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Reviews
The Cabin in the Woods (2011)
Trope destroying
They may never be able to make another "X 20somethings trapped in the woods" movie again.
This film is essentially a sardonic slap in the face of the entire horror genre. It holds up trope after trope and says "Remember this one?" serving as both a scathing admonishment of the industry, and a walk down memory lane.
The film is so incredibly genre-savvy, that by the time we get to the actual horror portion of the agenda, it comes across as genuinely unsettling due to the fact that our usual defenses have been disarmed. And throughout the movie attempts to explain, or at least justify, some of the stupidest moments in horror cinematic history.
This might as well be the capstone on the entire horror genre, as there will never be another movie horror scene where the leads do something stupid without you remembering The Cabin in the Woods, and thinking "So THAT'S why these normally sane and rational teens decided to have sex in the open air Jacuzzi while the serial killer's running around.
A MUST see, because no explanation could do it justice.
Enter the Void (2009)
Painfully dull.
First a caveat. I'm not in to "modern" art. To me, the difference between "Art" and "Crap" is that one takes skill and mastery of a medium, the other takes a gimmick. Take a wild stab at which one this movie is.
Here's the entire plot. Kid is a drug dealer. Kid gets shot. Suddenly, ORGY! Kid's sister gives birth to kid.
Over 2 hours and 40 *explicative deleted* minutes. Any time a movie can have two and a half hours removed from it and lose nothing in the translation, IT ISN'T A GOOD MOVIE.
inb4 "Oh the visuals!" screw you. This self-important ass isn't doing anything that Hertzog didn't do 60 years ago, better.
I will give the director/writer this. It's probably a very accurate depiction of what death is like. It's certainly a fairly accurate depiction of what being high is like. The problem comes from this. Death is amazingly dull. I mean dear lord, I was actually watching the clock on this because I wanted it over that badly. Filming someone waiting in line at airport security for 3 hours might be accurate too, but it's not worth watching! Even if you throw neon in there! In fact, that's actually a really excellent analogy. This movie is functionally identical to watching someone in Airport Security at McCarran airport in las Vegas. There are blinky flashy lights, part of you thinks that it may just be cool... and then it GOES ON FOREVER. And then you get to where you're going and an orgy breaks out.
Seriously, I laughed out loud at that point. The problem isn't the symbolism, I get all of that. The problem is the complete lack of purpose to it. Our disembodied cameraman of a hero learns nothing, accomplishes nothing, and changes nothing. And again, while that may be what reincarnation would really be like, it's painfully dull to watch.
I mean maybe watching it high gives off all sorts of deeper meaning, but you can say the same thing for an audio visualizer. Doesn't mean it warrants nearly 3 hours of screen time. The entire time I kept waiting for something to happen. Anything. But nothing does. At all. And then you think, "Oh! Wait! What's this? Actual drama? NO! Just more flashy lights! Oh well."
Any movie that ends with me screaming profanity at the screen is probably doing it wrong. This movie is a pure rip-off of The Seventh Seal, just with all the acting, plot, tension, and interest removed.
Watching paint dry would be more exciting.
+1 star for actually managing to be engaging for the first 30 minutes or so. Director should have quit while he was ahead.
Altitude (2010)
Actually pretty decent
Don't get me wrong. It's far from perfect, but honestly considering the resources, it's actually by no means a "bad" film. Considering that the setting is in the cabin of a small plane, a lot of focus has to be placed on the characterization. Something this film does very well.
There are several reviews out there claiming stereotypical characterization and saying, there is no "good guy". That's kind of the point of the film. The characters are designed to be related to, but not necessarily liked. The stereotypes that are set up are eschewed very early on into the film. Which works. The ending's designed to be a serious WTF moment, which is again reflected by the characters. This film is all about the characterization, which again, considering, is really all the director has to work with.
What this movie is attempting is taking what would nominally amount to a 30 minute twilight zone ep and stretching it into a feature length film. Is it effective at this? Mehh.. Here's the thing. It tries to strike a balance between intellectual suspense and teen slasher flick, that's where it falls short. Looked at as an examination of personalities during a crisis, it's quite effective. Looked at as a teen slasher flick you get "Waaaa the effects sucked! Nobody showed any tits! The jock character wasn't even a jock character!" etc. So in that sense, the film's a failure. However if you go into it not looking for teen schlock, but a bit of insight into how people break down in emergencies, then it's a quite decent bit of suspense with an ending that wraps things up nicely.
Uzumaki (2000)
In a spicy J-Horror genre, this title's as bland as it gets.
OK, let me start off by saying this isn't a horrible movie by any means. It's just not good. I recall one poster saying the acting isn't campy it's just nuanced. No. I've seen nuanced Japanese and Asian acting. I'm sorry, you're wrong. This is camp.
