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Backlight (2010)
I can't HEAR any of the dialogue! Seriously, WHY?
I must have seen a different copy of the movie than other reviewers.
All throughout the entire movie, the traffic noise, car noise, the relentlessly loud soundtrack, crickets, a light breeze, even the scene where the bed sheet and pillow is rustling is exponentially louder than any of the voices. How could someone sit through this?
I had to make a very focused effort to even make out some of the voices of the murmuring actors against all the incredibly loud background noise and orchestral music. Even so, I probably only understood a fraction of it. My wife thought it probably wasn't meant to be heard, but to just show the narrative as it progressed. It really seemed like the microphones were a few feet away from the actors.
Someone really needs to learn how to mix audio. I rarely see soundtracks this incompetent, even low-budget independent movies.
This movie really NEEDED additional dubbing with the voices. Even if lip-syncing wasn't perfect, you would at least hear what was said.
Even so, I will add that it sounded to me like Mid-Side recording utilized with the Mid missing. If the voices are centered, this results in loss of vocal audio and discernible only the background dynamics of a dialogue
Eli (2019)
"The Haunting" meets "The Exorcist" meets "Saturday Night Live"
This "The Haunting" formula (with the same actress, Lili Taylor) is watchable, even engaging and well-acted in parts, until the point where it completely falls apart during the unfathomably ludicrous "The Exorcist" parody (when we prepared to hear the boy start shouting in Linda Blair's voice). I almost thought the channel had changed and I was watching "Saturday Night Live" (which seems to be what some scenes were written for).
The scenes with the parents inexplicably switching their opinions about the situation and swapping their personalities every minute not only takes me out of the movie but makes it seem like the editors fell asleep and pasted two different versions of the script together. Seriously, what were they doing? It's probably the most carelessly filmed content I've ever seen, and I've seen a lot of movies in my life. It makes it seem like that part of the movie was an overlooked series of errors until it continues in the last scene when it seems like an episode of "Goosebumps." Total incoherence rules the last fifteen minutes, when the child walks around and everything burns and falls apart in his path (just as in "Stephanie," though which I thought was a much better movie).
The father is for it and the mother grows wise and is then against it. No wait, the mother is for it and the father grows wise and is then against it. No wait...and so on. What in the world happened there? It completely loses any sense of continuity at that point, almost like randomly changing the channel between two different shows. Yes, I know there was revolving deception between them, but it still did not add up.
Ultimately, I have to wonder if the movie was written and produced by the deranged trailer occupants near the beginning, who teased the boy in an extremely over-the-top scene. Were these people the writers? It sure seems that way by the end of the movie.
With Lili Taylor's presence as the doctor, it also took me out of the movie and put me in another one, with virtually identical scenes (with her annoying daft character) from "The Haunting." I kept yelling "Eleanor" and "Here comes Crain" at the screen, especially with the scenes with the ghostly human form defined by the curtains as in "The Haunting."
I have to wonder if people with the medical condition this movie bizarrely exploits in such a sick way were highly offended by it or saw it as unfathomably ridiculous as we did.
Other movies with identical outcomes (kids walking along while everything burns or is destroyed on thought alone):
Stephanie (2017), Shree Crooks was also in "Captain Fantastic" as is the "Eli" star (Charlie Shotwell), and this is hilarious in itself.
Firestarter (1984)
Carrie (1974)
Paradox (2016)
Like watching the same movie twice in a row
This movie has an interesting plot, but it has been done many times before and a lot better, even with the same ending revelation.
My main problem with this movie, assuming it is not a different version, is the ludicrous voice of the very old Asian professor, which sounds like a Caucasian teenager. My family and I (including our youngest son and daughter) could not stop laughing at how it simply did not work. I am not sure why they did this as they could at least have gotten an older male to dub the voice in.
The other problem is that, halfway through, I ended up wondering which scene would be repeated next, as the second half is just a literal repeat of the first half, but from a different viewpoint, that is, the other version of the main character, and then there are many versions of him which just gets a bit silly at the end. This subtracts greatly from the movie, as you already know what is coming, even the end, which is the same as other movies with this plot.
Still, it is interesting enough to warrant a 6, I think.
Final Examination (2003)
A Comedic Parody with Only a Few Gags
This is a bland comedy (not what I would call a dark comedy) without any substantial jokes or gags as with others like it (such as the "Naked Gun" movies, which are miles above it). I have no idea why it is listed as "horror" (there is no horror whatsoever) or "thriller" (there are no thrills). Apparently, people do not care what a movie actually is before pretending to review it under the wrong genre.
The first gag, to reveal the low level of humor in this charade, is the name of the police chief, "Hugh Janus" (Huge Anus).
