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ainsleytrout
Reviews
The Wicker Man (1973)
Bee prepared
Hahaha! They use the word "penis," so you will get a good laugh out of that!
It sounds even funnier with an English accent! Unlike the other one, they don't use bees at all:(
This sucks if you are into beekeeping at all. That guy who is really old or maybe dead now, who my grammy just loves when he plays the Equalaser is a policeman "AS YOU CAN SEE!"
He just does not like all the naked people or being burned alive, so he puts on a funny costume and does not get his head cut off.
That's what happens when you don't sing!
Uncle Tomcat's House of Kittens (1967)
A Purr-fect Tail!
Uncle Tomcat is a lonely old sourpuss who can't earn his keep. He sits by the fireplace drinking milk and being sad, until one night, Muffy, Ginger and Toodles show up at his door, and change his whole world! By being cute and fun!
They are such young and playful creatures that he can barely keep up with them!
They frolic ALL the time; constantly licking each other and wrestling! Chasing balls around!
Then the situation gets hairy, and the claws really come out! Catfights galore when Uncle Tomcat realizes that those naughty kittens have soiled their mittens! Now they'll get no pie!!!! :(
But don't worry - they are just so darn cute and friendly that, pretty soon, all the neighbors are lining up to play with the kittens in Uncle Tom's "Cat-House."
The Last House on the Left (1972)
Cutest Poodle Ever!
This was a cute, fun movie about a sweet sixteen party that got really messed up. You shouldn't have to be laying dead on your couch for something like that. And your mom should be able to come up with a better present for you than some lame peace symbol necklace.
Right when it starts, you see the mailman hugging the cutest poodle EVER! Cassie! Mari's special poodle! The mailman says something about how gosh, Mari sure is pretty. Arf, arf, says the poodle!
But Mari is busy trying to score some pot with her lowlife bad-influence friend Phyllis - who (eeew!) pees herself later on!
Mari talks about bras and her boobs for awhile, then they run into some weirdos who make frog sounds at their girlfriend who likes to talk about Freud and the giant pailus.
It's really sad how - at the exact same time Mari gets shot - Cassie the cutest poodle ever starts crying. Poodles just know these things!
Some other stuff happens with Mari's parents and a chainsaw. The mom is a bad cook who burns the birthday cake; she kind of gets distracted with killing some people, so she doesn't have time to get Cassie groomed much.
Friday the 13th Part III (1982)
Dead People and a Rabbit
This is one of those movies where you see teenagers smoking pot in a van and talking about s-e-x, so you know they are going to die. You also see why old people shouldn't sleep in the road and play with dead eyeballs; no kids ever want to listen to what old people have to say anyway. Especially if they have a beard like that. There is this one guy with a goldfish named "Lionel" who doesn't like his food, so the guy eats it instead. Yuck! Also he has the cutest rabbit ever! I am mostly a rabbit person, so I can tell you that the rabbit in this movie is even cuter than the ones in North, Donnie Darko, or even House of 1000 Corpses! And those were all really cute! Later you see him pooping and drinking whiskey (the guy! Not the rabbit!) I hated to see how his love of rabbits did not even save him from getting killed :( Then Jason kills the teenagers, except for this one girl who either kills him or doesn't. In the beginning, he doesn't have a hockey mask, but then he gets one later. There was a dead rabbit in the road, but probably just a stray, not the cute one from before.
The Devil's Rejects (2005)
Valuable lessons!
I was so happy to see the Fireflies again! They are a close family who spends a lot of time together, not like some families I know. You get to see how they are after the last movie. It's kind of sad that Otis forgot to shave and sleeps in a crib, but then they all dress up in armor and move on with they're lives!
You will learn a lot of important things in this movie, like how Captain Spaulding can impress fat girls with his commercial about a monkey in a cute white dress and pearl necklace, and even though they're grown-ups, Baby and Otis still fight in the car about if they should stop for ice cream or not.
Also, you should also not play banjos or you are asking for trouble.
There's this part where some old guy is telling Otis about bunnies in springtime, but no one gets to wear a rabbit costume in this one :(
It was pretty sad to see how PeeWee Herman's girlfriend lost her job at that bike store, so she turned into this gross old stripper instead. The sheriff kind of rips off that line about taking a picture so it'll last longer, but it's nice how he pins photos on people so they don't get lost. You also learn a valuable lesson you maybe forgot about how, if you're wearing a mask that's hard to see out of, you shouldn't dance around in front of traffic. Make sure the eye-holes are big enough, and always look both ways!
