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The Misty Green Sky (2016)
The Mostly Green Try
As much as I love amateur 3D art, I'm annoyed with this. The creators should get a grasp of film making and the technical aspects of cgi because this movie has writing, directing, cinematography, editing and a bevy of other visual issues. Instead of an organically unfolding story, we get exposition and poorly paced scenes, many of which are drawn out and pointless. There was enough story for maybe a short film, not a full feature.
The visuals actually obstructed the storytelling. Most of the animation was so bad that I was unsure what emotions were being expressed. Plus with free and very capable programs like Blender available, nothing animated and rendered in 2016 should look like this, even if you are using lower end Poser/Daz characters. On a positive note, I did enjoy some of the music, particularly the ending theme.
Avalon (2001)
You Should be Entertained by Boredom
As someone who is a gamer, a computer and sci-fi enthusiast, I found this to be a pretentious long winded bore. Hang on, I'll tell you why! First, the visuals. The blurry, heavily bloomed and contrasted, sepia toned imagery that dominated the film just didn't work for me. While it masked the room temperature cg elements, I found that it just made the film look muddy and I was unable to get pulled into this world.
Then there is the story. The theme of "What's real?" isn't something new and I don't consider it a high end effort when I find myself strained to watch a dull woman in a bad wig stone face her way through pointless, repetitive and drawn out scenes, one after the other. I suppose the abstract, disjointed writing mixed with the director credits can allow for people to interpret depth and sophistication but for me it just didn't feel cohesive and worthwhile but rather like drug enhanced, self important, hipster produced script. I waited to be intrigued, I waited to be invested, I waited for the shots to amount to some kind of message that justified the running time and for just something, anything to actually happen. No dice! Blank and stoic leads may work easily in stylized animation but is terribly difficult in live action and Ash failed hard. Sorry, I don't think the goose laid a golden egg this time around.
I will say though, the orchestral piece in the conclusion was simply awesome.
Zombie Apocalypse: Redemption (2011)
Escape from MadStarMaxZombieWars
The movie starts and the 80's music and the scrolling prologue had me double checking if I clicked correctly. I did...
---------- Plot----------
Weak, it's sci fi that doesn't draw very well from reality. With the weaponry we have today, we're supposed to believe that world powers are going to go full out nuclear to curb zombies. Now 98% of humans are wiped out with a zombie to human ratio of 10,000:1(yeah) and the planet is mostly irradiated wasteland.
Zombies are said to be so "pervasive" but I've seen them cause fairly easily avoidable problems maybe three times in the movie otherwise the characters move around with very little caution and not a zombie in sight. The story is shallow and piece meal since it borrows from different(and better) movies (Mad Max, Escape from L.A, Star Wars, you name it!). The actual movie is about some exiled guy who brings trouble on a group of survivors who rescued him from dying in the desert because he is being hunted for some unknown reason by his insane and roided up ex-leader and his "Raider" thugs. That's it!
---------- Visuals ----------
There was no "irradiated wasteland" budget. The sets were very basic with little to no deterioration of structures and just a general lack of practical post apocalyptic disarray. It even carried over into the costume design. It's been twelve years since the human race has all but gone extinct yet pristine clothes(sexy high heel leather boots included), hair products, cosmetics and well groomed facial hair are common sights and apparently there is a never ending supply of bullets and fuel for their spotless late model SUVs and pick up trucks.
---------- Sound----------
Uhhh 80's synth music with punches and kicks using stock "wapshht" sound effects.
---------- Characters/Acting ----------
The main antagonist was painful to watch, throughout the movie he was snarling and growling the cheesiest of lines. Even if most of the actors didn't have extremely limited range there wasn't much to be done with the dialogue anyway.
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This seems to be part of the rash of zombie themed entertainment that got ramped up a few years ago. However, I think in this case, the zombies were an afterthought to cash in on the wave.
The Amityville Haunting (2011)
Self Inflicted Misery
Love a good horror flick, this one isn't one of them. Remember how Amityville has a way of warping family, home and everyday interactions into something twisted, terrifying and all that other good stuff? Well don't expect that here. I was not even remotely spooked once since all the characters were just so annoying and generic that I couldn't be invested in their well being.
Dad - A dismissive, pushy, eye roll inducing, ex military, alpha male, cardboard cutout.
Mom - An obedient, sobbing weakling. She pours orange juice and generally spouts pointless lines.
Daughter1 - Generic girl in her late teens who's irritated by her dad cramping her style.
Son - Tween boy who's who films the "found footage". He's a peeping tom who annoys everybody in the house.
Daughter2 - Cute little girl with an "imaginary" friend.
The "horror" bits were sparse, executed poorly and still managed to be done to death. People suddenly getting yanked off screen and annoying electrical interference seem to be a staple the creators' little bag of tricks. Some parts were even unintentionally funny. Seriously, I was howling at that psychotic meltdown of a "family meeting" and I lost count of how many times I've heard "Turn off that damn camera!". At the end of the day, this hardly counts as horror(thin plot, bad acting, and camera work aside), most of the time there isn't anything even happening. You're not missing anything if don't see this.
Dark Touch (2013)
What was the point of this film again?
This film started out great, it was suspenseful and hinted at some pretty malicious and twisted stuff. But all we get are hints! Did she get abused? What is the source of this power she has, and why does this power shift in behavior conveniently at certain points? The title and cover art suggest something demonic but the movie gave zero indication of such. Are those two scrappy looking kids going along with it willingly or are they being controlled? What was the point of the schoolhouse massacre again? The quality of the plot quickly seeped downhill as this movie turned into an incoherent collage of classic horror films.