Another gag near the end is when it is implied that all of the brothers and sisters of Rachel Kincaid, a Caucasian, have had their revenge, then, at the last moment, a male who is obviously not Caucasian, yet is supposedly another brother of Rachel's that no one had known about, shows up to shoot the professor. A lame attempt at comedy, but slightly funnier than the "Huge Anus" joke.
The only part we actually laughed at was the police woman routine where she and Shane Newman went into the empty apartment after a very strange entrance, which was so amusing, we had to watch it four times.
The storyline involves a few sorority girls and their deaths with nearly everyone being a lunatic. The nature of the "failed" final examination left with each victim is not really that funny either, and falls flat.
After the actual killer is shot (after the police woman is accidentally shot around the same time by the would-be victim as the killer is doing some sort of slapstick routine while the cop is being helped by the would-be victim - what a ridiculous scene), along come more killers out of the woodwork to avenge the girl who committed suicide or had her brake lines cut, or whatever was going on since it is too ambiguous to make any sense. Ridiculous, but ridiculous in all the wrong ways for an attempted parody.
The Shattering (2015)
No Creatures, No Sense, No Continuity
This is not a werewolf movie because there are no werewolves. (Lucy growling towards the final scenes does not count.) There is no continuity. What is implied changes every so often to where nothing makes any sense at all.
For example, Donovan makes the claim that he is supposed to meet someone, and yet he supposedly doesn't know the man's name. It has something to do with curing Lucy's cancer. However, he eventually talks about the magic wolf saliva, and everyone is angry, but it does not really resolve how the hunters and him are connected. However, it then turns out that he had actually been there to bring people to feed to his mother who had apparently become a werewolf. However, it is then revealed that Lucy had known all along what was going on and Donovan didn't, yet had still given Lucy the "cure" but claiming that it was just men fooling around outside all that time. Confused? Most certainly. The plot itself changes a few times to where it appears no one knew what they were writing about in the script (assuming there was one).
So which is it? Donovan seeking his girlfriend's cure? Donovan bringing them there to feed his mother? Why did the hunters indicate that they had no clue that they were there to hunt when they had apparently planned it all out? What in the world is the sense of that? Did Donovan know his girlfriend would become a werewolf? Why did Lucy suddenly know more than Donovan and Donovan suddenly not know anything? Was it some sort of magic "instant werewolf memory"? Was this movie all about amnesia coming and going? Did Lucy suddenly have Donovan's brain in her head, and he hers, because that's the strong impression one gets towards the end. Why did Donovan not know what was going on when his mother had been a werewolf?
Hunters: We are hunters and are hunting werewolves so as to get their saliva because it is worth a fortune. Wait! What were those creatures? Are we hunting something? Why are we here?
Donovan: We are here to meet a man. I don't know his name. I don't know what is going on.
Donovan: But oh wait, I heard something about magic werewolf saliva and that is why we are here. But I didn't know the hunters would be shooting at us and stalking us.
Donovan: But oh wait, we are actually here to feed my mother who is a werewolf. I made a promise to bring people to feed her at least once a year. Because. Werewolves only eat once a year apparently.
Others: Let's all go back to the car and let Lucy stay here to die even though she isn't dying. That makes sense. Wait, we have to get away from the car upon reaching it, the hunter tells us, even though he was trying to get us killed moments before and now wants to save us. (Wait...what?)
Donovan: Here you go Lucy, drink this magic werewolf spit, except it isn't werewolves, just some men fooling around outside.
Lucy: Donovan, you have no idea what is going on do you? I'm a werewolf. Growl. Grrr.
It's almost as if this was put together by six-year-olds, each in a different room and not knowing what the other was writing about and then they just put it together.
Abbey Grace (2016)
Slapstick Horror
The first five minutes of this almost seem as if an actual movie is starting. Unfortunately, such is not the case. The plot involves a vengeful ghost and a man who "can't" leave the house mostly out of fear of germs. Another reviewer mentioned "effects", but I don't see any here. Well, the layered voice of the possessed, maybe, as an audio effect, but irritating beyond words.
Watch closely in hilarity as the actors and even the dog slip and do missteps throughout. It has the feel of watching an elementary school play. There is not the slightest sense of suspense or horror at all, only unexpected giggles.
In fact, the "vicious" dog actually looks as if he was either thrown down the stairs from an unseen stagehand or, as suggested in another scene, the area was so slippery the dog bashed his head straight down into the floor while running and slipping before a brief recovery. They actually left this in.
Then there is the bizarre anticlimactic line regarding "so this is what you were up to while I was possessed". Such deadpan humor. Too bad the rest is not that quirky.
Still, just try to hold a straight face without bursting out in giggles every few minutes. I dare you.
Better yet, have a small drink every time Ben sanitizes his hands and you will be out cold before it is halfway over.
Jetsam (2007)
I have no idea whatsoever of what I just saw
My wife and I watched this movie together. We paid very close attention from the very beginning. Neither of us have the slightest idea of A, who anyone was or B, what was going on in any of the scenes.