Hammerhead (2005)
Fairy-Tale Romance
This is a sad movie about this woman who thought her ex who she loved so much was probably dead, but really his scientist dad had just put a spell on him to turn him into this really cute shark-guy. Kind of like in Beauty and the Beast. It could probably use a ballroom dance scene and maybe some singing candlesticks, but there are some pretty gross plants instead. They make this one girl really itchy, so she lets herself get eaten by the shark-guy instead of scratching through the whole movie. The scientist guy is a good dad who tries to reunite his fishy shark son with the woman he was engaged to, he even arranges for them to have private time for s-e-x, but the woman in this is a really shallow snob and thinks the shark-guy is an ugly, icky monster and wants nothing to do with him. She gave up on love! Just because he was a shark! I thought it was pretty sad how all she had to do was kiss him and he'd turn back to normal and they'd live happily ever after, but it's not that kind of movie.
House of 1000 Corpses (2003)
Family values
This movie is about bad things that can happen if you are rude to strangers who are trying to be nice to you and fix your car for free. You can tell that the four teenagers are trouble. They think they're too old for Halloween, but then they act totally immature! They don't want to wear the nice home-made masks they get, they are getting a free dinner and hospitality, and all they care about is if their car's fixed yet. Then they complain about the really fun pageant that the Fireflies put on just for them! The girls are totally jealous of Baby, maybe because she's so much hotter than them, or because she tried on the dorky guy's glasses (he's all "Hey! Need those to see!" what a loser!) The one guy from 'Singled Out' screams and yells when Baby gives him this haircut, that he doesn't like. Even when Otis dresses up like Denise's dad to make her feel more at home, she acts totally ungrateful. Even though they all have really bad manners and are so rude to Mama and Baby, they still get to borrow the cutest-ever bunny suits and prance through the woods later on! You do get to see some nice moral values in how the Fireflies are pretty close, and they spend lots of quality time together as a family.
Jerry Maguire (1996)
Guys that don't have a heart
Nobody likes Jerry Maguire because he is like that scarecrow in the Wizard of Oz who doesn't have a heart. So he hooks up with Dorothy and her ugly little dog who is always bothering him about how much a human head weighs. They meet a football guy who also doesn't have a heart either and won't ride on a camel. Also,there is a man-nanny who can't let go of a jazz tape. Dorothy's sister looks like that girl who made out with carrot top in that other movie. She hangs around with these hags who talk some more about other guys that don't have a hearts. Later the football guy is exposed as Hootie by some kid, but in the mean-time Jerry Maguire had actually kidnapped the Blowfish, saying how it was so polite and had good manners. (Spoiler) Hootie goes back to football after doing a crumby job as a wedding singer.
Jerry gives ToTo or whatever his name is some football shirts to help him seem cool, but it doesn't work, and ToTo has been whining about going back to the zoo anyway, which is how it finally ends.
House of Wax (2005)
I'll wax my legs tonight
I think that anybody whose dumb enough to risk being a wax dummy just so they can go to a football game or they don't want to leave their car "to get stripped" deserves whatever happens to them.
The guy, Wade who "went to a barbershop and asked for the He-Man haircut" wasn't my type, but there's this really cute scene of him having his eyebrows and facial hair waxed. That's a little too high-maintenance for me.
Also fun, but not my type is the fat guy in the big sunglasses who looks "like Elton John only gayer," but that whole plot goes nowhere!
Blake was hot,I could see myself with him if he wasn't so into his girlfriend, who is a phony Paris Hilton in a bad wig (no Chihuahaua in her handbag,though but that would have been really precious). I don't think girls who look like that go to football games anyways. Nick the car thief is the sexiest! One of the best parts is where a football lands by him, and instead of throwing it back, he chucks his cigarette down and it burns the football. See, that's just the kind of guy he is. He has a sister who looks dumb borrowing his white wife-beater. Her bra straps are showing for, like 1/2 the movie!
Mostly you will just want to wax your legs and not ever go to football games after seeing this.
Whale Rider (2002)
curlyhaired tomboys know best
I especially appreciated how the "girl?" in this movie is so transparently based on our esteemed American, award-winning poodleheaded film heroine Carrot Top - this whale-riding girl is almost a younger foreign carbon copy! (minus the infamous red wig which no one would dare rip off)!
Both of them with the curly hair, and dressing always like tomboys so people will take them seriously!
The lesson you'll learn (here and in Carrot Top's deeper films) -Straight-haired people are never favored by fate! Curly-haired tomboys are special, Like Shia LaBouef! Get a perm if you want to ride whales or now the meaning of life.
From Justin to Kelly (2003)
Poodleheads rock!
I like it whenever you see someone with poodlehair in a movie! Still, Shia LaBouef is the best one ever!
The guy in this, he's such a poodlehead! I's so hot, you forget whatever the movie is supposed to be about. His hair is what's so special about it. Justin's hair is all angelic French poodle corkscrews ; but you can tell he tries too hard to maintain and spotlight that. So much hairspray, his curls do't even move. He should try to be bouncy and natural, like Shia.
