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Soho Theatre Live: Nish Kumar: Ruminations on the Nature of Subjectivity (2017)
Blisteringly unimaginative!
Part way through Ruminations on the Nature of Subjectivity I realised Kumar sounds like James Acaster. He also seems to have stolen some of Acaster's delivery which is excitable, sometimes high pitched, consternation. Highly strung, frantic, sweaty "someone may have slipped them a tab of speed backstage" comedians are the worst. They're the verbal equivalent of a two drink minimum to trick the audience into thinking something interesting is being said. Sadly Kumar has none of Acaster's charm, or clever material, to compensate for this irritating delivery.
He also seems to not be very polished as he often repeated the start of a joke after becoming distracted or, egotistically, laughing at himself which quickly became tedious.
But all of this could be forgiven is Kumar was actually funny. He is not! Now, to be clear, if Kumar were a work colleague he would certainly be one of my favourite ones. He clearly has some ability to tell a story with a dilettante's grasp of comedy, and would welcomingly make the day pass faster, but as a professional comedian he is achingly amateurish and unexceptional.
His pedestrian set lurches from one prosaic story to another. If this is any indicator of what's considered acceptable for a professional I could be a stand up comedian were I the right sex. After all the bar is only this low for one gender.
Supergirl (2015)
This is not feminist propaganda!
I see the MRAs are out in force deriding Supergirl as feminist propaganda. This is FP in the same way the world is a matriarchy because men have to make the first move. Anyone who isn't a teenager in his mother's basement, angry that he's never felt the touch of a woman, would know that just having a woman in the titular role does not make something pro women and Supergirl is definitely not pro women.
Superman retains his autonomy. He makes it clear, that his role is to help the world but he is not answerable to anyone. By contrast Supergirl has barely pulled her tights on before she relinquishes all autonomy to the DEO, an organisation she is not part of. She allows some man (whose name I don't care to remember) to berate her constantly for the choices she has made about her coming out, something that is entirely her prerogative and hers alone. So desperate is she to relinquish authority she begins referring to this man as "boss" so that she can feel comfortable knowing there is a man in charge and she's been relieved of all the pesky decision making.
Calista Flockhart's character is an 80s power executive cliché who wields authority not by gaining the respect of her subordinates but by threatening them constantly with unemployment. Her management style would garner zero loyalty and trots out the tired stereotype that the only way women can lead is by being super bitches. Writing for Calista is so poor it frequently relies on the old "oh no, Kara's done it, she gone get fired now" only for Calista to say "I like this one, she's got moxy".
In a later episode, Supergirl, not content with allowing DEO to call the shots, acquiesces to an Executive Order. Her alter ego is an American, but Supergirl is not, so why exactly is she required to follow an EO? She's not, but because she embodies a cornucopia of poor choices she allows herself to get "chickened" into agreeing to do something. Later, in this same episode, she is being repeatedly blamed for something in classic scapegoating. Ineffectual Supergirl splutters red faced, but is incapable of standing up for herself. Never fear though, boss man is here to save the day and gives her adversary a verbal dressing down. Something, weak, pathetic little Kara can't really manage.. that is until she blows up at her boss because she can say boo to a woman.
If there is anymore evidence of how Supergirl is definitely not pro women, Superman battles five Kryptonians and doesn't lose his powers. Supergirl has a five minute showdown with budget Vision and she loses her powers for days. At least in Smallville Kara was shown to be stronger than Clarke.
I begrudgingly watched seven episodes before I decided that watching this show was above and beyond the call of duty. I appreciate a lot of the problems with Supergirl are due to the source material (DEO is canon) and female superheroes never work when they're just the female counterpart of a male superhero. This is gender swapped superman.
Kara is working in a newspaper office?! (If she's answerable to DEO why isn't she on their payroll?).
She has a crush on a man who is crushing on her alter-ego (or would be if this stupid adaptation hadn't made supergirl reveal who she is to everyone of note in the pilot).
She disguises her identity by acting clumsy and dorkish with glasses.
She speaks to her Kryptonian mother when she needs guidance.
The Season Arc villain is shaping up to be a Lex Luthor Light (rich guy whose power is his colossal brain).
As huge nerd who is loving Flash and Arrow. I was really hoping DC would continue their trend of killing it in TV. But I guess the inability to write for a female superhero is still a problem in writers' rooms. If you can't write a super heroine with depth go back to feeding the MRAs with an actress with pneumatic boobs who has a talent for placing both her T and A in the shot at all times. At least then someone will be happy.
Expelled (2014)
Cheap Ferris Bueller knock off
Ferris Bueller was wildly successful, so I can imagine how the pitch meeting went for Expelled.
Hey, let's do a Ferris Bueller reboot.
Yaas, amazing. How imaginative are you!! And, to keep the fanboys happy, we'll do a bunch of cameos with the original cast.
Several weeks later...
Matthew Broderick, Mia Sara and Alan Ruck said no. Even Jennifer Grey turned us down. But we can still go ahead right?
Nah, we don't want to waste a reboot, let's wait a few more years for them to get desperate for a paycheck then we'll do the reboot.
OK, but what are we gonna do with this partially written script for Ferris Bueller 2, Electric Boogaloo? Ahhh, call it Expelled and cast a bunch of nobodies. Make sure they can't act and every single one the cast has the kind of face that makes a dedicated pacifist want to punch it.
I'm on it!
Bloodsucking Bastards (2015)
The Office with vampires!
This film is described as "An action-packed horror comedy." I call foul. It is maybe 30% action with the rest being an unfunny Office. 40mins into the film and were still being treated to office politics of passed over promotions, preparing presentations, office romances gone awry and the new douchey manager! 43mins in something actually starts to happen but still not something that could be classed as "action."At minute 51 Joey Kern turns into the funniest character in the film with the best lines, best facial expressions and best comedic timing.