There are a lot of scenes of women drinking water. They drink water from glasses followed by another scene of drinking from a sink.
There are a lot of scenes of someone walking towards the camera.
There are a lot of scenes of someone walking away from the camera.
Many of the scenes repeat exactly except for a different actor as one of the characters.
Many of the scenes repeat exactly with the same actor as the same character.
Seriously, are you kidding me? I am thinking that the IMDb rating of 7, as there were only 54 ratings by IMDb users thus far, is mostly from the people involved in this "movie", though there were likely more than 54 people involved in total in making it. (How is that for irony?) Not recommended for anyone who wants to watch a movie where there is a story or where something happens. The reviewer who commented "but really none of it makes the slightest sense whatsoever" is wholly correct.
The Subjects (2015)
A Movie Mainly About Exploding People
I haven't the slightest clue as to why people infer this movie has anything to do with superheroes. It certainly does not, not even in the slightest context, other than perhaps someone saying the word "superhero" and someone mentioning something about Aquaman. (I suppose that saying "zombie" in a movie that has nothing to do with zombies makes it a zombie movie?)
There are no superheroes of any kind, only exploding people, and well, also a person that sort of accidentally teleports their arm and then dies, which also counts as an explosion in a way, or at least an "explosion" of blood.
The actors aren't really acting so much as just saying their lines, and the movie actually looks as if it doesn't have a director, which creates a sort of curious effect throughout. It is more interesting, to an extent, than a lot of other movies at this level of budget and competence. Ironically, the most obnoxious character (who makes the movie almost unwatchable) is also the one with the only memorable lines.
What happens in this movie: One, people standing around arguing about whether or not to take a pill. Two, people standing around discussing what sort of effect the pill might have on them. Three, people exploding and leaving parts of themselves in the air, on the floor, or on the wall.
And there you have it.
Gogglebox Australia (2015)
Oh...no...
My wife and I were not going to bother with this pointless drivel from the awful promos alone ("Oh that poor cow!" is still tumbling around in my head making me want to tear my hair out) - as the incredibly inane idea of watching people watch television is a bit too pointless for words. It turned out to be far more unbearable than we had imagined and we certainly will not put ourselves through it again.
Apparently there are actually people who like to waste precious time out of their own lives by watching other people that they don't even know watch television and make juvenile comments like a class clown in the back row. It takes all kinds I guess, but this is produced in a way where it never even seems to begin by the time it is over and seems to be made for people with an attention span of about five seconds (which, in this day and age, is not that far off). There is no continuity of any kind or rhyme or reason to anything in this tortuous mess.
One male attempts to hum the theme song to a show he is watching.
People imitate the voice of the people they are watching.
One woman gets up and stands around for a few minutes (her head not even framed in the scene with just her torso showing) saying "I have to pee!"
No...I am not making any of this up. Really.
Someone once told me that you can't underestimate the intelligence of the general public and this is most certainly true. (Notice I said "can't underestimate" - in other words, many people would probably watch a show about bread burning or algae growing as long as there was music and odd pointless incongruous comments in the background.) When it comes to pure sensory deprivation, dunce-hood, and depersonalization, this is probably the "best" show for it. Good luck with your time on planet Earth. Something like this just about kills it and is actually depressing when you consider how many people really spend their time in such pursuits.
The Dinner Party (2009)
Orange...and telling dying people to just stop it
Orange. Neon Orange.
This is a movie about people becoming orange. The cover of the DVD featuring an overhead view of the dead people with their heads on the dinner plates on the table and the gun has absolutely nothing to do with this movie as has already been stated in other reviews. It is not a thriller. It is like a very slow-moving early afternoon soap opera where people slowly become orange as they talk and sometimes shout at each other and eat Asian fast food and steal each other's medication from a drawer with at least fifty orange prescription bottles. (Perhaps this is what is turning them orange.) A young man at the bottom of a flight of stairs talks to a girl for a long time...
He slowly becomes orange. His ears become bright orange. Orange spots mysteriously appear randomly on his face as if an invisible painter is painting his face neon orange. The girl he is talking to slowly becomes orange. She has orange highlights in her hair. Random orange spots appear on her upper arms.
People with orange hands traverse the landscape.
It's about big orange walls and a big orange poster, where more orange people sit and talk. The big orange poster features a big orange title. The bathroom has orange features. There are closeups of orange cigarette lighters and lots of orange things everywhere. Somewhere along the line there is an orange needle full of either heroin, sugar water, or poison. One has to watch closely at this point, because I think a man dies, though he is moving on the bed when they say he is deceased so I cannot be sure.
Earlier, as the man is bleeding to death, the woman is yelling at him to stop this. So if you see someone drowning in their own blood, please inform them to just stop it. If they keep bleeding, just keep yelling until they hear you.
It is a day of orange.