Reviews

Seriously, the first time I saw the end scene when the battle fades to grey and to the poppies was the only time I have cried watching TV. Because of the show (and Wilfred Owen's) I now have a tattoo on my upper arm with two rows of barbed wire and poppies and the text "Dulce et Decorum est Pro Patria Mori".

The greatest 30 mins of TV I have ever seen. Nothing comes close. Seriously. This is a programme that takes on the horror of war - it doesn't give in to punchlines and caricatures and doesn't focus on bloody horror. This is the one episode that should be shown to anyone who thinks that British comedy is shallow and pointless.

Now, I flicked onto this just out of curiosity and had to keep watching - in the same way that you watch a car crash...

I appreciate the fact it's a spoof, but that should not stop me from criticising the god-awful directing, acting and dialogue. Seriously, this rated as one of the poorest movies I have seen - it looked more like an episode of Tales from the Cryptkeeper, and a poor one at that...

Okay - a few criticisms (1) when the doctor had his heart attack in front of the monster (we never see the monster attack him, so we assume its a heart attack), the army then launch shells, rockets, bullets at the monster - which was feet from the doctor - yet the doctor is not touched by any missile and is still alive (2) the army attack from about 100 yards away, and we see a flame-thrower being used - geez, those things have a range of no more than 30 metres! (3) when the monster tries to take the professor, the soldiers run into the classroom and fire into the ceiling; the monster drops the kid, and the soldiers don't try to shoot the monster??? come on! (4) the monster looks like it something out of Power Rangers! (5) there is one scene where the five "good guys" (the priest, the girl, the doctor, the reporter and the kid) all look shocked and we get reactions (along the lines of hand to mouth) one after the other - so natural! (6) the general just runs away, time after time (7) the general refuses to try electricity and wouldn't listen (8) the acting is awful (9) did I mention the rubber suit monster???? (10) that god-awful music, non-stop!

Now - I have to draw the line at "camp" - look, this is a spin off from Doctor Who, and believe me, you can not get anything as camp as the Sylvester McCoy years....

Anyway, Torchwood is extremely good fun. We are bound to get people complaining that they let their seven year old to stay up late to watch it, and... shock horror... it has SEX and VIOLENCE! Erm yes - thats why its on after the watershed! Geez! Well, okay its no perfect, by far, and comparisons to X-Files, Men in Black etc are missing the point - as is the reviewer who commented that it was unbelievable that Cardiff would be on the edge of a rift in time and space. Okay, so its more believable for London or New York to be? Thats right, folks, Rifts check out the local house prices and amenities before popping up! Oh hang on - placing it all in Cardiff is... wow... unusual and unexpected... ohhhh does that make it original? Well, yes it does. Thats one thing people need to understand - there are accents other than "corr blimey mary poppins" and Daphne from Frasier, and there are towns and citied outside of London. Oh how I long for the episode of Dr Who based in plymouth, and wish David Prowse had voiced Darth Vader (Look, I am your favver, me lover).

Oh wow - what a tangent! Okay, the first episode was spasmodic and rather predictable (well except the serial killer being a member of staff), but the episodes have gotten steadily better and better. The latest, the Cyberwoman, with the run on from a Dr Who episode, was excellent, but with a couple of "yes, hang on a second....." points to discuss.

Anyway - Captain Jack - indestructible a la Captain Scarlet.... has the charisma to pull it off, and his squad are all well acted... yes the direction does (now and again) look like an MTV video, with all the fast moving in your face shots, but it is meant to be an in your face series.

So 9 / 10 - not a patch on the David Tennant Dr Who episodes (well except that awful Christmas special and the weird girl-drawing-people episode) but good fun!

Now, I watched this as part of a "I am bored and will have a mini-Dracula-marathon" and watched "Dracula Has Risen from the Grave", "Taste the Blood of Dracula" and "The Satanic Rites of Dracula", so maybe I was just in a receptive state of mind when I came to the TSROD.

I must admit that when it started and I realised that the tale of the Count had been moved to the 1970s English countryside, I started to turn white. How many great movie series are ruined by moving them into a more modern setting (yes, I am thinking of certain Sherlock Holmes movies where he suddenly lives in 1930s/1940s London and fights the Nazi evil - he's a Victorian, people!), so the thought of seeing Dracula suddenly grooving down the Kings Road struck me with greater horror than any Hammer Horror ever has! Thankfully though, the fact that it is the 1970s is only obvious because of the hair, clothes and computers-the-size-of-rooms. Apart from that, the story could have been placed into any decade.

To start with, the cast is (by-and-large) very impressive. Okay, lets ignore Lee and Cushing (who need no introduction as Hammer stalwarts) and look at some of the impressive players - Freddie Jones looks guilt-ridden and about to cry at any moment; Michael Coles and William Franklyn give over very good performances as the forces of good, and to be honest, whilst I can not accept Joanna Lumley as a serious actress any more (Abfab darling), even she is decent.

