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Bloodsuckers (2005 TV Movie)
6/10
Entertaining!
28 July 2006
First off, the movie I watched was "Vampire Wars: Battle for the Universe", which apparently is an alternate title for "Bloodsuckers" (and a much better one IMO). Second, anyone who chooses to watch this movie and expects anything better than B-movie special effects and acting is a fool. Third, you must turn off your brain to truly enjoy these kinds of movies.

Now that I have that out of the way, I really enjoyed this movie. Spaceships, alien vampires, and half-human/half-vampire psychics are what great B-movies are made of. The gore is relatively high, but even though that got it its 'R' rating, there was no language or nudity. I have to admit, after watching Quintana in all of her minimal leather outfits, the "tantric vampire sex" scene was disappointing. I can't help but feel that the director was playing with us. Regardless, the story holds together, the special effects were above average, and there were even some good actors (specifically the guy who played the captain and the environmentalist girl).

This movie is perfect for the "let's all watch a bad movie" night.
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Closer (I) (2004)
4/10
?
26 March 2005
Warning: Spoilers
I just finished watching Closer and all I can say is what was the purpose of this movie? Perhaps it's because I couldn't relate to the characters. To me, sex does not equal love. It's almost a distraction at times. None of the characters were ever in love with each other, they all had meaningless purely physical relationships. Perhaps that was the point of the movie, to show how far society has sunk into carnal pleasures over actual affection and commitment to a person you care about. IF that's the case, it's been done before countless times. Also, I felt that Natalie Portman, as nice as she is to look at, turned in her usual crap performance. The others in the film were par; all this talk of Oscar consideration is way out of the question. I also felt that the story was a tad predictable after the first switch occurred; it was pretty obvious that no one was going to end up happy no matter what happened. Still, I forced myself to watch the whole thing to confirm my prediction.

If you like petty sex dramas, and aren't mature enough to realize that sex does not equal love, then watch this movie, you might learn something.
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Bite Me! (2004 Video)
Stay Away From This Movie
26 November 2004
I enjoy watching cheesy horror movies. The more far-fetched and badly filmed they are, usually the more entertaining. Bite Me was my first and last "Shock-o-Rama" experience. The story had promise (bio-engineered marijuana, giant bugs, and strippers) but the acting is below porno-level, the effects (especially the bugs) look like they were done in Paintshop, and the story contains so many shower scenes and so much idiot dialog that getting through the entire movie was exhausting. Never watch this movie, and if this is an example of Shock-o-Rama's material, stay away from Shock-o-Rama. If you're looking for a good cheesy horror movie, check out "Demons at the Door" or "Corpses are Forever".
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Demons at the Door (2004 Video)
Hilariously Badly Made Horror/Action Flick
26 November 2004
I work at Blockbuster, so I get free rentals. I saw this and said "what the heck, it's free". I haven't laughed this much in a very long time. Horribly bad computer effects paired up with horrible dialog and horrible acting makes for a very funny movie about a battle between humans and the hordes of Hell. If I had to compare it to something I'd compare it to Evil Dead 2. The gallons of green demon blood, the chainsaw, the possessed hand, are all in this movie. And the ending is so unexpected and ludicrous that it caps off the excellent hilarity of this movie. If you're looking for laughs and can put up with horrible acting and effects, watch this movie. You won't regret it.
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