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Hounds of War (2024)
The hair, the hair
There is an irony when viewing a Sky Original production in that it is never original at all. Generally cobbled together from numerous other films, B grade at best, "elevated" by paying for a name or two.
Starting to suspect Grillo has a no hair alteration clause as he sports his exotic bouffant apparatus again here. My own theory is that he is developing a natural, grow your own baseball cap. No matter what transpires in this outing, the hair is never stressed. It survives numerous fights, missions, incarceration, homelessness intact. Even once he has become surely the most wanted man on earth, it doesn't occur to change the hair or little beard.
The thin plot involves politicians being bad and causing all the problems. Not that this doesn't happen of course, but the reduction here is childish. Bad government people throw a group of mercenaries under the bus, but Grillo and his hair survive. He needs to bring down the system and opts to kidnap the president to achieve this.
He knows a lady who can help. She is a superb fighter in her own right seeing off numerous opponents two or 3 times her weight. One tough lady! Tragedy strikes sadly and she gets a small mark on her face and then needs emotional support from Grillo who tells her "it's ok". A hug does the trick and reanimates her mood.
The fighting is childish and reminiscent of Police Squad. Nothing unexpected happens, silly soundtrack pervades- presumably to convey ongoing action and intrigue. Doesn't work.
Actually feel ashamed of myself for watching through until the end. Waste of life. Hopefully leaving this review saves someone from the same pain.
The Sopranos (1999)
Soap opera
Watched a couple of episode when released. Didn't do anything for me but gave it another chance many years later whilst incapacitated so a captive audience and something to watch minus the ads.
Story centres around some mafia folk. We do not expect these people to be nice, and normally a film of such a genre will demonstrate this to full effect. When stretching the premise to a series however, we inevitably end up viewing more of their private lives and it is here that the concept falls apart for me.
So they whack this person or that, old woman- whack, enemy- whack, girlfriend- whack. Members of the public- whack, glass, disable, extortion. Don't dare be gay- they will want to kill you for that too. So far so gangster but then we are asked to watch the minutiae of their private lives, be it a love interest, health issue, money problem, drug addiction etc. Why would I care? Narcissistic man children who are a parasitic cancer on society get very upset should the shoe ever be on their foot. They are outraged at anything and ashamed of nothing. Not a single cardboard character has any redeemable qualities, they are all vile. Even the nice homely wife is happy to live off the proceeds of such depravity with a rare glance in the rear view mirror. I wanted them all to get whacked themselves to restore some balance and justice.
Story lines seem to have been thought up by committees on morning coffee break. Hey- they could get a horse, hey such and such could turn up. They bubble to the surface then vanish without a trace before rolling to the next one. With no apparent long term arc, there is little tension and nobody to care about to invoke any anyway.
Much of the time it felt like a low production value soap opera with very two dimensional avatar characters. It seems some of it was supposed to be funny or darkly comic but really about as funny as meeting Bundy.
The Bricklayer (2023)
More to life
Seems since the advent of streaming we have a conveyor belt of various platforms making by numbers films. They grab a star, throw a mixture of stolen plot parts together, and deliver risible rubbish like this. My toes nearly cringed off my own feet with this one. 'Beefed up suspension..". Once I heard that I knew nothing would improve. If I wasn't stuck in bed literally anything else would be preferable. If you aren't in a similar predicament, please do something else instead. Only saving grace is if you have visitors that have overstayed their welcome, put this on and they will leave in short order. Even the cat lost his sociable nature and left me to it.
Extremely Wicked, Shockingly Evil and Vile (2019)
Accurate title only
The title for the film serves equally as a description of it. A final insult of sorts for the victims and their families and friends. Film skips over most of the history in brief fashion before settling on the arrest and subsequent court case. This approach fails to portray or educate anyone unfamiliar with the total barbarity he visited upon his victims. So now we have nice Ted, the girls think he is great, he holds court in court, his is enigmatic, clever, good looking and articulate. Without any particular focus on what lies beneath this constructed veneer, the due repulsion is incomplete. We get a glimpse towards the end but it barely skims the surface leaving the final edit more homage than horror. A film predicated on this character should haunt the viewer and leave them disturbed. A man who should only be associated with revulsion, is here rendered with crass "humanising". He was biologically human, but that's where any similarity ends. It sad that with time and distance history can be conveyed as it has been here.