If this was supposed to be some kind of commentary on what abuse can do to a child then should the message I take away from what happens to the foster parents be that abused children are beyond reach? I fail to see what motivated the final scenes and left me wondering what was the point of the entire film.
L'enfance du mal (2010)
Wow! Time Went Spent.
Wonderfully spun story of desperation, manipulation, shame and dysfunction and how this radiates outwards. For someone so young, Celine has such a firm grasp on how to force a situation to go her way that it becomes a bit unsettling to watch. In contrast with her clearly unstable boyfriend Romain, Celine's scars are well hidden behind smiles and a veneer of innocence. She has developed a scary ability to exploit and discard other people and we get to see it play out over some really cringe and gasp worthy scenes.
Seeing Nathalie's sweet and mothering nature and the subtle queues of Henri's impending failure as a husband, judge and human being made me get up and walk away a couple times. I kept yelling, "No, Henri, No!". The secrets, the denial, the mind games and tension really pulled at me since they are all very well within the realm of possibility. One gets a glimpse into how monsters are made. I stumbled onto this on Netflix and I'm so happy I did.
Zombie Hunter (2013)
Bottom of the Barrel Zombie Flick
It wasn't a fun "bad" movie. I had Netflix playing on a secondary monitor and I honestly had to stop it, then continue another time(figured I might as well finish it). I could totally forgive the awful juvenile writing, terrible acting, and vfx if this movie didn't try to seem serious.
I really took note of the low end costume design, instead of zombies looking tattered, their clothing was riddled with very clear and precise scissor cuts, fail! The product placement of other horrid movies and the Kanye West(No Church in the Wild) rip off track made me chuckle though.
The Room (2003)
Wiseau the Wise
I'm deducting one star because it didn't make me dinner, other than that, I've enjoyed every single second spent watching this film. It's entertaining for all the wrong reasons(I'm on my 3rd time now).
If you want to make movies, live action or animated or you just enjoy terrible movies then I highly recommend you see this. Epic incompetence plagued every aspect of this film so thoroughly that it molded it into a magical treasure trove of lunacy. From actors struggling to convey basic human emotions, to awkward, frequent and drawn out "love" scenes, to the god awful blue screen jobs and strange and convenient characters (seriously? "Chris R"? Really rolls off the tongue doesn't it?), The Room will shock and awe. Even the editing is top notch {insert random shot of San Fransisco here}. The Room even manages to not make sense from line to line! This has seriously become one of my favorite movies.
If you haven't seen it, you're missing out.
Alien Dawn (2012)
Alien Yawn
This movie follows has a very "War of the Worldsy" theme, except that there are other movies that do it better, much much better. Any movie that depends heavily on visual FX without the budget and no script to speak of will suffer the consequences so I expected to be entertained by the unintentional badness but I was so wrong.
-Bad acting can be interesting to watch. Not this time! The Main characters are boring and their relationships are stitched together rather sloppily.
-Bad FX can be interesting to watch too. Nope, these just stink and they became annoying. The explosions and sparks (and there are a ton of these) have outlines around them and they kept using this horrid texture over the shots to simulate debris. The lighting of CG elements have a tendency of not matching the live footage and they were animated quite poorly. Not to mention some of the worst depth of field I've seen, rub petroleum jelly in your right eye, it would be the same effect.
-Thin plots can be fun. Alien Dawn fails on this front as well, it just stumbled along until it came to it's anticlimactic end.
I get it, technology has a lot of people believing they too can make sci fi movies but come on!
Uninhabited (2010)
Uninhibited and Uninspired
Great setting, the duality of a tiny, tropical and remote island could have really been exploited here. It starts out well, but the plot had a serious flaw...the main characters are well, kind of stupid. Seriously, the only form of help is FIVE HOURS away and you don't immediately leave when you suspect there are unseen people messing with you when you're supposed to be the only ones there? Or to make things worse, as things escalate, you don't keep a close eye on the one device that can summon help and instead go wandering around the island, sometimes separately? Really? At that point, I just wanted to see what was responsible for all the weird happenings and boy was I sorely disappointed!
Silent Hill: Revelation (2012)
Silent Hill Went Downhill
Jump scares, annoying and cheesy jump scares. The signature pervasive creepiness and mystery just isn't there. The relationships seem so forced that points it became pretty uncomfortable, I was so aware that I was watching people who like to pretend and I started wondering if they had any allergies that the caterers had to consider(yes, it's that engaging!). Sean Bean and Radha Mitchell seemed so tired and bored and Kit Harington just seemed kinda crammed in there, the direction was upsetting and poorly paced.
The Fx and make up quality were not consistent at all, the mannequin monster, awful wigs and faces covered with what could very well be white flour paste and black lipstick really irked me as well. I stuck it out only to be rewarded with an ending that leaves A LOT to be desired. If you have to pay to see this, don't.
Halo 4: Forward Unto Dawn (2012)
Not a good Halo movie and not a good movie altogether
A bunch of scrawny kids in a military academy trying to "make the cut", and at the center is a special snowflake who just doesn't realize how oh so very special he is until the action starts almost two thirds of the way into the movie! The explosions and loud sound effects were so horribly distorted on my system (which plays everything else so wonderfully). The plot is thin and drawn out, the movie doesn't offer anything that couldn't be summed up by flashbacks in a more action oriented film. The characters are generic and boring, which is a feat in itself since so much of the movie is a lot of standing around, staring and talking.
As someone who has enjoyed the games, I can't understand the high rated reviews this movie is getting. Yay, look they included a plasma grenade and Master Chief makes a cameo appearance really late in the movie, isn't that awesome?! No, it's still a terrible, teen movie that moves at a pace of about three potatoes a minute.
I'm giving it 4/10 stars because the visuals weren't bad at all and the actors did what they could with what was handed to them.