I do not get why he falls for this girl with such flat, boring, straight hair, though. A better ending wold be if she gets a perm!
Chairman of the Board (1997)
girl in a bad wig
I didn't really get this movie because I'm not some perv like you, who is into lesbian stuff.
The girl in the red wig tries too hard to be funny (her lips are SO silicone!), but she's really lame and insecure. She tries to come off like a surfer-guy (better than dressing slutty, but still weird and definitely unfashionable); the movie doesn't explain why she's trying to pass herself off as a man. Oh, right, to "get" the poor, dumb girl. I forgot. She makes all these dumb inventions which are not funny, and she's a really lousy actress. Plus, that waif look is so OUT!
This dumb blond girl from Melrose Place plays(surprise) a dumb blond.
She thinks the girl in the wig is a guy! They even make out! Ewww! I guess that part was sort of funny.
North (1994)
too tall to be a hobbit
That one kid Winchell. you just want to give wedgies to forever, I really got sick of him because I don't like geeky kids like that.
This movie was made made when Elijah Woods was too tall to be a hobbit, so he had to play a kid instead, it looks almost real. Later, you sort of get to see his butt on a billboard, but I think it's just a drawing.
There's one guy who play's North's dad, he looks just like George from "Seinfeld" only not funny, but like a big cuddly teddy bear you have to hug!
There's a really cute part where this old guy is too old, so he has to get sent off on an ice thingie because his family is sick of him being so old. In this movie, they admit how that is annoying to everyone.
Also cute is this guy in a pink bunny costume!
Sling Blade (1996)
cute and fun!
This movie was so cute and fun! The way that guy had the funny voice and talked about stupid stuff like being locked in a barn and eating oatmeal. You would hug him if he wasn't so grungy.
And how he always says, "Mmm-Hmm" after everything.
I think he could have dressed better, but if he did, maybe you wouldn't laugh so much the same way. Most of the people could really use a makeover, but if they had one, you wouldn't be able to make fun of them the same exact way.
I forget what a sling blade is supposed to be, but that guy gets his words wrong anyway, so it's probably not that important.
After I saw this I borrowed some overalls and said MmmHmm a lot, but not everybody even understands this kind of humor.
Titanic (1997)
So not real
I mean, there is no way any of that would ever happen!
I look better than that girl, so maybe she was desperate, but you don't just go with some sleazy poor guy! I mean, have standards!
Don't get me wrong, I feel bad for her, being so fat she needs help putting that old-lady girdle on to look skinny for her man and that homeless guy, but seriously, if you are so insecure that you are into some bum who has no money but wants to draw pictures of you naked because he can't even afford a camera, then you have some serious self-esteem problems!
Luckily there's that iceberg thing, so you don't have to watch how bad her life would be with the pervy cheapskate. Cuz that would probably really suck, so I hope they don't do a sequel about that.
Troll 2 (1990)
worst date movie ever
This was really,really bad! I never heard of it,but my BF said it was a romantic thriller/ romantic comedy (he said it's got something for everyone) he shows to all his girls. He was really into us watching it together,so I tried to like it. But it's stupid! Everybody has bad hair, and dresses like it's the 80s, and the music is cheesy, plus the trolls look like midgets in potato sacks. And they can't blink because they're eyes are fake.I thought Elliott was hot, but weird. I can see where Holly's freaked about him spending so much time with his friends. Were they sleeping together naked? And she didn't know?!? I wanted to see where that romance plot line was going, but the movie doesn't even stay focused on it, there are these lame trolls getting in the way.If I'd written this, Holly would maybe get a makeover and some dance lessons,to keep Elliott from switching teams. There was too much about her dweeb brother and those troll-things so after awhile, you give up on this being a god date-movie.And if you watch this with a girl, don't try putting you're arm around her while that corn scene is on, it probably won't work.
Constantine (2005)
whoa?
I seriously hated this. It was one of those big-budget, boring, lack-of-good-writing-or-character-Hollywood crap experiences. I had a big Pepsi but there's not enough caffeine in the world to keep you awake through this. Shia LaBouef was cute in it, but I liked his hair better the other way. He's not in it enough,and sometimes they make him look incompetent. And then, that hat. Really, off-screen, he has some cute hair that this movie did not take advantage of! I fell asleep for awhile; Keanu Reeves was boring anyway. I forget if he says,"Whoa!" in this one. And, how about that "angel," Gabriel? Seriously, if you're some otherworldly creature who knows so much, couldn't you dress better? I don't even want to go to heaven if the angels are so butch. Wasn't Gabriel supposed to be a man-angel anyway? It sys so in the Bible. That's another reason this movie's so annoying.