and broken up their villages and driven every last one they didn't kill or enslave into the forests where they died of exposure and hunger. This was repeated throughout the continent and the history of the American Indian. They should surely have understood genocide and extermination of enemies, because that is how they regularly waged war.
Every piece of land in the world, from the Americas, to Europe, to Asia, Africa and Australia was conquered and displaced the previous residents, most many, many times over, throughout history. But the only time conquering territory and displacing and killing the previous inhabitants is evil: when the Americans did it. The Americans, the most selfless, righteous and generous people history has ever known, who gave their blood and treasure to rescue the Cubans, Phillipinos, all of Europe twice, the Far East, Iraq and Afghanistan and Korea and Vietnam and unlike all the superpowers of the past, the USA never took territory nor enslaved people other than in the contiguous N. American continent (Hawaii joined voluntarily).
Ken Burns did an admirable job of not taking sides in The Civil War, notwithstanding Barbara Fields constant scolding ("I grow impatient with people who say Lincoln couldn't have freed the slaves faster because of the times"). The PC left got to him about that, I'm sure, and everything he's done since then, Jazz, Baseball, The War, The West has focused on minorities, white man's injustice, women's rights and over-played these groups actual contribution, notwithstanding 99% of the history, like the Civil War, was driven by the people who actually did the actions that made history. Like it or not, Howard Zinn fans, those were white Americans.
Quit distorting history with liberal guilt. The conquest of North America was the greatest thing that ever happened in the history of the world, and had the most beneficial results for the entire world, blacks, Indians and all other minorities included. They are all better off in the United States, imperfect as it was and is, than anywhere else in the world.