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Reviews
Infinity Chamber (2016)
Great Mind Twist
What really blew my mind was when I realized that it is indeed Frank who is on life support. I know some people disagree with this theory because the movie doesn't spell it out, but to me, it makes the most sense all things considered.
It basically explains why he can never truly escape and why everything is happening within in his mind. A lot of other reviewers think that there is a facility, computers, bots, gas, other people, the chamber itself, but if you really look at, those are all in Frank's mind.
If he really escaped and the end is really like it appears, I'd give the movie a 5 at most, because it's just a dystopian sci-fi with a little originality. However, because he's the one on life support, that easily bumps it up to a 7.5 for me. I know all this is personal, but I think it's a genius story as told by a coma patient's mind. Also, I like that they don't spell it out for the viewer.
The Continental (2023)
Ugh, this just sucks.
This feels like a cheap, classless, dirty version of the John Wick universe without ANY of the good stuff.
Let me just start with the terrible clichéd and CONSTANT music montages. It's seriously like every 10 minutes (or at least that's how it feels). Got nothing compelling...? Quick, fill it with an uncreative music montage to try and appear clever and hip. It's so bad and so obvious. It's like a Tarantino wannabe directed this schlock, but was too talentless to make it effective.
Also, they had a great chance to fill in some of the lore of the John Wick universe, but it's so boring and flat that it feels completely unrelated. You have to capture the "feel" and "vibe" if you're going to try and connect it to something as epic as John Wick. It feels like the writers/directors didn't even watch any of the movies.
Nice seeing Mel Gibson, who did well overall, and the main guy who played Winston acted well (although he's so disconnected as to what a young Winston would be like - I get it, Ian McShane is a tough one to mimic, but at least write his dialogue better).
Overall the rest of the acting is flat, the stupid overuse of music for every little filler is just terrible, the story isn't compelling in the slightest, and the disjointed feel just ruins it. Hard pass.
Cube 2: Hypercube (2002)
Just terrible.
Seriously, the CGI is so bad. None of the action/deaths were convincing at all - i.e. Zero horror element or dread. At least the first cube movie had some decent effects and some feeling of impending doom. And the lore of the first movie is much better. This whole tesseract thing was so ridiculous that it wasn't even interesting. The plot just sucked.
This one was like a bad scifi miniseries. Even the explanations were so disjointed that I stopped caring. I honestly hoped everyone would just die so I could stop watching it. Maybe they were just trying to kill the audience...who knows?
The Vast of Night (2019)
Once again, another movie that could have been great, yet turned out meh.
Overrated schlock.
After suffering through the 1st act with the main guy talking like he had just come from the dentist after getting his wisdom teeth pulled, yet with the attitude and pizzazz of someone we all would not only ignore in real life, but quite honestly punch in the face repeatedly. Then after he recovered we'd go to his hospital bed and punch him again. Seriously, talk about overdoing a character's "personality." Other than that, the acting was fine and didn't hurt the movie.
Then, thankfully the movie finally started to get interesting (especially when they talked to the old lady --- this could have been great if they actually pursued it in any real way). But of course, heaven forbid anything else interesting really happens.
The big reveal? Ships. You get to see a ship or two in the dark with some little lights on them. Yay, ships. No creatures, no depth of story, no real (or at least convincing) reason as to why they were here. No old lady seeing her long lost son. No translation or exploration of the alien language she captured. Nothing.
So many missed opportunities to make it satisfying (Just like that dumpster fire of a movie Contact. Don't get me started). But of course in true hollywood fashion lately, someone will say there's some overtly pretentious "deeper" meaning to it all. Which is basically their excuse for making a boring and unsatisfying movie. Run out of ideas? = Deeper meaning. Run out of budget? = Deeper meaning.
I'll be sure to add that to everything I create too. Especially if no one likes it. "Oh you're just missing the super pretentious deeper meaning that only a few people get." Yeah ok, buddy, your movie sucked just admit it.
Antrum: The Deadliest Film Ever Made (2018)
Another crap movie for the far too easily pleased.
Another crap movie for the far too easily pleased. C'mon people, raise your standards. This sucked. Complete borefest. It's like a terrible high school art project.
As a concept, this could have been good, but the execution was just awful.
Coherence (2013)
Borefest.
This movie tries to be anything but pretentious, but it fails. Boring...nothing really ends up happening - oh wait someone got a nosebleed. Spend your time elsewhere.
There's a million different realities and this movie sucks in all of them.
Hell House LLC (2015)
Boring Snoozefest. Don't Waste Your Time.
Attack of the low threshold horror fans, again. Seriously what's with all the positive reviews? Anyone who thinks this movie is a horror movie just hasn't seen a good one before. Must be a bunch of teens who are easily creeped out by bad effects, jumpy distorted cameras, and obvious low budget "tricks" that just aren't effective enough - or who think the crapfest "It Follows" was actually a good movie (man, what a dumpster fire of boredom!).