So, basically, get through 50mins of a snail's pace and you're rewarded, somewhat, with 30mins of fun.
Quantico (2015)
Explosive!
No, that's not a pun but it would work as a pun. This series opener was explosive. I was literally sitting on the edge of my seat for the last five minutes. That was partially because I'd drunk two massive cups of tea during the course of the show and nature was calling, but largely it was due to the interesting story telling.
When the show started, I thought this was Shonda Rhimes. Specifically, the replacement for Grey's Anatomy since that's entered a pretty steep downslope in the last few years. It has all the same ingredients, interesting characters at the start of a high octane, high pressure, high flying career each with their own compelling backstory. As the premiere progressed, it continued with its Shonda Rhimes feel suggesting this was going to be a show about the characters set around case of the week. Then you enter the last 15mins and ohhhhhh son!!!! This ain't one for the "X- Factor crowd." This show does not look like you will be able to slip in and slip out and still keep up with the plot. It's looking to be all story arc, all the time, just how I like it. Quantico is definitely going to be in my TV roster for the 2015/2016 season. I am waiting for episode 2. I have given it 8 starts based upon the series premiere. That will go up to a full 10 if they can keep this level of intrigue through the season.
Shoot 'Em Up (2007)
Know what you're watching!
I hate it when people go see a comedy and say it was silly, watch a romance and say it was sappy or watch an action flick and say it had no plot.
I haven't given this film a star rating because I really didn't like it but I am not going to downvote it for not realising what this film was before I started watching it. I saw Clive Owen, Paul Giamatti, and Monica Bellucci (all ack-tores) and expected something, I don't know... more. It quickly became apparent this film is an appeal to the lowest common denominator (guns, Rainier Wolfcastle one liners and beeeeewwwwwbs). If that sort of film is what you want then have at it.
Atlantic Rim (2013)
Couldn't sit through even 5 minutes!
I don't know how badly you must want to have to be an actor to sign up to star in Asylum films. I can only imagine them watching the films they parody wishing they could be real movie stars like them.
For the five mins of this film that I watched, it looked how I imagine a home movie looks when someone films their kids playing with Rock Em Sock Em Robots.
CGI budget must have been entirely used up in one or two scenes as most of the film is made up of people running around a military base and drinking in a bar.
So glad I didn't pay to watch this and caught it on a dud channel in the middle of the night.
Snowpiercer (2013)
An Allegory!
A film like this is an allegory. If you can't understand allegories or if you're the kind of person that needs, literally, every little thing spelt out for you, walk on by. You will get confused by this film and give it one star. However, if you can appreciate social commentary then your mind won't throw ridiculous questions at you like "why divide the train into classes" because your brain will let you appreciate the allegory with society. i.e.... why divide society into classes??? The planet would survive perfectly well without classes. Your brain will let you appreciate, in society, there will always be people who want more than everyone else. There will always be people who are happy to step on others so they can hoard wealth and material possessions. This film is a perfect allegory of that. Yes, there is enough for everyone but there isn't enough for everyone when there are people who want more than their fair share.
Similarly, you will be able to appreciate that when you are treated like a savage, you become a savage so you won't ask dumb questions like "why is everyone on this train so ready to kill." You will see, that when you have nothing to live for, you have no reason to fear death and when you have nothing to live for, life becomes a lot less precious so you don't have massive reservations about killing someone.
Moreover, you will be able to see, there are people in society today who run to join the military in the belief that protecting their way of life makes them the good guys and the poor oppressed people they are killing are savages so deserve to die. You will not need to ask these questions, because you will be able to see the allegory between this film and life.
In addition to being able to appreciate this film is an allegory, you also have to watch the film. Pay attention to every line of dialogue because this is not a Michael Bay film, this director does not have massive arrows and signs and horns heralding the arrival of exposition. You have to be able to pick up on little lines like Wilford loved trains, his dream was to live on one forever. So you can appreciate that Wilford didn't build this train in response to the ice-age, he built this train because it was his dream and that coincided with the ice-age.
You will also, if paying attention, listen to lines like "the engine was designed to last forever, but, sadly, other parts of the train were not." So you won't have to ask questions like "this train was designed to stuff kids down holes." You will have listened to the explanation and appreciate that no one designed this train with the foresight that there's going to be an apocalypse and this train will actually never be able to stop. It was built with "hey let's see if we can do it" ethos rather than a "hey we need to do it, this is humanity's last chance" ethos.
You will also hear throwaway lines like "this train is a "self contained eco-system" so you won't wonder where the meat is coming from for the steaks or where the cockroaches came from. You will know that just as this train had an arboretum and a marine containment system, that there must have been a carriage, somewhere, off camera that had similar setups for insects and livestock.
Finally, in addition to paying attention to exposition and appreciating allegories, you will have to learn a film making concept of "do you want a 15 hour film?" This is a concept where you, the viewer, has to fill in the blanks. You, the viewer, has to be able to see that drugs are the opiate of the masses. You make drugs readily available so that people's minds never clear long enough to realise they're in the shitter. But, prolonged exposure to drugs is pretty much going turn your brain into a fried noodle so you're going to be strange. Even if you don't take drugs, you're on a train that never stops, that's a noodle bender in itself. Given all of this, people are going to be weird so you shouldn't need an exact explanation of what the motivation is behind their weirdness.
So, in conclusion, if you want a film that makes you think in the right ways you will enjoy this. If you want a film that spells everything out for you and you can't suspend disbelief for a second the thing you're looking for is reality TV.