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Reviews
The Princess (2022)
Not Deep, But Certainly Entertaining
This was a really good time. In a year already stacked with some great girl power movies, this one deserves to be up there with (although probably a tad behind) the others.
It's basically a Disney princess movie with a high level of violence and some hyper-stylized fighting. It really feels to me like they knew what they were making and did it without apology. There are some messages and plot points that are predictable and on-the-nose, but I didn't mind them at all. It also has a pretty wicked sense of humor.
In all, it isn't what I'd call deep, but it certainly was entertaining.
The Black Phone (2021)
Well, that was exceptional
It's not perfect, but to call it Derrickson's best film to date is a gross understatement (in my personal opinion). The two lead kids were excellent and Gwen is easily my favorite character not in a movie called Everything Everywhere All at Once this year. I really think Madeleine McGraw & Mason Thames have very bright futures ahead of them.
The Gray Man (2022)
Certainly Not for Me
I'm not sure what this movie wants to be. It's got action that's not compelling, humor that's not funny in the least and an almost complete lack of charisma from any of the characters. Gosling is borderline robotic and Evans is trying so hard to chew scenery as the baddie and just face-planting it at every turn. I can't really blame his performance as much as the unbelievably awful dialogue he's throwing out every time he opens his mouth. It's bad. Really, really bad.
Ana de Armas was the most interesting thing about the movie. She continues to prove her talent with every role I see her in. She's got the chops for just about anything. If she were the main character I think some of this thing would've worked better for me.
As far as the Russos go, I credit them for making what I still think is the best Marvel film to date in Captain America: The Winter Soldier and for whatever contributions they made toward bringing Everything Everywhere All at Once to life. But after watching this, I've become more convinced that their voice just doesn't mesh with me.
Colin Quinn & Friends: A Parking Lot Comedy Show (2020)
Not the funniest, but worth your time
This was not the funniest show I've ever seen. In fact, some of it was downright bad. But the funny isn't why I loved it, the unfiltered honesty is.
You spend 49 minutes with a group of comics-most of which you probably have no familiarity with-discussing their issues and fears about the COVID-19 pandemic and how it has affected them professionally. They're nervous about material, settings, rustiness from being offstage so long and what the future of standup holds.
I recommend it, but almost more as a documentary than a standup special.
Halloween at Aunt Ethel's (2019)
Makes for a Long 80 Minutes
The opening 5 minutes had me thinking I might have stumbled across a low budget gem. Nope. Almost all downhill from there.
I've seen plenty of micro-budget films and know not to expect quality in most aspects. But this one, outside of some of the music score and maybe 3 total laughs, offers nothing worthwhile. Pacing is weird, dialogue is grade school level and story is all over the place. And the last 10 minutes is a music video, outtakes and credits, which means they could barely scrounge an hour's worth of material for it.
My recommendation is find anything else to do.
Nightmare Cinema (2018)
Funny, Creepy, Gory & Enjoyable
No stories here will change your life or alter the horror genre forever. But it gave me what I wanted: Entertainment value. That's what I watch movies for and this one delivered on a number of fronts.
The inherent cheesiness with some of the presentation is really part of its charm, but there is also some really great direction and there are some respectable performances (especially by the young lead in the final story) throughout. I'm a sucker for anthology horror and I felt very satisfied with this one overall.
The Cabin in the Woods (2011)
Utter garbage with high production value
Virtual waste of 1:45. Pretty much a stoner comedy with some pretty cool horror film homages & about 3-4 minutes of chaotic awesomeness. And the "twist"? So ridiculous that no one will ever figure it out in several lifetimes. And after it's revealed you'll wish they hadn't bothered. Decent SFX. Over the top acting (likely on purpose to satirize the genre.). No redeeming value that made it worth sitting through the whole movie. It's no longer a mystery to me that it took 3 years to get this movie released. They were probably debating on whether or not to make it a straight-to-video. Let me tell you, even THAT would've been a waste of time.
Antichrist (2009)
Low-Grade Porn with Sub-par writing passed off as "art"...
I find it difficult to believe that this film classifies as "horror" for any other reason than it's "horrible" to watch. Clearly I'm just a mouth-breather who doesn't understand "art" when I see it. 15 minutes into this movie I couldn't wait for it to be over. What a waste of a talent like Dafoe! The graphic sexual nature of the film is the only truly shocking thing about it. That and the fact that no one can see that the (minimal amount of) gore was hijacked from "Cutting Moments".
This is another, "If you can't appreciate this movie then you just don't understand it.", type. I am so sick of these supposed open-to-interpretation movies it makes my head spin. I have 2 friends who have also seen this and not one of us came up with the same meaning of the story, ending or pretty much any other happening in the thing.
A lot of reviews on this trash love to refer to it as "beautiful art". These must be the same folks who think dropping a crucifix into a jar of urine and taking a pic of it is also beautiful art.
"Zombieland" was a pretty low-brow movie but at least it offered some pretty funny dialog, one of the best cameos in recent memory and a good amount of splatter to satisfy the horror palate. That's waaaaay more than I can say on behalf of "Antichrist".
Unless you consider "horror" making yourself miserably bored for 1:40+ then avoid this film at any cost.