Fast X (2023)
One more gear
Anyone familiar with the franchise will know any veneer of reality has long since evaporated leaving a residue of physics defying nonsense. These are very tough people with a car for every occasion. There's an unconvincing baddie, lacking in menace and soon there is a big rolling bomb causing mayhem. Vin and his crew are at the scene and thanks to them, the bomb detonates in the water. Phew! But wait, there's the shockwave still to come. Handily this blows all the chasing cops off the road and for a minute it looks like it will blow Vin off the road too. Survivalists take note if ever in a similar predicament- by pulling a constipated face you can keep your vehicle on the ground! It's determination that counts. There are chases and races- oh when should I press my nos button? And if that doesn't work, double down with an extra gear, then another one, then another. These cars have plenty of gears. Near the end he gets a free necklace after righting a car one handed and finding a bulletproof door. Touching. Only watched as recovering from surgery. Didn't help. Risible rubbish.
Ambulance (2022)
Were the good guys..
Danny is a career criminal, his father was too. His father was happy to shoot the police, but Danny isn't like that! He's done well for himself and has a big place and a hundred cars but needs one last big score.
Will is Danny's brother, he isn't a criminal but his child needs experimental medical treatment. He asks Danny for money for a loan but Danny has put everything into the big score. Luckily the score is due to happen right now so Will tags along as driver. Hey, what a coincidence!
We watch this through the perspective of being sat on a waltzer for 2 hours, the camera wobbles, swirls, and cuts constantly. The heist goes down but there's a hitch and Danny's crew shoot many cops and die themselves.
Danny and Will have a fight with a cop who also gets shot and they escape in an ambulance. They try and ditch the cops for a very long time before arranging two decoy ambulances and for theirs to be painted. Too bad genius Danny didn't think to send the decoys, ditch the hostages, and make good his escape in one of his hundred cars. He has arranged the decoys to be rigged with C4 to blow up more cops, together with a mini gun mounted in a car to kill some more. Soon after Danny is shouting 'we are the good guys!" at Will. I disagree.
There is a faux emotional ending with sad music and memories. I couldn't bring myself to care.
Shame all the budget for action, the stunt men and women, pilots etc had their great work ruined by irredeemable camera work that meant it all counted for nothing. Don't be Danny kids, he isn't the good guy, and if you're like Will, don't get involved with a Danny.
Little Dixie (2023)
Never meet your hero
Plot spoilers- didn't have high hope with this one but was disappointed even more than expected. Not good for blood pressure. There are many films that circle around the premise that a relative has been kidnapped and someone has to get them back. Ordinarily, the rescuer is the hero, or a hero with flaws. Here we have neither. Cops in the way? Shoot them in the head! Security in the way? Shoot them in the head. Ex best friend in the way? Cut his head off! Store attendant who hasn't even noticed you exist- shoot him in the head. Whilst our hero kills innocents all over the place we are presumably supposed to identify with his plight and hope he meets his goals. Well maybe if he hadn't deprived numerous families of their parents I would care but instead I hoped he got his dues, together with the bad cartel. Very confusing, more so for the frequent appearances of Ali G who didn't appear to be credited.
If you have a single moral fibre you are unlikely to enjoy this. Sociopathic nonsense father- but hey!- he cares for his child. Bless. Irredeemably nauseating.
Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice (2016)
Must have been tripping..
Plot spoilers.. Starts with some faux-profound schmaltzy voice-over- "what falls is fallen etc." Ooh thought provoking! You can extrapolate your own verbs like this at a dinner party "what dies is dead, what breaks is broken" and so on. It isn't difficult. May have carried more weight if spoken by Morgan Freeman but sorry everyone, he's gone. His character has been amalgamated with Alfred who is now a scientific genius inbetween fetching muesli for Batman.
Batman isn't as we knew him either. Watching too much Ironman probably. New bulky suit with flashing eyes and east German border guard boots. The bottom half of Afflecks face protrudes from the mask to finish the ensemble.
Not just the suit and Alfred have changed, Batman has gone full psycho. He shoots guns now and brands criminals with a burning bat badge with the intention that they can be easily identified and finished off in prison. He excuses this behaviour with something like "bad things make good people bad" or some such. Speak for yourself Batman!
On with the story, Batters was miffed that Superman damaged buildings and people died during the big set to with Zod. Batman decides to change tactics and advocate genocide. In relation to Superman.. "if there is even a one percent chance he is bad he absolutely must be destroyed". Applying that logic to the general population- nobody would be left alive. Batman forgets he has gone bad too and should maybe kill himself. Hopefully later.