The characters are totally unsympathetic, the deaths are totally random and utterly meaningless. The writing is bad. I'm fine with suspending disbelief, I'm fine with not having everything handed to me in terms of plot. But this movie has no plot. One reviewer stated "This movie is set in a small town where people are going nuts over vortexes and spirals." That's not a blurb, that's the entire freaking film. Congratulations, I've just saved you nearly an hour and a half. There is nothing more to it. No character development, no plot development, no explanations, no resolution. And not even the "Acceptable within the realm of J-Horror" lack of resolution. Just nothing.
In addition, the musical score is done by someone who obviously wasn't actually watching the movie at the time because it's random enough to cause whiplash. Cognitive dissonance is one thing and done well it can be brilliant (see Dark Water), but here it just seems as if the score was designed to go with another movie all together.
The best example I can give is it's as if the Japanese remade Evil Dead without any of the clever bits or good acting. It just falls flat. It's J-horror without the horror.
Postal (2007)
Actually... pretty darn decent.
I was shocked. Now I'll admit, I've only ever seen one other Boll movie before, which was Dungeon Siege, because I'm a huge Jason Statham fan. Also, I didn't know he'd directed it (until I saw the medieval ninjas).
That being said, I've known enough to avoid his work like a masseuse at a leper colony. However, based on other positive comments, I'd figure I'd go into this one eyes wide open, ready to be horrified. I was not. I laughed. A lot.
Is the humor crude? Oh god yes. But look for a moment at the source material. The game Postal and its sequel are basically about your character snapping after being pushed just a little TOO far and going on a brutal bloody rampage. There's no real plot, it's just a very very guilty pleasure.
Boll has added a plot where there was none, and wonder of wonders, actually succeeded. This is a TRUE adaptation of a video game. Now don't get me wrong here, it's not perfect by any means. There are a lot of scenes that should have been cut and some of the unnecessarily grotesque and violent elements should have been left out (Some, but not all). Done properly that would have made this into a truly excellent film.
The plot is simple, but tight. A good thing. Quite a few of the gags are genuinely funny. All in all, I actually enjoyed it quite a bit. Boll makes fun of everything, including himself, and does so with genuine wit. And by the time Zach Ward (who was brilliant) snaps, you get the feeling that most of the folks have it coming.
I am of the opinion that Boll has finally found his genre. He can do comedy. Intentionally, I mean. If he can just focus on ironing out some (not all) of the gross-outs, he could actually start making pretty decent films. A few more like this combined with the internet torch and pitchfork mob being focused on the "Enter-Name-here Movie" makers and if he's not careful he might actually start turning into what he's always wanted. A good director. What I'd really (god help me) LIKE to see is him actually doing a non-video-game adaption movie.
The Fountain (2006)
Quite possibly the single greatest movie ever made.
First, a caveat. If you are not a man, knock off a point. If you are not a man who has been desperately in love, knock off another. If those above statements do not apply to you, then this film wasn't for you. You may still enjoy it, find it beautiful, and rave about it, but this film was not for you.
This film was for me.
I remember telling my wife that there were no words in the English language to describe how much I loved her, but that I'd spend the rest of my life trying to show her. That is a true statement, but somehow The Fountain manages to describe that kind of love. The only reason I rated this movie a 10 was because that's as high as the scale goes. For me this film so far surpassed every other movie I'd ever seen that it's in an entirely different league.
I've always been a movie buff. I spent years in a video store watching everything on the shelves. I thought I'd seen every good movie ever made, and several that were great. The Fountain, however, touched me; not only like no other movie ever has, but like no other work of art in the history of mankind has. I wept, nearly start to finish. And that has never even come close to happening before.
The dialog and acting are rock solid. This will probably stand as the finest role of Jackman's career. And if the dialog seems a little over the top, then guess what, this film wasn't for you.
I'd rate this 1,000,000/10 if I could. Darren has done something in film that to my knowledge no other work of art ever has. He's shown us, in painstaking detail, the anatomy of Love.
The Grudge (2004)
Not bad at all
First off, some things to keep in mind. One, this is a remake of the Japanese horror film Ju-on. Two, this has nothing to do with The Ring, or Ringu except for the fact that both share similar styles. Third, this was produced by Sam Rami, the guy who did the Spider-man movies and more importantly, the Evil Dead series. Fourth, this is about as true a remake of a Japanese film as you can get. Sam Rami retained the same director and much of the cast from the original.
As for the movie itself, it retains much of the Japanese feel, but still should be accessible to western audiences. There's a bit of a feeling of culture-clash in the beginning of the film, but that settles down quickly as the actors and director hit their stride. It's a fairly subtle film, as good horror films should be, but it does maintain a feeling of inevitability and tension throughout. The plot is very non-linear. It moves back and forth between characters but still manages to maintain consistency. It loses a few points there because there really is no one set protagonist and because of that we empathize with these characters without really getting to know them. There's character development, certainly, but not enough to make the audience really care about the players.
All in all though, it's a very decent horror flick. Don't go in expecting perfection, but it's a damn sight better than the usual horror tripe that Hollywood's pushing these days. Has some wonderfully tense moments and really manages to convey the desperation of being alone and afraid in a crowd. It's not the best of the recent Japanese Horror Invasion, but still definitely worth seeing. 7/10