The story is not particularly important, but considering the radicals we can see across the world, it is plausible (oh not the Vampire Lord part, but the killer plague). The film is surprisingly graphic for Hammer, with a lot of closeups of gunshot deaths, whereas Hammer so often use suspense and gruesomeness just out of sight... you can see why it received an 18.

There are some nice moments (Dracula has his own crown of thorns), but the fact that the vampire just walks into a hawthorn bush, and even lets his nemesis into his office so easily, does spoil the story somewhat.

To sum it up, yes it's the 70s and it looks very dated, but this is a surprisingly well acted and well directed movie. Never an award winner, but a good way to pass 90 minutes!

Watch Hay's face as they walk through the flooded cave and he obviously steps into a hidden hole and says "oh, there's a hole" as he glares at the cameraman and director! Definitely not scripted!

Watch Hay's face as they walk through the flooded cave and he obviously steps into a hidden hole and says "oh, there's a hole" as he glares at the cameraman and director! Definitely not scripted!

Watch Hay's face as they walk through the flooded cave and he obviously steps into a hidden hole and says "oh, there's a hole" as he glares at the cameraman and director! Definitely not scripted!

Watch Hay's face as they walk through the flooded cave and he obviously steps into a hidden hole and says "oh, there's a hole" as he glares at the cameraman and director! Definitely not scripted!

Now I have read some of the reviews posted here about 10.5 Apocalypse and feel that I need to try and restore some point of order. I haven't seen it's prequel, and am not in a huge rush, as it appears to be more of the same. However, I caught most of the mini-series, and to be honest I enjoyed it in a not-having-to-think kind of way. As TV movies/mini-series go, it passed a few hours and was decent eye candy.

To rate the movie as a 1 or a 2 is just subjective and close-minded of the viewer who has probably not watched the whole thing, and certainly can't have seen such dross as "Freddie Got Fingered", "From Kelly To Justin" or "Kung Pow" - they deserve 1 and 2 - this doesn't.

Now to discuss its weak points...when you get such a large cast on a presumably tight budget (we aren't talking LOTR funding here), it is inevitable that the actors are not going to be academy award winners. Dean Cain is not a good actor, neither is Oliver Hudson. Beau Bridges does a decent attempt (although, rather too Dubya for my liking) and only Frank Langella comes out with any credit.... however my second criticism is the Langella character - he is the quintessential stereotype of intellectual hero - leads people to safety from the tower and then leads the race to come up with a solution (let's mix in a little Dustin Hoffman from Outbreak, plus Gene Hackman from Poseidon Adventure, a sprinkle of Sean Connery from Meteor).... in fact the characters are, to a large extent, stereotypes - we have the religious Latino, the scared paramedic, the maverick rescue guys, the beautiful boffin, the jap/Chinese boffin, the rescue boss who takes advice from a by-the-book number two and ignores it... need I go on?.... oh and the reconciliation between father and daughter is a bit erm sickly.

So, yes, the acting is dire, the direction is mediocre...

But now... the positives... For a start, the CGI is actually quite impressive. Not ground breaking (wonderful pun), but it more than adequately does what is required. The action is well paced and generally well shot. The effects inside the collapsing tower is actually pretty exciting, and it is to the film's benefit that it is willing to kill off quite important characters (shock factor). Probably the best part of the film is the surprise ending where the fault does split the country in two. It would have been expected for the boffins to set off the charges by the nuclear plant and stop the fault just in time (as in James Bond)... however the fact that the film shows science failing and the most powerful country in the world unable to defeat what is essentially mother nature at her most destructive is very praiseworthy. Okay, so you might have wanted a happy ending - in which case get lost over to the religious loonies at ChildCare Action Project and find a pathetic piece of claptrap. This is a DISASTER movie, and as long as you don't want a fake oh so happy ending, then this ending is spot on.

As mini-series go, it is poorly acted and has more clichés than you can poke with a cattle-prod, but the CGI, pace and unexpected ending makes it more than worthwhile.

Now, I know for many Basil Rathbone and Nigel Bruce are the definitive Holmes and Watson but in my opinion Jeremy Brett and David Burke are both far superior actors. However their 80s offerings are not as well known outside of the UK, and as such are somewhat sadly overlooked, even if their 1988 offering (part of a TV series) is the most accurate portrayal of the movies.

Now, the 1939 version of HOTB is decent and good fun, and to some extent it makes Dartmoor out as being even more atmospheric than it is. However there are some problems that need to be addressed. Firstly, they miss out the point that Watson spots Holmes on a tor, outlined against the moon... secondly, the way Beryl Stapleton is ignored by the cast after her brother is unmasked as the killer is unbelievable, and thirdly, why does Bruce have to be so damned inept? The movie is very much of its time, and really good fun, but compared to the Brett/Burke movies, they pale into insignificance.