This movie wasn't scary or even creepy. Every scene was amateurish with easy tricks to try and fool the audience. Always convenient that every time there's a kill, the camera gets distorted or goes black. Nice. Be careful not to actually spend $5 whole bucks on some makeup or anything.
Good grief, modern horror needs a serious reboot! Stop making terrible movies already. Actually work on real scares with depth and solid practical effects. Thankfully this movie didn't have any CGI, but it also didn't really have any practical effects either because all of the kills happen off-screen (convenient). It felt like being in a cheap haunted house at the fair. You know, cheap fake blood and lame scare tricks. "Oh no, the whole cast has reappeared in black hoods." Not scary, dude, seriously.
This movie tries to have some Blair Witch elements (that movie sucked too - way overrated back in the day too - gotta watch out for those crazy witches who put up the minor inconvenience of rattling your tent - oh my, so scary), but ultimately just a bunch of guys with crap cameras yelling "oh crap, oh man, who's messing with us!?" constantly. "Oh no, the mannequin actually turned his head!!!!"
I'll never sleep again - due to all the mannequin movements that "happened on their own." (whispered voice of terror)
The limp-wristed 'twist' or maybe it's just a slight right-handed veering turn via GPS at the end with the hotel room was OK, I guess, but still, just not effective enough to redeem a crap movie. And I'm not against the whole found footage thing, either. A lot of movies have done quite well with it. Not this one though.
I'm beginning to think a lot of these reviews are planted. There's no way anyone would actually think this is scary or even entertaining.
I just think, like modern pop music, the horror genre has the formula wrong - churning out constant crap.
Go back to the classics and study the pacing, the instilled dread, the masterful practical effects, disturbing and memorable kills, etc. and actually scare the audience once in a while (i.e. cause them to have to pause and digest what they just saw). There's literally nothing memorable about this (and many other horror movies lately for that matter).
Ready or Not (2019)
Meh, it was fun. Had potential, but ultimately failed.
Fun movie (certainly not a waste of time), but it could have been way better. Dialogue sucked. Too much overuse of profanity to try and sound modern/hip/cool. How about actually writing with some intelligence and vocabulary (I know, I know, it's really hard to look up words in an online thesaurus).
This movie had a great mood/feeling throughout, but it lacked in some areas that would really make it better:
1. The whole, everybody gets CGI zapped at the end was entirely too convenient (and not scary by the way - how about some disturbing practical effects? Which 99% of modern horror lacks - which is why they suck by the way).
2. It would have been much more fun if the bride went on a vengeance rampage (à la You're Next). Instead, she basically, avoided everybody until dawn - meh.
3. Also, the lore was a very interesting start, but they didn't dive in nearly enough, and it could have been so much cooler had they gone into the history & "why" of it more. Again the ending was too convenient and "wrap-up for time's sake." It would have been much better if they actually had the spirit show up (i.e. more than a stupid shadow in a chair) and actually wreak some havoc.
4. I get that a lot of the movie was meant to be funny (and it honestly was in some parts), but unfortunately, it would have been better to just use it as comic relief, rather than stretching too thin on both parts (i.e. horror and comedy) and creating a basically watered down horror movie with no real tension.
Oculus (2013)
Just Awful
The only horror this movie provides is making you sit through it, hoping it will get better. What a suck fest. Completely boring and not scary in the slightest. There's literally nothing noteworthy about it. Terrible disjointed plot, boring and stupid lore, and pitiful execution. Avoid like the plague (come to think of it, having the plague is more interesting than watching this movie).
It Follows (2014)
Ugh this movie sucked.
I honestly don't understand how someone could find this scary or even remotely entertaining. Since I've seen this I have to check under the bed each night for boredom.
It's like the scene from Austin Powers where the security guard gets run-over by the steamroller. He has like 5 minutes to get away but just sits there. "oh no! Here comes the incredibly slow moving and not scary creature from crap follows...ru...I mean wal....I mean go to the grocery store, post office, work, and catch up on your Netflix binge, and then casually walk away from the monster." Oh it's so scary, not.
People must seriously have a low threshold for horror. This movie was just awful. I even watched it again just to see if I had gas or something. Nope. It was this diarrhea of a movie.
Us (2019)
Stick to comedy, bro.
This movie was way overrated. Nothing compelling in the slightest. Peele is trying too hard to be Ari Aster without any of the dread, plot, and depth. Horror movie? Nope. Anything disturbing? Nope (except the lame plot). Overrated and over-hyped? Yup.
The only good parts were the occasional moments of comic relief. I kept waiting for it to get good based on all the hype (I even thought, the ending will make up for the lameness). Nope.
Maybe there's some really deep (nope) meaning that is under the surface, but it was so poorly executed that no one cares (unless you have a ton of time on your hands and are really pretentious).
I will say the actors did a good job. But that's as far as it goes.
And scissors? Really? Just another example of a "horror" movie that can be solved with a 12 gauge and a glass of bourbon. So you're telling me no one had a gun in America? Baseball bats, golf clubs, and fireplace tools for defense. Yeah, come to think of it, this is a comedy. Ugh.
Get Out was slightly better.