Usual kryptonite search goes on, Batman rips off Lex who also wants to kill superman. Batman makes special weapons. Back story continues, public getting uneasy about Superman, summon him to a hearing. Superman goes and submits to the great democracy. Lex has already been and blows the place up. Superman survives of course but things going south for the feller. Periodically he nips back to see Lois and give her one in the bath. Best way to relieve the tension- hey! he never asked for any of this.
Lex breaks into Kryptonian craft using the fingerprints of Zod. Has plans to reanimate Zod but for now he's content with taking over the ship. Ship has limited security and Lex now owns it.
Fight goes down- it's Batman and Superman. Superman typically unaware of any Kryptonite gets owned by Batman. It's all a bit sado. Batman about to finish him- no mercy- with a big kryptonite spear but wait! Superman remembers the "safe word" which turn out to be "Martha". Batman backs off wh wh what, what did you say, you say Martha? It's the name of their mums bless. Now the sado is off and the bromance is on.
Time to take on Lex who has reanimated Zod into a big bad monster. Wonderwoman turns up to raise her profile and the city gets destroyed again. Nobody cares. Superman dies during the battle and the world is sad. Gets a good send off. Terrible script, acting, poorly paced, no imagination, plot holes galore, bad visuals, seen it all before. Emotionless junk. Shameful waste of everything.
The Blacklist (2013)
Moronic
Contains spoilers The worlds most wanted man, someone Reddington, has been eluding the authorities for decades. He used to be a good guy, a top agent, but then he went all renegade.
Reddington turns himself in to the Feds but insists he will only speak to one agent. This agent is known as Keen, it's her first day so she is thrown in at the deep end.
In the beginning, the Feds want to bring "Red" to justice but Red turns the tables. Turns out, he isn't the worst criminal ever. He says he has a list, it is a big list of all the real bad criminals and the Feds don't even know about them so there. Red can help them catch the big criminals they didn't know about.
As time passes, the Feds can't even breathe without Red blowing them air. This guy is well connected. He knows every criminal and rogue government on earth. He can travel internationally in minutes, and wander in and out of criminal compounds unmolested time and time again.
Each week tells the same story. One of the bad guys on the list is about to do something truly bad. The Feds are clueless. Luckily, Reddington knows everything with clairvoyant insight. He knows what the plan is, who the main players are, where they are getting their nefarious materials from, the time place and method of the proposed outrage. Red has a trump card for every scenario and can control any bad guy by saying you thought you knew this but I knew this so do this etc. Red refuses to ever get flustered and can always handle the crisis by putting on a hat, partaking of some fine dining, or sharing some of his profound knowledge. At some point Red will always regale some dumb story to his opponent, seducing them with his tails of derring do, and throwing in his own brand of philosophy along the way.
Luckily, word never gets out amongst these über criminals that Reddington might be scuppering well made plans world wide. No two criminals are executing their schemes at the same time affording Red the opportunity to deal with them one by one. Nobody loses their temper and just shoots Red in the head.
Meanwhile, agent Keen starts calling the shots on the fed side of things due to her special relationship with Reddington. Sometimes she has to trot around in her underwear just to feel alive, the remainder she is the proud owner of the worlds blankest face. Something good happens, Keen looks blank, something bad happens- Keen goes blank, neither good nor bad- Keen goes blank.
As a new to the job agent, Keen shows an admirable degree of stamina. Both Keen and her plastic haired sidekick struggle to stay out of trouble. Deadly situations abound but for the most part they both throw off their flesh wounds before the next scene demonstrating amazing powers of recovery. Keen has more than deadly situations and her puzzling relationship with Reddington to contend with. Back home, there is some suspicion about her husband. Who is he? It looks like maybe he isn't the innocent school teacher he's been making out all these years. He may be a super criminal himself, an agent, a rogue agent. The sub plot plays out quietly in the background but it was hard to care. Couldn't even remember his name.
This show steals from everything. Silence of the Lambs, Saw, French Connection etc. A quick bit of plot robbing here and another bit there to create a patchwork of stolen ideas presented as new. Reddington is so smug and annoying I really just hoped he would die. Too much of a know it all like a sartorial Macgyver. It was impossible to care who lived or who died, who was good or who was bad. The original premise had some potential but the formulaic approach, total lack of realism, failure to explore any of the issues presented, and lack of dimensionality to any characters make it one to miss rather than one to watch. I endured this series whilst laid up recovering from an operation and it set my recovery back by weeks.